Islamic Heaven: “A penis that never bends”

August 6, 2015 • 1:30 pm

This needs no comment save the YouTube description (below) and the gross sexual inequality it envisions in Muslim Heaven. But be sure to watch this hilarious 1.5 minute video!

Palestinian-Jordanian cleric Sheikh Mashhoor bin Hasan Al-Salman was asked during a fatwa show he posted on the Internet on June 7 whether a woman can have sex with her slave. He answered in the negative, adding that a woman may marry her slave, but then he becomes a free man and her master.

83 thoughts on “Islamic Heaven: “A penis that never bends”

  1. Isn’t it great that the internet exposes these fools to the ridicule of the entire planet within seconds?

    1. I wish it were the entire planet. Unfortunately, millions believe this flapdoodle.

      Also, something awry with his math. A man gets 70/72 virgins, but a woman gets only one man. A lot more women going to paradise then, unless, of course, the virgins are off-the-rack and already there.

        1. Waah!

          From my favourite sci-fi show, Red Dwarf:

          Q: Has the accused no friends?
          A: Only one, and she’s got a puncture.


      1. As far as I can tell, the man’s heaven is a woman’s hell. Most of the women will be somewhere else, free of men. But good grief, what a twisted attitude they have! You think they can’t be serious, but they really are.

  2. The problem is that these people are so ignorant that they believe their own hype and nothing can change their mind.

    A recent episode of Jon Stewart’s Daily Show had a correspondent go back and interview a few of the people that they had completely humiliated (via their own words) in the past. These people were not humiliated at all, they were grateful that the daily show put them on TV.

  3. Apparently the men that came up with this idea of 72 virgins (houris = “doe-eyed” women in some commentaries) were a bunch of horndogs whose “little head” was doing all the thinking.

    1. In a Koran translation I read last year, they were repeatedly described as having “dark eyes and swelling breasts.”

      Something I found interesting: in this translation, released something like ~100 years ago, all the Suras were rearranged in what was likely the order in which they were written. All the descriptions of virgins in paradise came in the earlier-written Suras, and the commentator speculated that this was because Mohammed had only one wife, 60 years old, when he wrote them. After he took several more younger wives, his depictions of paradise, as seen later in the book, were noticeably less sexual.

      So yeah, assuming he really existed, if that’s true it only confirms it’s a horny man’s fantasy.

  4. …and another book says: “One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring to bring them all, and in the darkness, bind them.”—The Dark Lord Sauron

    1. Doesn’t the small print in the koran say something about consulting a doctor for an erection lasting more than four hours….

      And then there is the peeing on target issue.

      1. Maybe there will be sex but no peeing?

        I’m always surprised by people who think that they will go to a place of *spirit*, leaving all material things behind, but expect to have sex in heaven. Really, heaven will just be like here, but with more sex? And God will be their pimp, providing eternal sex partners? Really?

        1. On the topic of another primitive drive–acquiring food–one of my early childhood questions as a Catholic kid inquiring about Heaven was, “Are there potatoes there?” (I love potatoes as well as Guinness, what can I say, my Irish roots won in the food category). Anyhow, my dad confidently answered that there are not potatoes because we don’t need food in Heaven. Naturally, my next question was why we couldn’t have it because we wanted it if it is paradise? His answer was the spiritual awards far outweigh any pleasures of the body.

          Fast forward nearly three decades to my mother-in-law’s funeral and the Deacon who came to the funeral pronounced that my mother-in-law is happily sitting at a big dining room table with Jesus having a feast. What the hell kind of feast doesn’t include potatoes? God surely works in mysterious ways…

          1. “What the hell kind of feast doesn’t include potatoes?”

            Well, just so you know what the hell kind of feast it is…er…hell? Sounds like the definition of hell, everything but not what you want.

    2. Especially if you are a practicing mohammedanist. Their prayer sessions must be … interesting.

  5. The misogyny is, as always, flabbergasting. He sits there with the same mien as good ole Pat Robertson, seriously considering his answers with a bunch of brainwashed people hanging off his every word. It’s like a parody, except it’s real.

    You’re never going to change the mind of someone like this. It’s tempting to see him as sad and pathetic, except people like him do such enormous damage.

    My optimism sees the availability of information via the Internet causing an Enlightenment in Islam over the next few years and leaving f**kwits like this behind. He, like Pat Robertson, will carry on, but hopefully become a similar object of mockery by the majority.

    1. Pat Robertson is 85 and looks like he won’t last too much longer. This guy looks younger and might be causing damage for some time to come. But, there is hope in your expectation that the internet could change things soon. Look at the Arab Spring. The effect of that was not as beneficial as one could have hoped, but, still…

    2. One can only hope. Hope for this — as you state, Ms Hastie: “become a similar object of mockery by the majority.”

      I, as does Derrick Jensen of, ordinarily loathe any wooish wishing — circa any concept of hope.

      However, with muck such as of these types of androcentric brains’ wavelengths present (still in y2015) within almost all of the World’s religions and with the help of the (scientific [heh heh heh]) interwebs, I shall consider the rarity of trying for same.


  6. I searched the Koran and Hadith online, to see if this penis-bending line was real. Couldn’t find it, but I learned that Islam places great emphasis on penis-washing and penis-holding (left hand only, please!).

    And people laugh at religion…

      1. Amazing. The Prophet used to urinate sitting down? Do Muslim men still do this?

        Also, this is a god who should find something more important to worry about: “When two persons go together for relieving themselves uncovering their private parts and talking together, Allah, the Great and Majestic, becomes wrathful at this (action).”

        Thanks for sharing this important resource!

        1. Yes, for a truly adherent Muslim man, he is supposed to piss while squatting.

          One of the things Burton had to do when he went to Mecca in order to not be discovered.

        2. “Amazing. The Prophet used to urinate sitting down? Do Muslim men still do this?”

          I supposed it makes sense in a culture where men all wear robes. No fly? To pee standing up, I guess you’d have to hike up your robe and expose yourself – something the Prophet seems to be somewhat prudish about. It does seem, though, that the Prophet didn’t anticipate *trousers*. Though, come to think of it, I wonder if one of the reasons men’s robes are sometimes still worn in the middle east is because the prohibition on standing while peeing makes pants inconvenient in countries where squat toilets are common? Really easy to pee on your pants while squatting, and peeing on yourself is a big Islamic sin (see my earlier link.)

          1. I’ve traveled a bit in Saudi Arabia. The standard latrines are a hole about five inches wide in an oblong bowl in the floor, with corrugated, non-slip foot pads. Go to Google image, “Muslim Latrine.” Left hand only for cleaning. That may be why only the right hand is permitted for collecting food from the community bowl in the middle of the table.

          2. And to be fair that is one of the only bits to make much sense. In a world with limited hygiene facilities it is probably a good idea to keep your crappy hand out of your food!

          3. So these countries are full of people walking around with shit on their left hand.
            They then touch everything except food with this hand so everything is covered in shit. Remind me never to go to tbese countries.

          4. Being both left-handed and a traveler in numerous 3rd-world countries, I long was very annoyed by the widespread injunction to 1) eat with the right hand only, and 2) never touch anyone (or their stuff) with the left hand. That is, until I was stuck in northern Malaysia for about a week, where toilets were primitive or absent, toilet paper (or ANY paper) was non-existent, soap not provided, washbasins rare and running non-polluted water hard to come by.

            I longed to be able to wash my hands, and learned to eat only with my right.

            In the long history of humankind, the above amenities which we now take for granted were unreliable at best and mostly unknown. Using your non-dominant hand to wipe your butt and dominant to eat with was a very useful social custom and probably helped to reduce spread of disease.

            And YES to another comment: you SHOULD assume that they all have shit on their left hands. That’s what they are assuming about you.

            Other than that, I think this thread is hilarious, especially “priapislam.”

          5. Ya, fer Christ sake, why can’t humans be like dogs. They just every once in a while scrape themselves on the carpet.

          6. Didn’t anticipate trains either. I recall reading some travelogue of darkest Africa where the author claimed you could always tell Christians from Muslims – Christians used the handbasin, Muslims (perilously) hung out of the door…

            (Meanwhile, in darkest New Zealand, I’m sure that on late-night trains after more than a few beers, the open platform of the rear carriage was put to good use… leeward side only, of course)


      2. “When anyone performs ablution he must clean his nose and when anyone wipes himself with pebbles (after answering the call of nature) he must do that odd number of times.”

        That makes a lot of sense.

      3. How in the world do you hold 3,5,7….stones to wipe yourself? Maybe women use an even number?? So glad to hear you’re not supposed to wipe with dung.

  7. Yeah,because everyone knows that all women want -in heaven – is monogamy with a guy who just wants to have sex for all eternity. I’m guessing we all know that amount of women who were actually consulted before coming up with their ideal paradise.

  8. A penis that never bends makes it damn difficult to walk around in public. Maybe those Arab robes have their advantages after all.

    But as for the 72 virgins (consecutively or concurrently?) I can’t see the appeal. Just give me two or three bad girls who know what to do…


      1. In this context, ‘bad’ means good. At it. And enthusiastic. (This is my heaven, remember. I make-a da roolz 😉

        Quite seriously, sex is much more enjoyable with a partner who knows what they’re doing.


    1. Perhaps they are OLD codger virgins, perhaps of the monk and nun variety?

      The whole subject of paradise, etc. is daft.
      Anything goes in fantasy.

  9. Great happiness that never does end
    could be a penis that never does bend
    but if from a Sharia-led sheik
    You may be stuck up poop creek
    No matter how far his willie extends.

    (with apologies to moderate Muslims for unintended offense
    and apologies to Christopher Hitchens for lack of internal rhymes which he regarded as the trademark of a great limerick [that’s when a word in middle of line rhymes with word at end of same line])

    1. (I’ll commit the crime of re-posting one I posted a couple of weeks back, but it seems apropos – )

      There was a young man from Kent
      Whose organ was terribly bent
      To save himself trouble
      He put it in double
      And instead of coming he went


    1. Go to the source of that video, MEMRI, and you’ll find plenty more. The trick is, they say one thing in English, for the non-Muslim audience, and another thing in Arabic (or Farsi or Urdu or…), for the Muslim audience. That’s why MEMRI exists: to translate what they really say when they think we’re not paying attention.

  10. What happens to female suicide bombers? They find themselves in Paradise: young, virginal, and beautiful- then they realize that they’re standing in line with 69 other women- screwed again!

    1. Errm, not screwed _again_. Technically speaking, if they’re virgins, it will be their first time.

      taking things too literally as usual…

    2. “What happens to female suicide bombers?” The same thing that happens to male ones & child ones – they die.

  11. Etiquette rule # 15: Say a prayer when exiting the toilet. I’ve done this: “Good Lord! Don’t go in there!”

  12. Philosophical question, sparked by the injustice and absurdity inherent in the descriptions of Muslim heaven (or Christian heaven, for that matter):

    If the characteristics of heaven were determined by consensus of all potential residents (rather than just one or a few self-appointed know-it-alls), what would it look like?

    Everyone on planet Earth gets to pick three characteristics. Tally them up and see what we get. Focus on the most popular 100 answers.

    Then – just to be a raving idealist – we set about, as a species, to accomplish those 100 goals here on earth.

    This might be one way to put John Rawls’ “Theory of Justice” into action: maximize justice and fairness by structuring a society, guided by self-interest, without foreknowledge of your future position in it.

    Someone could set up a website, and we could all start voting! Utilize “the wisdom of crowds!”

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