Post a joke

November 16, 2023 • 1:30 pm

I’m feeling low today, perhaps because of bad news everywhere combined with the fact that I’m still not over jet lag and have been waking up at 2 a.m.  So, in hopes that I’ll inspire some laughs to cheer me and the readers up, I’ll proffer a joke and ask readers to do likewise. Here’s the joke, or, as Anne Elk would say, the joke is coming now. Are you ready for the joke? Here is the joke, which is mine. The next thing I’m going to say is my joke:

A Jewish man lives into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday the Catholics are driven crazy because, while they’re morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him to Catholicism. Finally, after many threats and much pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and says, “Born a Jew, Raised a Jew, Now a Catholic.” The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious but maddening smells every Friday evening.

But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to the Jew’s house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing over the cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying, “Born a cow, Raised a cow, Now a fish.”

p.s. Jokes must be family-friendly.  A little risqué is okay but nothing too salacious or filthy.

200 thoughts on “Post a joke

    1. Ah, food jokes, then. Let’s imagine our host goes to the first bistro to open on the moon, and he publishes a review of it on WEIT: “The food was great but it’s got no atmosphere…”

  1. Like a Wombat turd perched on a rock — I’m on it! (that too is a joke).

    A man was diagnosed with terminal cancer and was informed he had 6 months to live. A few days later he had dinner with his priest, his doctor and his lawyer. During dinner, he informed them that he thought he would need money in the afterlife. So, he gave each of them an envelope, and said each one contained $10,000 in cash, and asked them to try to make it to his funeral and put the envelopes in his casket. They thought it was odd but given the circumstances they agreed to do it.
    About 6 months later the man passed away, and the priest, doctor and lawyer all made it to his funeral, and placed their envelopes into the man’s casket. The three then went to dinner together, during which the priest said, “Gentlemen, I have a confession to make: I removed $1000 from my envelope because we needed a new computer for the parish. I feel terrible about this.” The Doctor said, “Well, you are not the only one having qualms tonight, father. I removed $5000 from my envelope since we needed a new x-ray machine at my clinic.”
    The lawyer then said, “You two should be ashamed of yourselves. God knows my conscience is totally clear. I removed all $10,000 from my envelope and replaced it with a check for the same amount.”

    I will be back.

    1. Here’s a related joke, I think from Henny Youngman.

      A man went to the doctor, who told him he had six months to live. The man didn’t have the money to pay, so the doctor gave him another six months.

      1. That joke’s featured in Goodfellas, during the famous 3-minute, one-shot, one-camera Copacabana entrance scene when Henry arrives with Karen. The on-stage comedian says that joke, either before or after another:

        “My wife wants me to take her on holiday. I said where do you wanna go? She says somewhere I’ve never been before. I said maybe you should try the kitchen”!

        One of the best scenes in cinema history, from one of the best films in cinema history. In my humble opinion, of course.

  2. Not a joke per se, but a humorous story. Cambridge, England is built on a river where boating is popular. In the 19th century, so was bathing, including nude bathing. One day a group of dons was on the bank having having just gone for a swim nude. A boat of women came by, and all the men except one covered their private parts with their hands. The other covered his face and said, “I don’t know about the rest of you, but around here I am known by my face!”

        1. It’s actually in Oxford (where Bowra was). The place was Parson’s Pleasure. It is described here (including the Bowra story)

          It was still there when I visited my brother who was an undergraduate in Oxford circa 1975. You could punt past it (I did, yuk). Convention was that ladies would get out of the punt, and walk round the enclosure, and join the punt at the other side.

  3. A Catholic lad, John, is caught by his mother in bed with a married women. She is horrified and makes him go to confession and he goes along with his friend who waits outside for him.

    John goes into the confessional;

    John; “Bless me father for I have sinned, I’ve had sex with a married women”

    Father; “that’s very serious my boy, you will have to do penance, now tell me who was it you sinned with? Was it Dervla Brennan?

    John; “I can’t tell you father, I’m too ashamed, I can’t tell you”

    Father: “now c’mon son, you need to unburden yourself, who was it? Was it Mary McBride?”

    John; “ I’m sorry father, I know I should tell you but I just can’t, I am so embarrassed”

    Father; “Ok, my son,I’m very disappointed in you… and because you won’t tell me, it will have to be 10 Hail Marys and 5 Our fathers for your penance- go in peace”

    Our lad leaves the confessional and goes outside to his waiting friend

    Friend: “well, what did you get?”

    John: “I got 10 Hail Marys, 5 Our Fathers and 2 hot tips”

  4. Q: What game do you play with a wombat?

    A: Wom


    I drove past the prison yesterday and saw a dwarf prisoner escaping using a rope. I shouldn’t say a dwarf prisoner – that’s a little con descending.

      1. Reminds me of an equal but opposite groaner:

        Man to wind turbine: What kind of music do you like?
        Wind turbine to man: Well, I’m a big metal fan.

  5. Satire. Letter I sent to my local paper (not published yet; maybe never?)

    During this time of strife in the Middle East and at home, we must avoid misunderstandings. In this spirit, I clarify several phrases below.

    “From the river to the sea…”: Slogan created in 1968 by a Palestinian hippy, Daisies Arafat, a Libra, demanding the creation of an Islamic state with Sharia “liberty and justice for all.” The new nation would meet carbon emission targets by eradicating Hewbraic pollution.

    Genocide: Extermination of terrorists. The Jewish Holocaust and all other ethnic massacres shall heretofore be labeled “ethnic rinsing.”
    Allahu Akbar: “Allah the greatest!” Sometimes translated as “Praise Allah the Merciful as we torture and mutilate infidels!”

    Colonizers: Jews who escaped international ethnic rinsing and migrated to their ancestral homeland, established a democratic state, repelled countless attacks, and repeatedly endorsed two-state proposals.

    Open Air Prison: Gaza, after Israel withdrew in 2005. The warden (Hamas) invested international aid for the good of its citizens, creating a prosperous society and a popular seaside tourist destination.

    Decolonize: Rinse; repeat.

    Islamophobia: Queasy feeling when Jihadists slaughter civilians in the name of the one true faith.

    With this shared understanding, I trust we will, hand-in-hand, “give peace a chance.” Allahu akbar!

    1. In a similar vein, courtesy of the late great Norm Macdonald (he was Canadian, eh?):

      “What terrifies me is if ISIS were to detonate a nuclear device and kill 50 million Americans. Imagine the backlash against peaceful Muslims?”

  6. A fellow announced that he was going to buy stock, mainly chicken and beef, in hopes of becoming a bouillon-naire.

    Not a joke: a couple days ago looking online at the obituaries in the paper in the county in which I grew up, I saw that a retired Univ. of Tenn. history professor had passed away. In the write-up was mentioned a humorous occurrence he frequently liked to mention. One student’s evaluation of him included the statement, “He’s a pretty good teacher, but he talks too much about the past.”

  7. A man went to the ER after a head injury. Doctor comes in to evaluate him.
    Asks “Do you know where you are?
    Man answers ” The hospital”.
    Doctor says that’s right. Can you tell me your name?
    Man answers “Jerry Coyne”.
    Doctor says that’s right. Can you tell me what year it is?
    Man answers “2017”
    Doctor says that’s right. Can you tell me who the President is?
    Man says I don’t know.
    Doctor says Donald Trump is president.
    Man says “Your crazy.”

  8. A businessman, a priest, and a cowboy walk out of a Fuddruckers…

    That’s not a joke, I really saw it in South Austin. Here’s an original joke:

    Q. How do you recognize high-class apple eaters?
    A. Decorum.

  9. Jewish man comes home to his mother and says, “Mom, I’ve got a new girlfriend and I want you to meet her, but I’d like to have a little fun with it, too, I know you’ll like this kind of thing, – I want to bring over 4 women and you have to guess which one is my girlfriend.” The mom says yes.

    He brings over the women, everyone sits in the living room and chats for 5 minutes, and the mom says, “It’s the redhead.” The son says, “Yeah, you got it, I knew you would! How did you know?

    The mom says, “I don’t like her.”

  10. It’s a horrible night out, rainy, windy, cold, and Moishe realizes that tonight is the night he dies, he’s on his deathbed.

    He calls out to his wife. She enters the room and he says, “Sarah, I know I’m going to die tonight, please call a priest.” She says, “A priest!? What on earth do you want with a priest?”

    He says (you need a Jewish accent here), “What, I should call a rabbi out on a night like this?”

  11. Seymour and Morris, two elderly Jews, were walking down the street while Seymour was lamenting that he was so broke that he couldn’t pay his electric bill. They passed a church with a sign stating “ Convert to Catholicism and we will pay you $500!” Morris encouraged Seymour to take up the offer. Seymour said he couldn’t as he was a Jew his entire life. Morris countered that he needed the money and what harm could it do.

    So, Seymour went into the Church. Two hours later, he comes out. Morris says: “ So, did you get the money, did they pay you the $500?”

    Seymour replies: “Money? Is that all you Jews think about?”

  12. The local Catholic church is putting on a world religions class and tonight is the night they’ve invited the rabbi to speak about Judaism.

    The rabbi enters the room and the priest says, “Rabbi Finkelstein! Welcome! Please have a seat.” The rabbi sits down. “The priest says, “Are you comfortable?

    The rabbi says (you *really* need the right accent and intonation here), “It’s a living.”

  13. A couple of jet lag groaners, hope you’re feeling better soon!

    I got jet lag on my last trip to Paris…

    The French doctor prescribed me something to keep track of time: Queloratil.

    An Australian is traveling to New York. The jet lag is a bit too much so he decides to sleep it off.

    When he wakes in the morning he goes outside and almost gets hit by a taxi. The driver says “watch where your going pal! Did you come here to die?” The Australian replies ” Nah mate, I got here yesterday.”

  14. Not really a joke, but I came across this witticism a few days ago and it made me laugh. Several times.

    “Metaphysics is the art of bamboozling people methodically.”

    [Attributed to biophysicist A.V. Hill]

  15. A vet tells a woman that her dog has some problem with hair in the dog’s ear and to get a dipilatory, so she goes to the pharmacy.

    Woman: Where do you have Nair?

    Pharmacist: Follow me and I’ll show you. Now, if you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t wear any tight-fitting blouses for a week.

    Woman: No, I’m not putting it under my arms.

    Pharmacist: OK, if you’re using on your legs, don’t wear any nylons for a week.

    Woman: No, you don’t understand, I’m putting it on my schnauzer.

    Pharmacist: Well, in that case, don’t ride any bicycles for a week.

  16. Walking down the beach in California and a guy trips on something in the sand. He uncovers a bottle and pulls out the stopper. There is a flash of light and smoke and a genie appears. “Hello new master I can grant you three wishes.” However this being California we genies have to give every member of the BAR twice what I give you.” The man responds “Who cares, I want a brand new bright red Farrari” The genies says okay but remember now every lawyer in California will have two Farrari’s” “Who cares I got mine” and sure enough a beautiful car appears on the beach next to him.
    “What is your next wish?” “I want a million dollars” says the man and poof the car is full of money. “Remember all the lawyers now have two million dollars.”
    “Now master your third and final wish.”
    The man ponders a few minutes and says “You know I have always wanted one kidney removed.”

  17. Dr C
    My daddy told a similar story of the old jew who moves next to the church His donkey has the bad habit of hopping the fence to eat from the priest’s vegetable garden. Oy
    And there is a similar punch line
    “I go to the shul to save my soul I go to the church to save my ass”

  18. A dog ate all the Scrabble letters. The owner called the vet the next day, but there’s still no word yet.

    It’s a serious situation, the dog’s next poop could spell disaster.

  19. I guess I better quit soon for fear of dominating the thread.

    Husband and wife are celebrating 50 years of marriage.

    Wife: Have you ever been unfaithful to me?

    Husband: No, never, not once. But what about you, were you ever unfaithful?

    Wife: Yes, but only three times. Remember when you couldn’t negotiate the lease for your store and I went to see the landlord? Well . . . .

    Husband: Oh, I guess that worked out then. I guess that’s for the best.

    Wife: And remember when you wanted the bank loan and they turned you down and then I got a loan? Well . . . .

    Husband: Yes, I guess that was worth it, too. What about the third time?

    Wife: Remember when you were running for president of the homeowner’s association and you were 15 votes short?

  20. A man fears that he’s losing his hearing so he goes to see a Doctor. The Doc says to him, “Ok, what can you tell me about the symptoms?”. The man replies, “well, the Mom has really tall blue hair……”.

  21. This is funny, but apparently a true story.

    On the morning of a lunch in Rome held in Princess Margaret’s honour, the ten-year-old daughter of a senior British diplomat had been taught to say grace. But when the moment came, she grew tongue-tied. ‘You remember, darling,’ said her mother encouragingly. ‘Just repeat what Daddy and I said before lunch.’ ‘Oh God, why do we have to have this difficult woman to lunch,’ piped up the little girl.

    1. True story. The woman handling a recording that my husband produced had a serious case of unstoppable interminable intolerable talking….i.e. when you picked up the phone she was already talking. My daughter answered our upstairs phone while my husband was in the shower; he yelled out “Who’s on the phone?” She replied “It’s that woman who talks a lot”. Phone was dead by the time he got there.

  22. There were two octopuses, and one octopus said to the other octopus: “Let me hold your hand, your hand, your hand, your hand, your hand, your hand, your hand…”

  23. A vampire bat flies into his cave with his face covered in blood. The other bats are surprised and demand to know where he got all the blood. He says he’s just tired and wants to sleep. But the other bas insist and they bug him until he relents.

    He flies out of the cave with all of the bats following him. They fly across the river, across a field and the bat lands on a tree. All the other bats gather around him.

    “You see that big tree right there?” he asks.

    “yeah, yeah,” they all cry, getting excited.

    “I didn’t.”

  24. What’s the difference between a cat and an evolutionary biologist? One purrs, and the other researches “purrr-fect” adaptations.

  25. (You have to read it aloud)

    Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

    Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.

  26. Great joke Prof Jerry, and all the others have cheered me up, at least. Here’s my science-based gag to help reach your minimum 50 quota:
    A photon is taking an overseas trip. As he goes through airport security the TSA agent asks him if he has any luggage.
    The photon replies…..’No, I’m travelling light’

    1. Probably a repeat, but for those who didn’t see it:

      A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender brings it to him. The neutron ask “How much do I owe you?” The bartender says, “For you, no charge.”

      1. Two atoms are having a beer at their local bar. Suddenly, one atom starts patting all his pockets. The other atom asks, “What’s wrong.”
        “I think I lost an electron,” says the first.
        “Are you sure?”
        “I’m positive.”

  27. An old couple, well into their nineties, show up at a divorce lawyer’s office and ask him to help them get a divorce. He says, “I don’t understand. You’ve been married over seventy years. Why did you wait this long to get a divorce?” Wife says, ” We were waiting for the kids to die. “

    1. Relatedly, true story.

      I have a friend who is a local cop. Nearly all of them around here are part-time, so the cash-strapped boros don’t have to pay benefits, so besides working in my rough, rustbelt boro he was also working in the nearby affluent boro with lots of nice houses. I asked him what the contrast was like. He said he responded to a call from the latter boro. Someone was parking in this guy’s “second” parking space where he parks his BMW. Okaaaay, where’s your Bimmer now? “In the shop.”

  28. Two engineers are walking to work discussing their week and if anything special occurred.
    One says, oh yes amazing experience, I was walking to the pub and this beautiful girl came towards me on her bicycle, she stopped right in front of me, threw her bicycle to the ground, ripped off all her clothes and said, take whatever you want!
    Well what did you do says his friend, Oh that was easy, I took her bicycle because her clothes would not have fit me!
    Engineers will appreciate the joke.

    1. A mathematician and an engineer placed at either end of a football field with a beautiful woman on the 50 yard line. They are told that if they can answer a question correctly they can move half the distance to the woman with the first one to get to her getting to keep her. The mathematician goes first and is asked who the first president was. He starts laughing and says easy George Washington but does not move. The engineer as asked who the second president was, answers John Adams and moves to the 25 yard line . The mathematician is asked who the third president was and laughing even harder says Thomas Jefferson but does not move. The engineer is asked who the fourth president was and answers James Madison. The mathematician is now laughing so hard he can hardly speak. The judge askes what is so funny. H answers that any fool knows that you can never get to the end of a distance by taking steps of one half the remaining distance. The engineer says true but I can get close enough.

  29. A farmer has some chickens that are sick, so a biologist, a chemist and a physicist come to his farm to help diagnose the problem.
    The biologist examines the birds externally and says “yes they are sick, but I can’t tell what is wrong with them”.
    The chemist takes some blood samples and runs some tests and says “there are abnormalities in the blood, but I don’t know what is wrong with them”.
    Meanwhile the physicist, who has been scribbling away furiously on sheets of paper, shouts “I’ve got it! But it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum”.

      1. Milk production at a dairy farm was low, so the farmer wrote to the local university, asking for help from academia. A multidisciplinary team of professors was assembled, headed by a theoretical physicist, and two weeks of intensive on-site investigation took place. The scholars then returned to the university, notebooks crammed with data, where the task of writing the report was left to the team leader. Shortly thereafter the physicist returned to the farm, saying to the farmer, “I have the solution, but it works only in the case of spherical cows in a vacuum.”

  30. Scientists have discovered a new type of polar bear. It can live in both the North and South poles, is prone to extreme mood swings and has shown interest in other bears of both genders.

    It’s a bi-polar bipolar bi polar bear

  31. Denzyl and Jethro have been drinking in Penzance and have missed the last bus home to Truro. As they are passing the bus depot Jethro says I know what we will do Denzyl, you steal a bus and we will get home in comfort. Good idea says Denzyl and breaks into the bus depot. Lots of bus noises and crashing and some time passes and Denzyl appears with the bus. Jethro says you took long enough what was the problem?
    Denzyl says, lots of busses but the Truro bus was at the back!
    Cornish folk appreciate Jethro humour.

  32. A priest, a minister and a rabbit go to a blood bank.

    The person in charge asks them their blood types

    The rabbit says “I’m pretty sure I’m a Type O”

  33. Splendid joke (though I confess I heard it as “Chicken, chicken, be a fish”). Reminds me of the gag about the Jew who converts as he is dying and says, “Better one of them should die than one of us.” No matter what they do, they will still be considered Jews.

    A Catholic friend and I seemed to know all the Jew-Catholic jokes, and we used to recite the punchlines to each other, sort of like the people who had the jokes numbered. My friend got all of the jokes backward except for two. Here they come, as briefly as possible:

    1. The priest got his new car and sprinkled it with holy water. The rabbi got his new car and cut 5 cm off the exhaust pipe.

    2. The rabbi admitted to having eaten a ham sandwich before rabbinical college. The priest admitted to having slept with a girl before seminary. The rabbi remarked, “Beat the hell out of ham, didn’t it?”

    I am depressed too, but anything to help you get to 50.

    1. Your No. 1 reminded me of a joke from long ago, hopefully just PG.

      The local rabbi started to save all of the foreskins from circumcisions with hopes of crafting something useful. Another rabbi caught wind of his scheme and said “Why you couldn’t even make a billfold!” to which he replied, “Oh I did make a billfold, but if a rub it a bit, I have a suitcase.”

  34. Paddy and Joseph have been plowing the lower field, they finish the work and drive the tractor straight out of the field without looking directly into the lane and into the path of an E Type Jaguar being driven “enthusiastically “ the Jaguar driver seeing the tractor slams on the brakes, swerves, hits the verge and somersaults over the hedge right into the field Paddy and Joseph just plowed.
    Paddy says, bjesus Joseph! Did youse see that? We only just got out of that field in toime!

  35. An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

    A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

    A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

    An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

    Two quotation marks walk into a “bar”.

    A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

    Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

      1. The title, on youtube, is “Washington’s Dream – SNL”

        I don’t suppose there’s any point in giving the url again, because it automatically converts it to the Youtube video. Drat.

          1. Oh, right, oops, sorry – I can’t win – I mean, it was to sound like the scripted skit, is all.

  36. Why do elephants paint their toenails red? So they can hide in cherry trees.

    What’s red and grey and just fell out of a cherry tree?

    Elephant, they’re terrible at climbing trees.

    Why do elephants wear green felt caps?

    So they can sneak across snooker tables unseen.

    How do you know an elephant is in your bed?

    They’re wearing pyjamas with a big E on the front.

    Family friendly elephant jokes.

    1. Why do ducks have webbed feet?
      To stamp out forest fires.
      Why do elephants have big feet?
      To stamp out burning ducks.

    2. How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
      Open the door, insert the elephant, close the door.

      How do you put a giraffe in a fridge?
      Open the door, take out the elephant, insert the giraffe, close the door.

      There is a cake on the kitchen table. Who will eat it?
      The elephant, because the giraffe is stuck in the fridge.

  37. It doesn’t matter how much you push the envelope. It will still be stationary.

    Why are there Pop Tarts, but no Mom Tarts?
    Because of the Pastryarchy

    Someone asked me to name two structures that hold water.
    I was like well damn.

    Yesterday a clown held a door open for me.
    I thought it was a nice jester.

    1. What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?

      Don’t know, don’t care.

      [ heard it here on WEIT! ]

  38. A fellow is out in his car for a drive in the country. He stops to watch a farmer cradling a full-size pig in his arms under an apple tree. The pig is eating the apples one by one. After watching this scene for twenty minutes, the driver rolls down his window and calls out to the farmer:

    “Does that take a long time to feed a pig that way?”

    And the farmer replies:

    “What’s time to a pig?”

  39. An old Jewish joke:

    The waiter asks the diner if he would like anything else. The diner replies:

    “I’d like a cup of coffee, no cream please.”

    The waiter goes to get the coffee, but comes back empty-handed after a couple of minutes. The waiter says:

    “I am very sorry sir – the kitchen is out of cream. Would it be Ok if you had your coffee without milk?”

  40. This one is similar to #29 above:
    One day a poor Russian farmer happens upon a magic talking frog that is ready to grant him a single wish. Overjoyed, the farmer weighs his options: “Maybe a tractor? Or a new barn. Or, even better—a hundred bars of gold?” As the villager is about to make his decision, the frog interrupts him to say that there is one important caveat: whatever the farmer gets, his neighbor will receive two of the same. Without skipping a beat, the farmer says, “In that case, please poke one of my eyes out.”

    One day a poor Russian farmer while working in his field comes upon a talking snake that grants him a single wish. The Russian thinks for a moment and says, “In my village, I have a neighbor who has a cow. I do not have a cow. I wish that my neighbor’s cow shall sicken and die.”

  41. A small group of young friends gathered each Friday night in the local pub to do what young friends do in a pub on Friday night. One Friday night, a old, bent Irishman walks into the pub, stops briefly at the bar to place his order, and proceeded to have seat in a quiet corner. A few minutes later the waitress brings out his order: 3 pints of Guinness. The Irishman takes a sip from each glass, in turn, until all were empty, then he got up and left.

    Again and again, on each Friday night the Irishman would appear, order three beers, drink them quietly, and leave.

    Of course the friends were quite curious about this behavior, and finally one Friday night they selected one of their members to ask him about his curious behavior. The old man smiled and said, “Many years ago back in jolly Ireland me and my two brothers went our separate ways in order to find our fortune in the world. But we made a pact before leaving, that each Friday night we were alive, we were to order three of the finest beers in the world, and them drink them slowly whilst remembering our dear brothers”. The young man smiled broadly, thanked the Irishman, and returned to his friends to relate the story. Being good folks they raised their glasses to toast the Irishman.

    And so it went for many more Fridays, the Irishman would appear and the young friends would greet him warmly. Until one Friday the Irishman showed up as usual, but the waitress only brought him TWO beers. The friends were dismayed. Two beers? It could only mean one thing, their friend had a suffered a loss. They quickly decided to send one of their own over to his table to express their sincere condolences.

    The young person approached the Irishman, paused, and blurted out how sorry they were to learn of the man’s loss. The Irishman was puzzled, and then broke into a smile. “No, no…”, he said, “My brothers are all healthy and well, yes sir!”. But why only two beers inquired his friend? “Oh, that, well you see” said the Irishman, “My doctor said ‘Michael, you’ve got to quit your drinking!”….

    1. At a cocktail party, a doctor approaches his friend the lawyer and says, “at parties like this, someone always asks me for advice. How do you handle this”? The doctor says, “I send them a bill for services”. Next day, the doctor receives a bill for services.

  42. A man comes home, his wife asks him, “Eric, what did the doctor say?”

    Eric replies as he proudly hands it to her: “I got a prescription for Daily Sex”

    She says: “Eric it says ‘Dyslexia’”

    1. After having too many children, a man went to his doctor for advice. The doctor gave him some condoms and assured him that if he followed instructions, his problem would be solved. About 3 months later, the man goes back and says ,“my wife is pregnant again”. The doctor asked if he followed the advice. “Yeah, like you said, I went home and since we don’t have an organ, I put them on our piano”.

  43. I guess I need to provide a couple of jokes to get to 50!

    A Jewish kid (Jerry?) was doing terrible in the public school, worst of all in math. The parents questioned whether sending him to a private school might help, but the only private school in town was a Catholic school. Finally, in desperation, they relent and decide to enroll him in the Catholic school.

    The parents wait anxiously for the end of the first grading period at the new school. Finally, Jerry brings home his first report card. The parents are stunned! “Jerry,” his mom exclaimed, “you were getting all C’s and D’s at the public school, and now you’re getting all A’s and B’s! And look at his math grade! You got an A+ in math? How is this possible?”

    “Ma, I gotta tell you,” Jerry replies, “when I looked above the blackboard on the very first day of class and saw they had some poor guy guy nailed to a plus sign, I knew right then and there that this school was very serious about math!”

  44. So a plane is about to take off, and the pilot does his typical announcements like “We’ll be travelling at 35000 feet at a speed of…”, you know, the whole routine. However, he forgets to turn off the speaker, so after the message, all the passengers hear him say to the co-pilot “You know what I’d really want now? A cup of coffee and a nice [ obscenity redacted ].” So now, a stewardess is panicking because the pilot is making obscene suggestions that all the passengers can hear loud and clear, so she makes a run for the cockpit to make him turn off the speaker. As she’s running, one of the passengers says “Hey hon! Don’t forget the coffee!”

    From Good Will Hunting

    1. On a recent flight to Los Angeles, as a young blond lady was being seated in coach she tells the stewardess, “I’m going to Los Angeles, and I want to sit in first class”. The stewardess informs her that her ticket says “coach”. The blond persists, “I’m going to Los Angeles, and I want to sit in first class”. Frustrated, the stewardess informs the pilot who goes to the blond and says something to the lady and she calmly takes her seat. “What did you say to her” asks the stewardess. The pilot replies, “I told her that the first class section wasn’t going to Los Angeles”.

  45. An Irishwoman hears a knock at her door, and opens it. “Tim!,” she says, “what are you doin’ here in the middle of the day when your supposed to be at work with me husband Patrick at the Guinness plant?”

    “Well, Mary,” Tim replied, “you’d best sit down as I have some very sad news for you. Your husband Patrick has died. The poor man fell into a vat of Guinness and was drowned.”

    “Oh good lord,” Mary exclaims, “me poor, poor husband Patrick! Tim, can you at least give this poor widow the comfort of telling me that he went quickly?”

    “Would that I could, Mary,” says Tim sadly, “but truth be told, he got out 3 times to pee.”

  46. By the way the original joke that started this off was good! It’s not easy to devise a good joke from scratch!

  47. Okay one more California genie joke.
    Man is walking down the beach and trips over a bottle. He picks it up and uncorks it and a genie appears. “I can grant you a single wish master so choose wisely.” The man tells the genie “he has always dreamed of going to Hawaii but is afraid to fly and gets violently sea sick so build me a bridge from California to Hawaii.”
    The genie looks back and says “Look I have great powers but consider what you are asking for. The pylons alone would be twenty thousand feet tall, and have to be enormous to withstand the waves. It would take all the concrete the world could produce in a year.” “Look I have great powers but be a little realistic.”
    The man thinks a bit and says “You know, I have always wanted to understand how my wife thinks.”
    The genie looks at the man and says.
    “Will that be two lanes or four.”

  48. Matthew 4v10 &11 has Jesus say to the crowd, “Even though you are evil you wouldn’t give a snake to your child when they asked for fish” Yet in Acts 10v12 St Peter has a vision where Jesus tells him to eat reptiles / snake from the table cloth. St Peter acts like he has never heard the line about not offering snake when your child wants fish or at least doesn’t retort, “You’re kidding lord, didn’t you say not to offer snake to a kid hungry for fish?” . The funny thing is that if the story is about salvation for the whole world it would have made more sense to tell St Peter to sail across the Atlantic to tell the message and get cocoa then combine it with the sugar cane of SE Asia to make chocolate and tell the message there too. We can laugh now that in Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter the foods of the New World ; turkey, potatoes, tomatoes, chocolate, cornflour feature so prominently, foods denied to the Old World for over 1492 after the time Jesus is imagined to have lived. So at the celebration meals give thanks that its not snake, well maybe silently if you don’t want to let politics and religion spoil a happy occasion.

  49. You can safely cheer up now Prof JC, your quota has been greatly exceeded! Hope it makes you realise how much you’re appreciated 🙂

  50. A holocaust survivor returns to Warsaw some years after WWII is over and the city thriving. He notices his watch has stopped so he walks around and then finds a store with a clock over the entrance and a clock in the window. He enters and goes to the counter, takes off the watch and puts it on the counter. The proprietor says: sorry, I dont repair watches. The man says: well, what do you do? The other man says: I am a mohel. The customer then asks him why he has clocks over the door and in the window. “So vat shood I put in de vindow?

      1. In a similar vein: My brother was a veterinarian (true, actually), and he once had a job circumcising whales. The pay was lousy, but the tips were big.

  51. A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed the cue ball. To everyone’s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow managed to swallow it whole. The bartender looked at the guy and said,
    “Did you see what your Monkey just did?”
    “No, what?” replied the man.
    “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table…whole!”
    “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy.
    “He eats everything in sight. Sorry and don’t worry, I’ll pay for the cue ball.”
    The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for all the stuff the Monkey ate and left.
    Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.
    The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.
    Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it. The bartender asked,
    “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
    “No, what?” replied the man.
    “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!”
    “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy.
    “He will eat anything, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.”

  52. (Can I do a Trump joke?)

    Trump and Putin go out to dinner. The waiter asks Putin what he’d like.

    Putin says, “I’ll have the chicken.”

    The waiter asks, “And for your vegetable?”

    Putin says, “He’ll also have the chicken.”

    1. Only if I can do one. I saw it on Jimmy Kimmel the other night and it resulted in me doing a real-life LOL! I can’t remember the exact wording, but Kimmel was making some jokey comparisons of Hitler and Trump, and came out with:

      “Hey you can say what you like about Hitler, but at least he had a wife who loved him!”

  53. Late in the summer a first grade teacher in a small school ran into the kindergarten teacher and asked if she could tell her about the new pupils she was about to have in September. The kindergarten teacher sighed and said “oh, they’re a wonderful bunch of children, no trouble at all — save for one. I have to warn you about Johnny.”

    “Really? What’s the problem?”

    “He doesn’t sit still, he doesn’t listen, he doesn’t do his work or put things back…”

    “I’ve had difficult children before.”

    “He screams obscenities, he breaks things, he steals and lies, spits and bites …”

    “Good heavens! Does he have any good qualities at all?”

    “Yes. Perfect attendance.”

  54. Here is a classic.
    The United States of America has recently elected the first Jewish president and it’s the day of his inauguration.

    In the front row sits the new president’s mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her.

    “You see that man over there with his hand on the Bible?”

    The Senator whispers back, “Yes I do.”

    Says Mom proudly, “His brother’s a doctor.”

  55. A 13 year-old boy was having difficulty with mathematics and was failing that subject in public school. His parents were not religious but after a friend’s suggestion they felt a private Catholic school could be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after he enrolled in the Catholic school. When asked what prompted his dramatic improvement in math skills, he responded, “When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!”

  56. A guy sits down at the bar. A couple of minutes later, he hears a voice say, “Nice shirt.” He looks around, but there’s no one nearby .

    A minute later, he hears the same voice: “You look in shape–do you work out?” He looks around. No one is near him.

    He asks the bartender what just happened. The bartender smiles and points to a bowl of nuts sitting on the bar in front of the man.
    “It’s the nuts. They’re complimentary.”

  57. Me: “Hey Jerry, did you know that I 💩 with the door open?”
    Jerry: “You 💩 with the door open?”
    Me: “Yeah, it keeps people out of the elevator!”

  58. So here’s an old lawyer joke:
    Q: Why does New Jersey have the most toxic waste dumps and Washington DC have the most lawyers?
    A: New Jersey got the first pick.

  59. This is good! Thanks!! Late to this, thinking I got nothing but Bruce #58 above did remind of the dyslexic Satanist who sold his soul to Santa.

    And my grandson, age 11 & on his medication break really did this one on me:

    “Grandpa, do you know what ADHD means?” Me: “why don’t you tell me?” Kid says, “attention deficit”… (whirls suddenly, looks elsewhere)..”Hey! Doughnut!”

    1. In that vein:

      Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?

      He would lay awake at night wondering if there really was a Dog.

    1. Perhaps I didn’t need to be so formal. Here is the more informal version.

      What do you call a fake noodle?
      An impasta.

  60. A guy walks into a bar, orders 2 shots of whiskey, and tells the bartender to put one in a thimble. The bartender gives him a funny look, but the guy assures the bartender that he’ll pay full price for the thimble of whiskey, so the bartender complies. The bartender sets the 2 shots down and the man immediately tosses down the full size shot. He then reaches into one pocket and pulls out a miniature piano and stool, and reaches into the other and pulls out a little man, about a foot tall. The little man walks over and downs his thimble of whiskey, then sits down at the piano and starts to play. A big crowd gathers around to watch, and his playing is just astonishing — classical music, jazz piano, pop songs, you name it. After about an hour, the full-size guy picks up the little man and the piano and stool puts them back in his pockets, and starts to head for the door.

    “Wait a minute, pal,” the bartender calls to him. “That was amazing! Where did you ever get a little man like that?”

    “Well,” the man replies, “to make a long story short, my fairy godmother appeared to me one day and told me she would grant me one wish for absolutely anything I wanted. Unfortunately, the deaf old cow thought I said a 12 inch “pianist.”

  61. Jewish jokes are among the best, I think. This is one my father told me years ago (and I confess I haven’t read ALL the comments so I hope it hasn’t been told already).

    Two Jewish men are best friends for years but one day they have a terrible falling-out. “I curse you”, says one to the other. “May you lose your car, your house, all your possessions and all your savings. May you come crawling to me on your hands and knees begging me to help you!”

    “And may I be so poor that I can’t give you any help!”

  62. The town painter always diluted the paint he used so he could make extra money. When he got the job painting the church building, he thinned his paint as usual. When he was on his ladder painting the church, a stroke of lightning struck the ladder and threw the painter to the ground. Lying supine and looking upward, he heard a great voice, say, “Repaint, repaint, and thin no more”.

  63. Every time a little boy went to his friend’s house, he found his friend’s grandmother deeply engrossed in her Bible. Finally his curiosity got the better of him.

    “Why do you suppose your grandmother reads the Bible so much?” he asked.

    “I’m not sure,” said his friend, “but I think she’s cramming for her finals.”

  64. You might know this one, but here it goes.

    (Back in 2010, on the social news and discussion site Reddit, the topic arose of “What word or phrase did you totally misunderstand as a child?” A user named Lard_Baron has this charming reply which, over the ensuing years, has become something of meme online.)

    When I was young, my father said to me: “Knowledge is power, Francis Bacon.”
    I understood it as “Knowledge is power. France is bacon.”

    For more than a decade, I wondered over the meaning of the second part and what was the surreal linkage between the two.

    If I said the quote to someone, “Knowledge is power, France is Bacon,” they nodded knowingly. Or someone might say, “Knowledge is power” and I’d finish the quote “France is bacon,” and they wouldn’t look at me like I’d said something very odd, but thoughtfully agree.

    I did ask a teacher what did “Knowledge is power, France is bacon” mean and got a full 10-minute explanation of the “knowledge is power” bit but nothing on “France is bacon.” When I prompted further explanation by saying “France is bacon?” in a questioning tone, I just got a “yes.”

    At 12 I didn’t have the confidence to press it further. I just accepted it as something I’d never understand.

    It wasn’t until years later I saw it written down that the penny dropped.

    1. You reminded me of a hymn we used to sing at school when I was a small boy. One verse had a line in it which was “ I will make you fishers of men” for a long time I thought it was “I will make you viscous old men”
      Christianity, what can I say!

      1. And as a wee boy I was fascinated by ‘Dance, then, wherever you may be
        For I am the Lord of the dance settee
        And I’ll lead you all, wherever you may be
        And I’ll lead you all in the dance settee’.

      2. There is a hymn entitled, “Lead on O King Eternal.”

        A young boy listening to it misinterpreted it as, “Lead on Old Kinky Turtle.”

  65. In 1730 Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a now-famous memo to the Leipzig Town Council, asking for more musicians to be hired in order to perform more modern compositions. The Council, though, realized that the additional string players would likely obtain their instruments from local makers in Saxony. They refused Bach’s request because they didn’t want any more Saxon violins in their church music.

  66. Instead of a joke, I would like to relay a family story that you may find amusing.
    Many years ago, when anti-Catholic sentiment was actually still quite strong in the midwest, my aunt Donna, who was attending medical school brought her boyfriend at the time home for the holidays. Everyone was gathered for a big family dinner, and at some point, the boyfriend left the room, leaving my aunt with my great-grandmother at the table. Somehow, great-grandmother had sussed out something, and asked my aunt whether or not her new boyfriend was Jewish. When my aunt Donna confirmed this, my very Protestant Great-Grandma exclaimed in outrage “Donna?! don’t you know that all Jews are Catholic!!!”

  67. A Dublin man on holiday sees a sign outside a Kerry farmhouse: ‘Talking Dog For Sale’… “Well this should be fun,” he thinks. “Let’s have a look.” He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a nice looking black Labrador Retriever sitting there.

    “Do you really talk?” He asks the dog. “Yes!” The Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, “So, tell me your story!” The Labrador looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.

    “I wanted to help the government, so I joined the Garda. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world drug lords, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down.

    “I signed up for a job at Dublin airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I’ve just retired!”

    The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the Kerryman how much he wants for the dog. “Ten quid!” The owner says.

    “A tenner?? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?”

    “Because he’s a lying bastard. He’s never been out of the garden!”

  68. A philosophical trolley dilemma:

    The ship has sunk, you are in a life boat. There’s a lawyer and a real estate agent drowning in the sea, but there’s only time to save one of them.

    What do you put in your sandwich?

    What’s the definition of perfect pitch?

    Throwing a banjo into a skip* and hitting an accordion.

    *dumpster in American.

  69. Heisenberg, Schrödinger and Ohm are in a car. They get pulled over by the police.

    Heisenberg is driving, and the cop asks him, “Do you know how fast you were going?”
    “No, but I know exactly where I am,” Heisenberg replies.
    The cop says, “You were doing 55 in a 35.”
    Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts, “Great! Now I’m lost!”

    The cop thinks this is suspicious. He looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if they have anything in the trunk.
    “A cat,” Schrödinger replies.
    The officer opens the trunk and yells, “This cat is dead!”
    Schrödinger angrily replies, “Well it is now.”

    The cop moves to arrest them.
    Ohm resists.

  70. In honour of our host’s recent visit to Paris:

    An English tourist in a Parisian restaurant notices a fly in his soup. He calls the waiter over.

    “Er, garcon, il y a un mouche dans mon potage”.

    The waiter replies: “Ce n’est pas UN mouche, monsieur; c’est UNE mouche”

    The customer exclaims admiringly “Goodness me, you’ve got good eyesight!”

    1. And if you don’t like that fly joke…well, I have others:

      – Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
      – How do you know it’s a fly, sir?
      – Because I’ve just broken a tooth on the zip.

      An Englishman, an Irishmen and a Scotsman are having a quiet dram together. Each of them notices a fly in their whisky glasses.

      The Englishman takes a teaspoon and carefully lifts his fly out.

      The Irishman dips his thumb into his drink, and flicks his fly out.

      The Scotsman picks his fly up between his thumbs and forefingers, and wrings it out.

  71. A witch sees her other witch friend crying.
    – Oh, no! What happened?
    – The doctor told me I can’t have children anymore…
    – Come on, Brenda, food allergens are not the end of the world.

    A child complains to Santa
    – But Santa, there was literally nothing in the box you gave me!
    – Oh, sorry about that, you must be in the control group then.

    A child sitting in Santa’s lap says to him:
    – For Christmas I want a dragon!
    – Ho ho ho, be realistic!
    – No more wokeness in the world!
    – Ho ho ho, what color do you want your dragon?

  72. Irish Black Humour
    Man walking through Belfast during the height of the bombing campaigns. Feels a sharp object in the small of his back. A voice from behind,
    “Are you a Tadhg (catholic)?”
    “Are you a Sammie (protestant)?”
    “Then what are ye?”
    “I’m a Jew”
    “Hard luck pal, I’m a Palestinian!”

  73. Three types of engineers are discussing the nature of God one Friday afternoon.

    the mechanical engineer says:

    “God is definitely a mechanical engineer. Look at all the joints that are in the human body — the tendons that run through them — the kneecap function —all this speaks of a marvelous understanding of mechanics, for it to work so transparently.”

    The electrical engineer says :

    “No way. God is first and foremost an electrical engineer. Observe the elegant voltage gated ion channels — the synapse — the axon — all the way up to the brain and eye, generating the entire world in each of our heads based on the tiniest of biologically functional moieties : water and various ions.”

    The civil engineer says:

    “That is all adorable but wrong. The big guy in the sky is definitely a civil engineer. Who else would route a waste disposal pipe directly through an entertainment facility, and not only that, but dump toxic waste the next door over?”

    [ I rewrote it a tad ]

    1. What about a genetic engineer, a civil engineer and a software engineer.

      The genetic engineer says “we were first because, in the beginning God created the plants and animals. That’s clearly genetic engineering”

      The civil engineer says “ah, yes, but before that God took the chaos and formed the land and the sea out of it. Civil engineering.”

      The software engineer says smugly, “ah, but where do you think the chaos came from?”

      1. Ha! That is so good!

        Might not go well in certain company though – I tried that with a lightbulb variant.

        Cold, was the reception.

    1. A Groucho Marx classic!

      My favorite of his:

      “I find television very educational. Every time someone turns on the set, I go into the next room and read a book.”

      1. Hope this isn’t too late but my favorite Groucho story involves a married couple that are contestants on his show. During the interviews the couple discloses they have nine kids. Groucho rather taken aback says to the husband “ You must love your wife”. The husband says “yes I do”. Groucho says “Well I love my cigar but at least I take it out once in while”.

  74. Time for R*ssian (I mean USSR) jokes.

    As all building material gets stolen on building sites in R*ssia, a guard is posted at the door. This guard sees the same worker go out of the building site every day with an empty weehlbarrow. And of course he’s quite surprised that this worker does not appear to be stealing anything, unlike all the coworkers that get nicked from time to time.

    FF 25 years and time for the worker to retire. The guard cannot hold it any longer and asks him (building workers being males in their majority) that she (gender balance) has been watching him all these years and cannot figure out what he stole over that time.

    The worker responds “I’ve been stealing wheelbarrows”

    1. The line to buy toilet paper in Gorbachev’s USSR is around the block several times, and it hasn’t budged in 30 minutes. One guy gets so frustrated and says, “That’s it, I’m going to assassinate Gorbachev!”

      Two hours later he comes back into his same place in line and the guy behind him says, “Did you really assassinate Gorbachev?” The first guy says, “No, the line was too long.”

  75. Guy walks into a bar. It’s almost empty but at the end of the bar he sees a man sitting there with a huge, round, orange head. They get to talking about the game on tv and then chatting about this and that. Finally, the first man can’t help himself.

    “Excuse me, but do you mind if I ask you a personal question?”

    “That’s fine. I know what it is — you want to ask me about my huge, round, orange head, right?”

    “I’m afraid I do.”

    “No problem. You see, I wasn’t always like this. I used to have a perfectly normal head.

    But one day I was walking along the beach and noticed a lantern in the sand. I picked it up, brushed it off, and — poof! A Genie appeared.

    He said ‘You have freed me. I will now grant you 3 wishes, whatever you want.’

    Excited,I said ‘Give me a million dollars!’

    Poof! A million dollars appeared on the sand next to me.

    Then I said ‘Now I want a beautiful woman who will love me forever!’

    Poof! There she was, hanging on my arm with adoration in her eyes.

    The Genie told me ‘You have one more wish.’

    And that’s where I think I made my mistake …

    I asked for a huge, round, orange head.”

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