Coyne’s Third Rule for Life

March 2, 2015 • 5:17 pm

As I believe I’ve mentioned before, when I was about twelve I decided to compile a list of “Coyne’s Rules for Life”: a series of simple instructions that, I supposed, would improve everyone’s existence.  Ah, I was a lad full of hauteur then!  But I still maintain that the first two rules,  formulated at that early age, are useful. I never got past the second rule.

But now I’d like to report that, more than half a century later, I’ve come up with Rule #3!

First, let’s review rules #1 and #2:

Rule 1: When you’re buttoning your shirt or sweater, always start with the bottom button, and work your way up. (That way you’re sure not to put a button in the wrong hole.) Everyone should do this!

Rule 2: When running the water for a bath or tuning on a shower, turn the cold water on first, then add the hot. In that way you won’t scald yourself when testing the water.

And now I present the the rule I formulated today after nearly bumping into someone on the street at high speed, and then engaging in one of those “body-jousting contests” in which each person moves to the same side so that bumping is not avoided. Sometimes the mutual side-stepping can go on several times. The solution?:

Rule 3: When you are walking down the sidewalk, or in the street, and encounter another human or bicycle about to  bump into you, stop walking and stand in place! The other person or vehicle will swerve to avoid you, and thus avoid a collision.

I invite readers to add to these rules. Remember, these are Rules for Life, which differ from “Laws of Life,” like “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.” I am asking for practical hints that will help nearly everyone.

540 thoughts on “Coyne’s Third Rule for Life”

  1. I always start buttoning from the top, for the same reason of button alignment. Does this mean I’m a glass half-empty kind of guy?

    1. I align the collars and work my way down. The extra buttons sewn on at the bottom have tricked me before!

  3. I don’t really go with rule 1 or 2. I start buttoning my shirt somewhere, randomly, in the middle. I never get the wrong hole. All my water valves are mixers. I know the setting I like. But I usually start off all hot just to clear the cold water that has been sitting in the pipes and then scale back. As far as rule three, I veer right.

    1. I believe that is correct in piloting an airplane and also in boats…veer to your right.

      1. For boating, that’s definitely the standard practice established recommended by Chapman Piloting & Seamanship,the bible of small craft handling, for power boats approaching each other. It gets a bit more complicated when one or both boats is a sailboat, due to the relative difficulty of a sailboat heading up into the wind, and the relative ease of it falling off to leeward. So, for example, when a power boat is approaching a sailboat, it should pass to the weather side, whether that side is to port or starboard.

        1. > Chapman Piloting & Seamanship,the bible of >small craft handling

          Hate to be pedantic, Chapman is a great book, but Bowditch is THE bible. Chapman is somewhat derivative, though more modern.

          1. Yes, I believe Chapman himself acknowledged the primacy of Bowditch.

            As to the pedantry, just as a gentleman never heads to weather with guests aboard, neither should he point out publicly the errors in a fellow seaman’s nautical citation. 🙂

          2. Just to be clear, when you say “heads to weather”, does that refer to where he points the boat, or which side he “goes to the bathroom”?

          3. Definitely the first; probably the second.

            Whatever you do, avoid relieving yourself over the weather rail — or risk discovering the wisdom of the caution against “pissing in the wind.”

    3. The veering direction dilemma reminds me of my recent cycling trip in Thailand.
      Thailand is the same as here in Oz where you drive on the left, however motorbikes are encouraged (with signage) to stay to the left of the road behind he white line.
      What is also allowed is for motorcycles to drive either direction in that left lane.
      Of course as cyclists we were also encouraged to ride in this left lane but alas were not told that motorcycles could come at us head on.
      I quickly learned that when this happens you pass on the right, but don’t forget that they drive on the left.
      The cycling tour was fantastic however and I recommend it.

      1. Oh yes, I forgot to mention that my method of avoiding the veering direction dilemma while walking is to look down and never veer.
        When people approaching you see that you aren’t looking, they always veer themselves.

        1. I look steadfastly past the approaching person, looking in the direction I intend to go. Usually works, just don’t make eye contact.

    4. In Australia it is confusing because we drive on the left, so we are left in a quandary as to what to do. And we rarely get it right. It’s not bad running into people though. Sometines I do it on purpose. For example, if Philomaena Cunk was on a collision course I would pretty make sure it happened

  5. Rule 1: I have agreed with this rule, especially now for me.

    Rule 2: I have never had a case like yours, nor will I ever do that before dying.

    Rule 3: If you make no mistake, well, you get the consequences. You can watch everyone who obeys your rule get terrible consequences. Getting out the way can be awful, and could easily great getting out the way.

  6. Rule 4: Never put your glasses or your keys or your wallet down in a random place, especially your glasses.

    2. There is a saying for this and the idea is to look at or feel for the item as you say it –
      “Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch”.
      Well, maybe not reach for the ‘you know what’.

      2. this is actually a comment on the catholic crossing themselves it shows where the hand goes about the body

        1. I first heard it as a story about a priest and the rabbi who lived next door; the priest mystifies the rabbi one day with congratulations on his conversion to the true faith, noting that he’d seen him crossing himself as he walked out the door on several recent mornings…

  8. When turning on a gas burner under your pot or pan, always make sure it ignites properly before turning away. Also, never turn on a barbecue burner with the lid down.

  9. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups

    Do not step on bright green sphagnum moss, this will end badly for you

      1. I did that once on a walking tour in the Outer Hebrides. It looked like the driest spot anywhere near me. Wrong! I went up to my thighs in the mire….

        2. In Upper Michigan where I spent time there are many spruce bogs which have carpets of sphagnum moss floating on them. The bogs are characterized by wet, acid, and nutrient-poor soils. In association with the black spruce, there are the always amusing pitcher plants and sundews.
          The moss is so thick in places it easily supports your weight and provides a spring to your step. Not to be missed.

          1. In Ireland one of the most common hollow species is bright green. Part of my training as a botanist did involve running across a bog, the winner was who got to the sign first and driest. I won got to the sign first and was very dry. The sign read “Warning Bogholes” pointing in the direction we had come from.

  10. When a phone conversation gets dropped, the caller should call back. That way, if the call keeps getting dropped, the same person continues to call instead of instigating a game of phone ping pong.

    1. That’s another rule I have, but I didn’t put it in the pantheon for some reason. It’s a great rule. You just have to make sure that everyone you talk to regularly knows the rule.

      2. Fortunately, even if your friends don’t know the rule, it only screws things up if you initiated the dropped call. Then you may have a problem. But as soon as you get reconnected, you can inform them of the convention (and its status as a rule for life) and they’ll naturally adopt it right then and there. That’s how I operate anyway. 😛

        If they initiated the call and you never call back, they’ll eventually give in and call, unintentionally fulfilling the convention.

    2. In Australia, everyone just waits for everyone else to ring back, so dropped telephone conversations tend to be permanent.

  11. I have one primary rule of life: keep living.

    I also have one important observation: don’t put your expensive trifocals eyeglasses on top of your car while checking the mailbox and then back out of the driveway and take off using a lead foot.

    1. Oh my gosh, it took me years to realize I must not put anything on top of my car; forgetting about it is the rule not the exception. I can’t count how many times I have arrived at work with coffee running down my rear window. The time I arrived with my laptop barely clinging to my luggage rack shook my lack of faith in guardian Angels.

      1. I once honked and waved at a guy for two blocks because he had left his tennis racquet on top of his car. I gave up when he gave me the finger. The last I saw of him, he was getting on the on-ramp of the interstate.

    2. in addition, always put glasses/sun glasses AWAY, rather than tossing them in the seat as you exit your vehicle to avoid turning bifocals into butt-focals. had to learn the hard way a couple of times, as I have yet to evolve an eye to see where my butt is heading.

      1. My newest car has a glasses compartment above the front window in the middle. One finger push to open and close. Padded too.

        2. I took the metal clip thing from an old garage door opener and use it to clip my sun glasses to the visor, as my current heap lacks such intelligently designed compartments.

      2. Another good one for glasses.

        Never go into the ocean with glasses you would like to keep, even if you are sure you won’t be going under.

  12. Never make unflattering comments about your boss to a colleague.

    However well you might think you know them they could be having a secret affair, and your boss may not appreciate being told of your opinions.

    1. That is covered by my father’s blanket advice to never “sh**t where you eat.” Also, even when egged on by a superior, don’t badmouth other managers, peers or subordinates: managers are the least trustworthy people in any organization.

    3. Never make unflattering comments to other people about any one particular person that you are not willing to make to said one particular person’s face.

    1. I think whoever does the best flourishing bow for the other gets to keep standing still. The other person has to give them applause as they walk by.

          2. Acutally, I think the best response is to just start dancing right from the first bump.

            Does anyone remember the bump? Used to be a favorite move back in my early dancing days.

          3. http://youtu.be/vAfthQTqj24

            I even remember the B-side: “Janes, Jeans and Might-Have-Beens”.

            It was a studio creation with session museums, and the band in the video (who can’t lip-sync to save their lives) were created just for publicity purposes … with predictable consequences.

            /@

          4. Ha Ha! I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen that before. Those guys stink at doing The Bump!

    3. Not too long ago I used rule 3 on the highway. I was already faster than the average, being in the process of passing a knot of traffic, when somebody with around 50 km/h speed differential came diagonally across multiple lanes behind me, and we saw each other only a few seconds before a collision.

      He ended up passing me on the shoulder in a cloud of dust, and thought better of doing the same with the next car some 200m ahead.

    4. My version of rule 3 (not original; I read it somewhere many years ago.) Just look at the other person’s feet. Has worked without fail these many years, and it allows one to keep moving.

      1. Well, you don’t look at the person at all, you just keep looking in the direction you intend to go. Unless it’s Philomena Cunk. Then you look at her and keep going in her direction.

  15. How bad is the bumping? Bumping into bicycle can really hurt people badly. How is professor Jerry Coyne doing?

    I sort of, enjoy seeing people button their shirts wrong… Their minds might be somewhere else, perhaps in deep thinking, or,

      1. Did anyone besides me ever get a creepy vibe from the Mr. Rogers Show when they were a kid? I always felt kind of bad about it because for all I know he was a genuinely nice person, but I never like that show.

        1. I didn’t much like him when I was a kid, but grew to appreciate him when I had kids of my own. I think he was a genuinely nice guy and I heard that he wore thst cardigan to cover the tattoos from when he was a Navy Seal ( might be apocryphal).

          1. Urban Legend Alert! Mr. Rogers was never in the military, much less as a Navy SEAL. Snopes.

        2. So glad somebody else thought so. I thought Mr. Rogers was the embodiment of the old guy you were warned about in those talks at school. Why did he hold eye contact for so long? Why was he so interested in little kids? I was used to being treated with offhand, affectionate scorn by adults and this interest was a little too much. And this guy from Speedy Delivery? His name? Mr. McFeely? Years later, two of my kids wrote to Mr. Rogers and he sent back personal letters to each of them. I felt bad about my being creeped out, but it was an honest mistake.

  16. Works for all ages – mandatory after 50

    Sit down to put on socks and/or lean against something. (focusing on object with one foot up no longer ensures balance.)

    No matter how graceful you think you are, never do stairs without holding onto railings (holding on goes for everyday obstacle courses too)

    1. another sit-down rule, works for all ages but ought to be mandatory after 50*: sit down to urinate, especially after consuming alcohol or late at night/early in the morning.

      *more of a guy thing I guess. I’m not about to suggest a rule for women. and, for the nay-sayers who criticize me, say what you will, tease me for being a “sitzpinkler” as the Germans call it, but never again will I clean the bathroom floor after failing to lift the lid because I was half asleep!

      2. rule/suggestion does not apply during daylight hours, I mean, really, peeing standing up is just one of those great things about being a guy after all!

      3. The rule for women is don’t try to pee standing up unless straddling the toilet.

          1. Okay. Universal (male/female) rule, which becomes more cogent as you get older:

            Pee when you can.

            Saves much agony when the need arises later and there’s nowhere to go…

      4. I’ve always felt that sitting down to pee is the proper thing to do at any age, even for males. With the exception of urinals of course, and perhaps for public restrooms in general.

        But at your home? At someone elses home? Sitting down is much neater, and it really doesn’t take much longer.

        Which brings us to another rule to live by.

        X) If you sprinkle when you tinkle please be neat and wipe the seat.

        1. Always leave the seat up, so the cretins who are too lazy to lift it before they pee will have more trouble pissing on the seat. Always clean up after a standing pee, and clean up before sitting.

        2. And oy, yes. It isn’t manly to pee sitting down. One runs the risk of getting a precious member wet, and the bend in the urethra backs up urine that is expelled on the seat and floor when one arises.

  17. Rule 2 First Amendment. After adding the hot water to set the desired bath temp, immediately turn on the cold tap again for the second or two needed to clear the residual hot water in the tap. This will prevent RHWS (Residual Hot Water Scalding) syndrome.

  18. I’ve become a big fan of Jim’s Rule of Buts.

    Jim’s Rule of Buts states, “In any charged conversation, find any statements containing the conjunction ‘but’ and reverse the clauses.”

    Google it for more, but as an example, instead of saying “I’m sorry I threw away that thing you love, but you should clean up around here occasionally,” you should say “You should clean up around here occasionally, but I’m sorry I threw away that thing you love.”

    Ok, don’t google it; here’s the link http://highclearing.com/index.php/archives/2015/01/10/18333

    1. Never use “but” when “and” will do. And never, ever include “but” in an apology (also, avoid apologizing in the first place). “I’m sorry I [said or did x], but …” completely wipes out all value of everything before the “but.”

      3. Agreed. Explaining what led to your doing whatever it is you need to apologize for is one thing and may be perfectly appropriate. But, “but” is turning it into an excuse for why you don’t really need to apologize.

  19. When telling someone your phone number, either live or as a voice mail message, give the first three numbers, pause, the next three numbers, pause, the next two numbers, pause, and the final two numbers. They’re writing it down, and the pauses are crucial.

    2. In a voicemail, say your number straightaway, then repeat it twice at the end, chunked as regionally appropriate as you suggest, and slowly.

    3. Leave your number slowly and clearly at the beginning of the message and again at the end. If they didn’t get it the first time they won’t have to wait through your rambling to get it again.

      If I don’t understand your hurried/mumbled number, I’m not calling back.

  20. Linda’s First Rule of Food: Beware of anything that’s masquerading as something else. (Eg: fake meat, margarine, soy cheese)

    Linda’s First Rule of Living: Never get involved in other people’s soap operas.

    Linda’s Other Rule of Living: For every dishonesty, there is a price paid. It may be paid willingly; it may be paid knowingly, but it is paid, nonetheless.

  21. Buttoning up or down, I frequently make mistakes. I follow rule number 2 but it often gets sabotaged when the washing machine is on or the garden is being watered. Life is hard.

  22. Always chew gum while playing the banjo. Unless, of course, you are on a rocket ship.

  23. Rule 1a
    Whenever possible substitute a T shirt for a buttoned shirt

    Food Rule #1
    Never eat anything that is still moving

    2. I was going to post that for all men in the form of, “Always check your fly before leaving the bathroom.”

      All humans: Never turn your back on your face. (Whatever that means.)

    3. I have an odd behavior with slacks: if they are the kind that have the inner clasp, I almost always forget to zip up. I think I am programmed by jeans and shorts to do two things (three if you count buckling your belt), and the obvious rule might be “check your zipper twice” but it just doesn’t stick!

  26. regarding walking down the hall or sidewalk and avoiding that little dance you do as you try to figure out who is going to what side: my strategy is to just pick a side and avoid eye contact. My thinking is eye contact suggests (and to some extent you are) that you are trying to read or engage them.

    I do the same thing when standing on the street corner and about to cross the street and someone also approaches the intersection and wants to turn into my path. I just turn away, maybe take my phone out. That way they know I am not going and we avoid the awkward “no YOU go” dance.

    1. Someone I knew did a study of people in this situation and found that the slight turn of the eyes left or right was a strong indicator of where someone would move, and it seems most people subconsciously understand this. I tested the idea and found it to hold quite well. If you glance, just slightly, to the right while approaching, the oncoming person will pass you cleanly by moving opposite.
      Thus, clinches my be the result of eyes wandering. I did not test the effect of crossing my eyes, but it might lead to a clumsy pas de deux.

      1. Or, if you are looking for a bit of fun, indicate right with your eyes but go left.

      2. I second this as this is what I do too. Either look to the side you want to take, or ever so slightly twist your upper body this direction (it doesn’t need much). Works a treat.

  27. My mother taught me rule one and I often use it for buttoning my coats that have buttons.

    Another good rule with water – no matter what you think you’ve set the tap to give you, check it quickly by dashing your finger in and out (unless it is obviously steaming). Don’t do what I do and fully commit right away because your nervous system takes too long to registers the “ow” and you will scald yourself. I am embarrassed to say I did this so many times, I had to dial back the heat that came out of those taps (but the heat setting was scary unsafe).

    Also, when walking up stairs start with the right leg for no reason. It just seems correct. This goes for entering rooms as well.

    Don’t eat broccoli. It is a weird texture, smells funny and will make you fart.

    If you have to wear a gown at the hospital and they are cloth (you’re SOL if these are paper because there is no dignity in paper), put one gown to open in the front and the other gown to open in the back. That way you are covered and they can denude you outside the waiting area (I picked this up when I saw a lady do this when waiting for a mammogram. I told everyone else in the waiting area how that lady had this down pat!)

    Always put your toilet paper under, despite what the haters say 😀

    3. On New Year’s Eve, a woman stood up at a local pub and said it was time to get ready for the midnight countdown. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to stand next to the one person who made his life worth living. As the clock struck midnight, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

      Oh, we aren’t telling jokes? Never Mind – Emily Litella (Gilda Radner)

  28. Breakfast rule #1: Dry cereal first, then milk.

    Breakfast rule #2: Cold pizza, fruit pie (and ice cream), and any wine or beer left over from the night before ARE acceptable breakfast foods, especially for university students, bachelors, and other lazy folk (addendum: fish out any drowned drosophila before consuming any unattended alcohol)

    Orwell’s rule for tea: “one should pour tea into the cup first. This is one of the most controversial points of all; indeed in every family inBritain there are probably two schools of thought on the subject. The milk-first school can bring forward some fairly strong arguments, butI maintain that my own argument is unanswerable. This is that, by putting the tea in first and stirring as one pours, one can exactly regulate the amount of milk whereas one is liable to put in too much milk if one does it the other way round”.

    -from George Orwell’s essay “A Nice Cup of Tea” which may be violated in case of coffee, because well, who has the time to be logical at 5 a.am.?!

      1. And don’t set the breakfast table with salt in a bowl and sugar in a shaker … as one B&B landlady did to my confusion (and, as I ate my cornflakes, disgust).

        /@

      2. For want of milk I once intentionally tried to eat my cereal with the only liquid available besides tap water. That was cranberry juice. It doesn’t work very well.

        What made it doubly disappointing was that I am not really a cereal person period. But I was in a hurry and cereal was the quickest thing in the pantry I could come up with. I’d much rather have a cheeseburger, a tuna melt, or something like that for breakfast than most traditional breakfast foods.

    2. Dry cereal is poison. “A cowboy once said that he’d as soon ride into the wind with a funnel in his mouth as to try and make a meal out of Post-Toasties.” (J. Frank Dobie)

      Milk is for babies (under 5 or 6).

  29. Every firefighter knows that when you go to join two hoses, one fireman looks away and the other does the screwing, so to speak. If both are attempting the connection, it may never happen!

  30. Whenever you think of something you need to take with you, stop what you’re doing and put it in your suitcase/jacket pocket/car trunk/bike pannier/AT THAT VERY MOMENT.

    3. Yes, that’s a good one. Also, if you think of something in the middle of the night, including remembering dreams, WRITE IT DOWN or you’ll forget it. You may think that you won’t, but you will.

      1. I need a notepad in the shower. I always think of things there (even used to figure out solutions to math or physics problems when I was in the shower (in college)).

        1. I have a small voice recorder on a lanyard around my neck. It sits on my bedside table but that doesn’t work too well. Mostly I try to hear the brilliant thoughts that woke me in the night and get mmmrble, gworgle,mumble mumble.

          2. “… Slightly off topic–do those who express attraction to Philomena Cunk realize what they are revealing. She is attractive but not unusually so. I wonder if they are attracted to the idea that she is (more than)a bit thick.”

            Quite the contrary, my dear.

      2. In the book, “A Child’s Garden of Grass,” the author tells of the time when, high on pot, he got this most WONDERFUL idea. He (miraculously) found a pencil and paper and wrote it down. When he woke up sober he (miraculously) remembered that he had had this wonderful insight while he was high, but didn’t remember what it was. He ran to the table and read the note: “This room smells funny!”

          4. Eau d’PCC… I like it. Undernotes of leather has to be in it along with lingering whiffs of spices like saffron, jasmine and habanero (Memories of Noms).

    4. Another version of this rule is: when you think of a perfect gift for someone, even if the occasion is many months away, write it down.
      I wish I could make myself follow this rule.

    1. Really good ideas, especially those of high merit, are commonly resented–and stolen.

      However, people who steal ideas always screw them up so badly that it doesn’t make much sense to worry about it.

      Isn’t it tragic that, as P. T. Barnum said, “People WANT to be humbugged!” Nowadays people expect a PowerPoint and a pack of well-packaged lies and they don’t believe good news when they hear it.

  32. Scote’s Rule for Cat Petting:

    Always used two hands to pet a cat on dry, static generating days.

    Use one hand to keep contact with the cat (preferably to a toe bean) to stay grounded to the cat and prevent static build up.

  33. The two primary rules for Infantrymen in combat (I have followed these ever since I learned them):

    1.) Eat when you can.
    2.) Sleep when you can.

    Most grunts in combat don’t have much control over anything else…

    1. From a graduate of the FBI Academy, learned during surveillance training:

      Never pass up a bathroom.

      1. Oh yes I was going to add to mine – always pee before leaving esp if in a car. If you have to pee a little and hit traffic, you’re going to be thinking how to pee while in the traffic jam.

        1. I got stuck in a four hour traffic jam on the 401 where I learned a new senior skill. I can now work the stick, the clutch, the brake and the steering wheel and pee in a bottle at the same time.

          1. Yet another advantage that men have over women. Just shows what a misogynistic bastard G*d was when he was designing people 😉

          4. I have an idea for pants for seniors with the traffic problem. Make the fly keep going instead of stopping at the bottom where they do now. When I told my partner about it, she smiled and said,’You wouldn’t have to be a senior to enjoy those.’
            I must be getting old–I didn’t get it right away.

      2. Wasn’t something similar attributed to
        former King Edward VII? “Never pass up a chance to visit the bathroom.” As monarch, he often found himself trapped in very public situations, unable to excuse himself.

        1. I think it was Winston Churchill “always make use of the toilet whenever it is available” or something similar

  34. When a solicitor comes to your door, just say “no thank you” and shut the door. The chance that you will hurt the feelings of a nice person is far outweighed by the likelihood that rejecting him or her is going to be made worse by hearing them out – or, more terrible, there is the possibility you will cave and purchase something you do not want or need.

    Children selling cookies or wrapping paper are an exception (but not magazines!), and only if you recognize them and/or can be sure they represent a local school and are not indentured servants to a shady door-to-door candy pimp.

    I broke my rule and indulged a young man a couple of weeks ago because he seemed so sincere and well-spoken. I was actually ready to buy something – until I found that he was selling “lifestyle bundles” of magazines and had none that were less than $150. I offered him a $20 bill and he said he wasn’t “allowed” to take it, but I managed to wear him down – it was probably more than he would have made off the sale.

    Never again!

    1. Your first paragraph is a good one for women. Women often feel they must consider the feelings of the person who is annoying them which means they tolerate unwanted affections from the opposite sex, pushy salespeople or paternal doctors. Don’t feel you have to be nice. Screw those assholes for pissing you off; they should feel lucky they got away with only their feelings hurt.

      1. For women and men, it’s a good idea to tell the intruder that you know they are just trying to make a living but that your policy is to never respond to solicitations. Unless, of course, you are asked how much for a #^<k–then just walk off. If they follow you, call the cops or pepper-spray the jerks.

      2. But be careful not to be angry with them. Or show any sort of emotion. They will just find an excuse to find that seductive. Not good for you. Not good for them. The solution is cold indifference and three firm answers: no, no, and no.
        Pam taught me that…though I still send her a home-made card for her birthday every year…which, coincidentally, is today.

  36. The first I learned from my dad, and often share with my munchkins:

    Always remember these three little words – Don’t Argue!

    The second is a recent family tradition –
    when all else fails, join together and sing “Oy Vey” to the tune of Jingle Bells, as in

    Oy Vey, Oy Vey
    Oy all the Vey
    Oy Vey Oy Vey
    Oy Oy Vey Eh!

        1. To enumerate, after saying that you might get the reply that it’s only two words, but it’s actually three.

  37. I judge behavior this way: if it doesn’t hurt another person, an animal, or the environment, then it’s nobody’s business.

    Marion

      1. Gotta be awkward, haven’t ya?

        Contrived exceptions aside, I think Marion’s dictum is an excellent one that could well be heeded by the officious busybodies that beset us.

          1. Don’t read too much into my comment, it was a generalisation and I didn’t have anyone specifically in mind…

          2. Sorry, infinite! I didn’t stop to think what that might imply about your comment!

          3. While I was afraid I might inadvertently have implied something in my comment.

            No worries, it’s easy to overthink these things. “Did he mean…” “Did she mean…”?

            Umm, assume not. 🙂

  38. A couple that I don’t have to worry about anymore (and probably don’t need to be said for most in this crowd either), but:

    No workplace romance. Chances are it’s not going to work out, and it just becomes really awkward for everybody in the office after the breakup.

    Don’t hit on your waitress, especially if you’ve been drinking. She’ll let you know if she likes you, but no matter how cool you think you are, you’re probably just another customer.

    1. And if she seems like she likes you, there’s a very good chance that she’s just angling for a bigger tip – said chances increasing in direct proportion to the number of trips around the sun you have taken than she.

      1. Or she has to put up with your shit because she doesn’t want to lose her job. I still recall often how awful it was to have middle aged men hit on me when I was a 17 year old waitress.

        3. Diana, I’m posting this here so you will see it, if you haven’t heard about it before. A Youtube video of that very important documentary in the news this week, India’s Daughter. I hope you get to watch it before it’s taken down – not likely to happen but India is trying to force Youtube to take it down. BBC is so courageous for airing and posting it.
          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Tfaurfg7EQ

          6. I heard about it only through an Indian friend’s FB status. She thinks they shouldn’t even interview this guy.

          8. Having seen the documentary, I wholeheartedly disagree with her. The film reveals much of what is in the mentality of those sick bastards.

          9. Yes I disagree too but I’m not going to start a discussion about it with her. 🙂

          10. Arrgh! Having watched it, I can say that whatever’s in their alleged mentality, it’s not remorse.

          12. That link is down, now, too. I did as you suggested, searched “India’s Daughter” inside YouTube, and found another. I’ve just finished watching it, and I still cannot believe she survived even a hour after what they did to her — despite my medical and surgical background. This deserves its own thread, though. Now and here are not the best place. Just know, any who read this, that our American media gave us barely the tip of the iceberg. You need to see this to believe it. No wonder it stirred the protests inside India and recognition outside India that it did. Know I understand why.

          14. Since this thread is already so random, why not add this fun poem about coming back as an oyster, which I just ran across in The New Yorker: (the poem, not the oyster)

            REINCARNATION by Ellen Bass

            Who would believe in reincarnation
            if she thought she would return as
            an oyster? Eagles and wolves
            are popular. Even domesticated cats
            have their appeal. It’s not terribly distressing
            to imagine being Missy, nibbling
            kibble and lounging on the windowsill.
            But I doubt the toothsome oyster has ever
            been the totem of any shaman
            fanning the Motherpeace Tarot
            or smudging with sage.
            Yet perhaps we could do worse
            than aspire to be a plump bivalve. Humbly,
            the oyster persists in filtering
            seawater and fashioning the daily
            irritations into lustre.
            Dash a dot of Tabasco, pair it
            with a dry Martini, not only
            will this tender button inspire
            an erotic fire in tuxedoed men
            and women whose shoulders gleam
            in candlelight, this hermit praying
            in its rocky cave, this anchorite of iron,
            calcium, and protein, is practically
            a molluskan saint. Revered and sacrificed,
            body and salty liquor of the soul,
            the oyster is devoured, surrendering
            all—again and again—for love.

          15. In that case, and, in that vein, enjoy this: ? 5- “Sweet Zoo” Barbra Streisand – My Name Is Barbra – YouTube! It’s only a minute and a half.

          20. “india’s Daughter” is going to be on TV this week in Toronto area. Maybe PBS, maybe CBC – csn’t remember. I’ve set it to tape and can look up the channel if anyons’sinterested.

          21. I think it’s going to be on CBC. I need to set my DVR. Also the scientology documentary will be on HBO March 16.

    2. When I was coming into adolescence, a cowboy I respected said, “Son, don’t chase after wimmen–just be ready.”

  39. Keep a pen and pad of paper in every room. Write down what you just now thought of because you won’t remember it 2 minutes later. Of course, you do have to remember to check your little reminder notes often.

    1. Pen & paper? I use the Notes on my iPhone for most things, calendar for appointments and the shopping list app for things to buy. And the phone is in every room with me.

      1. That reminds me….

        Always have a hardcopy backup of all your very important contact info and other necessary info. Technology will fail, sooner or later.

        2. That’s what clouds are for. Hard copy is still a must for passwords though.

          Just the other week I was fixing something on a coworkers computer when I noticed a file calles “Passwords.” I shit you not. I said “uhhhh . . ., that’s really not a very good idea. You’re making it way to easy.”

          They said, “Well, there isn’t anything really important on there, and half of them are out of date anyway.”

          Not more than a week later that list of passwords was scooped up by some password collecting malware and pretty much every current account on the list was compromised. The mess is still being cleaned up.

          1. I use phrases or words that remind me of the password, eg. your maternal g.gmum’s maiden name and your age. Then if anyone wants to find out they have to do a family history search on my mum’s family. Also things like ‘let your dreams take flight5’ means something definite to me but it’s a bit cryptic to anyone who didn’t know me 30 years ago.

          2. This is why I keep my current password (they make us change it every few weeks!) written on a Post-it note stuck on the frame of my monitor. To stop IT spotting it and hassling me I’ve written it on the back side of the note.

            I’d be a bit less casual if there was anything sensitive on my system or in fact anything that wasn’t also known to 200 other people…

        3. If it isn’t backed up at least twice, it isn’t backed up.

          I have offsite back ups that I do weekly, a back up to a drobo & a back up to a secondary drive every other day.

    2. and have your glasses handy…I put all kinds of post-its on the inside of my front door.

  41. Always wait 24 hours before responding to a nasty, undeserved email. And for a really nasty and really undeserved email, tell the person immediately that you are going to wait 24 hours before responding.

      1. 🙂 Yeah, it’s win-win with you getting both wins. I’ve only ever done that once but it was very satisfying. The most indirect but very clear way of telling someone they’ve been a complete ass.

      1. Oh my, yes. How many a disaster could have been prevented. Also, never, ever, BCC anyone on an email.

        1. never BCC?? why is that?

          BCC is a great way to send a group email when you think some of the recipients might not want their email address handed out to a bunch of people they don’t know very well

          2. Yes, sorry, that is the one exception: when every recipient is BCC’d and I do use that. My reasoning is that if I can’t be in the CC line then I don’t want to know and I certainly don’t want to have to remember everything I’m not supposed to have received.

  43. if you live with another human and are sharing the kitchen, run the cold tap after you have run the hot tap and don’t put sharp knives in a sink full of dishwater.

    1. And when putting cutlery in a dishwasher or drying rack, it’s POINTS DOWN.

        1. Knife points down, spoons and forks point up. This should solve the problem unless you’re one of those barbarians who eat with their knives🐸

          1. I eat my peas with honey
            I’ve done it all my life
            Some people think that’s funny
            But it keeps them on my knife.

          4. Yeah, I see your “point”, but better than getting stabbed with the knife when you’re putting other stuff in the washer.

  44. I have two or three but they are not mine.

    Pres. Truman said never kick a turd on a hot day.

    Some old pilot said – you cannot use the air above you or the runway behind you.

    Yogi said when you come to the fork in the road, take it.

    1. I forgot one that my grandfather once told – You can sh*t in one hand and pray in the other and see which one gets full first. He may have been an early atheist.

      1. It’s interesting how many wise old sayings involve feces – the importance of where to place it (or not), throwing of it, avoidance of it, and so forth. It’s primal. It may well predate language, if observation of cats is any guide.

      2. A slight variation in wording, though not meaning, is a favorite of mine. I can’t remember where I first heard it. But I’ve been telling it to my kids since they began talking.

        “You can shit in one hand and want in the other and see which gets full first.

    2. As I heard it, Yogi was referring to the special case of getting to his house. The road looped around back to the fork in the road, so it didn’t matter which fork you took, you got to his house.

  45. One for the ladies: resist the temptation to share with your girlfriends intimate secrets about your significant other most especially if they know one another, even if you think the information is flattering. Because our significant others will tell us – and we don’t. Want. To. Know. Once we know these things, we can’t un-know them.

    I don’t judge porn-addiction guy, panty-wearing guy, foot fetish guy, or wants-it-all-the-time guy, but I do judge what I perceive as disloyalty in the over-sharing partner. Even if she could not have chosen otherwise.

    1. Pffft, cut out the middle person and tell the guy’s friend directly.

      And men do this with their friends (male and female) too.

      1. After due consideration, I realize you are right.

        It was insensitive of me to imply the behavior is females-only, since it clearly is not. I don’t like it, and I won’t do it, but everybody blabs, men and women!

        Perhaps the rule isa better put like this: assume what you tell a friend will be shared with his or her S.O., and measure your words accordingly.

  46. When I charge my cell phone, I do it at night and leave it in my shoe. By the morning it’s charged, and I never leave the house without it.

  47. When somebody is busy on the land-line, don’t call him/her on his/her cell phone.

    Don’t mix milk and melon.

    When cooking, do not leave the pan-handle sticking out if there are toddlers around.

    1. When cooking I always make sure the handles are not sticking out.
      Just think of the parts of your body that are below toddler height and you will understand why. 🙂

  48. And for the gents: do not compliment female acquaintances – and more importantly strangers – on their appearance. The exception would be if you are both really and truly available and you are really and truly attempting to woo, and even then, tread very carefully and consider complimenting something less superficial, like their work, humor or intelligence.

    However they may appear to take the compliment, it is almost certainly off-putting and possibly creepy. Women have a culture of complimenting one another’s figures, shoes and whatever, but that’s for them to do. Unless you are Tim Gunn or something, they don’t want to hear it.

    1. And ladies, don’t suggest to other ladies that they may be going through menopause because they are sweaty that day. Also if you accidentally do this and the other lady says she isn’t in menopause, don’t argue with her and insist that she is because you went through menopause then.

      1. And never enquire into a woman’s ‘due date’ unless you’ve established that she is indeed pregnant! (Blush, this has happened to me, as the offending party.)

    2. I think it depends on what you say.
      I would never say to a woman that she was looking hot today as that’s just creepy but recently when sitting down to dinner next to a woman I had known for a week on a cycling tour I looked at her and sincerely said that she was looking very elegant tonight and she said thank you.
      She had obviously gone to a lot of trouble with her looks for the evening and I thought why not tell her.
      It was obvious to her that I was just being nice, which I was (unusually perhaps).
      I think not being creepy is the important thing to remember.

      1. Hmmm, I say that all the time.

        It must work, she hasn’t divorced me yet. 😉

  49. Always keep shoe polish in your desk.

    Buy breath mints before a flight – if you’re like me, you’re bound to fall asleep.

    When talking about someone who’s not there, assume you might have butt dialed them and they’re hearing everything you’re saying. That way you won’t say anything you regret.

  50. Pilots use checklists for a reason. Too many decades ago, going to University for the week, and back home on weekends: Watch, wallet, keys. Anything else I could do without if I had to. Nowadays it is cellphone and pocket knife.
    Don’t lock the vehicle doors unless you have the keys physically in your hand. Put the filler cap on the fuel tank while you have the hose in your hand, not the other way around.

    1. I locked the keys in my car and had no one to call for a ride. After half an hour wringing my hands, i remembered I had a magnetic keyholder under the car.

      Have a spare key. And remember you have it.

    2. “Don’t lock the vehicle doors unless you have the keys physically in your hand.”

      Yes!!! A rule I try to follow religiously.

      To the point where I will not ‘slam-lock’ a door (by holding the handle as I shut it), I shut it first then lock it with the key. That way I can’t lock myself out.

    3. Or in my case “keys, phone, wallet… girlfriend” (when we leave the house together).

      Got to get your priorities right – she can take care of herself, the first three items can’t!

    1. I don’t either. But I found myself contemplating wearing one when I turned 40.

  52. Alternate #2 (applicable only to those in control of their infrastructure): Set the thermostat on your hot water heater to the point that at max heated water, it is just hot enough that you can run your shower from just the HOT tap. That way, you save a) energy in not heating to a temp higher than necessary, and b) time in not having to screw around with settings.

  53. Qualifiers to Rule 2: (a) Since scalding yourself is easy to avoid with a hand-held shower head, you can start with hot water to clear the pipes of cold water if you have one. (b) If, like me, you always start your shower before your wife gets up, you are going to get scalded anyway when she flushes the toilet – no matter how many times she has done it before.

    1. A man should go to bed clean. Unless pheromones will be needed. Then, get off the kitchen table and go take a shower–with somebody.

  55. This rule comes from, so I’ve read, John Mitchell. Mitchell was Richard Nixon’s attorney general. He also was deeply involved in the Watergate corruption and went to prison for that. Prior to all that, he was a a Wall Street bond trader and rather famous (in that world) for being one of the best at it.

    John Mitchell’s Rule: If you know you’re going to have to eat shit, don’t do it in nibbles. Cut your losses fast.

  57. Never take advice from someone who will profit from the advice.

    If you must eat in the hospital cafeteria avoid the brown meat.

  58. All I can think of is “don’t walk backwards in snowshoes”.

    I did, however, remember a handy tip from Viz magazine. If you don’t have an egg timer, you can still have a nicely boiled egg by doing the following: put your egg in the boiling water; get in your car and drive 3 miles at a steady 60 mph; phone your husband / wife and ask them to take the egg out.

    1. I think it was the same magazine that suggested using a welding mask and welders gloves to avoid being spattered by hot oil while frying something.

  59. Everyday, stop and think of a few things for which you’re grateful.

    Surround yourself with people whose higher purposes are aligned with yours.

    When your children become adults, quit giving them unsolicited advice.

  60. When dealing with a difficult person — a coworker, office manager, supervisor, etc. — seek that person out for a small bit of work-related information that you believe is within that person’s knowledge. Often, the difficult person merely wants some validation, some acknowledgment of his or her vital role, and will warm up to anyone who provides them that opportunity. Sometimes this will work on the initial go-around; sometimes it may take a couple tries. Wash, rinse, repeat as needed.

      1. Thanks, especially since “nice suggestions” aren’t usually my strong-suit. I’m more of a black humor, vituperation, and non sequitur of the absurd kinda commenter.

        1. Then we’d thoroughly “get” each other.

          Well, I’m not so good at the absurd non sequitur.

    2. Yes — works especially well with bosses. “I’ve gathered all these numbers and put them in a column with a plus sign at the bottom, but I don’t know what to do next….”

    3. Also I’ve heard giving them a little present or doing them a favour (obviously without trying to get something back for it) will work to soften an abrasive person. It’s hard to stay nasty toward someone who’s been nice to you.

  64. I have found that, for myself, buttoning a shirt from the top (usually skipping the first button and hole) is much more reliable than from the bottom.

    Many, but not all, buttoned shirts have a spare button at the bottom, and this would often confuse my hands into buttoning off by one— something I wouldn’t notice until I get to the top of the shirt.

  65. 1. Do not attempt to drink hot tea with a straw (age 10)
    2. Nobody is quick enough to touch a hot cigarette lighter without getting burned (age 13)
    3. Never use your left foot to brake (age 22)

  66. Don’t pay for floppy disks.

    Just save the ones you get in the mail every day from Compuserve, America Online, EarthLink, and MindSpring: if you put a piece of tape over the little hole in the top-left corner, you can reformat them to use them for all your backup and file-sharing needs!

    That one may be a couple of decades out-of-date … but it’s far too useful not to share.

    1. Good to know — but what’s a “floppy disk”? Any tips for curbing expenditures on buggy whips, vacuum tubes, and phonograph needles? 🙂

      1. Wow. I was actually considering the mention of buggy whips, but thought better of it since those are before my father’s time, much less my own. But vacuum tubes! One of my favorite things as a kid was riding my bike to the drug store with a bag of tubes to test them and replace the dud(s)! A rule: send away for the tube replacement kit with numbered stickers for matching each tube to its socket.

        1. I recall those tube-tester machines in drug stores & the way you could pull the back panel off an RCA Victor to tinker around until you found the bad tube — though in my family, the initial fix-it strategy usually involved the slap-up-side the console cabinet (or the “Slovenian speed wrench” technique, as we named it in honor of my father).

    2. You’d need a working FDD (floppy disk drive) to use them.

      A more useful rule – failed DVD’s (aka ‘coasters’) or the unwanted CDs from AOL etc make quite good… coasters! My coffee cup at work sits on a ‘coaster’ that says ‘Welcome to PanGlobal Enterprises Ltd – Staff Introduction’ (PanGlobal is of course my workplace).

    3. OMG MOOT is the perfect name because I think you might be from the past!

      2. Being a time traveller from the past doesn’t have the same cachet that being one from the future has.

        I say “In the past, we play music and video from reels of thin, magnetized plastic tape!” And people are all “We know!”

  67. When you need to shake a bottle of salad dressing, and your upswing will aim it over your shoulder, be sure the cap is on tight.

      1. Well, and that’s even better.

        Happily, it was the brother of a friend who “broke” this rule…salad dressing all down his back…

  68. I must tell you that I discovered Rule #3 independently. I guess that makes me Wallace to your Darwin!

  69. A rule that has served me well over many years, was to claim, even when confronted with strong evidence to the contrary, “I was nowhere near there when than happened.” Worked most of the time.

  70. I must disagree with a previous commenter. Toilet paper must be installed so that the first available sheet comes off the top toward the user. That way the sheet is more accessible and the roll looks better compared with installation requiring the user to reach under the roll by the wall side.

    Spreads should be applied on top of toast, not underneath.

    1. As everybody knows, correct Toilet Paper Orientation is a deeply held belief in these parts. Almost, one might say, a religious war.

      I’m hoping there’s no connection between your two paragraphs 🙁

        1. Diana, you must love South Africa, apart from some posh hotels, most here put the toilet rolls the wrong way round (i.e. sheet from the bottom).

    3. “Spreads should be applied on top of toast, not underneath.”

      I once tried this: spread some jam in a small patch on the floor. Drop toast…

  71. Sometimes the mutual side-stepping can go on several times. The solution?:

    If it’s a pretty girl then I just reply “Shall we dance?” It always gets a smile!

      1. Reminds me of the advice my old man gave me when I started dating:

        1. Never compliment a pretty girl by telling her she’s pretty; it will only bore her. Find out what she’s interested in & take it from there.

        2. Always ask the plain girl sitting by herself to dance.

        He said one of those two was the way he won over my mother, though he never specified which.

        1. Speaking from my side of the equations, I should think that advice would be quite effective. (And welcome!)

        2. That #2 is the opposite of what I heard, which was ‘Always ask the most gorgeous girl there. She’s probably bored and lonely ‘cos all the guys are too scared to ask her’.

          I can’t say if it works, I was usually too scared to try it. 🙁

      2. Sharon, I’ve lived long enough to know that it’s not “pretty” that counts. My best sex partner was fat, and the next best had such prognathism that she resembled a horse. But I’ve always thought horses were prettier than people (consider the ears, for example).

        The problem with “pretty” girls is that they are manipulative–oh! I’ve stumbled upon my central rule; how about that! “Don’t be manipulated–and don’t manipulate!”

        1. Given your silver-medal partner’s carnal gifts and equine features, was it perhaps a bit inappropriate to look her in the malocclusion?

        2. Oh behalf of all of WEIT’s “pretty girls”. And we here at WEIT are all so very pretty, we resent the implication that we are manipulative; we are totes amazeballs.

      3. Well, yes. But I’m afraid that’s probably an evolved characteristic. Maybe someday in the far future…

        Men could at least be less obvious about it, though.

    1. Arrggghhh, yes!!

      Corollary: never carry two large yoghurt containers filled with still warm leek soup down the basement stairs to the freezer at the same time. One of the lids WILL pop off, spewing chunky leeks all over the bumpy/chunky white ceiling. This is a bitch of a clean-up jon:-(

    2. I’ve learned to avoid even plugging in the blender without the lid on as I’ve had accidents with accidentally knocking a button!

  73. When facing aggressive animals, especially in bunches, sing. Sing clearly and cleanly, even liltingly, and a bit softly.

    I’ve had remarkable success with that one.

    1. Now that’s intriguing! Almost makes me want to go find a bunch of aggressive animals, just to try it.

      1. For me, it would make them angry & they’d attack me to get me to stop! I suspect this would happen even or perhaps especially with birds. I’m like the anti-Snow White.

  75. I use Rule 3 whenever I see a row of 2 or more people walking abreast towards me in the street, and it is clear that they expect me to get out of their way. I hate when folk do that.

  76. Ahem… I have been employing Coyne’s Third Rule for some considerable time, without knowing its originator, but It really does not always work as usually the opposite person is a twit using a mobile phone!

  77. OK Dom’s First Rule –
    It is only when you are in pain that you really know you are alive.

    2. Well I love Asimov’s Salvor Hardin maxims. My favourite is –
      Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.

  78. Mentally recite the 13 times table if you feel an inappropriate and potentially embarrassing erection coming on; for instance, during an interview with Philomena Vaginka.

  79. Brush your teeth before putting on your shirt/blouse.

    Don’t eat spaghetti if you’re wearing white.

    When driving, assume the slowpoke is drunk and the tailgater is on the way to the E.R.

    1. To be pedantic, it’s not the spaghetti that is the problem with wearing white is it ;)?

      1. Even with butter and garlic, it’s still a bad idea. Unless you eat spaghetti out of the package or merely boiled. Sorry to be pedantic.

  80. When interviewing someone, always leave the door open.

    Always leave wallet, Iphone, keys, loose change, etc in the same place.

    Generally – don’t yell at home to locate anybody. If it is important to talk to them it is worth it to walk until you find them.

  81. Never think of something else while you’re brushing your teeth, otherwise you’ll end up with it stuck up your nose.

  82. He who laughs last must also know when to stop.

    When greeting someone, it’s customary to stop asking after the first exchange of “How are you?”

  83. When holding the screen door open for your four-legged companion, please make sure the dangly bits and tail are out of the way before letting go of the door.

    Rule #3 is a must when approached by a kitteh on a staircase.

    1. Same holds true when your two-legged companions are crossing the screen-door threshold alfresco.

  85. Totally agree with rule #3. You always have the right to the spot you are standing on and they are obliged to avoid you.

    * * *

    My rules of work:

    1. Show up (on time, every day)
    2. Support your boss
    3. Do what ever your boss asks you to do, cheerfully, as long as it isn’t illegal or immoral.
    4. Never let your boss be surprised. Full stop.
    5. Work hard.

    What I tell kids is: Follow these (they are easy to remember) and you will do well in your work.

    1. My bosses sometimes have asked me to do things that are bad ideas. Not illegal or immoral, but just stupid. I have not done them. Cheerfully. In 20 years I have had eight different bosses. I am still here. They are not.

      1. Yeah, Sharon, back in the old days my best friend had risen as high in the Silly Service as she could–“Principal Clerk.” But she counseled the guys (or in their case perhaps more accurately “dudes”) who made several times the pittance she was paid. Her IQ was so high she quit MENSA. She was widely loved and respected. She spoke softly, and people always listened.

    2. M’ Pap said “always make a man a good hand.” Shorthand for those rules. But “a job” is the curse of the thinking man. Yet women, being true multi-taskers, can handle both, as Sharon, below, points out.

  86. Sam Harris’s rule (I can’t speak for him of course; but after reading his book Lying three times, I think I am on safe ground here):

    Never lie.

    1. I love that book. But this is a tough one, because once in a while, a white lie might be the most chivalrous thing to do. Certainly never lie to oneself, because white lies can sometimes be self-interest in disguise.

  87. I’m a little late to the party but here’s an important one:

    The side mirrors on your car should always be angled away from your car. If you can see the side of your car in your side mirror, then you will have blind spots in the passing lanes. Angle the mirrors so you cannot see any part of your own car (you know your car is there, right?) and you will eliminate or greatly reduce the blind spots.

    1. This is a good one. I started doing this this summer & it works out well. The only issue is I’m short so I’m closer to the steering wheel which means it’s hard for me to glance to get the whole image in my view because the mirror is up so far. They need to have mirrors that slide down the car.

    2. Unless one has an uncluttered rear window or a back-up camera, one may have difficulty seeing tailgaters ready to zip around you just as you are changing lanes or turning. The camera also helps spot children who have chased a ball just after you’ve made your walk-around (which, of course, EVERY driver ALWAYS does, of course.

  88. I’ve always remembered a piece of advice I once read in Viz Comic: Never smoke a cigar larger than your penis, as this may invite witticisms from former partners.

  89. When dismounting a motorcycle, make sure the side stand is fully down before you begin leaning the motorcycle.

  90. My aunt taught me this one: never turn your back on the ocean (I’ve seen many people posing for pictures etc get splashed or knocked it – the ocean is a trickster!)

    2. “You can turn your back on a person, but never turn your back on a drug, especially when its waving a razor-sharp hunting knife in your eye.”

      — Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas

  91. Moisturize immediately after you shower, before you are completely dry. Even if there isn’t valid science behind this method – do it anyway.

    Use primer before eye shadow – and let it set in for a few minutes before applying shadow.

    Never have visible panty lines. Wear proper undergarments!

    If you are wearing an evening gown or cocktail dress, be mindful of your handbag. Your clunky daytime purse is not acceptable. Carry a small evening bag.

    Mary Janes are the most flattering/comfortable shoes for women. Find a way to work them into your wardrobe.

    1. What a relief to see a woman posting here. But all those rules are for naught when it comes to men–all we notice is what we’re not supposed to look at . . . deeply into your eyes–NOT “down there.”

        1. Yes, quite right! There are two possibilities. One, that I was trying to draw the rest of them out of hiding, or two, that I was working from the bottom up, which I am always wont to do . . .

          And I agree that you are all beautiful in my book.

          2. You seem to be working under some assumptions that I think are a bit inaccurate here.

          8. Yes, very bizarre. So much so that my colleagues and I have been laughing hysterically (wow– some of you are going to have a field day with that one…) all week. Also, I have vowed to incorporate the phrase “totes amazeballs,” which none of us have ever heard before, into my vocabulary immediately.

      2. A relief? There are lots of women here. Pretty women all of us. Very pretty totes amazeballs women.

        1. I have no idea what any of you look like so when I hear an intelligent woman speaking I go ‘So that’s what Diana looks like.’
          Slightly off topic–do those who express attraction to Philomena Cunk realize what they are revealing. She is attractive but not unusually so. I wonder if they are attracted to the idea that she is (more than)a bit thick.

          2. You strangely resemble an insect, not unlike the icon you use here, if that is in fact you I see when I search Facebook. Have you ever faced discrimination in job interviews?

          4. Is it the actor or the character that she plays that is attractive? The actor is obviously very intelligent and that is very attractive but the character is not so much in either department.
            There is a TV show here in Canada called Mr D. The actor playing the lead is brilliant in his ability to play a character who sometimes straddles but more often crosses the line between fool and asshole. The show is very popular but I can’t watch it because the character to me is too repellant.

          5. Me too. I don’t know that show but I can think of several British sitcoms that I can’t watch because the lead character is so infuriatingly gormless I keep wanting someone to swat him and they never do.

          7. “You can find a few of them (like some of us men) on Faceb**k.”

            FWIW–if anyone knows my complete name–last I looked there was someone else on FB with it. (I imagine the same would hold for Google images as well.) I’m not on FB, so it’s not me.

          9. “… Slightly off topic–do those who express attraction to Philomena Cunk realize what they are revealing. She is attractive but not unusually so. I wonder if they are attracted to the idea that she is (more than)a bit thick.”

            Quite on the contrary, my dear.

          10. Agreed. I’m attracted to intelligent women, not annoyingly obtuse ones.

  92. 1. Never eat at a place called Mom’s.

    2. Never play cards with a man named Doc.

    3. Never go to bed with anyone whose troubles are worse than you own.

  93. Always eat bananas from the ‘bottom’ up, as do monkeys, since the ‘bottom’ is really the top. Then lecture those who think you’re weird. C.f. ‘Menorah Green Bananas,’ photo and poem, by Robert Bray

  94. Don’t ever kid yourself that you can safely wash the reds and whites together.

    To safely reheat cooked egg in the microwave, do it on high for 10 secs. at a time, till it’s to your liking.

    The easiest way to remove a bit of eggshell from a bowl of raw egg is to scoop it out with a piece of eggshell.

    Learn to cook by the time you’re a teenager. But take heart, it’s never too late to learn.

    Put way less salt and sugar in your food.

    1. If you practically finish off the milk (or ketchup, etc), please don’t leave a smidgen of stuff in it and put the empty container back into the fridge. Everyone knows you’re just avoiding getting a new bag of milk or rinsing out the container and dumping it into the recycling bin.

      Oh, yeah, and please know where the cat tail is before you flop down beside kitty.

      1. “…please don’t leave a smidgen of stuff in it and put the empty container back…”

        My SO does this all the time! Arrgh!

  95. A rule of mine is to check for landmarks near and far. This applies to cities, forests, deserts, etc. & will help you get back to where you started. (You can waste a lot of time getting unlost.) It is good to devise a mnemonic strategy for remembering your landmarks.

    Another rule is to wear work gloves (or other tough gloves) when out in forests, deserts and such. If you fall or have to grab something suddenly, gloves can save you considerable misery.

    2. Better to work hard enough to have horny hands. Cactus spines (e.g. “jumping” cholla, are much easier to piss on [First Americans’ remedy] without gloves, which WILL be penetrated.

  96. From Bill and Ted, who learned more about the ancient world than they thought (classicists and those who have studied ancient philosophy may get it): “Be excellent to each other.”

  97. A rule derived from 20+ years of trauma call – never utter the words, “you know what would be cool?” after downing a six pack.

    1. . . . but if you do, by all means don’t wear a helmet–evolution can’t work if defective bundles of genes aren’t taken out of the pool.

    3. This is so true! Many years ago, I watched the neighbour’s young adults drinking and swimming at their pool party. Then one guy proceeded up to the roof overlooking the pool (it was a bungalow). That became the new diving board right through the night, while the likker freely flowed. Cringe.

      1. Here in South Carolina our warning that something stupid is about to happen is, “Here, hold my beer. Watch THIS!”

      2. My son and his college roommates snowboarded off their roof at least once ( into snow). They also played hockey indoors one night and their kindly landlord taught them how to repair holes in drywall rather than calling the police.

        2. You can find vast quantities of that sort of thing on Youtube. Just google ‘fail’…

  98. I like these rules Jerry, perfectly sensible.

    Here’s one of mine – which I don’t keep to anymore as I am growing/trimming my beard, never shaving it.

    Rule: if you’re using a rechargable shaver, always shave in the evening. That way, if the battery dies halfway through, you can still charge overnight and finish the next morning.

  99. No arguments on Rules 1 and 2. There are few enough, if any, exceptions to merit not elevating them to rule status.

    However, as a person who commutes across one of the busiest sections of the most crowded city in America every day, I don’t think the suggestion to stop in place can be elevated to a rule, without many caveats.

    The most useful rule of thumb to avoid collisions is for everyone to maintain predictable movements; i.e. don’t zigzag down the sidewalk, don’t stop on a dime (unless as Jerry says, this is the only way to avoid a collision), and don’t do the move that I have deemed, “the pirouetting tourist.”

    These are the people walking around usually looking up at a 45 to 60 degree angle at the buildings and almost always rolling luggage behind them. Then, out of nowhere comes the abrupt stop and spin where the suitcase becomes like a pendulum and extends out from the tourist’s body. Combined with the turning radius of her body, the risk of collision suddenly turns into an 8 foot wide circle around her. If this doesn’t result in a collision, it almost always results in groups of pedestrians having to stop and maneuver around the tourist all while trying to determine which way she’ll go next. (It’s always random and it’s never graceful). The next move is then a whole group of stopped people having to start walking again, which creates more of the aforementioned unpredictable movements. You can imagine what happens when multiple pirouetting tourists get involved in this mayhem. It is the human equivalent of gridlock with the accompanying collisions to boot. Thus, my humble suggestion for the rule is, “Whenever possible, don’t make sudden changes in acceleration, and only stop as a last resort.”

    1. I may have heard it; I may have thought it. But “Laws and Rules are made for those lacking in judgment” may have a grain of truth . . .

    2. Damn, I’d read nearly this far before jumping to the end and making a similar (but short) comment at 107.

      1. Yes, I was just about to point that out on your post and noticed you saw mine.

        I do have to give you points for being more succinct, but I hope my imagery of spinning tourists with luggage swinging chaotically about adds some practical application to the potential pitfalls of failing to respect relativity. 🙂

  100. My rule 1: When replying to an email, private or workrelated, under the influence of a strong emotional reaction (e.g. anger or annoyance), insert the recipients’ adresses only when said reply is finished, reread and vetted to be in its final form and destined for send-off. This routine avoids accidental or premature sending, thus ensuring there is time for checking, double-checking, thinking over whether one’s venting of emotional steam is appropriate to the situation at hand or not. And this is also particularly important for emails produced with “Reply all”, as one must check the mail isn’t going to unintended parties. (I then first delete everyone’s adress at the top and reinsert them at the end). I learned this one the hard way.
    🙁

    1. There used to be an official highway sign in Texas that read “Drive Friendly.”

      In Connecticut, one of the most popular mottoes reads “NO WHINING.”

      Putting these two together goes a long way toward maturity.

      2. You can tell what local drivers are really bad at, by looking out for distinctive advisory signs. “Drive Friendly!” signifies you are in road-rage central.

    2. Yes! Re emails, when drafting any important email, I leave the address off until I’ve run the wording past my boss or done any other checks. Saves accidentally hitting ‘send’ and going off half-cocked.

      I Was just reflecting yesterday that the ‘Send’ button in Outlook should automatically change to ‘Oh shit!’ when pressed…

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