62 thoughts on “The Bible summarized in one Facebook post

  1. You should have put in a spoiler warning.

    Reading everything after REVELATION gives away the bible’s ending! You just ruined the bible for me. No point in reading it now.

    I’m begging; don’t tell me how the koran ends. I want to avoid spoilers for that.

    1. The koran has the longest chapters at the front and the shortest chapters at the end. It’s not chronologically ordered. It’s ordered exactly like an ignoramus or child would order chapters in a book. Just by opening the koran you can tell it’s man-made. 😛

    1. I think it was a four-legged serpent to start. As quid for the quo of tempting Eve, it got its (and its progeny’s) legs zapped. Seems a harsh punishment to visit upon the victim of demonic possession — worse even than what happened to poor little Linda Blair.

      1. Some say it was a possessed salamander. The kind that live in flames that is. The mythical one. Then it was cursed to be a serpent. Gotta keep those myths straight after all.

        Satan just means “enemy” not a name, just a moniker. Call him Samel. Even Lucifer isn’t a name.

    2. In fact, in the Bible, the snake, Satan, and Lucifer are three separate entities, not conflated at all until Christianity developed its mythology of demons as fallen angels after Biblical times under the influence of Zoroastrianism.

        1. Just as in Nature there is balance. In most religions they have a kind of balance or mirror versions of the Light and Dark, good and evil. Three seems to be a recurring number too.

        1. You mean they’ve been right about us all along? I’ve spent some time telling theists that just because I oppose the evil things done by the religious doesn’t mean I am a servant of nor possessed by Satan.

          Now I find out that as an anti-theist, I am Satan! Bow down before me, mortals, bow down. I’m thinking maybe 5 times a day would be a good start – for Christians and Muslims alike.

          1. Like calling someone an enemy. Though some have mixed it up and think the leading Arch Angel of Sheol is Satan. aka Lucifer maybe Samael.
            Any who isn’t for is automatically against. There are no neutrals in their conceptions. Any neutrals are in fact against by default.
            Satan/shaitan = enemy directly
            No matter what you say if they are adamant, no good deed by you will save you because you aren’t reborn in Jesus name…
            So they may persist trying to wear you down, catch you at your weakest to win you over by weakening you and in effect torturing you. To them that is okay, it was “for the best”.

        1. The relevant scene from “Annie Hall” appears to not be on YouTube, but this might help (or not)

          TONY
          And we could just sit and talk…
          nothing. Uh, not a big deal, it’s
          just relax, just be very mellow.
          Annie and Tony and his entourage turn to look at Alvy.

          ALVY (Fingers to his mouth,
          reacting) Remember, we had that thing.

          ANNIE What thing?

          ALVY (Staring at Annie and
          clearing his throat)
          Don’t you remember we-we-we discussed
          that thing that we were-
          ANNIE (Overlapping) Thing?

          ALVY (Overlapping) yes, we had, uh…

          ANNIE (Looking at Alvy,
          reacting) Oh, the thing! Oh, the thing…
          (Laughing) … yeah… yeah.
          Annie turns, looks at Tony as he smiles and gestures with
          his hands.

          TONY Oh, well, I-if it’s inconvenient,
          eh, we can’t do it now… that’s
          fine, too. W-w-w-we’ll do it another time.

  2. That was great.

    It always amazes me when Christians find comfort in the idea “God has a Plan.”

    Wait, you mean the Being whose plans have never worked out before?

    1. I’ve just assumed God’s plan was this:

      1. Create world to put humans in

      2. Create humans and put them in

      3. Design world so that they sometimes get hurt

      4. Design humans so that they sometimes hurt each other or themselves

      5. Design them to not blame Me for it

      6. Wait until they get hurt or they hurt each other or themselves

      7. Punish them for getting hurt, especially if they hurt each other or themselves

      8. Watch them not blame Me for it

      9. Laugh My holy ass off!

      10. Go back to step 6

    2. No surprise His Plans don’t work out. There’s millions of people nattering in His Ear, wanting Him to change the Plan to suit them.

      It’s not like He can ignore them. He’s Omniscient after all, which takes care of that.

  3. This, somehow, reminds me of this classic post(original source unknown).

    Thomas Jefferson’s Grant Request Denied

    The Court of King George II
    London, England

    10 October 1776

    Mr. Thomas Jefferson
    c/o The Continental Congress

    Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

    Dear Mr. Jefferson:

    We have read your “Declaration of Independence” with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:

    1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase “the Laws of Nature and Nature’s God.” What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.
    2. In the same paragraph you refer to the “opinions of mankind.” Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the “opinions of mankind” are a matter of opinion.
    3. You hold certain truths to be “self-evident.” Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.
    4. “Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that “among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years,” these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.
    5. You state that “Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government….” Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?
    6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.
    7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies “ought to be Free and Independent States,” and that they are “Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown.” Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?
    8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.
    9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne’s War.
    10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.
    11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart itemised budget, and manpower utilization matrix.

    We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your “Declaration of Independence.” We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is November 30, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.

    Sincerely,
    Proposal Review Committee of the British Crown

    1. Never explained how it is they knew that Jefferson is the guy that wrote it? He did do the rough draft but the rest of the boys in the congress made some changes and Jefferson was a little pissed about that.

        1. That is news to me. Never heard it.

          Since he was not in the congress, or in the committee selected to write the thing, what did he do, email it to them?

  4. I don’t know, it’s missing something to me. Violence, I think. It’s just not violent and threatening enough. Where it says “Guys…”, after all, the unabridged book has a DEATH sentence, not only for A&E but for all their descendants too! And later we find that after your death sentence is carried out you are likely to then be remanded to eternal torture, making the original sentence seem mild to nothing.

  5. There is no mention of the flood. Wiped out everyone on the planet but one guy and his family but not even a mention? That was for doing the thing….right?

  6. Yes, I love the “we did the things” and “we did the things again” and Jesus saying “I have never done the things”. Perfect!

  7. Well I guess they left out

    SONG OF SONGS
    You can do the things if in lovely poetry that rabbis and priests can allegorize as really being the history of Israel or the church.

  8. Well I’ve never done the things. It’s all the rest of you bastards with your “thing this”, “thing that”, “put this thing in that thing”, and *use these things to do those things” which are entirely responsible for god’s testiness.
    It’s most unjust that I should have to suffer for the crimes of others. I mean I know for a fact that my parents had a thing going before they were married – you know, the thing that god has a real thing about – and they were decent people.
    So please, all of you, stop it, and let me live my life entirely without pain, anguish, or even mild discomfort. In short guys, would all of you just thing off and leave me alone?
    AnthonyK

    1. I find it most unseemly that a self admitted virgin would use such language here in PCC’s living room.

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