Science jokes

December 29, 2013 • 2:30 am

by Matthew Cobb

It’s Sunday all over the world and many of us are not at work. So here are some rib-ticklers to ease your way towards Monday. Today’s edition of The Observer (the world’s longest-running Sunday newspaper, now basically the Sunday edition of The Guardian) has a long feature in which scientists are invited to tell their jokes. Some of them are quite droll, and there’s a long comments section on the website in which readers have chipped in with their own.

The jokes are generally a mixture of the overly-complicated and downright awful puns, but which still might raise a smile. Among my favourites are:

• What does the ‘B’ in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Benoit B Mandelbrot. (Adam Rutherford)

• Psychiatrist to patient: “Don’t worry. You’re not deluded. You only think you are.” (Uta Frith)

• Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender says “Do you all want something to drink?”
The first logician says “I don’t know.”
The second logician says “I don’t know.”
The third logician says “Yes.” (reader mbooth)

• I have CDO, it’s the exact same as OCD, except the letters are ordered alphabetically. (reader FelixDK)

• Q: Why was 6 scared of 7?  A: Because 7 8 9. (reader RealDealBillMcNeill)

• Two friends go on a safari. They are attacked by a lion. One of the guys kneels down and starts putting on this Nikes. His friend asks: “What?! You think you can outrun a lion with those?” The other replies: “No, I only have to outrun you.” (reader ShimaSol)

• When I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium had hooked up, I was like “OMg!”(reader mc1ronny)

In the comments there are also a number of variants on a Heisenberg joke. Now at the risk of falling into reader theDavibob’s trap (“Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. You understand it better, but the frog dies.”), which of these versions is the best, and why?

1) Police officer: excuse Mr Heisenberg, do you know what speed you were doing? Hesienberg: No. But I know where I am.

2) Werner Heisenberg was stopped by the police for speeding. The policeman asked Heisenberg if he knew how fast he was going. “No,” says Heisenburg, “but I do know exactly where I was.”

3) Heisenberg and Schrödinger are out for a drive when they get stopped by the police. The policeman asks Heisenberg “Sir, do you know how fast you were going?” and Heisenberg says “No, but I know where I am!”. Confused, the officer says “Sir, you were doing 80 mph”, and Heisenberg throws his hands in the air and huffs “Great, now I don’t know where I am anymore!”. The policeman thinks something is going on, and orders the pair out of the car so that he can search it for contraband. He looks under the seats, in the glove compartment, in the back, and then walks around the car and opens the boot. He stares into it for a moment, turns to Schrödinger and says “Sir, did you know there’s a dead cat in here?!”, so Schrödinger rolls his eyes and snorts “Yeah, we do now!”.

Now post your own favourite science joke!

Christian reader: the Bible predicts black holes

December 28, 2013 • 2:03 pm

Oh dear; I have received another bizarre email from a Christian. Since I’m too tired to think, I’ll just put it up for your delectation. It’s in reference to the plaque from a donor of the Los Angeles County Natural History Museum that referred to animals as “creatures of God.” Some of us found that unseemly in a publicly-run museum, made a bit of a fuss, and the plaque was removed. This, of course, peeved the faithful, one of whom wrote me.

Dear Mr. Coyne:

As a Christian, I find it interesting that a person in Chicago would care about a plaque in Los Angeles.  However, that is your right, just as it is your right to NOT believe in God.  I fully support that right and you will probably hold that belief until you die.  I pray you don’t, but probably will.  It is at the time of death that you will no longer be an atheist as you will get the chance to meet God.  You see, God doesn’t believe in atheists!

You made the comment in the article I read that “… I needn’t remind you that science is done by ignoring God, and has never given the slightest bit of evidence for the intercession of God in the origin, evolution, and diversification of life.”  I find that very strange since science is continually proving the Bible to be true!

Do some research.  I challenge you to read Job 26:7.  Scientists have since CONFIRMED there are Black Holes in space.

Thank you for taking the time to read my message.

God bless you.

[Name redacted]
Indianapolis, Indiana

I accepted the reader’s challenge and read Job 26:7. Here it is in context from the King James Bible (I put verse 7 in bold):

5 “The dead tremble,
Those under the waters and those inhabiting them.
6 Sheol is naked before Him,
And Destruction has no covering.
7 He stretches out the north over empty space;
He hangs the earth on nothing.
8 He binds up the water in His thick clouds,
Yet the clouds are not broken under it.
9 He covers the face of His throne,
And spreads His cloud over it.

One would think, if that verse supposedly describes black holes, that a). God would be a bit more explicit, and b). The reader would do a bit of research on what black holes actually are, and how the Earth can’t possibly be construed to hang on one.

Muslims who are accommodationists—yes, there are some—also find such specious correspondences between verses in the Qur’an and the discoveries of modern science. You can see a particularly amusing collection here.

Saturday: Hili dialogue

December 28, 2013 • 1:01 pm

I have made it to Poland after a long and exhausting trip.

The good news is that the weather is great (50 F and sunny) and I’m with my good friends, These include Malgorzata, Andrzej, and their boss, the editor-in-chief, who is showing a decidedly domineering attitude towards her staff:

Hili: This should be moved further down.
A: Hili, you are disturbing me.
Hili: On the contrary, I’m inspiring you.

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In Polish:
Hili: Trzeba to przesunąć na dalszą pozycję.
Ja: Hili, przeszkadzasz.
Hili: Przeciwnie, inspiruję.

John M. Templeton– contrarian?

December 28, 2013 • 6:49 am

by Greg Mayer

Just what the world needs: a hagiographic film on John M. Templeton! According to Neil Genzlinger of the New York Times, there’s a new film about Templeton, Contrarian; it will be shown in the US tonight (Saturday, Dec. 28) at 9 PM eastern time on Bloomberg TV (it aired the past two nights as well). Templeton, of course, was the very wealthy investor who spent a lot of his money on a quixotic quest to answer “big questions”, which mostly devolved into an attempt to promote “discoveries” in religion, and to mix-up science with theology. The film appears to be “authorized”, with several family members participating, and his foundation’s logo accompanying the publicity materials.

The title seems rather odd. While a lot of money is lost on Wall Street, a lot of money is also made there, so Templeton does not stand out because he got rich. Is it because of how he got rich? Well, everyone who beats the average market performance did something different from most other investors, so that hardly qualifies.  Spending a lot of money supporting his religion and advocating “free enterprise” is utterly conventional for rich men. As a Presbyterian, his religion is also completely mainstream.

The most distinctive and contrarian thing about Templeton is not mentioned in any of the publicity materials (website, trailer) that I’ve seen: that he renounced his American citizenship in order to avoid paying taxes. Templeton moved to the Bahamas, and obtained UK citizenship as well, so that he could avoid paying taxes to the US. In the trailer, it is said that he was, “very conscious of not wasting a dollar”, so I suppose Templeton thought taxes were a waste (taking a rather different view of the matter than did Oliver Wendell Holmes).

Not only do the filmmakers and the promoters leave this fact out, the promotional materials are rich with bucolic scenes of the  American heartland, emphasize his rural upbringing, and they’ve even named their website “tennesseecontrarian.com”– a rather astonishing point of emphasis about a man who renounced his citizenship! (And we’re of course not talking about an immigrant who leaves his homeland seeking opportunity or liberty– he had both, but thought he could  better his rate of return.)

It’s interesting that the film is being shown on Bloomberg TV, owned (mostly) by New York’s soon to be ex-mayor, Michael Bloomberg. Bloomberg, like Templeton, bought a residence in a tax haven, but because of his political ambitions, Bloomberg could never have renounced his US citizenship as Templeton did.

Caturday felid: Isaiah’s prophecy fulfilled

December 28, 2013 • 6:12 am

Here’s Greg Pike and his trio of amiable animals (Booger, Kitty, and Mousey; guess which is which) in Santa Barbara, California. It’s pretty amazing, especially the rat. Rats don’t live that long, so I wonder if he has to replace the rodent from time to time.

The University of California, Santa Barbara student paper gives some details, of which here are just a few (the quotes are from Pike):

“The dog raised the cat — I used her gestatation period to raise the cat like a puppy. She chose Kitty from the litter, so she thinks it’s her baby.” The cat was then raised around all sorts of small animals, and treats the rat as if it were its own sibling. With the rat, “it’s all about food.” Rats, it turns out, are very open to interspecies pairing, as long as they aren’t threatened and are properly taken care of. While it seems odd for the cat and rat to be stacked on top of the dog, Pike explains that it is the animals “safety zone”: It is where the cat and rat feel most at home and protected by their surrogate mother. Of course, it also helps Pike and his pals walk around a little faster, as well as avoid possible rat or cat tripping incidents.

Pike maintains that this trio says that all animals can get along together if raised properly, but I doubt that would work with a killer whale and a penguin!

~

The Father, Son, and the Holy Toast

December 27, 2013 • 3:34 pm

Okay gang, I’m off to Poland, but you haven’t heard the last from Professor Ceiling Cat. I leave you with what may be the ideal belated Christmas gift.

If you were the only person who had this, you’d make a fortune on eBay. But they are real, and for only $35 you can have one, too!

From Amazon:

Picture 1Here’s one in action (but do you dare to nom the Savior?):

Naturally the Amazonites have had a field day in the comments, e.g.:

Picture 2

h/t: P

EagleCam!

December 27, 2013 • 12:56 pm

Reader Amy has clued me in to the Southwest Florida Eagle cam (click on one of the two cameras at the bottom, or choose a split screen), which has a parent and two newly-hatched chicks.

The eagles are called Ozzie and Harriet, and have been nesting in this same spot for seven years (site information starts here).  Over that time, they’ve laid nine eggs and fledged 7 chicks, with the two newest ones not counted; so things look propitious. This will be a cam to watch over the next several weeks.

Amy also enclosed a YouTube video of the chicks being fed by Ozzie for the first time yesterday, along with her note:

I guess it’s breeding season all year long in Florida!  Teensy top-heavy babies [JAC: “eaglets” for our petulant reader] getting a meal from dad.
This is my favorite stage of eagle baby-raising.  The parents are some of the strongest birds alive but they are so gentle and precise when feeding their little nestlings.  And they lie on top of them without hurting them!