A Calvinist d*g

March 4, 2018 • 2:30 pm

From the Babylon Bee (click on screenshot), which appears to be an underappreciated Onion-like site:

The text:

SEATTLE, WA—Responding to his owner Matt affectionately calling him a “good boy” for fetching a stick, local Calvinist canine Rupert reportedly reminded him that “according to the Scriptures, nobody is a good boy.”

“We’ve been over this, Matt. We’re all corrupted—every one of us,” Rupert reportedly said to his owner after stopping mid-stride to address the glaring theological error. “How can you call me a good boy when we have all been marred by the effects of sin?”

According to witnesses, the dog went on to lecture his owner for several minutes, stressing how easy it is to forget who we really are in light of God’s blinding holiness and our desperately fallen nature.

“Do not call me a good boy—I am a depraved wretch,” he added before picking up his stick and continuing to play.

Two other chuckles with links (there are many pieces at the site, with quite a few satirizing religion):

h/t: Stephen

27 thoughts on “A Calvinist d*g”

  1. Not until the person declares that it identifies as a woman or a man can anyone know whether the fetus was a boy or a girl.

    It’s just an intersectional fact!

    Glen Davidson

    1. I’ve seen articles demanding that doctors stop proclaiming a child to be a boy or girl when it’s born because that’s assuming the child’s gender.

      2. Seriously? Really? You mean if the baby has a weenie you can’t say it’s a boy? You can’t say anything about whether to buy the pink wrapped “It’s a girl!” cigars if the weenie is clearly missing? You mean the parents are to announce that Our Baby of Indeterminate Gender was born, and it’s name is Chris, or Pat? Oh good lord, what next??

          1. Jeeeeezus. That Slate one has got to be a Poe. Like, if the nasty doctor would just avoid noticing whether the little darling has a dick or not, then *nobody else in the entire world* from parents on is ever going to notice either?

            Awkward biological fact (OK so I’m a fascist): When it comes to, shall we say, developing intimate personal relationships, gender – and specifically dick-equipped or otherwise – is going to matter rather a lot to 99%+ of us. 95% would prefer the opposite gender, 5% would prefer the same gender, but nobody (to a first approximation) is going to be happy with ‘just not looking’.

            cr

      3. You are behind the times. 30 years ago I heard feminists demand a ban on ultrasound to find out the sex, because, supposedly, women were aborting females. So much for “my body my choice”!

    2. The position of many regressives is that a fetus isn’t just “not a person” in the legal sense, but that it should be considered a parasite. Either way though you can’t misgender something that they don’t even consider a human being.

      I say that snarkily, despite being very pro-choice myself.

      1. If it’s unwanted then it is a parasite. One that has massive detrimental effects on the health of the victim, possibly even life-threatening, and on their whole existence for many years after the parasite has been removed. Fortunately (for people who live in enlightened countries at least) the infection is easily treated if caught in time.

        That’s about the only thing the regressives have got right, though.

        cr

        1. I think the “parasite” meme is regressive snark run amok that almost certainly hurts the pro-choice cause infinitely more than it could ever help it.

          No, parasitism is not simply a case of being “unwanted.” The embryo or fetus is still carrying your germ line, so it is not conferring zero benefit. There are plenty of better arguments for abortion that we don’t need to give the anti-abortionists free PR.

  3. On the McSludge front – one of the UK fast-sludge chains recently ran out of chicken due to … I believe the simplest word is “incompetence”. How many lives have been saved isn’t clear yet.

  4. Thanks for the tip! Some other good articles at the site, such the pastor preparing curling metaphors for his next sermon, and the washed-up actor now ready to star in a Christian film as either “an embittered atheist college professor” or as the “wayward husband” his wife keeps praying for…

  5. Be careful of that woman. She’s in cahoots with Big Paint. They have too much Buttered Sunflower in inventory.

  6. “Babylon Bee” is edited by a fairly liberal evangelical Christian with a good sense of humor.

    I was especially fond of the one on Jerry Falwell Jr. accepting 30 pieces of silver for endorsing Donald Trump.

  7. I looked at Babylon Bee’s website, but I wasn’t impressed with her comparing abortion control and gun control: “With our current laws, children are dying at an alarming and unacceptable rate,” one member of the audience said during the question-and-answer session. “We have got to take some meaningful steps toward reducing the number of deaths by abortion in this country.”

    “We must ban all late-term abortions—period,” she stated firmly as the rest of the audience erupted in cheers. “On top of that we need to implement some common-sense laws, like mandatory permits and waiting periods. The longer you wait to change your tune on this, the more blood will be on your hands!”

    1. What’s extra infuriating about the focus on “late term abortions” is that these are almost all WANTED pregnancies in which something has just gone wrong. Which would be obvious if anyone spent more than a microsecond thinking about it. Who wants to put up with morning sickness and other fun byproducts of pregnancy for months on end just to terminate at the 11th hour? No, the women who don’t want a baby at all are trying to abort ASAP and the women who terminate in the third trimester often don’t want to, but circumstances make it so they have to.

  8. Sounds like this ultrasound tech could use some equal opportunity unemployment. I wonder if she/he/other would be comfortable saying “your unborn child has [or lacks] a penis?”

  10. It was Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden who caused sin to enter the world. Dogs did not sin so far as we know but were punished by drowning in the Flood.
    Nice of God to eliminate the humans and animals he had only created 1,500 years previously.

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