42 thoughts on “Best sightings of Jesus and Mary in 2011

  1. AREA 51, Roswell, Sunday (UNN) — A tortilla has been found bearing an image in the shape of the face of Richard Dawkins.

    Atheists from around the world have united in claiming this as an important sign. “It’s a sign of pareidolia, which is what it’s called when you see faces in random things — clouds, the moon, Mars, tortillas. Truly, this is a miraculously improbable confluence of random chance.”

    Over 35,000 atheists and sceptics have flocked to the town, bringing photographs of sick loved ones so that the image of Professor Dawkins may have no scientifically detectable effect upon them. Atheist irreligious nonservices have been packed out with people coming together to fail to worship a lack of God. Sales are at an all-time high of “WWDD” bracelets (“What Would Dawkins Do?”), which atheists look at when confronted by superstition and irrationality. (The usual answer is “Lalla Ward.”)

    Agnostic apparitions are most often associated with skeptical tradition, wherein there is a special emphasis on tangible examples and replicable proof. Today, scientists are usually quick to dismiss such images, one physicist wisely attributing them to “prosaic imagination.” However, they remain intensely popular among the practical faithless, as evidence of the cosmic rule that “stuff just happens.”

    Plans to sell the tortilla on eBay have unfortunately been delayed after it was eaten by a particularly religious poodle. After its emergence, the face on the tortilla now resembles Andrew Schlafly.


    1. Now I cannot stop seeing the “Le Zouave”, the Zig-Zag mascot.

      Perhaps it’s time for me to lay off that stuff.

    1. Really, really lousy penmanship. Don’t these morons realize how they demean their “god” by this kind of stupidity? They claim perfection, omnipotence, and omniscience, but “god” can’t do calligraphy with precision, match the penmanship of that girl in first grade who wrote so much neater than the rest of us (remember her? what was her name…), or even aim a tornado with an accuracy less than the width of a continent. That’s really what these imbeciles are saying. “God’s as dumb as me! Look! Look!!”

      Of course, the dimwit with the pareidoliac varicosities now thinks she is blessed. She is soaring on an ego high of being so preferentially singled out.

      What authoritay! Its like Cartman as Hall Monitor.

  2. Why didn’t god bend a few photons and write it on the moon? Surely that’s easier than altering thousands of molecules in one woman’s veins – and a hell of a lot more convincing!

  3. I see the hand of God in this recent news. And there’s Baal stirring things up in the background.
    Mohammed is on the right, rolling in the aisles (literally) helpless with mirth.
    And looming over it all, in the roiling clouds of dust, I see the face of Dawkins, struggling to keep a straight face.

    Rival Clerics In Brawl At Jesus’ Birthplace

    I couldn’t make it up. Maybe someone else could make it up. Perhaps it’s a spoof.
    I’m sorry, but I just HAVE to go and have a shot of Tanzanian fire-water after seeing that!

  4. Burnt toast like Jesus and mango slice like Mary…. I never understood these things.

    What if dog $hit looks like Jesus? Will they post that picture too?

    1. Indeed! What could be more holy? Out of the mouths of babes and, by parallel inversion, out of the reverse of doG.

      yloH! yloH! yloH!
      yloH ‘hoo?
      yloH ‘im!

      doG si gib! Oh, so gib!

  5. This is great! Now I have a few more silly swear phrases to add to my lexicon.

    Christ on a croissant…

    Mary in a mango…

  6. Hey, so’s you know, Jesus can be found all over Arizona. The closest one runs a landscaping business, and his wife, Maria, makes awesome tamales. And they’re quite proud of their oldest son, Juan — not only is he the first in their family to go to college, but he’s doing it on a full ride Regent’s scholarship at ASU!



    1. Ah! You’re right! Biffa Bacon’s mum – broken nose and all! Does this mean that ‘Viz’ is the Bible? The Gospel according to Finbarr Saunders…

          1. I don’t know if ‘Viz’ made it across to the States. I never really noticed the anti-clericalism in the comic, mainly because it’s nearly all brilliant. Chris Donald, its creator, criminally under-rated.

            Check it out, Americans, if you can; it’s a hoot.

  7. The Virgin seems to have aged and have a small goatee? The word god, really, looks more like goo to me if anything.

  8. That is the Virgin Mary alright. But I don’t for one second believe that it is a dried piece of mango. Where’s the evidence for that, hmmmmm?

  9. Actually, the mango slice looks like a Jewish man praying Schahrist (morning prayers) and wearing tfellin and a tallis over his head.

  10. Not really related but this reminds me of the lady who was on the Tonight Show with her potato chip collection. Johnny was admiring the “Elvis” chip and when the lady looked away he reached under his desk where he had a dish of potato chips and popped one in his mouth so it appeared he had eaten the Elvis chip. The look on the lady’s face was priceless. I’m sure the video is on Youtube somewhere.

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