Sometimes, after looking at PuffHo, the Ultimate Social Justice Website, I amuse myself with the idea of making up some annoying PuffHo headlines for its articles, nearly all written by privileged white post-college women who want to either shame us or tell us what do to. If you don’t look at PuffHo and aren’t familiar with their unspeakably annoying style, you needn’t enter this contest; but its rules are simple: fabricate two PuffHo headlines that are funny but could just conceivably have appeared on the site. And remember, the site has an agenda, largely dictated by Arianna:
- All Democrats are angels; all Republicans are Satan
- The content of the site always reflects the full Regressive Leftist agenda.
- Nothing that Muslims do is bad; anything “Islamic” that appears bad was either not motivated by religion, was not done by a “true” Muslim, or was misunderstood by Westerners.
- All religion is good, including “spirituality”
- We have to use up those leftover food scraps
- The most important problem in the U.S. is lack of sleep
- Anything done by the Kardashians or Taylor Swift (annoyingly called “TSwift”) deserves mention, especially if it involves a feud.
- Words like “perfect” are used as often as possible, especially when describing a response to a right-wing claim
- “Genius” is liberally used as an adjective.
- There are often features like “six things you need to know this morning.” If you use that trope, you have to list everything we need to know.
- Amy Schumer is God, and anything she says is genius, particularly when she’s throwing shade on a hater.
So, exercise your creativity in my absence.
Rules: Submit two mock headlines satirizing those that might appear in the PuffHo. The deadline is 5 p.m. Chicago time, this Friday, August 12. The winner will receive either an autographed copy or an audiobook of Faith Versus Fact, with a cat drawn in the former. I reserve the right to declare that there is no winner if the headlines aren’t funny enough.
p.s. Winner George of the “guess the Presidential candidates” contest has yet to claim his book, and I owe someone another cat-autographed book whose name I can’t recall and whose information I lose (he sent me a copy of his cat). Please email me.
I so love satire…..good thing I’m off this week to read these & think of my own.
Good Nights-Better Days, Arianna to bring “3rd Metric” lecture tour to Veterans with PTSD. And , Toddler with Progeria totally nails the secret to aging well with one EPIC tweet-FEEL the FEELS.
I can only think of one:
Six genius ways TSwift’s perfect, all-religion-embracing spirituality helps her save food, get even with her exes, reject conservatives and sleep 8 hours per night!
Quick, but not very good, effort:
“Muslim Republican has genius idea: Make Kim K president”
“Templeton researchers prove that God really is perfect and she speaks through the words of her perfect vessel, TSwift”
Okay, here’s one just because it cracks me up:
my>The Devonian Diet: Pre-Industrial Fish and their Secret to Wellness
See how I use “pre-industrial” instead of “primitive” because that would be insulting.
Pass the cockroaches! This genius diet slims you down AND prepares you for a Trump presidency! It’s the Doomsday Diet!!
It’s not even satire, it’s real. 🙁
http://www.npr.org/sections/thesalt/2016/08/06/488861223/cockroach-milk-yes-you-read-that-right
~Grania
Ha ha! Gross.
I thought of “Hillary looks Angelic in White suit” and discovered that was real!!
A bug (whether True Bug or not) that gives live birth and feeds ‘milk’ (it’s not clear if it actually is a kind of milk, or merely superficially similar) to it’s young?
PCC, please comment on this one, I’m rather curious about if this is as legit as NPR makes it sound, and how the hell such a bug came about.
Watch: Reza Aslan’s PERFECT Response To Islamaphobe Suggesting Correlation Between Suicide Bombing And Religious Affiliation
My second headline:
Students Petition Dean’s Resignation After Insensitive Calls For “Open Dialogue”
That’s a nice one, and I could absolutely see it being n actual headline
Things that could be actual headlines are what I’m looking for.
I’d vote for this one.
Sub
sub
“Genius Headline Contest Thought-Up by Right-Wing Islamophobe Atheist Gets Ultimate Smackdown When Entrants Attain Spiritual Enlightenment: Check out the 7 Reasons Why!”
“7 Reasons Why I Don’t Have to List My Reasons and the PERFECT Casserole to Serve To Haters Who Think I Do!”
Haha! Haters Casserole: Sink Your Teeth into Social Justice!
Three Vegan Foods That Will Keep You Healthy and Beautiful To 120.
1. Scrambled Tofu
2. Soy Milk
3. Tofurkey
2016 Perseid Meteor Shower: Will be Three Times As Spectacular As Last Year Says Astronomers
“GENIUS Astronomers”, surely?
Or GENIUS scrambled tofu.
FISRT HEADLINE:
Beyoncé, a.k.a. greatest artist of all time, SLAYS with this dihydrogen monoxide-free diet
SECOND HEADLINE:
Revolutionary new book by Reza Aslam reveals Mohammed was a transgender rights activist: “you have to be blind not to see it”, said the scholar.
I only learn of what PuffHo posts via WEIT and occasionally FB. This one (re. the pelican if you’ve already seen it) showed up on my FB feed this morning. They need to get off their soapbox and focus on stuff like this: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/pelican-cop-car-cruiser_us_57a6381ce4b03ba680128d37?
4.3 hacks for 3 things you are doing wrong:
1. Using a towel
2. Washing your hands
3. Being awake
4. Counting
5. Praying in your sleep
Not intended to win but I feel better, thanks.
Douma collapses from gluten dust as bakery truck passes; adorable pitbull saves water birth.
Doula?
Yeah, but whatever. Friends just got back from a trip to Russia and I probably crossed connections with Duma.
We should respect Neanderthals and learn from the record of their culture three great things: sharing, lack of materialism and the stone age diet.
four great things! sharing, lack of materialism, the stone age diet, and the healing effect of sleep according to natural diurnal rythms.
Nobody respects the Neanderthal Exposition!
😀
I saw an article in the Guardian about a year ago (and can’t find it again of course) that was saying in part that we now know Neanderthals had a culture and we should have respect for that.
I think that one cannot follow a “paleo diet” in the New World, because paleolithic humans never made it there and so never used local foods. However, the diet seems to be promoted and followed mainly by Americans. (Not to mention the other aspects of its nonsense.)
But will HuffPo care?
Does the paleo diet require local foods, or would one have to combine it with some version of locovorism?
To be honest, I do not know, but logically it should at least require use of foods that were actually eaten by Paleolithic humans, i.e. Old World derived.
I didn’t even know that a word “locovorism” exists!
Millenial activist couple finds spiritually hungry homeless atheist, makes him a tofurkey smoothie – now he’s sleeping much better.
7 reasons why Trump presidency is bad for you sleep.
1. Prominent New Atheist and noted Neo-con, fascist, torture proponent Sam Harris continues his long history of gross, racist, misogyny by endorsing Trump, calling Hillary Clinton unfit for the Presidency (because she’s a woman), and re-iterating his support for a nuclear first strike on literally every single Muslim.
2. Deepak Chopra explains how you can improve your health and that of all your descendants through Quantum Mechanical Genomic Imprinting: “You can achieve harmonious one-ness with the flow of dimensionless universal consciousness.” -And all you have to do is SLEEP!
Damn! I meant to use the word “Epigenetics” in there for #2. I guess genomic imprinting will have to suffice.
10 reasons why white privilege and islamophobia prevents America from seeing why we need a muslim president.
Father’s day celebration triggers a painful reminder of patriarchy in college students.
Excellent satire!
The Father’s Day one is pure gold!
Hilarious! 😛
Here’s The Real Reason We Love Watching—Wait For It—Way Better Tweets Taking Down 3 Things You’re Not Allowed To Say About Amy Schumer.
1) Anti-Trump Republicans Finally Come Up With Third-Party Challenger
Entry #2: Jill Stein May Not Be Anti-Vax, But She’s Pushing A Dangerous Anti-Vax Theory
3) The Troubling and Counterproductive Trend of Liberals Policing Free Speech: We Cannot Silence Those We Disagree With
That’s a real headline. I read it this morning.
First headline:
Why watching their countrymen win in Rio should make white people feel ashamed: The western empires may be gone, but the spirit of colonialism lives on in the white man’s hunger for robbing South America of its precious metals.
Second headline:
Sharia is not as bad as you think:
Western media tend to focus exclusively on the unfamiliarly harsh punishments for apostasy and homosexuality, but a closer look from beyond our parochial vantage point reveals a surprisingly progressive, inclusive and complete system of law.
Those are good, but I feel like in the first it should be “medals.”
Haha. You could shorten it up a bit: “Think you’re not a racist? Think again! Why white people need to feel ashamed at the Olympics!”
1) Bad boy, bad girl! How you’re harming your dog by indoctrinating them into the gender binary.
2) Harvard researchers successfully rank all Americans by oppression. “Expect major breakthroughs in progressive censorship” says professor of Humanities.
Both good 😀
(Second entry, if that’s allowed)
First headline:
The epigenetics of atheism: Why we are not born to disbelieve.
Second headline:
The new rape: Words can be painful so why do we insist on maintaining the archaic distinction between offensive comments and physical assaults?
In a genius gesture of solidarity with American Muslims, Obama buys Malia and Natasha burqinis for their family trip to France
Smashingly perfect swimwear for the twerking averse: How to get your groove on in a burqini
On faith: The prayer that helped Jimmy Carter’s doctors melt the melanoma in Carter’s brain and liver
Hahahaha!
Or “how to pray the right way!”
Pray for immune system checkpoint inhibitors like Keytruda.
“Upon swilling those Templeton (Rye) whiskey shots left behind from her infamous all – nighter, TSwift undergoes perfectly angelic shampooing as true Muslim men deign to allow her now – thoroughly shaded spirit to ethereally waft its genius self out of Africa.”
“So Sister – Wife Khloé, your BoyFriend Montana’s Genius Prophet f****d a nine – year—old but he can’t clean up this – here Fourth o’July bratwurst ? Serendipitous then you’re divorcing that brothel – scrapping Odom – Husband so’s BF can remain true to his bros and take more (of AllYa’Alls) outta their nights.”
Since I do not know the PoHuff, I have no idea if either of these two are even close to “its r e a l i t y” for headlining clickbait. This was Monday – fun, though; I quite enjoyed silently sniggering to m’self as I tried !
Blue
” … … Out of Africa.”
Blixen ( Streep ) – style,
Blue
Noah’s Ark WaterPark is the most incredible water park you’ve never heard of–Family-friendly fun in Wisconsin.
Hillary Clinton bought a burqa and got kitten
Porch-Monkey Slut Spits on Loving Father’s Plan to Protect Her. This would be a suitable Puffho headline for this outrageous story from The Clarion Project:
https://www.clarionproject.org/news/taken-saudi-arabia-and-locked-cage
good headline – I also saw that disturbing article in a couple of British outlets
TSwift and Kanye hookup; Details at PuffHost Live!
Cosby sex-abuse victim tally reaches 1024.
My submissions:
1) Reza Aslan and Oprah discuss four spiritual benefits of Islamic breastfeeding practices.
2) Chopra and Oprah purchase bankrupt Quantum Foods and Whole Foods in merger.
Quantum Whole Health Weight Loss Center threatens name copyright suit.
[There really was a food store named Quantum Foods in Illinois, and there really is a Quantum Whole Health Weight Loss Center in Los Angeles]
=-=-=
Mindblowing REAL HuffPo headlines I found looking into this:
What It’s Like To Have Your Period During Ramadan
What Star Wars and Islam Have In Common
[Comparisons of Star Wars and Islam is apparently quite a meme in some circles, with at least 3 articles on HuffPo. Article Includes this:
“I see the dark side [of the force-JLH] and Anakin’s negative path as a misguided understanding of the force, much like that of Abu Bakr Al Baghdadi and ISIS and their misunderstanding of Islam.” ]
=-=-=
Actual relieving HuffPo headines I found looking into this
Dear Liberals: Being Critical of Islam Is Not Racism
[Since that is a really good HuffPo article I will link to it.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shawn-moksvold/the-lefts-problem-with-fr_b_8930598.html ]
Hahahaha! Don’t feel bad about your girth because we measure it in Planck lengths and that will make anyone feel huge!
Sticking with The Donald:
Birthers Revenge! New evidence suggests that Trump may not have been born in America.
Pence Boasts – We are holding the best cards because they are all Trump!
Trump Trails after Hamburqa Cultural Appropriation Gaffe.
Hillary’s Genius Plan: Holistic Health through Quantum Sleep and Angelic Guidance.
Screaming “allahu akbar” while murdering people doesn’t mean what you think it means (because you’re racist)
Use these 5 genius life hacks to incorporate homophobia, misogyny and intolerance into your liberal world view: number 3 is shocking!
You’ll never guess what common plant cured this mans headache – don’t tell big pharma!
Those are mine but I have to share what may be my all-time favorite headline from the onion:
“Constant rage: could other people fucking up all the time be to blame?”
That’s a great Onion headline and my answer is “yes!”
And … … “You did know, did you not, that: Joan of Arc was Noah’s wife ?”
Blue
Along, o’course, with thus, not ? http://www.pinterest.com/pin/506655026808319890
Blue
Sorry ! I’ll quit ! and stfu !
Just got off, that is I guess, on … … a roll.
Blue
“A fact of life: After Monday and Tuesday, then even the calendar says … … W T F !”
Blue
O my ! .that. last / Onion one is just preciously darling !
I may need to addend it to tomorrow afternoon’s staff meeting – agenda !
Thank you, Alpha Neil !
Blue
1. Deepak Chopra’s Genius Natureopathic Quantum solution to Islamophobia.
2. Yale students demand that Economics professor rescind Final Exam; accuse him of Macro and Micro aggressions.
I see what you did there with #2!
“#LogicSoWhite: How privilege let Hume reject reports of miracles from oppressed voices”
“A doctor wanted to boost her ‘white’ blood cells. She had the perfect response.”
I guess only two are allowed, but I couldn’t help to write more. In that case, my picks are 2 & 3.
– – – – – – – – – – – –
1. Yes Means Yes: Why Obtaining Consent for Pranks is Important
Every year the same terror. April Fools Day makes millions anxious, who are subjected to potentially triggering situations without a warning and, worse, without having agreed beforehand to be pranked …
2. Ramadan is for Everyone, Genuis Ways How to Avoid Cultural Appropriation with Light Day-Eating
3. Priest fell into Blade of Person Tormented by Western Colonialism
4. White Terrorism is the Greatest Threat to Society since 9/12
5. How to PERFECTLY Boil Water in a Watercooker in 5 Simple Steps
6. [Video] Reza Alsan smashes racist stereotype that Muslims believe in Allah
7. Callous Free Speech Lecture Cancelled after Righteous Student Protest
8. Muslim killed by nearby bomb that claimed twenty other victims
9. New Trauma Center Opens for Female Victims of Domestic Violence on Twitter
10. You Opened the Fridge Wrong Your Whole Life: 6 Genius Ways How to Do it Right
11. [Video] Watch Republican Embarass Himself with Claim that Pope is Catholic
12. Racist Cartoonists Died After Having Provoked Ire from Muslim Minority
Bonus: Not HuffPo, and not from me, but in the general direction.
“Video games, movies and TV influence people – affecting their thoughts and behaviour. Not the religion they follow with great dedication tho” — Harmful Opinions (YT/Twitter)
And “Is Islamophobia Accelerating Global Warning”, an actual lecture with poster here.
Of your many, Aneris, this — “5. How to PERFECTLY Boil Water in a Watercooker in 5 Simple Steps” — is my favored !
A ‘delicious’ hoot !
Blue
Presumably non-gmo organic water…
Om’gawdess ! You likely, Ms Merilee, do not know just how freakin’ funny that ‘ne is !
I happen to work in a university’s only “sustainable agriculture” division — at where most there hold with gmo – stuffs as, well, bloody UNholy ! to say the very, very least !
.heh.heh.heh. !
Blue
🐸
Fox Shows Bias in Hillary Coverage
How Trump Will Destroy America
“A selfie-stick and an iPhone: how men over 40 are doing their own colonoscopies”.
Just realised I am supposed to submit two headlines. I am still thinking on my second…
My second headline:
“Is the IOC turning a blind eye to homeopathic drug cheats?”
I guess I am not done: cuz this one ? As myself the three – time ‘host’ of such an exact, frickin’ medically and “perfectly genius” procedure ?
.THIS. one wins !
Yours, Mr Price, takes this thread !
Blue
🙀😹
Lol!
Trump tries to bait Hillary into a pissing contest over who looks more presidential; supporters ecstatic over the sheer genius of this move.
#2: Trump drinks unpasteurized goats’ milk (from glass with a straw, no less!!!), in shameless attempt to woo Amish voters.
…tiny tweak to #2:
#2: Trump drinks unpasteurized goats’ milk (from glass with a straw, no less!!!), in shameless ploy to woo Hillary-hating Amish voters.
I can’t HuffPo worth a damn since I cannot brain today. But these headlines are great.
OUTRAGEOUS! Halliburton has started using genetically modified wheat gluten in its fracing operations.
Here’s how to make sure you get organic, fair trade, gmo-free stool for your next fecal transplant.
5 Reasons Why A Clitoridectomy May Actually Be Good For You According To Science.
and
Glenn Greenwald Sues For Blackmail After Anonymous Blogger Threatens To Expose Video Of Him Being A Professional Journalist.
“University Safe Spaces Made Unsafe Due to the Encroachment of Reasonable Responses to Freedom of Speech”
“Women: Are We Really Meant to “Have it All” or are We Just Being Selfish? *hint selfish”
Trump woos evangelicals with pledge to build a wall around heaven.
Templeton Foundation awards grant to study epigenetic effects of microaggessions in unsafe college classrooms.
Already have two up top, but here we go with another:
Ivy League university investigating after six students require medical treatment when safe space tainted with GMO containing, non-gluten free cookies made with processed sugar.
Hillary Clinton meets genius dog, Donald trump claims she used bacon to attract him
Tswift latest feud with ex: Pope weighs in
HARVARD THEOLOGY PROF SAYS, IF JESUS WERE ALIVE TODAY, HE WOULD MOST LIKELY BE A DEMOCRAT.
RECENT STUDY SHOWS THAT PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE IN SOMETHING LIVE LONGER.
New Toddler Diet to Teach Kids Diversity Before Kindergarten
Florida Town Dog Owners Organize Faith for Fido Walks
(I must say, this was far more difficult than I thought it would be. Not sure either are quite the zingers hoped for, but it was amusing.)
A third entry for fun:
Microaggressions: Top particle physicist hits bottom; students refuse to put up with strange charm that puts them down.
Deepak Chopra and Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi Just Wrote the Most Genius Book on spirituality!
Six Arguments that Destroy Atheism:
1. Materialism is boring
2. People who act intolerant are not actually religious
3. No Women or POC has ever been or will be an Atheist
4. All religions are the facet of the same deity so they are all true
5. Science is a religion itself
6. Gaia herself is a Goddess we live on making Atheism an absurd denial of everyone’s lived experience
One Fearless Midwife Explains Why She’s Standing Up For GMO-Labelling of Zika Vaccines
Combining These Two Ayurvedic Secrets Can Cure Your Cat’s Insomnia: Mindful Cupping
Mindful quantum cupping
Kitteh’s having none of it🙀
An awful thought: do male athletes get cupped where they wear cups?
I think even the most superstitious male athlete would avoid that
I wrote for the Huffington Post for two years, right out of Oberlin, worked my heart out, they paid me nothing, and now I’m supporting my worthless hipster boyfriend in Soho thanks to my trust fund.
Apologies if similar ones have been posted–I did skim the above, but may have missed some!
1. Scientists Discover Gluten-free Water!
2. Server Fired For Asking, ‘Would You Like Some Aged Ground Pepper?’
I reserve the right to declare that there is no winner if the headlines aren’t funny enough. – haha.
1. Everybody can write; we find paying writers in unquantifiable, unspendable exposure is the most fulfilling. For us.
2. Woman sues after cutting herself while passing through glass ceiling. Employee suing for damages and loss of earnings despite the metaphorical nature of the injuries.
The hallmark of lame bullshit is the difficulty of satirizing it.
“You’ve seen it at the Olympics, now try it in the bedroom: How couples are cupping to improve their intimacy.”
I’ll leave where they’re putting those cups to people far more creative than I.
And the inevitable follow up headline: Man may lose penis to “cupping” misadventure.
Or any number of other sensitive body parts.
These two celebrities have been cupping for months. You won’t believe who they are or what happens next! (Hint: bloodletting)
1) You got your organic free-trade chocolate in my maple-infused quinoa-almond butter: cultural appropriation de cuisine at Whole Foods Market.
2) Orange is the New Blech: Trump suggests that soylent green “not such a bad idea” for the nation’s prisons.
“Cupping Shown to Relieve Stress, Muscle Strain and Islamophobia”
“American Traveler Inconvenienced in Bloody Apolitical Suicide Bombing”
Or perhaps:
Fatwa Issued on Popular Muhammad-print Niqab
Milton Bradley Company Sued for Requiring Game of Life Players to Marry
1)
Author Alert! 7 Ways to Enhance Your Career Writing for The Huffington Post.
2)
What’s Really Behind Anti-Religionists’ Agenda to Discredit The Huffington Post?
Jennifer Aniston just ran 50 miles. First you’ll be shocked, then you’ll be inspired.
Huffington Post is changing…. And we think you’re going to love it.
I couldn’t decide is any of them were any good, so I did four:
1. Five Reasons Boris Johnson Could be Donald Trump’s Love Child
And you wanted the reasons if we used that device:
1. Physical appearance, especially the hair.
2. Both are pathological liars.
3. They’ll both do and say anything to win a campaign.
4. Both are determined to destroy their country’s economy with protectionist policies.
5. Johnson was born in New York.
2. Cultural Appropriation in Hollywood Restaurants Put Me at Risk of Anorexia: Taylor Swift Tells All
3. New Study Reveals Best Design For Safe Spaces
4. Using Sleep and Spirituality to Improve Quantum Wellbeing
“Is science racist? How the scientific method invalidates marginalized cultures that rely on oral tradition”
“It wasn’t Islam: Why [Insert most recent ISIS attacker here] was wrong about his own motives”
“How To Survive When One of Your Triggers is Trigger Alerts”
“Arianna Disappearing in a ‘PuffHo’ Smoke- Is JerCo Professor to Blame?”
Should be Trigger Warnings, sorry!
I can’t find the latest WEIT article on Huffington so I’ll put this here:
Ken Jennings tweeted that he just got it that Huffington Post is derived from Washington Post. Cute? Yes.
Also : how long are WEIT articles open for comment? I tried a real old one and there was no box to write in.