Jesus ‘n’ Mo ‘n’ how to defecate religiously

Today’s Jesus and Mo strip, called “foot“, came with some handy advice:

For anyone interested in learning how to go to the bathroom correctly, here are the complete instructions.

As it says on the cartoon page, be sure to enter the bathroom with your left foot.  You might burn in hell if you enter with your right!

Or, as Mo does below, you might have to start all over again. But do read the instructions! It includes these (the Qibla is the direction of the Kaaba in Mecca; the emphasis is mine):

Facing or keeping the back towards the Qibla whilst going to the toilet is forbidden. We should take care of this at all times. If the toilet is facing the Qibla in your home then try and sacrifice some money and have it changed as you will be sinning every time you use the toilet. Even if children are taken to the toilet then it is the adult’s responsibility to make sure the child does not face or have the back towards the Qibla or the sin will lie on the adult.

25 Comments

  1. JezGrove
    Posted April 22, 2020 at 10:07 am | Permalink

    Just followed the link to the full instructions. Words fail me!

    • rickflick
      Posted April 22, 2020 at 11:49 am | Permalink

      14. Wash in odd numbers i.e. 1, 3, 5 or 7 times.

      Reminds me of, “Step on a crack, break your mother’s back.” Yep, OCD.

      • infiniteimprobabilit
        Posted April 24, 2020 at 9:11 pm | Permalink

        I’d have trouble with that. If I have a spasm of OCD, it’s about doing things in even numbers, usually 6.

        cr

        (Doesn’t hurt that 6 is the devil’s number, either 🙂

    • Posted April 22, 2020 at 1:48 pm | Permalink

      They didn’t fail me: “this absolutely fucking bonkers” are the first ones that failed to fail me.

      I particularly like the instruction to wash your hands an odd number of times.

      • Posted April 22, 2020 at 1:50 pm | Permalink

        Bugger. Just read Laurance’s post below. “Holy shit” would have been much more appropriate.

  2. Laurance
    Posted April 22, 2020 at 10:19 am | Permalink

    Holy Sh*t!! Now I’ve heard everything!! If I had to go through all that nonsense and rigamarole every time I needed to….oh jeez, and what happens when a person is sick and having bad diarrhea? How many Muslims actually follow these instructions?

    • infiniteimprobabilit
      Posted April 24, 2020 at 9:15 pm | Permalink

      I once read a book by an athropologist who caught a train in west Africa. He noted that you could tell the Muslims because they had to hang dangerously out the side door of the train so they could squat to pee.

      The Christians just used the handbasin.

      😎

      cr

  3. W.T. Effingham
    Posted April 22, 2020 at 10:20 am | Permalink

    Control-freakism gone wild. That is all I could think of the site (after determining it was not a parody).

  4. Saul Sorrell-Till
    Posted April 22, 2020 at 10:35 am | Permalink

    I already do it religiously; every day without fail.

  5. Posted April 22, 2020 at 10:48 am | Permalink

    And Gandalf said “look to my coming on the first light of the fifth day, at dawn look to the east”. And lo, our downstairs loo faces to the east, where I still await his return shortly after my breakfast coffee.

  6. eric
    Posted April 22, 2020 at 11:20 am | Permalink

    Disappointed to hear that Djinn hang out in toilet stalls. I figured they’d have better things to do.

    I also found it somewhat culturally amusing how they denied the prophet ever peed standing up. How social mores have changed.

  7. Posted April 22, 2020 at 12:38 pm | Permalink

    I am completely wrong-footed by this cartoon.

  8. Charles A Sawicki
    Posted April 22, 2020 at 1:04 pm | Permalink

    How do fundamentalist terrorists ever get anything done! Wudu even lays down the rules about how to grab your penis. I could have never learned all this crap as a child.

  9. Jenny Haniver
    Posted April 22, 2020 at 1:37 pm | Permalink

    I notice, too, that in the midst of all this antique ridiculousness, citing hoary holy men as “authorities” there is the most amusing anachronism about cell phone usage and texting while on the toilet.

    I guess practicing Muslims aren’t toilet paper hoarders.

  10. Posted April 22, 2020 at 1:53 pm | Permalink

    In Paradise we will not have to relieve ourselves. Instead we will perspire and even the perspiration will be beautifully scented like musk.

    Isn’t sweat similar to dilute urine?

  11. Posted April 22, 2020 at 4:37 pm | Permalink

    “If the toilet is facing the Qibla in your home then try and sacrifice some money and have it changed as you will be sinning every time you use the toilet” – an important economic stimulus to the plumbing industry?

    rz

  12. Posted April 22, 2020 at 4:51 pm | Permalink

    Fortunately, other than going in and coming out, no one would see what you do since privacy is very important.

    • rickflick
      Posted April 22, 2020 at 5:05 pm | Permalink

      “no one would see what you do”…er…Allah is everywhere. Even in the toilet. You must obey!

    • jedijan
      Posted April 23, 2020 at 3:06 am | Permalink

      But God is everywhere and is all seeing.
      What about the dead people that visit too?

  13. Roger
    Posted April 22, 2020 at 6:18 pm | Permalink

    Everyone goes all the time so you would think the Great Dictator in the Sky would be tired of watching by now. But no.

  14. Roger
    Posted April 22, 2020 at 6:23 pm | Permalink

    I wonder why the Great Pooper in the Sky doesn’t have rules for ostomy bags.

  15. Posted April 22, 2020 at 6:46 pm | Permalink

    Diarrhea must be a huge problem, just saying…

  16. jedijan
    Posted April 23, 2020 at 3:04 am | Permalink

    I don’t think I will ever use a toilet again.

  17. Frank L Wagner
    Posted April 23, 2020 at 2:37 pm | Permalink

    It’s very easy to make fun of this and that was my first reaction. But then I wondered if you have any Muslim readers and what their attitude is. Just ordinary Muslims, not scholars or religious leaders. I suspect that there are Catholic or other Christian rituals and practices that seem odd, but ordinary believers would have a common sense view.

    • jedijan
      Posted April 24, 2020 at 11:56 pm | Permalink

      Well I for one always thought individuals that throw salt over their shoulder, if they spill any, have totally lost the plot, so I don’t think religious discrimination is the factor here. I don’t even know for sure if that is a Christian, or perhaps Pagan, ritual. Point is there is a lot of oddness out there, whether ascribed to one or several religious idiosyncrasies. People are just weird creatures; we can all relate to that!


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