Well, I find it hilarious:
After the Flood, Noah opens up the Ark and lets all the animals out, telling them, “Go forth and multiply.”
As he’s closing the great doors of the boat, he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner.
So he says to them, “Didn’t you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply.”
“We can’t,” said the snakes, “We’re adders.”
I’ll be here all week, folks, and don’t forget to try the roast beef. And add your own family-friendly joke below.
One of my all time favorite jokes was in one of your morning posts: We now know why, when you see geese flying in formation, one side of the V is always longer than the other. There’s more geese on that side.
That reminds me of the old joke that goes: “And the Lord sayeth unto John, ‘Come forth, and thou shalt receive eternal life’. But he came fifth and won a toaster.”
Whereupon Noah commanded his sons to hew a mighty tree, and to fashion four pieces thereof into a mighty table.
And Noah said unto the serpents, “Behold, we have constructed for you a Table of Logs, wherewith you may now multiply, being Adders.”
Oog — that’s good. But they could try scalar multiplication.
What do you call a stiff rubber snake?
A windscreen viper.
I wish I had a joke – let alone a good one.
^^^* that was not a joke…. but it might become one…
BAHAHAHAAA! Best joke I’ve heard all year 😹
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah: he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
So Noah just put them on log tables
(But am I the only one here old enough to remember them?)
Yup, Jerry left out the real punchline about logs. I used this joke in my trig classes all the time.
I remember log tables and slide rules as well!
I’ve still got my slide rule in the Nigerian tie-dye case I made for it. My students couldn’t believe we really used those things.
My kids freaked out when I showed them the punch cards that were used to submit computer programs, back in the olden days.
Mine, too. Personal kids and students. I once had a huge program of about 1000 cards whose rubber band my kitty chewed off, making a mess of a pile. Said kitty was lucky I loved her so much…
Mine, too. Personal kids and students. I once had a huge program of about 1000 cards whose rubber band my kitty chewed off, making a mess of a pile. Said kitty was lucky I loved her so much…
My mother was a keypunch operator who ran data processing for a school district. She worked in a room with her IBM keypunch, a card sorter and a tabulator programmed with pegboards. Man, those machines were massive and noisy.
Did she use the 029 or the fancy 129 with LED column display. 🙂
80 column cards were excellent for notes and fit perfectly in a shirt pocket.
Paul, did you wear a pocket protector, too🤓
We goils in mini skirts couldn’t do the shirt-pocket thing as well.
The Canadian federal public service still recognizes a job classification “CO”, i.e., “computer operator”. I assume that it used to be for people who fed in data in ways that require some sort of non-routine skill, but I have no idea …
Operators were more commonly used with mainframes. They executed a clear set of instructions to perform tasks and troubleshoot basic errors. They are still around where mainframes are used (banks) or where mainframes used to exist recently.
In the olden days, I once worked as a computer operator before I became a programmer/analyst and then senior systems analyst. I used to feed boxes of these cards into the card-reader for clients. Some programs required an entire box of cards. Operators were known to drop boxes by accident. Major f-up!
Major f-up!
It really helps to number your cards. 😎
I’ve still got my slide rule in the Nigerian tie-dye case I made for it. My students couldn’t believe we really used those things.
Just out of college, I taught at a high school in Wilmington, Delaware, the corporate town of corporations. Not surprisingly, there was a lovely office supplies store downtown. Once the writing was on the wall – and you may recall that it was written rather quickly – they put out their slide rules at prices that were all but giving them away, and I picked up a nice one.
I’ve kept a nifty one belonging to my engineering husband…. It’s an artefact.
Frame it. Use the slide rule to calculate the angles.
That’s really an excellent addition!
So, Noah goes out & does a little sawing & hammering & goes back to the snakes & says, “Go forth & multiply.” And they say, “We can’t, we’re adders.” And Noah says, “That’s OK. I’ve built you some log tables.”
Good one!
The punch line I heard goes something like Noah building a platform of wood because adders can be multipliers on a log table.
Clever.
Not religious, but…
First place joke at this year’s Edinburgh Fringe Festival:
“I keep randomly shouting out ‘Broccoli’ and ‘Cauliflower’ – I think I might have florets”.
Didn’t some group advocating for Tourette’s complain that it was abelist and therefore not funny at all.
i always thought cain was rather abelist.
I have a vague recollection of a cartoon (New Yorker?) with two buildings side-by-side. One building had a sign “Tourette’s Syndrome Foundation”. The other was a pet shop with the sign “Sale: Parrots- half price”.
I like that one better than the joke that won First Place at the festival.
Speaking of parrots – a headline that screams “Joke!” but isn’t. It’s very sad. “Opium-Addicted Parrots Are Terrorizing Poppy Farms in India” https://www.livescience.com/64908-parrots-poppy-farm-india.html
🧐
I can never remember good jokes. Ever. So, I had to do a look up:
Three statisticians go hunting for deer. They spot one off in the distance. The first one shoots about a meter too high; the second one, about a meter too low; the third one yells, “We got it!”
I like that. I’m crap with remembering jokes too, so I tend to remember the very simple, punchy ones.
‘An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall’s parking lot.
“Lord,”he prayed,”I can’t stand this.If you open a space up for me,I swear I’ll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday.”
Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. The Irishman looked heavenwards and said,”Never mind,I found one.”‘
That’s a good one to remember.
I like that because it’s a real joke. Puns are not jokes unless they are really good.
I like sciencey jokes.
God is making cats.
God: Black! White! Stripes!
Jesus: No, dad – I want a fancy one.
God: Well… this one has socks!
Jesus: Not fancy enough.
God: Tuxedo?
Jesus: Done!
yes!
That one, JezGrove, and PCC(E)’s are d a r l i n g !
with more Ark – ives’ like – ones here:
… … https://upjoke.com/ark-jokes !
Blue
( hafta be careful, here at the screen, w /
m’gigglin’ ! )
No Bible humor but my nominee for best animal joke ever (hope not everyone has heard this):
Two guys with dogs—one with a German Shepherd and one with a Chihuahua—are passing a pub on a very hot day. They both would love a cold brewski, but a sign in the window says “No dogs allowed.” So the guy with the German Shepherd says, “Let’s go in there for a pint.” Other guy says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.” First guy says: “Maybe not you, but watch this.”
So he goes in, feels along the bar to a stool, sits down and orders a beer. The bartender says “See the sign? No dogs allowed.” The guy says, “I’m blind—he’s a seeing-eye dog.” So the bartender serves him and the guy gives his friend outside a triumphant smirk.
So then the guy with the Chihuahua does the same things—goes in, feels along the bar to a stool and orders a beer. The bartender says “See the sign? No dogs allowed.” The guy says, “I’m blind—he’s a seeing-eye dog.” The bartender scoffs: “A seeing-eye dog? A Chihuahua?” The dog-owner stops for a moment and then exclaims, “They gave me a chihuahua?”
What do you get when you cross a mountain-climber with a mosquito?” The answer is, “Nothing: you can’t cross a scaler with a vector.
Great!!
(An auditory joke really, but here goes…)
Did you know Moses was the first man known to wear a toupee?
Sometimes he was seen with Aaron, and sometimes without.
Haw haw! Funny one.
Heisenberg and Schrödinger get pulled over for speeding. The cop asks Heisenberg, “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Heisenberg replies, “No, officer, but we know exactly where we are.”
The officer looks at him and says, “You were going 108 miles per hour!” Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, “Great! Now we’re completely lost!”
The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the two men have anything in the trunk. “A cat,” Schrödinger replies. The cop opens the trunk and yells, “Hey! This cat is dead.” Schrödinger angrily replies, “Well he is now, asshole!”
Mildly geeky. I like it.
cr
Two horses are sitting in a pub, nursing their beers mournfully. One says:
– My brother fell at the third fence at the Grand National last week, broke a leg, and they shot him, just like that.
The other horse takes a sip of his beer, and says,
– Tell me about it. My sister put a hoof into a rabbit hole on the Quantocks, broke her leg, and they gave her a lethal injection. Terribly sad.
At this, a greyhound sitting at the bar next to them lifts his muzzle from his glass, sighs, and says
– That`s nothing. All four of my siblings were killed because they couldn`t run fast enough for competition.
The horse sitting next to him leans over to the other horse and whispers
– Gerald – that dog just *spoke* to me
Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his brother in the forest?
Be hear all day folks…
A little cannibal says to his mother, “I don’t like missionaries.” His mother says “Then just eat your vegetables.”
Ok, here’s one seems like it’s gonna be a little bit dirty, but isn’t:
A childless octogenarian couple decides that they finally want to have a child. They go to see an OB/GYN and explain their situation. The Doc makes some calls, finds a suitable surrogate mother, and explains to the husband that they’ll need a sperm sample for implantation. Doc gives them a vial, tells the husband to bring it back full to their appointment the next week.
The next week the couple shows up, sits down across from the Doc, and puts the vial, empty, on the desk between them. The Doc asks what happened?
The husband says, “When we got home last week, I went into the bedroom. I tried with my right hand. Nothing. I tried with my left hand. Nothing. I called in my wife. She tried with her right hand. Nothing. She tried with her left hand. Nothing. She tried with her dentures in, and she tried with her dentures out. Nothing and nothing.
“No matter what we did, Doc, we couldn’t get the cap off the vial.”
This very old couple goes to an attorney to get a divorce. Attorney says, “You folks have been married for 75 years and now you want a divorce? Why did you wait so long?” The old woman says, “We were waiting for the kids to die.”
Nooooo! 😎
What do you get if you cross a Mormon with an atheist?
Someone who knocks on your door for no reason at all.
What do you get if you cross a Mormon with a Hell’s Angel?
Someone who knocks on your door and tells you to **** off.
Why should you always invite two mormons to go fishing with you, never just one? Answer. If you invite just one, he’ll drink all your beer.
😂I’ve heard it with JW’s instead of Mormons.
I don’t know many english jokes, but here’s one:
British RAF veteran is telling of his exploits before a class of pupils. “…and then, out of a sudden! There was a f*cker above me, and one behind, almost got me” The teacher turns deep red, jumps before the veteran and exclaims to the class “ehh! Fockers were a type of German plane!”. “Yes ma’am, but these f*ckers were Messerschmitts”
(Allegedly true story stolen from a guest on Graham Norton show:)
Grandfather is driving with the grandkids in the car when a car cuts him off. He brakes hard, and says “What a f–, err, silly billy. Wasn’t he a silly billy, kids?” And the four-year-old in the back seat says “I think he’s a fucking idiot!”
cr
A black one:
“I wish I will die like my grandfather — at peace in his sleep, and not like his co-driver”
Tennis in the Bible, : “Moses served in Pharaoh’s courts 40 years.”
There’s probably a biblical “love all” your neighbours joke in there somewhere. Sadly, that’s not the part of their holy books that religionists tend to put much emphasis on though.
What happened when the cannibal arrived late for dinner?
He got the cold shoulder.
What was the missionaries’ mistake? They said “yes” when the cannibals said “Will you stay for dinner?”
I am sure these jokes are not PC.
A Catholic priest goes into a barber shop and gets a hair cut. After it’s done he asks the barber how much, and the barber says “No charge for a man of the cloth.” The priest is grateful, and half an hour later the barber gets a delivery of flowers with a thank you note.
A week later, a protest minister goes to the same barber for a haircut and after it’s done asks how much. The barber says “No charge for a man of the cloth.” Half an hour later, a box of chocolates is delivered with a thank you note.
A week later, a rabbi goes into the shop and gets a haircut. After it’s done the rabbi asks how much it costs, and the barber says “No charge for a man of the cloth.” Half an hour later a six rabbis walk in.
That’s funny. Maybe antisemitic, but funny.
Recounted here in the hope that the humour keeps it on the right side of the line.
For best religious (only) joke, I still give the crown to Emo Phillips:
https://www.theguardian.com/stage/2005/sep/29/comedy.religion
You can also listen to him telling it on Youtube.
I recently heard this one:
Three sisters live together, one 92, one 94, and one 96.
The 92 year old is upstairs and calls out “I am in the bathroom with a full tub. But I don’t remember if I have already taken this bath or was about to get in.”
The 94 year old helpfully calls out. “I will come check.” She gets halfway up the stairs and turns to the 96 year old. “I don’t remember if I was going up or down the stairs.
The 96 year old chuckles and says “I am glad I don’t have your memory problems. Thank goodness.” She taps on the table twice for luck. “I will come figure out what you were doing as soon as I find out who is knocking on our door.”
I’m sure I’ve posted this before but why’s American beer like making love in a canoe?
It’s effing close to water.
I’ll try one that’s about trump,
why did Donald Trump dig five holes in front of him before he buried a stack of his tax returns in the fifth hole
because the first four holes weren’t big enough.
(Sorry about that one—- it got a big laugh in rehearsal )
Mother goes to see her parish priest, complains that her two adolescent sons have developed the foul habit of cursing constantly.
The priest explains that, under such circumstances, the Church abides a bit of corporal punishment.
First thing the next morning the two boys walk into the kitchen. The mother asks what they’d like for breakfast.
“I dunno,” says son #1, “guess I’ll have some goddamn cornflakes.”
SMACK!
She looks at son #2, and asks what he wants.
“I sure as shit don’t want cornflakes, Ma.”
Good God! 😎
Thank YOU ! Thank YOU, Mr Kukec !
ALL three of m’Boys, exact matches thereto,
thank you, too !
Blue
I’m late to this post, but I’ve got what I think is a pretty good animal/religion joke:
Bob’s cat dies after providing Bob with nearly 20 years of loyal companionship. Bob is understandably heartbroken, and pays a visit to his parish priest to ask if the priest would agree to officiate a funeral mass for cat.
“Don’t be ridiculous,Bob!” the priest says. “We can’t have services for a cat in the church!”
“Thanks anyway,” Bob replies, “but would you happen to know any other clergyman who might be willing to do this for me?”
“I’ve no idea,” the priest answers, “but I suppose you could try the Unitarian Universalist church down the road.”
“Thanks, Father — but I have one last question,” Bob says. “Do you think $50,000 would be a reasonable honorarium for me to pay them for the service?”
“$50,000!” the priest exclaims. “For the love of God, Bob, why didn’t you tell me straight away that your cat was Catholic?”
For a cool $50k, the cat should get a novena. 🙂
Q: Why wasn’t Jesus Irish?
A: They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.
Sorry ’bout that
cr
Ah, the classics.
A man from abroad arrives at Australian immigration and presents his passport. The immigration official looks it over and asks him: Do you have any criminal record? The man responds: Oh, I didn’t think you still needed one.
*like*
A young couple had just moved to a new town and approached the priest to enquire about joining the congregation of worshippers.
He said there was a simple character test before they could.
They had to agree to no marital relationships for one month.
The couple thought that would be difficult, but possible.
After a month they were back.
Young Ken confessed that on the very last day, his wife was bent over the freezer and he was overcome – would that still be enough?
The priest thought about it, but reluctantly said they would not be able to come to his church.
Whereupon, Ken’s wife turned on Ken with:
“See, your lack of control means we will have to look for another church. What’s more, we are also never going to be able to shop at Piglly Wiggly again”