This account is from the LOLCat Bible, Luke 23:
1 Evribodi gotted up an taeked him to Pilate. 2 An dey wuz all “Diz d00d iz makin trubl, interferin wif teh IRS. He evn sez hez a king LOL.”
3 So Pilate wuz liek, “Iz u teh king of teh Jooz?”
Jesus wuz liek “Yep, srsly.”
4 Den Pilate wuz liek “Datz not illegl LOL. No wai.”
5 But evriwun wuz all “He haz ben makin trubl all ovr Judea, startin in Galilee.”
6 Pilate wuz “O RLY? Hez from Galilee?7 Dat maekz him Herod’s problim LOL.” So he sended Jesus 2 Herod on teh monorail cat.
8 Herod wuz happi, bcz he had hearded about Jesus an thot he wud do sum trickz 9 He askted him lotz of kweschnz but Jesus didint sai nothin. 10 All kineds of peeplz wuz dere insultin him. 11 Herod an hiz soljrz insulted him too. Dey putted niece clothes on him an sended him back to Pilate. 12 Herod an Pilate wuz not palz bfor, but aftr dat dey maed frendz.
13 Pilate maed evribodi get togethr, 14 an he wuz all “U sez dis d00d iz causin trubl but I cant find no proofz. 15 An Herod cant eithr. I no canz giv him teh deth penlti for doin nothin LOL. 16 So I wil jus taek hiz cookies awai an let him go.”
17 Now u needz to undrstand dat dere wuz a big parti comin up, an at dis parti, Pilate had to let wun of teh priznrz go. 18Evribodi wuz all, “We can haz Barabbas now?” 19 Barabbas wuz a murdrer an he startid a riot too.
20 Pilate wantid to let Jesus go insted so he wuz liek “Iz u sure?”21 But evribodi wuz all “Kill him wif teh cross!”
22 So Pilate wuz liek “OK thrd tiem. What did dis d00d do rong enniwai? He duzint dezrv teh deth penalti. So i will just taek hiz cookies an let him go hoem k.”
23 But evribodi wuz all “CROSS NOW” 24 so Pilate sed “k.” 25 He let teh othr d00d go an gaev Jesus to teh pplz.
Teh Cross
26 Whiel dey wuz draggin him awai dey seed Simon from Cyrene an maed him carri teh cross. 27 Lotz of peepl wuz dere, includin sum ladiez who wuz cryin.28 Jesus wuz liek “U shudnt crai for me. U shud crai for urselvz an ur kittnz. 29 Bcz teh tiem wil com when u wil wish u nevr hadded eni kittnz at all. 30 Den” ‘u will be liek Mountinz, fall on us!” an hillz, covr us!” ‘ 31 If peepl do dis when there is cheezeburger, what thei do when thei can no has cheezeburger?”
32 Two othr d00dz wuz dere to be eksekutid. Dey wuz criminalz k. 33 Dey caem to dis plaec called teh Skull (rock!) an crucified Jesus betwin teh criminalz. 34 Jesus sed, “Ceiling Cat, forgiv dem, dey duzint know what dey iz doin.” An teh guardz playd diec to desied who got Jesus’s yarnz.
35 Evribodi maed fun of Jesus. Dey wuz liek “If he is Ceiling Cat’s son he shud saev hizself.”
36 Teh soljrz wuz liek “LOL” an gaev him vinigar to drink. 37 Dey wuz liek “If u iz teh king of teh Jews, saev urself.”
38 An dey putted a sien on him dat sed KING OF TEH J00Z LOL.
39 Wun of teh criminalz wuz bein all rude.
40 But teh othr wun wuz liek “Izint u afraid of Ceiling Cat? U gotted teh deth penalti too, remembr. 41 We dizrv it, but Jesus didint do ennithin rong.”
42 Den he wuz liek, “Jesus, remembr me when u getz bak to ur kingdm.”
43 Jesus wuz liek “Todai u wil be wif me in ceiling.”
Jesus Diez 🙁
44 It wuz around six an it gotted dark for three hourz, 45 bcz teh sun stoppted shinin. An teh curten in teh templ wuz torn in half. Dat wuz a mirakl, no wun wuz sharpnin dere clawz on it or nothin, srsly. 46 Jesus wuz all “Ceiling Cat, I sendz mai spirit to u.” An den he died. Was ver sad, I creid 🙁
47 Roman kitteh see whut happin, say 2 Ceiling Cat “Jesus good kitteh, not should die D:” 48 Teh ppl that saw gotted sad. Dey rode away wif invisible bike. 49 Peeple taht knew Jesus (teh wummenz too, lol) from Galilee, dey staid ‘n’ wached.
Jesus iz burid
50 Honurable man is honorrble, he name Joseph .51 When Cross happn he say “DO NOT WANT.” Josph from Arimthtehea, he wantid Ceiling Cat 2 come.52 He say to Pilate, “I taik Jesus’ body, kk?” 53 He take down & wrap it in soft yarn and placed it in cave, whut was emptyt. 54 Yay, verily, it was Caturday.
55 Teh wummenz what came wif Jesus from Galilee followeded Joseph saw tomb & yarn & body of Jesus. 56 Dey go home and make nice Cheezburger. But dey rested on teh caturday ‘cuz Ceiling Cat liek dat.
Most amusing 🙂 I particularly liked
[Jesus wuz liek “Yep, srsly.”]
If a version of the bible written in this fashion would attract young believers, I wonder if the church would adopt it as a special edition? 🙂
Ask and ye shall receive:
http://www.lolcatbible.com/
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1569757348?ie=UTF8&tag=lobi-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1569757348
Cheers,
b&
Hilar…
Way up high, in the sky, we can all haz raisins.
Bart Ehrman writes brilliantly on this subject. The writers of gospels (Luke included but mostly John) ha an agenda: in order to be recognized by the empire as a legitimate religion, they were trying to depict the representative of the state (Pilate) as the one who did not find Jesus guilty. As such, he was not an executed convict, rather the victim of the impious Jews. Exoneration of Pilate had to come at the price of incrimination of Jews; hence, the extremely deep roots of christian antisemitism.
Hee! This delights me to no end. I find this bit particularly lolzy:
Also:
Lolz!
And look closely at the kitteh’s face in that picture. Good times 🙂
OMG–did not notice the cat in the picture. Yea, and verily, she did LOL long in the land…
Is that Aramaic?
Kitteh-maic
I wonder if research in purr-neme diversity would reveal that kitteh (kitteh-ish? kittish?) only originated once, likely in Asia?
I would have totally gone to see The Passion of the Christ if it had been made in LOLspeak instead of Aramaic
With your eyes shut?
Yeah, I watched some clips from that last night in a documentary. Pure torture porn, and disgusting.
I don’t think even LOLcat subtitles would help much.
Yea, vrly there wuz a schnag, more lik a Kink …
I laf to piddl teh yarns.
This is deeply embarrassing, because I’m a former Christian apologist with a biblical studies degree who has for well over a decade now fancied myself quite the hard-assed atheist–but I found this kind of touching. Maybe that’s what the Gospel stories really needed…mo kittehs.
An entertaining way to check the level of my English. Yes, I knew the story, but I’m proud of myself anyway.
I’m not inordinately fond of this brand of humor, but
Truly, a merry jest, and right prettily executed. Mayhap ’tis not express’d in the manner to which we are accustomed, and we do confess there is much therein that did at first perplex (though we doubt not ’tis most meet unto the times); yet withal we did laugh aloud and our jerkin did split, even as ’twere with excess of delight. For when the light of comprehension did at last illumine our dull wit we did perceive that in sooth ’tis most excellent well carried forth.
“Pilate wuz “O RLY? Hez from Galilee?7 Dat maekz him Herod’s problim LOL.” So he sended Jesus 2 Herod on teh monorail cat.”
“Dat wuz a mirakl, no wun wuz sharpnin dere clawz on it or nothin, srsly.”
“Teh ppl that saw gotted sad. Dey rode away wif invisible bike. 49 Peeple taht knew Jesus (teh wummenz too, lol) from Galilee, dey staid ‘n’ wached.”
“Dey go home and make nice Cheezburger. But dey rested on teh caturday ‘cuz Ceiling Cat liek dat.”
Let these words remain forever engraven upon our heart. The Bounteous Feline grant thee more power unto thine authour’s elbow.
Well and truly said, sir!
So long as we’re in the celebratin’ mood, I somehow think it would be remiss of me to not direct y’all’s attention here:
http://nogodsallowed.wordpress.com/2011/04/21/the-most-overlooked-part-of-the-easter-narrative/
as the Poopyheaded Zquidlover recently did.
Yes, I’m jealous that I didn’t write that first….
Cheers,
b&
Yeah, but–we know you were his inspiration, Ben 🙂
At least your jealousy isn’t misplaced; that was hilarious.
Sumwun haz dun de hole baibel into Lolcat? Sumwun haz 2 much taim on deyz hanz.
My problem with LOLspeak is that I believe that if cats could talk and write they would do so in a manner reminescent of the Queen of England, and with perfect spelling and grammar. Dogs, on the other hand, would speak just like this!
iz no Cats hoo spik lik dis – iz Kittehs
wen Kittehs r growd up Cats dai spik lik Kriztofar Hichchnz
Or Tobermory.
When I read, in Terry Pratchett, about “The Ring of the Nibelungingung” I had hysterics for at least three days. This sentence of Jerry’s threatens to have the same effect. “Dat wuz a mirakl, no wun wuz sharpnin dere clawz on it or nothin, srsly.” It’s just perfect.
You are quite definitely going to hell for this… to be tortured for eternity by kittehs with flaming eyes and yard-long claws while Ceiling Cat looks on approvingly as you yowl… It was so blasphemous that I could barely get through it without having an apopleptic fit and having got through it I had to remove myself from the computer and breathe slowly to calm myself down. I recommend sending it to, among others, the Pope and Fred Phelps: it might result in a few real apopleptic fits among the right people. I am very surprised to see that Nick Matzke hasn’t commented yet about your gnastiness.
That should of course have read, in the case of Ratzi & Phelps (now that sounds not so much like a delicatessen as in the case of Matzke & Dunkelberger as like the name of a particularly nasty two-man gang)’apocalyptic fits’ rather than ‘apopleptic fits’; religious physiologies tend o be a bit different.
“Herod wuz happi, bcz he had hearded about Jesus an thot he wud do sum trickz”
So Herod sez
“Prove to me that you’re no fool
Walk across my swimming pool”
(from Jesus Christ Superstar)
I love that song!
Two people gave that song a “like”. I was one of them!
Just read this to my kids. Lovedz it!
A kitteh named “Luke”? Srsly?
“Luke, I am your Tom.”
Literally, I am laughing so hard I can barely breathe. 🙂
Your obsession with cats is cause for serious concern…
Says a dog lover…
I agree with Greg Peterson #9. It says something for the power of the story, just as a story, that it survives even this.
I understand that better than the King James Version.
Very funny. Much better than the “other” book.
Add to that…”Prove to me that you’re Divine, turn my water into wine…”
More from “Jesus Christ Superstar”, one play that made the transition from stage to movie and was still good. Maybe because of the music.