Obituaries for the shunned

June 30, 2019 • 2:00 pm

McSweeney’s has a pretty funny article, spoofing an obituary column,  on people who have disappeared from the Internet due to violations of Wokeness. Click on the screenshot to read them, and I’ll give a few examples. You might want to confect some of your own:

Matthew Edwards, 41, was canceled early Friday evening after he was seen in his car singing along to “Remix to Ignition.” Mr. Edwards has not watched the R. Kelly documentary, but colleagues say he was aware of its existence and general content. He leaves behind his intersectional feminist wife Julia and two woke children.

Katharine Halloran was a well-liked medical school student at Columbia University with a lifelong passion for snowboarding. Ms. Halloran was canceled in a tragic accident on Thursday, after retweeting an article with a link to a different article by an author who once retweeted a known bigot. She is 24.

Amy Rosenzweig, 28, was canceled Friday for remarking, in a Bushwick coffee shop, that she admires Ivanka Trump’s hair. There will be no memorial service.

Margaret Arnold has been canceled at the age of 22 for a leaked 2017 email in which she expressed regret that La La Land did not win the Academy Award for Best Picture.

In case you didn’t know, the Best Picture in 2017 was Moonlight.

If there’s a really good one in the comments, I’ll award its maker a prize.

84 thoughts on “Obituaries for the shunned

  1. I agree with ostracizing the woman who regretted that La La Land didn’t win Best Picture. It shouldn’t have even been nominated. Moonlight shouldn’t have won either. The best movie of 2017 was the little seen, not nominated The Florida Project.

    1. I disagree about Moonlighting but very much agree about The Florida Project, an unfortunately under appreciated gem.

    2. Unfortunately, The Florida Project is now cancelled and all copies of the film are to be burned or deleted, following the story that the lead Willam Dafoe was seen picking up his newspaper in the driveway while wearing a Kimono-style bathrobe.

      1. Frankly, I think the cancellation of any man who wears a kimono style bathrobe in public is completely jus-

        … hello?… hello?… Oh my, I think I’ve just been cancelled.

  2. a Google search of “Amy Rosenzweig” suggests the name is unique…. and today I learned how to spell and pronounce “Rosenzweig”

  3. Frederick Bloggs was cancelled at the age of 68 for insisting on wearing jeans with no holes torn in the fabric, thus punching down on those too poor to be fashionable.

  4. Edwina Foulks was peacefully cancelled last Friday having being overheard in staff canteen stating that the maximum number of possible genders was 72. She leaves behind a locker and one parking space.

  5. Horace Tweedy, 69, was canceled early Sunday morning when it was discovered that he denied his aging mother permission to move to a dryer climate to accommodate her asthma. Tweedy’s relatives insist that there are no other climate change deniers in the family, but a further investigation is pending.

  6. Brenda Finkelstein, 38, cancelled, peacefully in her own home, surrounded by no one for remarking on June 24 that Wonder Woman was historically inaccurate and that Black Panther was derivative. The family is requesting that in lieu of the traditional praise of the aforementioned films, people instead accuse at least one other person of cultural appropriation this week.

      1. Yes’m, Brenda didn’t want to kick up a fuss. She doesn’t need to be where she isn’t wanted.

  7. Allan Stewarton, age 18, was canceled the day after his college professors e-mailed to all incoming students (as required by newly instituted regulations in each department) a survey asking for a complete list of each student’s psychological triggers, for use in compiling the departmentally required trigger warning list to be placed at the head of all classroom materials. Allan responded to each survey with the following six words: “I am triggered by trigger warnings.”

    1. John Conoboy was canceled for claiming that if he posted a message on Facebook he would be canceled.

  8. Harold Snyder 45, a dairy farmer was cancelled at a private ceremony after claiming his herd of Jersey cows could out produce any Holstein-Friesian herd.
    His discriminatory anti feminist stance has no place in the milking parlour (formaly known as a milking shed) according to local woke.
    Some of his herd are now undergoing mixed herd therapy, whilst others have left by truck to destinations unknown.

    1. I love this one!

      (My sister/brother-in-law are dairy farmers and the favourite job I ever had was with the Ministry of Agriculture.)

  9. Meanwhile, in the world of real abuse of power

    Canadian Cartoonist Fired After His Trump Cartoon Goes Viral

      1. No wonder people found that cartoon offensive; Trump would never stoop to asking could he play through.

          1. I was pleasantly surprised when he didn’t intentionally vomit on anyone in the presence of the Queen during any of his trips to the UK.

            1. That we know of, anyway.

              You know the old saying: What happens in Buckingham Palace stays in Buckingham Palace. Pretty much anything goes behind closed doors there, so long as you don’t frighten the horses and the servants have been sworn to silence. 🙂

              1. You sure you want to see that, rickflick? I have a feeling the Queen and those corgis have a “special relationship,” and it’s not like the kind between the US and UK…

    1. I’m a big fan of de Adder’s work and have frequently tweeted it in the past.

      And note: this is the second cartoonist to lose his job because Trump’s a snowflake. I wish we could write about him being canceled.

      1. It was a great cartoon and I’m saddened someone was fired for it. Good grief it worries me about my own future sometimes with me & my big mouth.

        1. I’m not very good at biting my tongue either, so I get where you’re coming from. One of the few good things about not being able to work is I don’t have to worry about keeping my mouth shut. You should be able to speak out, especially against injustice, but the world isn’t fair unfortunately.

  10. Darwin, C. Cancelled on this date 159 years ago after one of his more vocal supporters public insulted the ancestry of a serving member of the clergy. The insult appeared to have been directly inspired by a book written by Mr D. at an earlier point, though complete confirmation would have involved reading it — an activity already precluded by the offensive nature of the contents.

  11. Avery Krumple, 39, was canceled last Thursday when it was discovered that she belonged to the Jane Lynch fan club. Beside having a racist name, Lynch plays Sue Sylvester (SS!) on the show “Glee,” making her a suspected neo-Nazi. Donations should be sent to the Giltbye Association.

    1. I’ve had white supremacists and neo-Nazis follow me on Twitter because they assume that my name isn’t real, and Heather Hastie and Heather’s Homilies are about the initials HH for Heil Hitler. (In case you didn’t know) “88” (the number) is apparently code for HH too, because “H” is the eighth letter of the alphabet.

      They were very disappointed to discover my “race traitor” proclivities!

        1. Yeah this number stuff is really embraced by Nazis. Magical thinking one talking dog away from a full on delusion.

      1. Hilarious! I guess Eric Lindros and 23 other hockey players must also, sadly, now be canceled. I wonder if they have a few hundred neo-Nazis following them, confused over why they keep tweeting about hockey.

        Sorry, but you’re now canceled as well, Heather. Please change your name!

        I had no idea how many stupid signals and “dog whistles” each side has until a few years ago. I’m far more aware of the neo-Nazi ones because they usually involve Jews/the Holocaust. The whole putting names in three parentheses on each side to denote that someone is an evil Jew was a weird one to me. What was the genesis of that? I’d look it up, but I really, really don’t want to.

        1. I find if I start looking up stuff I start going down rabbit holes, and never get anything done, so not looking it up is probably a good move. Besides, it’s unlikely to help. I vaguely recall looking that one up at some stage. I don’t remember why they did it, but I do remember thinking it was all a bit pointless, like most of those things. They become a trend in Woke World for a while, then something else gets their attention and becomes more important intersectionally.

          1. Totally hear you on the rabbit hole thing (who among us hasn’t experienced that?), but I’m willing to go down fun or interesting ones, like watching hours of video on crazy hockey plays, or how some weird internet cult sprung up from a random anime-love group and, over several years, turned into a cult with a psychopathic, controlling leader who lured a group of people to live in her house with her and do all sorts of terrible things over the years. I already struggle enough with depression, so going down this neo-Nazi rabbit hole isn’t going to be much help. Plus, then I start thinking about my direct relatives who died in the Holocaust and the tattoo on my great grandmother’s arm and how, if she didn’t survive, I wouldn’t exist today.

            Depression initiated! But not your fault of course 🙂 Plus, I have a tall glass of whiskey sitting next to me that I coincidentally poured just five minutes ago, so I’m sure I’ll forget about this topic quickly enough. Maybe I can predict the future! Or maybe this is just usually about the time I tend to pour a glass of whiskey on some nights…

            1. It can be fun to venture down a rabbit hole. My problem is it happens far too often. I get on the computer to do something in particular (like more on a write a post) and a couple of hours later I’m exhausted and have to log off, having done absolutely nothing I intended to.

              It’s not quite 3 pm Monday here, so I’ll eschew the whisky, but you enjoy!

              1. It happens to me because there are times when I have no working memory. I literally cannot remember what I was going to do after I open a new tab on my computer. I have no idea why it’s this bad now but it could be cognition issues for migraines or maybe I’m just too tired. Let’s just hope it’s not early on-set dementia.

              2. I’ve been worried about that for a while too. I actually forget why I turned on the computer, and I don’t realize I’ve forgotten of course. My short-term memory is really bad. I’m a bit concerned about dementia, but I’ve decided that it could also be all the drugs I’m on. I’ve told my doc, and she checks me regularly. I’ve been passing the basic tests that GPs can perform so far.

              3. And I remember the tiny details of other things. I think it’s my neurology from all the migraines and over work. I swear I used to be smarter. I have no idea how I’m going to keep working until I retire. I remember having legit fears about how I’d not make it to work in the morning when I was a student. I manage to but I’m always late.

              4. I know I used to be smarter – it’s not just imagination. I do on-line IQ tests, and the results are significantly lower than they were when I was younger. I suspect that’s years of drugs affecting my brain in a similar way your brain has probably been affected by years of frequent migraines.

              5. Your experience with computer rabbit holes just sounds like my daily life no matter what I’m doing.

                I need to work on my organizational skills and time management.

              6. Yeah, if you’re not allowed to do it Rick, there’s no hope for the rest of us!

              7. I’ve had at least five concussions and scarring on the right side of my brain, so I feel like that counts as an excuse, but it doesn’t really seem to affect my memory. I’ll just pretend it’s an excuse anyway. It certainly could affect my attention.

              8. I think concussions do cause focus issues. Probably depends on where the injury is. At least your not violent like some sufferers.

          1. Awww. I said I didn’t want to know. It’s OK, I don’t blame you 🙂 You were just trying to be informative, and now I know something I didn’t know before.

          2. I’ve always thought that the triple parentheses meant you were virtual hugging somebody. I’m so glad I found out about that one before I decided virtual hugging is a good thing.

          3. Arrgh! Now you’ve got me doing it.

            My laptop has a (((!))) -like symbol on it, but I think it just means Wifi.

            cr

    2. Well, my post may not be the funniest, but it generated the most replies. (Count ’em–14! Talk about your rabbit holes!) Do I get a prize for that?

  12. Evergreen College President George S. Bridges, 68, was cancelled this past Tuesday for urinating without permission and raising his hands above his waist. Acquaintances who have expressed regret over his cancellation have also been cancelled. Acquaintances who have not expressed sufficient outrage at his actions have also been cancelled.

  13. That’s funny stuff. McSweeney’s can tend toward the twee at times, but hosts some damn fine writing. This is one of the good ones.

  14. Ms Saffron Cobra this past Independence Day
    of Freedom was canceled due to faulty parts
    and too much old inside her womb’s incubating
    machinery. She made many mistakes in life
    and tried to learn from each; but, in the
    end, was summarily quashed within one wee
    county courtroom. She was privileged to ‘ve
    been sustained by laboring within several
    low – level positions, upwards for years of
    four of them within the same week’s time,
    and credited her junior – high typing course
    that y1967 summertime with its Quick Brown
    Fox Jumping Over that Silly, Lazy Dog and
    Ms Versteeg’s sentence – diagramming along
    with her so – fun Latin instruction for
    her ability to have a paycheck at the end
    of any month’s passing. She will be
    remembered by no one having first been
    recruited within Gilead in to God’s Almighty
    Wasteland of Its Sterile Colonies after
    her coveted and usurped fecundity one
    11 September 1990, exactly one year’s time
    before that other one of that precise date,
    suddenly up and quit on her and its Rapists,
    er, its Commanders.

    Blue

  15. Steve Gerrard was cancelled for culturally appropriating the double-ell spelling of canceled from the British.

    1. Actually, he had already been canceled earlier that day for his culturally appropriated name: “Steve” is ultimately derived from the Greek name “Stephanos,” and “Gerrard” is ultimately derived from the French name “Gérard.”

  16. A formerly popular physics professor, Roger Jones, was canceled last night after students complained over his mispronunciation of a classmate’s name during a tutorial. “Todd spells his name with two ds,” a fellow student explained. “It’s highly offensive to hear it pronounced with just the one.”

  17. Katharine Halloran […] She is 24.

    Surely, “her highest reported age was 24, but as an un-person there will be no more data on this crime. Please do not be temporally constraining – what seems to be in your past may be in someone else’s present or future.

    Is there an external reality? I think John Bell proved that this is not the case. At least, locally. Within our observable universe.

  18. Charles Gianelli, age 4, was canceled this morning for successfully auditioning to play the young Stephen Hawking in an upcoming miniseries on the life of the late physicist. Since the neurological disability which eventually deprived Hawking of mobility and speech (Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, or ALS) was not evident or diagnosed until his early adulthood, Gianelli’s parents and agent had wrongly assumed that a speaking, mobile child would be appropriate to portray the child Hawking at the same age. (Their own cancellations occurred within minutes of the studio announcement that Charles had been selected.) Although the projected miniseries has not been formally canceled, it has been placed on indefinite hold until there is some way to locate either an able-bodied child actor who can be guaranteed to develop ALS in early adulthood, just like Hawking, or else a child actor who already has been diagnosed with the disorder but who can appear not to have it (in order to ensure that the character of Hawking is played only by an appropriately disabled individual).
    The Giannellis were briefly survived by Charles’ sister Elaine, 12, until she wondered whether disabled actors were likewise forbidden to portray the able-bodied.

  19. All staff at Rosetta Stone, Duolingo, and Babbel and the foreign language training programs of the United States Armed Services have been canceled for failint to provide their non-binary students with equivalents (in languages from Arabic to Zulu) for:

    zie zim zir zis zieself
    sie sie hir hirs hirself
    ey em eir eirs eirself
    ve ver vis vers verself
    tey ter tem ters terself
    e em eir eirs emself

    and others in use or to be devised.

    (Credit for list: https://uwm.edu/lgbtrc/support/gender-pronouns/ )

  20. The city of Toronto, 185, was cancelled when a group of York University sociology students and faculty discovered that, among the 1.5 million or so people celebrating the Toronto Raptors NBA title, were those who believed that sex is binary, others who seemed neither to know nor care that Pilates is a form of white supremacy, that clapping and shouting can trigger trauma, and that the diversity of the crowd did not match precisely that of the team.

  21. John was cancelled at the age of 34 for suggesting that violently threatening a 60-year-old feminist with a baseball bat might be more of a problem than said 60-year-old’s views on trans inclusion in women’s sports. He leaves behind a dent.

  22. Frederick Bloggs was cancelled for a second time after he had triggered the baristas of the nearby international coffee shop chain by asking for a straight white coffee.

    His regular user card will be given to charity.

    1. Oh right, that one’s real.

      Or, to put the headline more accurately:

      Lazy Headline Writers See That People Who Want To Find Something To Be Offended By Have Found Something to Be Offended By.

      1. I might as well get myself into trouble by observing that all these obligatory bilingual road signs make driving in Wales at least twice as dangerous as it needs to be, because we English monoglots have to look much longer before we can decipher the sodding things.

        1. We have a similar problem in the Highlands of Scotland, where hardly anyone still speaks Gaelic, and those who do are in any case bilingual. Nonetheless we have to put up with them, and they are made worse by having the Gaelic version first.

          Steve, I think you and I are about to be cancelled.

  23. Col. Archibald Peregrine Ffoulkes-Smythe, DFC, Retd., of the 5th Anglian Highlanders, was cancelled at a regimental re-union on Sunday after being heard to remark that the 2017 film ‘Dunkirk’ was actually quite historically accurate, as, y’know, there really weren’t many chaps of colour in his regiment at the time, and he didn’t recall seeing much diversity amongst the damned Bosche either. He no longer requires his parking space behind the officer’s mess, and his name will not be mentioned at future regimental dinners.

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