Over the years I’ve posted several of what I call “Coyne’s Rules for Life”, giving advice that I’ve learned can be useful. Here are two I remember (I haven’t written the list down anywhere):
- When taking a shower or running a bath, turn the cold water on first and only then the hot water, adding the hot to the cold until the desirable temperature is reached. This prevents you from burning yourself.
- When buttoning your shirt, start from the bottom up. This makes it much easier to avoid mis-buttoning, which can be time-consuming to rectify.
1.) Most people think that they’re a little bit crazy (in a good way). What I mean is that everybody thinks that they have one or more lovable eccentricities or peccadillos. Nobody wants to think they’re normal and boring, which is why people have this self image. My observation is that the “eccentricities” that people think make them adorable are often either mundane or seriously disturbing. If you want an example of someone who reveals an adorable craziness on a regular basis, I give you Sarah Silverman.
2.) Most people think they have a good sense of humor. Again, humor is a much appreciated characteristic in people—just look at the personals ads, which show you that everyone wants someone like that. People without a sense of humor are seen as mundane, serious, solemn, or even dour—in other words, people who are no fun to be with. However, most people do not have a good sense of humor. They may have a sense of humor in that they try to makes jokes or they laugh at other people’s jokes, but they’re not people who make you laugh regularly. The apogee of a good sense of humor is seen in people like Robin Williams.
3.) Nearly everyone thinks they’re a nice person. In other words, nobody thinks they’re a bad person, a jerk, or an asshole. How often have you heard somebody say, “You know—I’m a real jerk” and mean that. they are a real jerk pretty much all the time? (Larry David plays a real jerk on “Curb Your Enthusiasm.”)
Of course nearly everyone is capable of being nice or a jerk on occasion, but I’m talking about real jerks—the people you avoid being around because they’re constantly annoying. Because almost nobody thinks they’re a jerk but observation shows that the world has plenty of jerks, we are forced to conclude that there’s a lot of self-deception going on. (See Robert Trivers’s book The Folly of Fools for more examples.)
Needless to say, I fancy myself falling in all three categories, but is it true? Who knows? That’s why I’m prone to introspection about my interactions with others and tend to beat myself up if I think I’ve acted badly.
Please add other “rules of life” if you have some.
Congrats! You have invented social psychology!
Reminds me of The Onion headline following the passing of Gloria Steinem: Researcher who Discovered the Existence of Women Dies at 92.
And social psych is a good thing? IMO it tends to attract researchers who enjoy deceiving people. I suppose that does keep them off the streets.
No. Sarcasm was directed at social psychology, not Jerry — folk psychology + theatrical experiments (obedience to authority; Stanford Prison) directed by self-described “swashbuckling” impresarios of the academy. I’m a cognitive psychologist (thinking & reasoning; history of psych books: Fundamentals of Cognitive Science; A Critical History of Psychology).
My rule of life: If it doesn’t hurt another person, an animal, or the environment, it’s nobody’s business.
These days, damn near anything someone doesn’t like or approve of can be considered a harm. Open season for moralistic busybodies. “But think of the children.”
All good rules.
My late friend, the statistician I.J. Good (1916-2009, a.k.a. Jack Good and/or Irving John Good),* once told me that his rule for speaking out on a subject—particularly if for purposes of criticism—is first to step back and ask yourself three things:
Is it true.
It it kind.
Is it wise.
I think of this rule quite often.
*His given name was Isadore Jacob Gudak. His father, Moshe Oved (a pen name), was a famous Yiddish writer and a Jeweler in London.
This reminds me of a joke which I can’t resist telling.
A man approaches Socrates and says, excitedly, “Socrates!Socrates! I have something to tell you.” Socrates raises his hand and says “Before you tell me, does it pass the three-pronged test?” “I don’t know,” the man replies. “Well,” says Socrates “is what you are going to tell me true?” “I don’t really know,” admits the man. “OK” says Socrates “is it good?” “Not really,” the man says. “Well, is it helpful?” Socrates asks. “Not especially,” the man admits. “So,” says Socrates “you want to tell me something that isn’t good, isn’t helpful and may not even be true. Why would I want to hear that?” And the man hung his head and slunk away. And that is why Socrates is regarded as a great philosopher; it’s also why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife!
This may be where Jack sourced his three rules. Except for the punchline, of course. 🙂
Great to hear you mention Jack Good, someone whose work I admire! Edwin Jaynes (physicist, statistician, brilliant writer) once said that if you think of a great new idea in statistics, never claim it as your own, always attribute it to Jack Good. Whatever you were thinking of, it is likely to be mentioned somewhere in Good’s huge body of work.
When we were both at Virginia Tech, my wife and I had dinner with him almost every weekend. He was as kind as he was brilliant.
BTW. He’s the person behind the idea that a super intelligent computer could trigger an “intelligence explosion” and runaway general intelligence—an intelligence singularity even. See his “Speculations Concerning the First Ultraintelligent Machine.” He was full of ideas even at an advanced age.
1963 ! Thank you very much for the reference.
Don’t take stuff personally that’s not intended personally.
A Stoic principle is that happiness, sadness, anger, gratitude, and even joy and suffering, aren’t external facts, but choices. As a prison volunteer I’ve met people who are grateful for being in prison.
Everyone wants to be liked and respected. If they act in a way that would normally be considered contrary to that principle (the entirety of the Trump administration…), they’re still trying, but their thinking has become disordered. So I try to have a little compassion when people behave like jerks. They’re doing their best but the best isn’t very good.
Anger and violence are rooted in fear, if only fear of losing face. A display of aggression is a display of weakness.
Related to being liked and respected, I have recently noticed that I make my biggest, dumbest mistakes whenever I am trying to impress someone (including myself).
Or maybe you just notice those ones more. 🙂
Sadly I have a shower control lever with only a single degree of freedom. As you rotate it, it starts out delivering a thin trickle of cold water, then increases the flow, then changes the temperature thru warm and up to hot.
Be on time.
Never buy a purse that costs more than the money you’ll be carrying in it.
Sample new things.
I have three:
Never change your plans based on a weather forecast.
Never take the Eisenhower (Chicago expressway) if you can avoid it.
Never argue with someone who has the power of arrest.
The moment you leave your desk the phone rings!
“Nobody wants to think they’re normal and boring, which is why people have this self image. My observation is that the “eccentricities” that people think make them adorable are often either mundane or seriously disturbing…”
Excellent observation!
The few people around me that are actually interesting are people who have, through a combination of hard work and talent, achieved a high level of skill or have produced something tangible. I have a friend who learned to play an instrument and now plays in a band, and another that grew a side gig into a real business. This is so much more interesting than the guy who has 500 Star Wars figurines or who can fill entire conversations with quotes from the Simpsons.
Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure I’m UNlovably crazy, I just have a WEIRD sense of humor, and I don’t think I’m a nice or even good person. I don’t know what other people think, though (though many have definitely called me weird).
–Never pack a bag you can’t lift; never carry-on a bag you can’t lift over your head.
–Today is the day you’ll want two weeks from now.
–Everyone plays their own game (a rule for gamers)
A rule, but also the family motto: “No Guilt”.
Nelson Algren’s Three rules:
1. Never play cards with a man called Doc.
2. Never eat at a place called Mom’s.
3. Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than you own.
James Thurber added: Never answer the phone if it rings before breakfast.
My coworkers call me “Doc”, and believe me, I’m not great at any card games, though I do like Euchre.
Here is a mixture of advice and wise sayings, which I collect.
You don’t notice your progress in life because you are always raising the bar.
Are you listening or are you just waiting for your turn to speak?
The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.
If you wouldn’t take advice from a person, you shouldn’t accept their criticism.
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Most anything worth doing is worth doing to excess.
I’ll add two quotes which, as I recall, are both from William Blake:
“The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom.” And:
“You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.”
Others can check if I’ve remembered correctly.
Yes, but bear in mind they are from “The Proverbs of Hell” so are not being entirely endorsed.
(The “road of excess” one is an exact quote. The “more than enough” one has “unless” rather than “until” in the original.)
Strengthen your core. Back ache, balance…core is key.
Exercise regularly. You’ll be more content, healthier, and will sleep better. If you get outside and walk, you’ll experience fresh air. Humans were designed (by evolutionary adaptation) to go-go-go; stop and you’ll…well, figure it out.
Give thanks. As you lay your head down on the pillow, think about what you’re thankful for this past day.
Have some humility. You’ve been wrong–plenty; don’t forget.
+1
Larry David gives an extremely convincing performance. If he is not a jerk, he must have had a good coach.
On the bright side, many bad decisions later become good stories.
Somewhat counterintuitively, it’s good to be thought of as stupid. Takes a lot of pressure off you.
“What are you stupid?”
“Yes.”
“Oh, sorry. Carry on then.”
Also, paraphrasing Sun Tsu, if your opponent thinks you’re stupid that’s to your advantage.
“Most people think they have a good sense of humor.”
That rule is consistent with a classic finding by Dunning and Kruger: Most people think there sense of humor is above average, and the worse their sense of humor is, the more they overestimate it. From the original paper:
Do not use language unless you know where it came from.
Corrollary :
When language is used, be wary of how it is used, and any potential origin.
“But if thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought.”
-Orwell
1946
I heard the below in the context of military command, but it has relevance to other positions of power and influence:
When you assume command, you don’t get smarter, funnier, or better looking. You only think that you do.
“The worst that can happen is that you’ll fail miserably”.
Corollary to “Don’t be afraid to fail”.
“You can’t read minds”.
“Humans are fundamentally emotion driven and not rational. However, we all think we are rational decision makers.”
“We’re all broken. Give grace.”
One of the guys I’ve been helping via a prisoner-reentry program just got busted for stealing a a credit card and using it to buy liquor. Very disappointing! I want to make him a sign to hang on his jail cell wall, “When you choose your actions, you choose your consequences.” But I don’t imagine they let inmates put stuff on the walls.
Sounds like he didn’t need help with prisoner reentry.
Learn to play a musical instrument – it’ll teach you to be humble, communicative and inventive.
My Down Syndrome son Aaron, who was the light of my life until his recent death, maintained a simple life-rule: he never went anywhere without one of his collection of model animals, one appropriate to each activity. For example, when we went to a swimming pool, he always brought along a marine animal, from a crab or starfish to a fish, a cetacean, or even a river otter. At a movie, concert, or restaurant, a land animal was always discretely present in his pocket. During Aaron’s long illness of 2025-2026, which he endured with uncanny, inspirational good cheer, he always had a few stuffed animal friends with him in bed.
Jon, I’m saddened to hear about your son Aaron. Your love for him came through clearly in your posts over the years. Thanks for sharing him with us.
Aaron’s story makes me wish I’d met him. Some people seem to be on earth to bring out the best in everyone they touch. To touch the soft, vulnerable core at our centers and remind us of the good possible in each person and situation. I’m sorry you lost him.
Many thanks, Doug and Suzi. Aaron was also a music enthusiast, who introduced me to The Beatles, and we both enjoyed Bluegrass. But our joint favorite, a CD we found in England and played so much we nearly wore it out, was entitled “Giles Farnaby’s Dream Band”. Aaron called it just Dream Band. It is a Renbournish anthology of 16th-17th century dances, played by an eccentric mixed consort of Olde Musicke, folk-rock, and jazz musicians.
I just gave Giles Farnaby’s Dream Band a listen on YouTube and it’s a winner! So thanks Jon, and of course, thanks Aaron!
My condolences. What a nice story about the animals, though.
So sorry, Jon. I can’t imagine.
We don’t generally pray for people at WEIT (hehe – atheism and all!) but I’m thinking of you.
best to you and your wife/family.
D.A.
NYC
— Pay attention to and responsibility for everything you put in your mouth
— Do not hesitate to express your creativity
— Express gratitude
— Remember people are not their politics
— Be kind, generous, thoughtful
— Know everyone still appreciates a handwritten letter/note/card
— Spend as much time as you can with family and friends
一期一会 (ichi go ichi e) Treasure this moment, it will not come again
When people say “it’s not the money, it’s the principle,” it’s the money.
Re everyone thinking they’re a good person: it always used to puzzle me why people who believe in heaven and hell don’t behave like they believe it. You would think so, wouldn’t you?
Then I saw a documentary where they asked people in prison for murder about this. They all believed they were going to heaven, because God would forgive them.
PCCE, you forgot “Always kiss the squirrels.”
A wise mentor always said “If you can’t say something to my face, you shouldn’t be saying it at all.”
I also like the Wiccan Rede: “An ye harm none, do as ye will.” I interpret “none” to mean humans, other animals, and our planet.
Leave your shirts buttoned up enough to pull over your head, then you never have to waste time and effort with buttons…mind you, I never wear long sleeve shirts which makes it easier.
Cold shower…After you’re done your business in the shower turn it to full cold for 30 sec to 3 minutes, and occasionally longer. Doing this daily is by far the best strategy I’ve found for managing stress, learning to remain calm in stressful situations. It has been so life changing I have not missed a day in over 4 years. Painful the first few times, but extremely calming once you get used to it.
Better to try, fail, and learn from it, than to not try.
“Life is far too serious to be taken too seriously.”
– Beetle Bailey
”When taking a shower or running a bath, turn the cold water on first and only then the hot water, adding the hot to the cold until the desirable temperature is reached. This prevents you from burning yourself.”
Depends on the setup. The worst is two separate taps (common in England’s sinks; if it’s so good, why aren’t their showers like that?). Next is one tap with two fawcetts. Problem: temperature and volume/pressure are not independent. Next is one tap and one handle which has temperature in one direction and volume/pressure in another (not uncommon in many places). Best is one tap and two fawcetts, one for pressure/volume and one for termperature. In the last case, one simply leaves the temperature at the right setting. Also good: there is no reason to have the fawcetts near the tap in a shower.