An atheist joke

August 30, 2015 • 2:30 pm

There’s not much doing today (though we’ll have some science this week), but here’s a pretty good atheist joke sent by reader Glenn.

An atheist was walking through the woods.
‘What majestic trees!”What powerful rivers!’
‘What beautiful animals!’
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him…
At that instant the Atheist cried out,
‘Oh my God!’
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
“You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?”
The atheist looked directly into the light. “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?”
“Very well,” said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
“For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful, Amen.”

We’ll be here all week, folks. You got any atheist jokes?

138 thoughts on “An atheist joke”

  4. This isn’t an atheist joke, but a similar ‘chased by predator’ theme.
    Two friends walking through the plains of the savannah in southern Africa. They remove their sport shoes to enjoy the cool grass on their bare-feet.
    Suddenly, one of them spots a lion staring at them from 200 yards away. They turn and start to walk in the opposite direction, the lion begins to follow them. They increase their pace, the lion speeds up. They start to run, the lion runs.
    Then one of them stops, crouches down, and starts to put his sport shoes back on. “What are you doing?? You can’t out-run the lion!”
    “I don’t have to out-run the lion, I just need to out-run you!”

      1. 1. Why don’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers!

        2. An atheist walked into a barbershop and asked for a haircut. The barber said, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.” The atheist replied, “That’s okay; I don’t believe in hair!”

        very funny jokes

  6. I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, “Stop! Don’t do it!” “Why shouldn’t I?” he said. I said, “Well, there’s so much to live for!” He said, “Like what?” I said, “Well, are you religious or atheist?” He said, “Religious.” I said, “Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?” He said, “Christian.” I said, “Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist? He said, “Baptist!” I said, “Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!” I said, “Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?” He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God!” I said, “Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?” He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!” I said, “Die, heretic scum!” and pushed him off.

  7. An atheist buys an Ancient Roman Catholic lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it. Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, “I’ll grant you three wishes, Master.” The atheist says, “I wish I could believe in you.” The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the atheist believes in him. The atheist says, “Wow. I wish all atheists would believe this.” The genie snaps his fingers again, and suddenly atheists all over the world begin to believe in genies. “What about your third wish?” asks the genie. “Well,” says the atheist, “I wish for a billion dollars.” The genie snaps his fingers for a third time, but nothing happens. “What’s wrong?” asks the atheist. The genie shrugs and says, “Just because you believe in me, doesn’t necessarily mean that I really exist.”

    1. This was supposedly Niels Bohr’s favorite joke, the inverse of yours:
      Physicist Alice walks into the office of another physicist,Bill, and spots a horseshoe hanging on the wall. Alice says “Why do you have that horseshoe on the wall?” Bob answers “It brings good luck.” Alice is shocked and say “Surely you don’t believe that?” Bob answers “Of course not, but I hear it works even if you don’t believe in it.”

      1. Didn’t Bohr actually have a horseshoe in his study so that if asked by some astounded rationalist, he could give Bob’s reply?

  8. Not really a joke but it’s from the popular sitcom “The Big Bang Theory”. It’s also of a similar theme to the joke posted. Sheldon Cooper locks his house but then realizes his house keys are now locked inside. In anguish and despair he cries out:

    “Why hast thou forsaken me, O deity whose existence I doubt!?”

    1. For the record, it is not when Sheldon locks his keys into his apartment [The Vegas Renormalization]. The episode you want is when Sheldon’s World of Warcraft account had been hacked and stolen — Season 4 episode 19, The Zarnecki Incursion.

      Great line nonetheless.

  9. A big flood is coming (keep reading — it isn’t what you think) and a believer announces his faith is in God to protect him. His atheist neighbor drives up and says, “get in the car, I’m here to take you to safety. “no, no,” says the man, “I trust in the lord.”

    The atheist pulls out a gun and shoots the man dead. The man goes to heaven and says to God, “I don’t understand. I thought you would keep me safe.” God replies, “I know how this joke goes. I send a car, I send a boat, I send you a helicopter and you keep refusing. I sent the atheist to get you out of the way sO other people wouldn’t die while the boat and the helicopter wasted time on you.

      1. On some levels

        “I meant to write that with gender neutral pronouns but forgot to make the effort.”

        that is the funniest thing I have seen on the internet all week.

        5 points to you!

    3. Actually the original joke was a good one, even if it did have a Xtian message. I used to like it, anyway.

      cr

  10. So this atheist was visiting Jerusalem on business. Every day he looks out of his hotel room and sees this elderly Jewish man praying at the Wailing Wall. On the final day of his stay in the city, the atheist goes to see the Wailing Wall and encounters the elderly Jew.

    “If I may ask,” the atheist begins, “I see you praying at this wall every day for hours at a time. What do you pray for so earnestly?”

    “Nu,” responds the old Jew, “I pray for world peace.”

    “You pray for world peace?” the atheist replies. “Don’t you ever get discouraged by all the war and violence that keeps happening in spite of your prayers?

    “Discouraged?” says the old Jew, “It’s like talking to a brick wall!”

  11. Not an atheist joke per se but:

    Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic who couldn’t be sure about the existence of Dog?

    1. …or even the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who lay awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.

    2. Right, and ‘DNA’ stands for ‘National Dyslexics Association,’ just to top it all off.

          1. “CDO” The short-form for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Because it’s in alphabetical order.

  12. Religious Shit

    Taoism: Shit happens.
    Buddhism: If shit happens, it’s not really shit.
    Islam: If shit happens, it’s the will of Allah.
    Protestantism: Shit happens because you don’t work hard enough.
    Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
    Hinduism: This shit happened before. Catholicism: Shit happens because you’re bad.
    Hare Krishna: Shit happens rama rama.
    T.V. Evangelism: Send money or shit will happen.
    Atheism: No shit.
    Jehova’s Witness: Knock knock, shit happens.
    Hedonism: There’s nothing like a good shit happening.
    Christian Science: Shit happens in your mind.
    Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn’t.
    Rastafarianism: Let’s smoke this shit.
    Existentialism: What is shit anyway?
    Stoicism: This shit doesn’t bother me.

      1. Protestants put a huge emphasis on good work and living sober. Max Weber thought protestantism was responsible for the rise of capitalism in Northern Europe. The title of his book was “The Protestant Ethic and the Spirit of Capitalism”.

        1. Depends on the Protestant. The Independent Baptists I grew up with considered works to be important, but not for salvation. The Apostle Paul said, “For by grace are ye saved, through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God. Not of works.” We believed it!

          Of course, we also claimed not to be Protestants. Several of my siblings still think they belong to a congregation of the very church that Jesus founded in Jerusalem about 29 a.d.

    3. My wife has this sign hanging in the garage. It’s title is – Religions of the World

      One missing however and was written in:

      Mormanism – Shit happens to one wife and it happens to all of them.

  13. Is that better or worse than the bear being Zeus in disguise and looking for a little love?

  16. A man sees a boy with a box of kittens The man goes over and says “Oh what cute kittens!” The boy replies “Yes they are Christian kittens”. About a week later the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens. Once again he walks over and says “my, those are just adorable!” The boy replies “Yes, they are atheist kittens” The man asks “wait, weren’t they christian before?” The boy looks at the man and says “Yeah but they have their eyes open now”

    source:
    http://www.jokes4us.com/religiousjokes/atheistjokes.html

  20. “There’s nothing an agnostic can’t do if he really doesn’t know whether he believes in it or not.”
    – Graham Chapman

  21. I have a religion joke that was told to me by an atheist:

    After numerous attempts, the London Zoo was having no luck breeding its female gorilla in captivity. Its board of directors met to discuss the problem. In exasperation, when no other remedy was suggested, a director, whose family hailed from a village on the Irish coast, suggested that they go to his ancestral village, find a fisherman who had just returned from a long, lonely trip at sea, and make inquiry if they could hire him to mate with the gorilla.

    And so they did. They waited until the fishing boats returned in the morning with their catch and, finding the biggest, ugliest fisherman they could, they set out their problem for him, and asked if he would mate with the female gorilla for £50. The fisherman allowed as how he had worked up a powerful thirst at sea, said he was heading to the pub for a few pints, and would give them his answer upon his return.

    Bye and bye, he came back and said he would agree to it on three conditions:

    1. It would have to be straight screwing and no kissing;

    2. The child would have to be raised Catholic; and

    3. They would have to give him until pay day to come up with the £50.

  22. This either gets a hearty guffaw or is considered either dumb or bewildering.

    At a town hall, a Catholic priest, and Baptist minister and a member of the skeptic society are fielding questions from the audience.

    “Do you believe in infant baptism?”

    Priest (Father Flanagan):
    “We believe children are born in original sin, so that in order to wash away the stain of Adam, we must baptize infants as soon as possible.”

    Baptist minister (Reverend Roberts):
    “We believe baptism is a meaningless ceremony unless the recipient truly understands the meaning of receiving God, so we only baptize result.”

    Representative of Skeptics society (Doctor Daniels) is falling asleep and asks to have the question repeated.
    “Do you believe in infant baptism?”

    “Believe in it! I’ve actually seen Father Flanaghan really do it before my very eyes.”

    1. Actually, that’s pretty good, with a nice illustration of the inherent ambiguity in the word “believe”.

      1. Yes; it also highlights how many people will miss the ambiguity and unintentionally (or often intentionally) equivocate their way to silly non sequiturs.

        Take our perennial favorite: “what is the meaning of the universe?” People uncritically accept that this must be a legitimate and profound question. When we value something we say “that means a lot to me”, and when we don’t value something we say “it means nothing to me”, and so “meaning” becomes some vague, nebulous, but good characteristic that something as important to our existence as the universe simply must have. There’s a category error going on here because the sloppy equivocation will often disappear if you substitute a less important physical entity for “the universe”. No one asks “what is the meaning of this old fingernail clipping I found in the corner of my bathroom?”

          2. The universe may
            Be as great as they say,
            But it wouldn’t be missed
            If it didn’t exist. (Piet Hein)

  23. Gunman in Belfast points a gun at a young man and asks: Are you a catholic or a protestant? Guy: I’m an atheist
    Gunman: Okay. Are you a catholic atheist or a protestant atheist

  24. …and then there was the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who would lie awake all night wondering if there was a dog.

    1. I knew where that link was going.

      And I love the Church of Danae’s slogan: Follow along and no-one gets hurt.

      cr

  26. A priest is questioned by his atheist neighbour as to why he doesn’t proselytize among the Muslim community, so he explains that there are many paths to God. The atheist points out that because the Koran quotes the Proto-Gospel of Matthew, a known early Christian forgery, it can’t be anything except a forgery itself, and again suggests that the priest should logically help the Muslim community. The priest looks at him, sighs, and says:

    “I might believe in transubstantiation, papal infallibility and the reliability of Bronze Age texts – but I’m not *that* crazy!”

    1. That’s good. Next time the JWs show up I’ll ask them to come back AFTER they’ve been to the Muslim neighborhood!

  27. Did you hear about the atheist who was elected governor of Alabama?

    Yeah, right. Neither did I.

  28. A priest and an atheist were playing golf. At every green the atheist missed the hole, shouting “God dammit! I missed!”

    The priest warned the atheist he mustn’t take god’s name in vain. Yet the missed putts continued with “God dammit! I missed!”

    Finally at the 18th hole the priest warned him one last time. It did no good. As the atheist shouted “God dammit! I missed!” a bolt of lightning flashed from the sky and struck thd priest dead.

    As the atheist looked up in wonder, a voice boomed from the sky: “God dammit! I missed.”

    1. I bite, and solemnly proclaim: This joke gets the fact wrong that an atheist confronted with such compelling evidence would likely convert. So, not a good joke ar all, mumble mumble mumble …

  30. Well one can always look up the various UU joke collections. A variant of one that fits is.

    Q: How does an atheist walk on water?
    A: She waits until winter.

  31. Call it an Atheist joke because it was Lenny Bruce:

    If Jesus had been killed 20 years ago, Catholic School children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.

    1. A good one…but, in seriousness, the cross is as much an astrological symbol as anything else. Jesus, the Sun god, was crucified on (at the center of) the four corners (seasons) of the wheel in the sky. You can see this reinforced in all the similar cross symbology from both various flavors of Christianity and all sorts of related non-Christian religions — especially with a circle at the center of the cross.

      (The Sun god imagery in Christianity is ubiquitous and impossible to miss once your eyes are open. Consider, for example, the Pater Noster, especially from an agrarian perspective of the energy source that makes crops grow. And the all-seeing eye whose face nobody can look upon, the giver of life and source of all, and so on and so forth. Halos behind the heads of holy figures, as if they were backlit by and thus the face of the Sun.)

      b&

      1. I’m certain this is all very good and important to the Christians Ben. At least those who are really into it, but I am not one of them. This is a joke, a bit cruel maybe but hey, it’s Lenny.

        1. Oh, to be sure, I got the joke, and I know you’re as godless as the rest of us regulars — just took a moment to riff on the theme, is all.

          b&

        2. Actually, I think most xians would vehemently deny everything Ben explained. Their god is *certainly not* just another in a long line of very similar sun gods! He’s Jesus Christ™!

          The fact that all the sun god symbology is there only casts more doubt (to understate it) on the truth of xianity.

  32. A man tells his priest that he’s leaving church.

    “Why?”, asks the priest.

    “As I see things, it has been around for 2000 years now, and somehow the world doesn’t seem a better place for it.”

    “Well”, says the priest, “water has been on this planet for billions of years – and now look at your neck!”

      1. I believe he is saying water has been around forever, yet you are not using any. Dirty neck

          1. I think…maybe…Randy has the right basic idea, but you have to frame it like this: there are good resources out there, but it’s up to individuals to act in order to accomplish good. You can’t expect the church to accomplish good if the members don’t act, and you can’t expect to get clean if you never avail yourself of the cleansing properties of water.

            But this is less like a joke and more like apologetics. Really crappy apologetics. Maybe that is the joke: that someone thought this story earned a point for theism.

    2. Seen on a t-shirt: “Everyone needs something to believe in. I believe I’ll have another beer.”

  33. An atheist sits down on a plane next to a little girl wearing a crucifix around her neck. When the food comes the little girl asks the atheist if he’d say grace with her. “Sorry little girl, I don’t believe in God,” says the atheist.

    The little girl replies, “Sir, do you know why mouse droppings are so round?”

    “No, I can’t say that I do,” replies the man.

    “Do you know why horse droppings are so irregularly shaped?”

    “Hmmm…couldn’t tell you,” says the man.

    “What about cow maneur? Why is it such good fertilizer?”

    Again, the man is baffled. The girl says, “So you’re telling me that you know God doesn’t exist? You dont know shit!”

  34. A good joke from you.
    Here is one from a Hindu from India.

    An atheist cannot cross a ditch as the plank that was bridging the gap is missing. He looks around, sees an abandoned temple, picks up the idol of God, places it to bridge the gap, walks on the idol and goes his merry way.

    A theist comes next. He is aghast . “How can anyone step on God?” he exclaims. He touches the idol reverently to place it back in the temple. There is thunder, lightning and a Voice. The Voice thunders “How dare you sin by touching me before taking a bath. I CURSE you. You will go to HELL and stay there permanently”

      1. I do not know which part you did not get. Anyway
        1.Among Hindus it is sin to do anything connected with God before a bath.
        2. God could not curse the atheist as for an atheist HE/SHE/IT does not exist.

  36. How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
    Two. One to change the bulb and the other to film the event so Creationists can’t claim “God did it.”

    1. OK. I was wondering how to make up a “How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?” joke. Thanks!

  37. This is not an atheist joke or even related to religion, but it’s my latest Favorite Joke so I thought I would share…

    A tourist walks into an Irish pub. It’s the middle of the afternoon, but it’s a dim little place and with some effort he could make out the barkeep and an elderly fellow down at the end of the bar, staring bleakly into his pint. The new visitor takes a seat at the middle of the bar and orders a drink.

    After some time in silence, he decides to strike up a conversation. He turns to the old fellow at the end of the bar and says “Hi old-timer, what’s your name?”

    The fellow says “Oh. What’s my name? Let me ask you this: You see this bar? I built this bar. I hewed the timber, shaped it and sanded it, I put more love and care into this bar than I did for any of my children. It’s BEAUTIFUL, and no less so than any of the scores of bars I built elsewhere in the county. What’s my name? I should think it would be McGregor the bar-builder, but no.”

    The old man then points out the window to the east. “And do you see that stone fence out there? I built that, I quarried the stones, I set them in place and mortared them up. That fence is just one portion of the miles of stone fences I’ve built and will serve our community for centuries. But do they call me McGregor the Fence Builder? No!”

    Then he points out the opposite window, towards the ocean shore. “And do you see that pier? I built that, I cut the timers, I waded against the tide to set them as pilings, I lashed them together and set the planking atop. That’s just one of the many piers I’ve built that will last and serve for generations, I tell ya’. But do they call me ‘McGregor the Pier Builder’? NO!

    Then, after a pause and a heavy sigh, he says “But… you shag a goat just ONE time….”

  38. A little girl was sitting on her doorstep, looking sad. A passing neighbor asked what was wrong.

    “My kitty died,” said the girl. “Don’t worry,” the neighbor replied, “your kitty’s with Jesus now.”

    The girl wrinkled her nose and asked “What would Jesus want with a dead cat?”

    1. I told this joke to one of my late mother’s evil acquaintances, who riposted with a possibly true story.

      A family pet was the victim of coyotes, and the parents decided that it would be best to tell their child what actually happened. She appeared to take it rather well.

      Not long afterwards an elderly aunt passed away, and when the parents informed their daughter, her eyes went wide and she asked, “Was she eaten by coyotes?”

  39. Q: How many Accommodationsists does it take to change a dead light bulb?

    A: None. This darkness is fully compatible with my belief the lights are still on.

  40. Dyslexics have it NAILED. Now that Mt. McKinley’s original name has been restored, DENALI is no longer just a river in Egypt.

  41. Back in 2008, Amanda Marcotte went to work for the ill-fated Edwards campaign and enlisted an assortment of like-minded people to keep Pandagon going. One night Chris Clarke, I think, said let’s all tell religious jokes!

    There were a lot, and I collected them all at one point, but there are only so many Baptist, Lutheran, Episcopalian or Unitarian jokes. Before long it was just priests and rabbis.

    Humor is a human universal, but jokes are a specific cultural tradition, and at least in America most successfully practiced by the Jews and (to a lesser degree) the Irish, two refugee populations. I don’t really like Freud’s take on the subject, but I still tell some of the jokes he discussed in “Wit and its relation to the unconscious”. )I have a young nephew who is easily amused.)

    Pretty much any religious joke is an atheist joke, in that something considered religious is mocked, but they’re not amusing to someone unfamiliar with the traditions. I’ve encountered liberals online who thought it ridiculous to suggest that Jews couldn’t eat cheeseburgers. One need to know something about religion to joke about it.

    1. So a guy arrives in hell. A passing demon says “You’re new here. This is reception, it’s going to take a while. Would you like to have a look around?”

      Guy says, why not, and the demon takes him to a series of caves in which people are being punished for violating their religious traditions. In one cave, Catholics are being beaten with chains for eating eggs during Lent, in another Jews are being boiled in oil for eating pork.

      In the third, people are being both boiled and beaten with chains. Guy asks, “What did they do?” The demon shuddered. “They’re Episcopalians who ate the main course with the salad fork.”

    2. “Pretty much any religious joke is an atheist joke, in that something considered religious is mocked, but they’re not amusing to someone unfamiliar with the traditions. I’ve encountered liberals online who thought it ridiculous to suggest that Jews couldn’t eat cheeseburgers. One need to know something about religion to joke about it.”

      There are many jokes that rely on some knowledge of the specific culture (or at least stereotype of that culture) to be funny. For example that cows are sacred to Hindus, or that pigs are unclean for Jews.

      Or you have to have some sketchy knowledge of comic superhero lore to get the Invisible Man joke (which I can still hardly believe the Vicar of Dibley actually did –
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eho8Ey3Em48 and jump to 34:45 )

      cr

      1. OK, Jew – vs – Hindu joke.

        A Jew, a Hindu and an Englishman are travelling together in lonely countryside. Evening comes, and there is no sign of an inn – all they can see is an isolated farm. So they knock on the door and ask the farmer if they can sleep there for the night, and he says “Well I only have one spare room, just room for two people. But the third can sleep in the barn, there’s a lot of hay for bedding and it’s quite warm”.

        So they draw straws and the Jew loses. Off he goes to the barn while the other two get ready for bed. But soon there’s a knock on the door and there’s the Jew: “Oy vey! There is a pig in the barn and to us, pigs are unclean animals. I cannot sleep there.”

        So the other two draw straws, the Hindu loses, and off he goes. But five minutes later, there’s a knock on the door. “I am begging your pardon, but there is also a cow in the barn, and cows are being sacred animals to us, I cannot be sharing a roof with a cow, I am terribly sorry.”

        So – what a surprise – the Englishman trudges grumpily off into the night. And sure enough, five minutes later there is another knock on the door. And standing there are a cow and a pig…

        (Okay, I lied, it was actually a Pommie joke. I love the way it gets set up, you’re expecting the Pommie (Englishman) to be there at the door…)

        cr

        1. OK as we have moved somewhat off-topic, this explains the offended pig and cow:

          If it moves: the Chinese eat, the American shoot it, the English f**k it.

          1. Which reminds me of this joke I was told while in Malaysia.

            A Malay, an Indian and a Chinese man were discussing religion and how much they donated to their church. The Malay said, “Well, every week after I get paid, I go outside my front-door and draw a square about a foot long on each side. I throw all my money into the air. Whatever comes down inside the square, I keep and I give the rest to G*d.”

            The Indian, “I do pretty much the same. I go outside my front-door and draw a line down the middle of the path. I throw all my money in the air. What comes down of the left of the line, I give to G*d and the rest I keep.”

            The Chinese man said, “I also do a similar thing. I go outside my front-door and throw all my money in the air. Whatever G*d wants, he keeps. Anything that comes down, I keep.”

        2. Variant on this one:
          In a very remote village it is time to elect the member of parliament but according to the local tradition this is not done by a vote. Instead the candidates undergo a trial to see who can stay the longest in the local pig-sty.
          On the appointed day the villagers gather round to watch as candidates from the Green Party, the Liberal Democrats, the Labour Party and the Conservatives all trudge nervously into the sty.
          After about twenty minutes the Green Party candidate comes staggering out, gasping for air. Twenty more minutes pass by and the Liberal Democrat Candidate lurches out. Another twenty minutes pass and the Labour Party candidate emerges with green face and eyes watering.
          The crowd waits expectantly for the victor to emerge but nothing happens for over an hour. Then the silence is suddenly broken by a pitiful sound as the pig drags itself from the sty, vomiting copiously.

          (Of course you can modify this one to suit your own political preferences).

  42. Old one, but anyway…

    Bertrand Russell arrives in heaven and is taken to God, who asks him: “Why didn’t you believe in Me?” Where upon Russell answers: “No evidence, my Lord.”

  44. Two brothers lived in the same house in London. One was a pious Christian vicar, while the other was a gay atheist and liked to host loud and noisy parties where his friends could tell religious jokes. The vicar loved his duties and was popular with the old-fashioned churchgoers, but he always went home to find his brother’s hedonistic lifestyle had embarrassed him among the neighbours again. The vicar eventually had enough and confronted his brother one day.

    “I have told you many times before the way to Heaven, brother,” he said solemnly. “And over and over, you challenge what I say. Why do you continue to do this to me?”

    “Because I don’t believe you know what you’re talking about,” said the gay brother. “And your behaviour is rude: you never let me use our car, for a start, even though I paid for it along with you.”

    “After the way you treat my house,” said the vicar despairingly, “why on Earth should I?”

    The gay atheist looked over his works, and bowed his head in shame. He said, “Listen, if I clean up and start again, then may I use the car?”

    “Do you agree to listen to my word,” said the vicar, “and follow the correct path to Heaven?”

    The gay atheist, despite his arguments, loved his brother, so he swallowed his pride and said, “Yes, I will listen to every word you say.”

    “And you will read that what is written? You promise me this?”

    “Yes, I promise.”

    The vicar waited until his brother had cleaned the house, and then said, “Good. I’ll be at the church soon, and I fancy a walk there. Now, there’s a service starting this evening. You may use the car to get there, but if you break your vow, then I will know.”

    The gay atheist agreed.

    Later, as the gay atheist was getting the car keys, the vicar came up to him and said, “Here is the way to Heaven, brother.”

    He handed him a pamphlet. On the front were the words: “The Arches, Villiers St, London WC2N 6NG.”

    “Take plenty of money,” said the vicar. “I hear the drinks are expensive.”

    1. That one definitely needs local knowledge (or a google) to understand it.

      cr

  45. One that was told to me, oh, hundreds of years ago by a school-friend – I don’t know if it’s really atheistical, but it’s certainly anti-Roman Catholic:

    An atheist died and was unpleasantly surprised to find himself at the gates of Heaven. St Peter appeared and told him that since he had lived so moral a life while on earth, he would be able to enter Heaven despite the atheism he had espoused in life, but he would have to choose a religion, since Heaven was divided up among the various religions, and there was no area for atheists.

    A cherub was told to guide him round all the areas. The atheist was shown various beautiful gardens – all beautiful in different ways according to the different religions. The Anglican heaven was filled with lawns, herbaceous borders, dogs and ever-flowing tea-pots; the Buddhist heaven was misty and filled with lotus flowers; the Islamic heaven was filled with – but I had better not describe it lest I be accused of indulging in pornography; in the Mormon heaven, a few drones were buzzing about pollinating countless flowers; and even the Jehovah’s Witnesses had a sort of transcendental vegetable patch…

    After a trek that would have been exhausting if you weren’t dead or supernatural, the cherub said, ‘Now we shall have a look at the last one of all, but I beg you to keep down and not to utter a word or make any noise.’ They crawled through some heavenly shrubbery, and, peeping out, the atheist saw before him the ancient walls of a huge castle from which emanated voices yelling orders, sounds of beating and whipping, and shrieks of pain. He turned to the cherub in surprise and asked, ‘Who the hell’s this lot?’

    ‘For God’s sake, shut up!’ replied the cherub in a fierce whisper. ‘It’s the Catholics – they think nobody else is here!’

  47. Oh, and this, one of my father’s:

    MacGregor spent his days idling and drinking, and on Sundays he never went to church despite being urged to do so by the local ‘Wee Free’ priest. One day, he upped and died, and found himself sizzling on a lake of fire. He looked up and saw God gazing fiercely down at him (probably with Tertullian at his side, but that wasn’t in the original).

    ‘Lord, Lord,’ wailed McGregor. ‘Ah didna ken…’

    And the Lord God, in his infinite mercy and compassion, said, ‘Well, ye ken noo!’

    As to whether McGregor had atheistical leanings, I don’t know, but his not going to church on Sunday might make us suspect something.

    *

    Which reminds me: when my closest friend, the actor and writer Alan Booth, was dying of cancer over twenty years ago, he suddenly said to me one day when I was with him: ‘Imagine – you die, and after you die, you discover it’s all bloody well TRUE! There’s God on a cloud, and…’ And we both dissolved into laughter.

    　

    1. Then there’s W.C. Fields: When he was in the hospital, dying, a friend was surprised to see him reading a Bible.

      “Bill! What are you doing with THAT!?”

      “Looking for loopholes.”

  48. Luke, a rabbi, is playing a round of golf with three other rabbis. They get into a heated discussion about an arcane element of their faith. Luke is on one side, the other three are against him. “Look,” says one of his playmates, “it’s three against one! Surely we are correct!”

    This goes on for another twelve holes. Finally Luke prays, “Lord, please show my brother rabbis the folly of their thoughts!”

    At that moment, the sky darkens, lightning flashes, and a deep, thunderous voice says, “Luke is correct!”

    The other three rabbis are much impressed, and they confer quietly for the longest time. At last one of them approaches Luke and says, “All right. Three against TWO!”

    1. Along the same lines: A group of conspiracy theorists were meeting at a restaurant. In the heat of the discussion, one man suffered a heart attack. He finds himself moving towards a light, and then he sees God. Immediately he asks him, “Before anything else, who shot JFK?”

      God replies, “It was Oswald, acting alone.”

      Just then the paramedics shock him back to life. He turns to his group and says, “The conspiracy goes deeper than we thought.”

  49. This guy goes for a stroll along the cliff-top when he stumbles and falls over the edge. Part way down he manages to catch hold of a small tree growing out of the cliff face.

    But his relief is short-lived as the tree starts to come loose under his weight. Desperately he looks up and shouts “Help! Help!Is there anybody up there?” He’s amazed when a vast, sepulchral echoing voice booms out “Yes my son. I am here. Trust in me. Let go and I will save you.”

    The guy looks down at the jagged rocks below, thinks for a moment, looks up and shouts plaintively “Is there anybody else up there?’

  50. Jiddu Krishnamurti told some good religion jokes. You can find a few at the following link,

    http://www.katinkahesselink.net/kr/jokes.html

    My favorite:

    You may remember the story of how the devil and a friend of his were walking down the street, when they saw ahead of them a man stoop down and pick up something from the ground, look at it, and put it away in his pocket. The friend said to the devil, “What did that man pick up?” “He picked up a piece of Truth,” said the devil. “That is a very bad business for you, then,” said his friend. “Oh, not at all,” the devil replied, “I am going to let him organize it.”

    1. Second favorite:

      A Catholic is standing on a mountain and looks down into the beauty of the valley. Suddenly he slips and falls down the cliff and is barely able to hold on to the branch of a tree that is growing there. Below him is an abyss of a thousand feet. He doesn’t know what to do, so he prays, ‘Please, Lord, help me. Save me from death.’ And a voice comes out of the sky and says, ‘Have faith, let go! And the man looks up and calls out, ‘Is there anybody else up there?”

  53. A very rich man was dying, and brought in his three best friends,his doctor, his minister, and his lawyer. He told them he knew he was dying and he gave each of them power of attorney over one-third of his fortune. But there was one condition, he wanted to take it with him, so he made each promise to bury their share of his money with him.
    Shortly afterward, he died. Following the ceremony, the deceased’s three friends went to the club for a drink in his memory.
    The doctor said: “I know that he wanted us to bury him with his money, but when I thought about how much good it would do, I donated it all to medical research.” The minister took a stiff slug of his whiskey and said: “I know how you feel. I donated it to our missionary work.”
    The lawyer stood up, indignant. “I’m ashamed of both of you. We promised him we’d bury him with his money. It wasn’t up to us to decide what the best use of it was. It was his money, we promised, and you broke your promises. I’m disgusted.”
    The minister sheepishly asks: “And did you bury him with his money?”
    The lawyer replied: “Just before they closed the coffin, I slipped in a check for the full amount.”

  55. Unfashionably late to the party, but here goes:

    An atheist, a vegan, and a crossfitter walk into a bar. I know because they told everyone within two minutes.

    (I’d never actually heard of CrossFit before, but the joke still made me smile.)

    1. I thought Crossfit was what they did for Jesus. Like, it wouldn’t have done to stick him on a cross that didn’t fit, would it?

      cr

      2. Very nice atheists jokes 2 jokes from my side

        1. Why don’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers!

        2. An atheist walked into a barbershop and asked for a haircut. The barber said, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.” The atheist replied, “That’s okay; I don’t believe in hair!”

        1. #1 has a chance at being considered humorous. #2 fails completely because of the false assumption all believers make.

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