A holiday joke

December 10, 2017 • 4:00 pm

I just remembered this one, and it’s appropriate for the upcoming Christmas season.

The Three Wise Men, having followed the star, finally make it to Bethlehem. As they enter the stable, one of them, being tall, hits his head on the door frame.

“Jesus Christ!!” he shouts in pain.

“Hey!” said Mary, “That would be a great name for the baby!”

I’ll be here all week, folks.

Add your jokes below (nothing too risqué, please!).

99 thoughts on “A holiday joke”

  1. Why wasn’t Jesus born in France?

    Because they couldn’t find three wise men or a virgin.

    1. In the same vein:

      After the failed terrorist attack on Glasgow Airport in 2007 (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2007_Glasgow_Airport_attack), one of the perpetrators was taken to a local hospital (true).

      Before he died he opened his eyes, looked around him and said, “What am I doing here -I was promised 72 virgins!”

      The nurse replied, “Then why the f**k did you you come to Glasgow”?

      Alan.

      1. … And then after the Buddhist/Dalai Lama has his hot dog/pizza, he says to the vendor, “Where’s my change?” And the vendor says, “Change comes from within.”

      2. A gun then extends from the Buddhist’s chest and he asks again. The vendor says “Whoa, man, where did that come from?” The Buddhist replies “This is my inner piece”

  4. Since Stephen Knight asked whether anyone knew a good Holocaust joke, I’ve been racking my brains thinking there must be one, even though Mel Brooks himself said they weren’t a good idea. This is a meta-Shoah joke, via David Baddiel who quotes Devorah Baum.

    Abe, the holocaust survivor, dies, goes to heaven and tells God a holocaust joke. God says, “That’s not funny.” Abe replies, “You had to be there”.

    2. That’s a good one! I think it’s a bit hypocritical of Brooks to say there’s one subject that’s off limits. Good jokes can be made about any subject in the world, but the key is that it has to be a good joke.

      1. This one is courtesy of Bernard Manning – a notoriously non-PC British stand-up comic, now deceased, for those who don’t know him. I suppose you could call it a Holocaust meta-joke:

        “I’ve always been very sensitive when people talk about the Holocaust, because my father died in Auschwitz.

        He got drunk one night and fell out of the machine-gun tower.”

        1. Haha, brilliant. I’llll have to look for some of his stuff on YouTube later. A new, very un-PC comic that I really like is Anthony Jeselnik, who I believe is the current king of one-liners (although Jimmy Carr might be tied for thay honor).

          1. George burns once told a joke about a terrible actress.

            (You say, “How terrible was she?”)

            She was starring in “The Diary of Anne Frank” in Tel Aviv. When the Nazis showed up, the audience yelled, “She’s in the attic!”

          4. I often think the Irish and the Jews are great at the bathetic God joke – Dave Allen, Woody Allen etc. And that there is a parallel in some of the great smart-ass, lugubrious Russian jokes aimed at the God-like totalitarian system.

            Sergei: What’s so bad about Yankee capitalism?
            Anatoly: Poverty, unemployment, inequality, lack of democracy.
            Sergei: So what are the tasks of the next 5-year plan, comrade?
            Anatoly: To catch up with the U.S.A.

            When we start getting similar jokes from the Muslim world, we’ll really be getting somewhere.

    3. A goy from east London who is meeting his most longstanding friend (57 years) for their annual between-birthdays dinner tomorrow says: As a multiple bar mitzvah attender way back in the troubled days of 1967-68, I have heard a few Holocaust jokes via Jewish friends and Jewish comedians, and I know why they’re funny, but maybe wrongly I feel quite uncomfortable about telling the one I particularly remember here. However, I am reminded of the fabulous Old Jews Telling Jokes series, which got an airing this side of the Pond http://www.oldjewstellingjokes.com/ I can’t recall if there were any Holocaust jokes in the series. Maybe someone else does.

  5. Well, it’s a very old one, but here goes…

    Jesus walks into a hotel, slaps four 6-inch nails down on the reception desk and asks
    “Can you put me up for the night, please?”

    1. Who paid for the last supper? Jesus got nailed for it.

      I told your joke and mine on the high school public address system over 40 years ago!

    2. What did Jesus say when they took him down from the cross?

      “Next time, fellas – feet first!”

  6. A friend sent me this one and I begged him not to send it to my wife.

    GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!
    There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
    1. He called everyone brother.
    2. He liked Gospel.
    3. He didn’t get a fair trial.
    But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
    1. He went into His Father’s business.
    2. He lived at home until he was 33.
    3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.
    But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
    1. He talked with His hands.
    2. He had wine with His meals.
    3. He used olive oil.
    But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
    1. He never cut His hair.
    2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
    3. He started a new religion.
    But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
    1. He was at peace with nature.
    2. He ate a lot of fish.
    3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
    But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
    1. He never got married. (SMART *SS)
    2. He was always telling stories.
    3. He loved green pastures.
    But the most compelling evidence of all – 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
    1. He fed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was virtually no food.
    2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it.
    3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.

     

  7. An old man has been standing in line at the pearly gates for so long, when he gets to the front, he can’t remember his name for St. Peter to look up in the Big Book.

    Peter doesn’t know what to do, so he gets Jesus to help him figure it out.

    Jesus says “Tell us about your life, maybe that will jog your memory.”

    The old man says “Well, I only had one child, a son.”

    Jesus smiles and says “Heh, I was an only child too. Go on.”

    The man says “I was a… some kind of wood-worker or carpenter… something like that.”

    Jesus is like “Huh, that’s another coincidence. Anything else you can remember?”

    The man shakes his head a bit and says “You may not believe this, but my son – he was brought to life through a miracle!”

    Jesus’ jaw drops, he smiles, and tears comes to his eyes, “Father??”

    The old man’s eyes open wide, “Pinocchio??”

    /@

  8. A mature woman goes to her doctor and describes the symptoms of menopause.

    The doctor prescribes hormone treatment and advises her to come back in a month for a check up.

    A month later she comes back and the doctor asks her if she is experiencing any side effects of the hormone treatment.

    “Well doctor, I am growing hair in places I have never grown hair before.”

    “Where exactly are you growing hair?” the doctor asks.

    “On my balls,” she replies.

  9. Well, you didn’t say it had to be seasonal, so here goes:

    The woman’s husband had just passed away, and the grieving woman was at his funeral. A friend asked the widow if he might say a word or two, and she assented. The man stood up and said, “Plethora.” Dabbing at her tears, the widow responded, “Thanks – that means a lot.”

    1. Continuing with the funeral theme:

      Three men were playing golf when a funeral cortege drove slowly along a road alongside the course. One of the men doffed his cap and, gesturing to the other two that they should do the same, stood in silence until the cortege had passed, before resuming the game. The other golfers remarked that it had been very decent of him to show such respect, to which the first man replied: “It was the least I could do. She was a damned fine wife to me!”.

  11. Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?

    ********************

    It was a bad, bad year at the North Pole. The elves were on strike, so production was way behind. The reindeer had the trots. Mrs. Claus had a record-breaking case of PMS. Santa was trying to figure out how he was going to get everything done on time when there was a knock on the door. He stomped across the room, yanked open the door and yelled, “Yeah? Whaddaya want?” Standing there was a little angel who said, brightly, “Hi, Santa! Merrrry Christmas! I brought your Christmas tree! Where do you want me to put it?

    And that is how it became customary to put a little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

    ********************

    Note to Santa: DO NOT eat any cookies left out for you in Colorado, Washigton, Oregon, Alaska, Nevada, Maine or the District of Columbia without testing them first.

    ********************

    Since we’ve strayed from strictly Christmas jokes:

    The Vatican announced that the church will no longer celebrate Easter. Yeah…they found the body.

    ********************

    Finally, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CxyvPYJF_BU"click on this link for a great Christmas short.

  12. I’ve posted a version of this in the past (perhaps others, too), but I love it, so repeat:

    A Jewish student was doing well in school in all subjects except for Math. So his parents decide to send him to a private Catholic school.
    While there the boy came home from school and studied every day. At the end of the marking period the boy got straight A’s. So his parents asked him, “What motivated you to do so well in school?”

    He replied, “When I saw that guy nailed to a plus sign I knew they weren’t fooling around!”

    1. I found out about Jonathan Coulton in the usual manner…

      Portal! That end credits song actually makes me tear up every time I hear it. The first time I beat the game and heard it, I couldn’t believe such a funny song could make me that emotional.

  16. Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: “Saul, sell your business.” He ignores it. It goes on for days. “Saul, sell your business for $3 million.”

    After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store.

    The voice says “Go to Las Vegas.”

    He asks why.

    “Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas.”

    He obeys, goes to a casino.

    Voice says, “Saul, go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand.”

    He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing.

    “Saul, take a card.”

    What? The dealer has –

    “Take a card!”

    He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy.

    “Saul, take another card.”

    What?

    “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!”

    He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty.

    “Saul, take another card,” the voice commands.

    “I have twenty!” Saul shouts.

    “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!” booms the voice.

    “Hit me,” Saul says. He gets a two. Twenty two.

    The booming voice goes: “Un-fucking-believable!”

  17. A Jewish man goes into the synagogue and prays. “O Lord, you know the mess I’m in, please let me win the lottery.”

    The next week, he’s back again, and this time he’s complaining. “O Lord, didn’t you hear my prayer last week? I’ll lose everything I hold dear unless I win the lottery.”

    The third week, he comes back to the synagogue, and this time he’s desperate. “O Lord, this is the third time I’ve prayed to you to let me win the lottery! I ask and I plead and still you don’t help me!”

    Suddenly a booming voice sounds from heaven. “Benny, Benny, be reasonable. Meet me half way. Buy a lottery ticket!”

    /@

  18. In the train sit a priest and a rabbi.
    Says the priest: “At night in the dream I was in the Jewish paradise All around dirt and filth and everywhere people.”
    Says the rabbi: “What a coincidence! I also dreamed of paradise, but of the Christian paradise. A glorious kingdom, full of flowers, scents and sunshine – but far and wide no man.”

  19. Apologies for the length of this one!

    A general is doing a morale-boosting tour of a military hospital. He proceeds through the ward, stopping to chat with the soldiers in each bed:

    General: “And what are you in for, soldier?”

    1st soldier: “Chronic haemorrhoids, sir”.

    General: “What treatment are you getting?”

    1st soldier: “10 minutes scrub each day with a wire brush”.

    General: “And what’s your main ambition?”

    1st soldier: “To get back to the front as soon as possible, sir”.

    General: “Good man!”

    Moves on to the next bed…

    “And what are you in for, soldier?”

    “Rampant syphilis, sir”.

    “What treatment are you getting?”

    “10 minutes scrub each day with a wire brush”.

    “And what’s your main ambition?”

    “To get back to the front as soon as possible, sir”.

    “Good man!”

    Moves on to the third bed…

    “And what are you in for, soldier?”

    “Acute gum disease, sir”.

    “What treatment are you getting?”

    “10 minutes scrub each day with a wire brush”.

    “And what’s your main ambition?”

    “To get the wire brush before those two!!”

    1. This is a biological paradox. Reproduction without fecundation should have produced a girl not a boy. Are we sure Jesus was a male?

  24. We need some risque.

    JAC: NO WE DON’T as per instructions above.

    Jokes redacted by PCC(E) on the grounds that this is a family friendly site.

  27. A favorite from “All in the Family”:

    The priest said to the rabbi “How come you never eat no ham?”

    And the rabbi said, “Well, it’s against my religion.”
    And the rabbi said to the priest,”How come you never go out with a girl?”

    And the priest said, “It’s against my religion.”

    And the rabbi said, “You ought to try it, it’s better than ham.”

    1. A rabbi is invited to the Catholic Church’s inter-faith discussion on a Sunday night. The rabbi walks in and the priest says, “Welcome, please have a seat.” The rabbi sits down in a chair. The priest says, “Are you comfortable?” The rabbis says [heavy rabbi accent], “It’s a living.”

      That joke really needs to be told with the right accent and inflection. If you can hear it, you’ll get it.

  28. Jesus says, “You who are without sin, cast the first stone.” A woman in the crowd does so. Jesus glares at her and says, “Sometimes, you’re a real pain in the rear, Mom.”

  29. A young pastor is preaching his first sermon, and he tells the congregation they should read the bible every day because no matter what situation or problems in life you’re dealing with, you can find a comparable situation in the bible. He challenges anyone to name something and he will find it in the bible. A woman calls out, “what about PMS?” He draws a blank & frantically starts paging through the bible, looking for anything. Finally he says, “It says right here: And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem!”

  30. A man walks into the confessional and says, “Father, I’m 90 years old. I’ve been married for 72 years. All that time, I’ve been completely faithful. But today, I committed adultery . . .repeatedly . . .with a couple of 18-year-old twins.”

    “Oh, my son,” says the priest, “You realize the Church considers this a grave sin.”

    “What do I care? I’m not Catholic.”

    “You’re not Catholic!? Then why are you telling me?”

    “I’m telling everyone.”

  32. Q. What’s the H stand for in “Jesus H. Christ”?

    A. It stands for “Harold.” As in, “Our father, who art in heaven, Harold be thy name.”

  33. Jesus Christ sees a mob of people going to stone a woman for adultery.

    He stops them and says: Let one of you who is without a sin cast the first stone.

    The mob stops, everyone looks at each other guiltily and soon the crowd is ready to disperse. Then suddenly a stone flies from the back and hits the woman. The rest follow, and soon the woman is a bloody mess.

    Jesus sighs: Mother! Couldn’t you keep that immaculate conception to yourself?

  35. Three young brothers are enjoying their Christmas vacation in Florida when they see a man drowning in the sea. Without hesitation they dive into the water and save the man and when they get him safely ashore they discover it is Donald Trump. When Trump recovers enough from his ordeal to speak he tells the boys he is the President of the United States, the most powerful man in the word and a billionaire to boot and to show his gratitude to them he would like to reward them with whatever they wish.

    The first brother says he would like to own a Ferrari “No problem” says Trump “your gonna get the best Ferrari there is; it’s gonna be great”.

    The second says he would love to own a yacht and again Trump promises that he will provide the best yacht there is and then turns to the third brother and asks what he would like. The boy frowns and then says “I’d like a state funeral please”. Trump does a double take and says “Sure I can give you a state funeral – it ‘ll be so great, it ‘ll be the best state funeral – but why would you want that?

    Back comes the boy “‘cos when my dad finds out what we’ve done he’s going to kill us!”.

    [This joke can of course be modified to suit the political allegiances of the teller].

    1. There’s also the moral dilemma joke that works for anybody you like.

      Donald Trump and Paul Ryan are both drowning but there’s only time to save one one them…

      … what filling do you pt in your sandwich?

    2. Donald Trump makes a visit to the doctor and says “I’m so run down, what with all the dirty politics and fake news – lately, I don’t even know whether I’m coming or going.”

      The doctor tells him to take off his clothes and get down on his hands and knees.

      The doctor walks around him thoughtfully for a few minutes and then says…

      “I can’t tell whether you are coming or going either.”

      [Adapted from a 1970’s Kiwi joke about PM Robert Muldoon]

    3. If you want ssome Trump jokes, go here and here and here.

      Some samples:

      Donald Trump doesn’t suffer from insanity; he enjoys every minute of it.

      Donald Trump ran into his ex, Marla, yesterday then told his driver to back up and run into her again.

      Donald Trump shouldn’t let his mind wander – it’s too small to be out on its own.

      If at first Donald Trump doesn’t succeed, he redefines success.

      If that still doesn’t work, he claims it was a success after all.

      If he still doesn’t succeed, he destroys all evidence that he tried.

      Support bacteria – they’re the only culture Donald Trump has.

      The only time Donald Trump settled for second-best was when he heard that honesty was the best policy.

  36. Three Englishmen walk into a bar and see an Irishman drinking beer in the corner. They make a bet: who will be able to provoke him to a fight.

    The first one comes up to him and says: “Do you know that your St Patrick was crazy?” The Irishman replies: “Whatever”.

    Then the second says: “Hey, do you know that your precious St Patrick was gay?” The Irishman shrugs and orders another beer.

    The third one decides to really humiliate him. He says: “You Irish guys owe everything to us. Even your beloved St Patrick was an Englishman!” – “Oh! Now I get what your buddies were hinting at!” – replies the Irishman.

  37. This doesn’t have a holiday theme. I made this up years ago with some friends while waiting on a stopped chairlift.

    There’s a guy named E and a guy named Rob. E lent $5 to Rob. As Rob was walking away he yells back to E, “(hey)A, E, I owe you.”

  38. Sammy and Moshe converted to Cathlocism, and of course they have to go to confessional. Moshe stays in a long time and finally comes out with a big smile.
    “You did get absolution, did you?” asks Sam.
    “no”
    “but how did it go?”
    ” Well, I told him I’d been unfaithful, and then he wanted to know with whom, and I told him that as a gentleman I could not say.
    He said ‘no full confession, no absolution’, but I remained firm.
    Then he said ‘I’ll help you, was it the butcher’s wife?’ ‘No’, ‘I’ll try again: was it the new gym teacher at school’ ‘No’, ‘I’ll try for the last time, was it the grocer’s wife?’ No, I told you I can’t tell you”
    “So,” asks Sam, “you didn’t get absolution?”
    “No, no absolution, but three new addresses!”

  39. An atheist dies and finds himself at the gate of Hell. There he meets Satan who is busy talking on the phone with someone. So the atheist walks around and explores the area. He finds a pool with hot chicks in it, a fountain with cool beer, a big 3D-cinema and some sort of other cool stuff he likes.
    But there was a big wall with a little window in it. Behind the window there are people getting tortured and molested, people getting burned alive, but can’t die and all this typical hell shit.
    After his little “investigation” he goes back to the devil. He tells him that everything is great and nice down in hell, but he also asks him about the wall and the devil simply replies: “Well, that’s the hell for the Christians, they like it that way….”

  40. I heard the same joke that JAC posted except the punchline was
    “That’s a much better name for the baby than Mortimer!!”

  41. I saw The late Christopher Hitchens say something like this one on youtube:
    A priest, a rabbi and an atheist walk into the bar to have a drink. The bar tender comes over and asks, “What is this some kind of fucking joke?”.
    Also,
    What does a vegetarian zombie eat? Graaaaaaains!

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