I’m feeling low today, perhaps because of bad news everywhere combined with the fact that I’m still not over jet lag and have been waking up at 2 a.m. So, in hopes that I’ll inspire some laughs to cheer me and the readers up, I’ll proffer a joke and ask readers to do likewise. Here’s the joke, or, as Anne Elk would say, the joke is coming now. Are you ready for the joke? Here is the joke, which is mine. The next thing I’m going to say is my joke:
A Jewish man lives into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday the Catholics are driven crazy because, while they’re morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him to Catholicism. Finally, after many threats and much pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and says, “Born a Jew, Raised a Jew, Now a Catholic.” The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious but maddening smells every Friday evening.
But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to the Jew’s house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing over the cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying, “Born a cow, Raised a cow, Now a fish.”
p.s. Jokes must be family-friendly. A little risqué is okay but nothing too salacious or filthy.
It’s a bit long, so I hope it is not to well known joke:
Janssen is a worker in a factory. One day the mayor visits the plant and gets a tour from the CEO of the company. When they arrive at the place where Janssen works the mayor walks up to Janssen and cordially greets him: “Janssen, what a surprise! You work here?” They chat a bit and when he leaves he looks over his shoulder and says: “Could you visit us Friday, the children want your help with their calculus test.”
Four weeks later, the king and queen visit the city, and the factory. Another tour and another surprise for the CEO: queen Maxima hugs Janssen when they arrive at Janssen’s place at the assembly line. “Does your wife still make her beautiful design dresses? I need one next week.” The CEO is visibly impressed, and annoyed, and asks Janssen for a talk after the tour.
“Okay Janssen, I can understand how you would know the mayor, but the queen?”
“Yes, we met on a holiday and the wifes got along very well. Me and the king not so much but we respected each other opinions, let’s say we agreed to disagree.”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever, but I bet you don’t know the pope!”
“Hm, as a matter of fact I do, we often discuss his speeches. I have to say he is a smart guy and understands when he is wrong”.
“I don’t believe you, but you can prove me wrong. I am taking you to Rome this Sunday when the pope wil adress his flock in the Urbi et Orbi. Show me you know the guy!”
When they arrive at Saint Peters Square Janssen explains his plan: “I will go inside and after about 15 minutes you will see the pope and me enter the balcony. I will stand next to the pope when he adresses the believers.” And off he goes.
Indeed, 15 minutes later the pope and Janssen show up on the balcony and while Janssen points his finger to where the CEO is standing the pope and Janssen see the CEO faints and falls on the ground.
Janssen rushes to the CEO and when he arrives he sees that the CEO has recovered but with a bewildering look on his face. “What happened boss?”
“Well, it’s this Japanese woman who was standing next to us. She asked me if I knew who was the guy next to Janssen”
NASA is finally ready to send a man to Mars. The catch is, it will only be a one-way trip. So NASA is offering monetary compensation for a volunteer to donate however he wants to, if he is chosen to go to Mars for the rest of his life.
An engineer comes up and says he’d do it for $1 million. “What will you do with the money?” they ask him. “I’ll donate it to MIT to name a building in my memory.”
A doctor says, “I’ll do it for $2 million.” “And what will you do with that money?”
“I’ll give a million to my family, and a million to Harvard Medical School for a scholarship in my memory.”
A lawyer comes up; “I’ll do it for $3 million!” “What would you do with the money?”
He says, “Listen, you get me three million dollars, I’ll give you a million, I’ll keep a million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars!”
A joke:
An Auschwitz survivor dies and goes to heaven, where he meets God.
The survivor tell God a Holocaust joke.
“That’s not funny,” God replies.
“Oh,” says the survivor, “I guess you had to be there.”
ouch
A man is fly fishing in the River Spey and manages to hook a large salmon. After a long struggle he manages to land the fish and is astonished when, as he lifts it from his landing net it shouts angrily at him “What the hell are you doing? Put me back in the river!”. After his initial shock he apologises to the fish profusely. The fish calms down and accepts the apology and says there’s no harm done. They chat for a few minutes and the salmon introduces himself as Rusty, nodding towards his flanks, “because of my colouring, you know”. The fisherman introduces himself as John and expresses his amazement at the salmon’s ability to speak English and Rusty modestly acknowledges that its an unusual talent for a fish. They continue chatting for a few more moments until John says he’d better put Rusty back in the river. They bid each other farewell and Rusty swims away off down the river.
Several years later John is once again fishing in the same spot and after a few casts he gets a bite and after a long struggle manages to land the fish. As he lifts it from the water the fish say’s “Hello John! I see you’re still enjoying the old fly-fishing!” John is once again amazed and greets his old friend” “Rusty! I never expected to see you again! How are you? You’ve put on a bit of weight since I last saw you”. Rusty replies that he’s fine and glad to be back in Scotland.
“What have you been doing since I saw you last?” “Well,” replies Rusty “I went down the river and headed out to sea, I swam round the north of Scotland and right out into the Atlantic Ocean!”. “That’s amazing” said John, you must have seen some fabulous sights”. “I certainly did” said Rusty “I saw all sorts of things – I even saw the wreck of the Titanic. In fact I’ve written a book of poems about it!” “No way!” said John “You’ve actually written a book?” “I have indeed” said the fish, “you surely must have heard of the Titanic Verses by Salmon Rusty!”.
For these stress-ridden times, an oldie.
Prayer of the The Stressed Out
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I cannot accept,
the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because
they pissed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today
as they may be connected to the ass I may have to
kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work ….
12% on Mondays, 23% on Tuesdays, 40% on Wednesdays, 20% on Thursdays,
5% on Fridays.
And help me to remember when I’m having a really bad day,
and it seems that people are trying to piss me off,
that it takes 42 muscles to frown,
and only 4 to extend my middle finger
and tell them to
bite me.
Patient goes to Doctor to get test results…
Doctor: “It’s bad news, I’m afraid. You have only 10…”
Patient: “Ten what? Years? Months? Weeks?”
Doctor: “…9, 8, 7…”
I once visited a couple. I hadn’t see them in a while. In the interim she had been taking art lessons. I expressed my sincere pleasant surprise and complimented her on her efforts. I asked her what she drew. Her husband looked at me with a hang-dog look and said, “She draws flies.”
One morning an older man and his wife are getting ready for the day, brushing teeth and such in front of the bathroom mirror.
The wife remarks ‘oh hun, my skin is wrinkled, my hair is graying, and my cheeks are sagging…’
The husband says ‘well at least you still have 20/20 eyesight’
This is a joke I created myself, although it will probably be seen as culturally insensitive by polite society. Here it is:
What does a Japanese waiter say when he brings out the wrong soup? “Miso sorry!”
What I think we need is jokes about English-as-first-language speakers trying to speak the other language – I’d LOVE to hear some. In a tiny way:
[A] I’d learn something new
[B] maybe get better at a language
[C] everyone could have a good laugh
IMHO
Q: Why can’t you trust atoms?
A: They make up everything.