From Facebook, courtesy of a reader who probably doesn’t want to be named. But the Bible quote is accurate! Imagine if nonbelievers produced mock cups (or real ones with handwriting) like this, all sporting bizarre bits of scripture. I should have a contest. . .
I think you should have a contest…been a while since the last one….
b&
Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves.
Numbers 31:17-18
Kinda wordy for a cup. :p
Yeah…that was definitely on my short list….
b&
TLDR version : kill the ones with insufficient, or used, orifices. The ones with unused orifices you are free to use, because they can’t say how small your dick is because they have no comparison experience.
Further provocative and rude suggestions deleted. To save for future use.
” . . . and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him.”
I gather that they would hold down these poor souls and forcibly examine the(supposed absence of a) hymen in order to make that determination.
I’m glad it’s in the Bible so that it can be brought up and make preachers/theologians squirm.
The examination would, most probably, be conducted by use of that instrument which most often causes such an examination to fail. If the examiner does not like an examinee quite well enough to keep her, he probes deeply enough that he can honestly report she has been probed and found wanting — on the other, uh, hand, if he would like to take her home, he ends the examination before it would end her eligibility. (See, in this context, Deuteronomy 21:10-14.)
Actually, if you follow the bullshit about Mary’s history, they had the tradition of using experienced midwives to check for virginity.
But your version works if you’re short of midwives. Which most armies are – not a lot of call, I guess.
Oh, a new one.
Not on a cup – on an empty condom vending machine.
Well, the only thing you’ve got to fear is congenital syphilis or congenital AIDS. And it’s not like it’s important if the slave gets pregnant.
Too funny!! I can imagine Ben, and Ant, and others oiling their brains for the production of juicy pseudo-biblical quotes🐾🐾
Pseudo? The real deal is self-mocking.
Author David Fitzgerald, best known for his book “Nailed: Ten Christian Myths…” gave a presentation to the Atheist Community of San Jose (which I’m a member of) that included that bible verse. He titled the presentation “Sexy Violence, Violent Sex! The Weird-ass Morality of the Bible”. It was hilarious. You can find it here on the ACSJ YouTube channel.
I’ve seen this on Facebook too. You and I have three female Facebook friends in common, and it wasn’t Malgorzata, and the second proves above it wasn’t her. So …
1. What relevance does Ezekiel 23:20 have to anything?
2. Is that horse emission decaf?
The relevance is that xians are up in arms that there is nothing xian on the xmas cups. The punchline of the joke is “be careful what you wish for”.
Also, it points out that xianity is not the lily-white, G-rated Disney story xians think it is. That verse is a sentence right out of an erotic novel that you know xians would be clutching their pearls over if it wasn’t the babble.
I guess it would be organic, but is it gluten-free??
“orga(sm)ic”?
That verse about burying your poop when you go camping was actually good advice.
Yes, good advice. For those who don’t know it:
Yeah, bury your poop so God doesn’t step in it when he “walks” around in your camp.
Thou shalt buy thy poops like da kittehs.
Nevermind god. *I* don’t want to accidentally step in my poop later on that day.
I’m sure that’s what the priests were thinking when they put this down. “How can we get these uncouth hick/soldiers to stop leaving their crap all around the camp?” “Let’s tell them that God hates crap and they need to hide it”. It’s not hard to see priestly motivations behind a lot of the rules/things God commands.
There is a saying amongst geologists and botanists.
My best bit of mica – a 8cm book of muscovite – taught me the “piss” version of that.
But if G*d is supposed to be everywhere, all of the time, doesn’t that mean he’s also down there in the soil? Seems to me he’s going to find that poop unavoidable one way or the other! Lucky for him he’s just a fantasy!
Yeah. But I find it amusing that in the OT there are several instances where god is just like some strongman who walks around in your camp. The Eden story is like this too: “When the cool evening breezes were blowing, the man and his wife heard the YHWH god walking about in the garden…”. All of this history of how the God-character in the Bible changes over time from something like a human-wizard to some ineffable Ground of Being (the final transformation occurring post-Bible) is just another thing that the devout sweep under the rug. Most children growing up in a church notice, though… I sure did. “Whaaaa? God walks around in the garden… and makes noise, and doesn’t know where A&E are??? The text itself contradicts official church doctrine constantly, to say nothing of reality.
But metaphors solve every problem we have! 😀
Shaka, when the walls fell. 😀
The Bible talks crap on so many levels…
… although only one in this case.
I love this one.
But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?” (II Kings 18:27)
Damn. I was just about to post that one.
Now, THERE’S a picture I didn’t need running around in my head!
Here’s a verse which is less raunchy BUT (since it’s a quote from Jesus) is at least as relevant to the people who complain that Starbuck’s coffee-cups lack a public display of Christianity:
MATTHEW 6:1 “Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven.”
If it’s Jesus quotes…kinda hard to beat Luke 19:27 “But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me.”
b&
Well, if we’re going for out-of-context stuff, why not “Hate thine enemy” (Mt 5:43)?
Yes, I agree with sbh. Probably not the greatest example to use a quote with no context from a parable.
I like kategladstone’s example though!
Erm…I’m guessing neither of you have actually read the Bible, if you’re trying to suggest I’m distorting Jesus’s command in that verse.
Parable, yes. Obviously.
But Jesus is quoting the words of the King in the story who represents Jesus himself. And the parable is of Armageddon, when Jesus himself will return as the King does…and kill all those who would not that he should rule over them.
…and then, of course, just for good measure, infinitely torture them just after he’s killed them. That part isn’t in the parable…maybe you’re objecting that I’m being overly generous in my one-line portrait of Jesus, not showing him to be the mercilessly brutal over-the-top Torquemada-on-infinite-steroids character he is…?
b&
That’s actually my second favorite Bible verse, after Ecclesiastes 9:10: “Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might; for there is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, nor wisdom, in the grave, whither thou goest.”
Reminds me that there is (was?) an electric marine generator made by Onan Corp.
Two stroke or four stroke? 😉
Yes, I noticed the marine generator (in an ad) when I was eleven years old. I wrote to the firm, as I recall, asking why they’d picked the name. They never answered.
Onan was a family name.
Remarkably, the Onan business is now a subdivision of Cummins Inc.
LOL! You can’t make this stuff up!
Every once in a while you run into names that you can’t believe were never changed by the poor bearers.
I would love the idea of a contest. There are many among us who can do Photoshop, but even simple cut and pasted screen shots would be fun.
Although many (most?) of the best quotes have already been posted here…
Don’t forget the all-time classic, “Happy is the one who seizes your infants and dashes them against the rocks” (Psalm 137.9)
This banner should fly outside the National Prayer Breakfast:
“But you, when you pray, go into your inner room, close your door and pray to your Father who is in secret, and your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you.”
Mathew 6:6
Yes! I think the preamble makes for nice emphasis:
I always liked the part where the guy’s head got brought in on a platter. It was either Matthew or Mark (I had to translate it from Greek).
Probably more fitting for McDonalds than Starbucks!
How about a logo on the bottom of the cup referencing Faith vs. Fact, too? I’d love to have such a cup!
But if it is in the Bible it can’t be NSFW!
Does this quote imply that donkeys are better hung than horses but that horses have bigger balls? Not that I’m interested.
Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “flavor shot”.
Not if you’re Dr James David Manning. For background, see my post:
https://oddrops.wordpress.com/2015/08/10/critical-thinking/
Ah, yes.
Would you like cream with that?
Just leave room for cream. I brought my own.
Jesus has risen
Jesus has risen.
The caffeine helped.
I thought someone had added yeast to a communion wafer.
Not fair. How did this one escape my attention when I was in divinity school? What a shame. All that time learning Hebrew and Greek when I could have been memorizing ancient porn.
I never heard this in So. Baptist Sunday school. Certain not in the sanctuary.
(I heard the word “circumcision” uttered in the sanctuary, but didn’t know what it meant. Never asked. I somehow knew not to. Why would the male member be picked out for such a procedure? Because of its tendency to “stick out”?)
(Hitch: “When I determined that my God-given male member would give me no peace, I became determined to give it no rest.”)
I guess they churchly powers-that-were didn’t want to entertain any questions from us boys about the emissions of donkeys and horses.
Try talking about that in a K-12 public (or private) school classroom and see what happens.
Oddly appropriate, given the Starbucks logo…
“And [Elisha” went up from thence unto Bethel and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head, go up, thou bald head. And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.” (2 Kings:23-24)
Please tell me you’ve seen the incredibly hilarious video reenactment.
“When my beloved slipped his hand through the latch-hole,
my bowels stirred within me.
When I arose to open for my beloved,
my hands dripped with myrrh;
the liquid myrrh from my fingers
ran over the knobs of the bolt.”
– Song of Songs; 5, 4-5
Translation: New English Bible
Innuendo: Me
*you said inn-u-end-o* …snicker, snicker.
Say no more!
How about Deuteronomy 23, verse 1: “He that is wounded in the stones, or whose privy member is cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord”.
Genesis 19:4-8
And they called to Lot, “Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us, that we may know them.” Lot went out to the men at the entrance, shut the door after him, and said, “I beg you, my brothers, do not act so wickedly. Behold, I have two daughters who have not known any man. Let me bring them out to you, and do to them as you please.
Also the later verses where Lot’s daughters got him drunk and had sex with him.
Those were the days…
Almost seems like payback, doesn’t it?
the Bible (pronounced Buy Bull) is the most rated X book ever published and should be kept away from children.
I am glad the Ikea Catalog has actually surpassed it for most published book and in a rather relatively short time too, just a few decades of publication.
The Ikea catalog is more controversial than you might expect. Ikea have sold:
FEMMEN VAG (shower curtain)
FAGGOT (just a bundle of sticks)
MILF (desk lamp)
PYSSLINGAR (an entire line of products, all presumably with a similar odor)
And that’s without even getting into all the products with “FART” in them.
The most topical, however:
GODIS SKUM (marshmallow sheep)
Vikings are not shrinking violets or wallflowers typically. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXiOQX5CpZw
Umm, that video was about a collection of Elvis stuff…
on a lesvik ikea shelf.
Judges 1:8:
Den Judah’s peeps wen to Jeroosalem an pwnzed it. Dey maed messus and caut teh kitchenz on fier srsly.
[ http://lolcatbible.com/index.php?title=Judges_1 ]
Oh noes! I r cot!
It would be great to create a card deck with scripture from the old testament (perhaps Hearts?), Islam (Clubs?), Buddhism, Hindu, and perhaps minor religions (Spades?) – then secular (diamonds of course)- (Anthony Grayling’s book “the good book’ would be a good start).
The whole thing about there being a great cabal on the war on Christmas in the US is just so silly, it is fascinating that there are people who take it seriously. The song ‘Happy Holidays’ was first introduced by Bing Crosby in 1942… no one claimed that ‘Happy Holidays’ was somehow a great cabal to destroy the nation back then. Guess we were more concerned over an actual threat to democracy at that time.
Hmmmm. ‘Happy Holiday’ (otherwise known as ‘Happy Holidays’) was apparently the year after Bing introduced ‘White Christmas’ to the radio waves. And both were written approximately the previous year (’40 perhaps, and ’41) by a certain Israel Isidore Baline, who was an atheist. Time to spread the cheer of that little factoid at the next family Christmas party.
I just love Jewish atheists!
I don’t know why Jerry thought I’d be reluctant to be named as sending him that very funny image. Maybe an excess of caution. I stand by everything I post or email, with my real name. That’s the way I think it should be.
My mind went immediately to a certain scene in “American Pie 2” (involving beer not coffee). I still need to get to my local SB and ask them to write Winter Solstice on my cup.
How about Antipodean Summer Solstice?
“And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, ‘O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.’ And the Lord did grin.”
Book of Armaments, 2:9-11.
The ultimate Bible verses to put on Starbuck’s cups, of course, are the ones that denounce decorated trees as wobbly, worthless idols. JEREMIAH 10:3-5 — “3 For the practices of the peoples are worthless;
they cut a tree out of the forest,
and a craftsman shapes it with his chisel.
4 They adorn it with silver and gold;
they fasten it with hammer and nails
so it will not totter.
5 Like a scarecrow in a cucumber field,
their idols cannot speak;
they must be carried
because they cannot walk.
Do not fear them;
they can do no harm
nor can they do any good.””
That goes on the grande
If you use just 10:3-5, it can fit on all the sizes.
I prefer the King James version myself – slightly less graphic, but more swelteringly lyrical: “For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses.” It also gives me no small pleasure to imagine the embarrassment of some of the more prudish scholars translating passages like this.
Here’s a cheery one for the holidays!
“If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple.”
Luke 14:26