Yesterday was exactly the 1982nd anniversary of Jesus being nailed to the cross (2015 – 33), and tomorrow is the same anniversary of his resurrection. To prepare for the day, here’s a Jesus joke:
Little Jesus is playing in the sand outside of his dad’s workshop.
Suddenly he jumps up and runs to his father.
“What dad, what?”
“Oh, nothing—I just hit my thumb with a hammer.”
I’ll be here all week, folks. Meanwhile in Dobrzyn, Hili is fascinated by the video of the jaguar cub that Matthew posted the other day:
Baby jaguar
A: Hili, let’s go for a walk.
Hili: Not now.
In Polish:
Mały jaguarJa: Hili, idziemy na spacer?
Hili: Nie teraz.
.
(Jesus nailed to the cross): “John, come here, my son.”
John: “yes, Lord…”
Jesus: “I can see your house from up here.”
You won’t see Jesus walking on the water now that he has those holes in his feet!
Did you hear that Easter’s been canceled this year? Yeah, they found the body.
I actually wrote “Nail Day” in my work calendar for Good Friday, but then took it out, remembering I was new on the job. LOL! I work with some Catholics that take that stuff seriously but I think I also work with some atheists (at least I suspect).
🙂 I send out (and receive) “happy zombie day” e-mails to people, but tend to do it advisedly – although the advice can include knowingly irritating a few specific people.
“…and Jesus rose from his tomb, saw his shadow, and there was six more weeks of winter…”
Oops – this should not have been a reply.
Technically, Jesus isn’t a zombie – he’s more like a lich. Zombies are either incapable of independent thought or are controlled by another, whereas liches retain their former consciousness. One thing the gospels are fairly clear on with regard to the post-resurrection Jesus was that he was still pretty much his old (albeit transcended) self.
Interesting, it sounds like Voldemort was a kind of lich, though with his soul in more than one phylactery.
I recently got some withering glares for suggesting that “since we’re awfully close to Transylvania, perhaps we should do a full kill on this well – stake through the heart, cut the head off, stuff the mouth with garlic cloves. I’ve seen enough Hammer movies – and we don’t want this to come back to un-death on us.
Jesus, in heaven, walks past the Pearly Gates when St. Peter asks if he would watch them for a time. Jesus assents and a while later a grizzled old man, with white hair and a long white beard, haltingly makes his way to the gates.
Jesus asks him, “How did you spend your days on earth, my child?”
“I was a simple carpenter for 60 yrs.”
“And what is it you hope to find in heaven?”
“I’m looking for my son”
“But how do you possibly expect to recognize him? After all, there are millions of souls here.”
The old man answers, “I will know him from the marks on his hands and feet where the nails went in.”
Jesus stands back and stares at the old man intently.
“Father?” he asks.
The old man returns his gaze and says, “Pinnochio?”
Dammit, I’m supposed to be rexsalad, not re salad. How humiliating.
Great joke, though! 😀
Our cat Woodrow was lying next to me while I watched the Caturday video of a cat chasing a tortoise. Like Hili, Woodrow was glued to the screen, and pawed at it a few times.
Here’s one of my favorite jokes ever:
Sister Mary Catherine’s 1st grade class is preparing for a visit from their new priest, Father Gallagher, who has just arrived from Ireland. Sister instructs the students to stand up, say their name, and spell a word.
One of the students is Hispanic and is named Jesus Christ Gonzalez. Sister is concerned that Father will not be familiar with the practice of naming boys after Our Lord, and might be offended by it. So she asks the boy to say his name is “J.C. Gonzalez.”
The priest arrives, and the students begin their introductions:
“My name is Mary Margaret Cassidy and I’m going to spell cat.”
“My name John Thomas Kelly and I’m going to spell dog.”
And so on until little J.C.’s turn:
“My name is J.C. Gonzalez, and I’m going to spell hippopotamus.”
Sister is horrified and exclaims, “Jesus Christ, not that!”
And Father says, “God damn it, give him a chance!”
The funniest part of this joke, to me, is the back story. It was told to me, when I was a little girl, by my sweet – but uber Catholic – grandmother.
Jeannine aka pghwelshgirl
My favorite season joke is around getting a roof over ones head.
Jesus walks into an inn, puts four nails on the counter and says “can you put me up for the night?”
???????????
OK, I’ve read the joke three times and I still don’t get it. Someone unpack it for this heathen!
Okay, I was too embarrassed to admit I didn’t get it at first, either. But now that I have company . . .
The joke implies, but does not state outright, that when Joseph hit his thumb with the hammer, he cried “Jesus Christ!” And that’s what made J.C. come running.
And in full disclosure, I didn’t figure this out on my own, but had to ask my husband, who got it right away.
Ah OK, thanks! That’s funny. Curse my religious impairment!
What still gets me is how the Christians have it all backwards and perverted, just like how they characterize Satan worshippers.
You see…Springtime should be the celebration of the birth when everything else is being born — but Christians celebrate death at this time.
And the winter solstice, when the Sun reaches its lowest point in the sky and stays there a few days before gloriously rising into the sky again…that should be the celebration of the death and resurrection.
So…yeah. Christianity really is a perverted death cult, and it’s right there in their most sacred symbolism.
b&
Well, they treat Satan like crap anyway and the poor guy got booted out of heaven for having independent thought.
D’oh that was my smart ass comment. I don’t know why wordpress thought I was Anonymous. It’s probably because I replied from a new Android tablet & messed everything up.
Reminds me of a place I used to work….
b&
the sometimes hilarious, always offensive comic Cyanide and Happiness has a few good easter comics.
http://explosm.net/comics/1214/
Paging Diane, with respect to that comment I just made about the ubiquity of Zombie Jesus….
b&
This is a Christmas joke, but I think still relevant:
Joseph and Mary are sitting in the stable with their new baby when, to their surprise, three very well dressed men walk in. The first walks over to the manger where the baby is lying, sets a small, ornate chest on the floor and opens it to reveal the shiny metal inside. “Gold for the King of Heaven”, he says.
Next the second man walks over and sets down a small aromatic container on the floor next to the gold, saying, “Frankincense for the King of Heaven.”
The third man then starts for the manger carrying a large, unwieldy jar, but before he gets there he loses his grip on it and drops it on his foot. “Jesus Christ!” he exclaims.
Mary turns to Joseph and says, “You know, I think I like that better then ‘Herschel’.”
Along those lines: Mary and Joseph went to see a rabbi for some relationship counseling. Joseph said, “As you can see, my bride is expecting.”
“Congratulations!” said the rabbi.
Joseph leaned close, and in a conspiratorial whisper said, “But rabbi, I think someone else might be the father.”
The rabbi said, “In cases like this, it’s best to be direct,” then, addressing Mary, he said, “My daughter, who is the father of your child.”
Mary looked towards the ceiling and said, “It’s the man upstairs.”
Joseph looked at her in horror and shouted, “What? You slept with the landlord?”
Okay, just one more:
Jesus is carrying his cross up Calvary Hill, when he stumbles under its weight. A kind man named Simon offers to help him carry the cross.
Jesus accepts the offer, but says he wants to smoke a cigarette first. Jesus pulls out a pack, lights one, then offers one to Simon.
Simon lights up, then looks at the pack: “Raleighs, huh?”
“Yup,” says Jesus.
“Do you collect the coupons?” asks Simon.
Jesus takes a drag on the cigarette, then replies “How do you think I got the cross?”
Hili: what a handsome fellow, come to me!
Two tasteless jokes:
“Hey mate, do you mind crossing your feet, I’m down to me last nail.”
“I don’t care who you are, you can’t bring that cross through ‘ere!”