Three jokes I made up

April 26, 2013 • 12:52 pm

It’s Friday afternoon, and I’m worn out from reading about duck genitals and the pheromones of corn borers all day (required reading for my graduate course on speciation). As a treat (NOT), I’m going to tell you the only three jokes I’ve made up in my life. In return, you’ll tell me any jokes you’ve made up.

Here they are:

1.  Did you hear about the guy who manufactured Kleenex? He was always putting his business in other peoples’ noses.

2. What do French horses eat? Answer: haute cuisine (this is a verbal joke, and you have to pronounce the French correctly).

3. A book to be written:  I, Yam: The Autobiography of a Sweet Potato.

 

I’ll be here all week, folks, and don’t forget to tip the waitress.

 

210 thoughts on “Three jokes I made up”

      1. It was meant tobe a little gentle ribbing, that’s all. Sorry if it insulted you. I’ve been around this site for several years, so yeah! I thought I understood your sense of humor. Guess not.

      1. Testes, isn’t he. Probably just too many too many examples of female ducks flying upside-down (heading for a quack-up) for him to handle.

        2. Speaking of which, I just learned on a program showing how Peking duck is made that only the female ducks quack while the males do a little grunt. Sounds just about right, for us humanz too. 🙂

    1. Boo! (But I feel cool that I got it. And appropriate on a site where people are always losing their religion.)

      1. I enjoy obscure references and, believe me, nobody under the age of 30 has a clue. Well, that’s a general statement, too!

  3. Not a joke but a true story. I overheard a conversation between two secretaries in my office. One was bemoaning the fact that her marriage had ended in divorce and she was not awarded any alimony from her ex-husband. She said to her co-worker, “So I guess I’ll have to work for the rest of my life, if I live that long.”

    1. Ha, yes, often true stories are better. I overheard this: “I suppose it will be harder [to whatever, can’t remember exactly] for us women and other minorities.”

      1. I thought as much.

        So we have to pronounce “haute” the American way, rather than the French for it to make sense.

      2. Of course haute in French is not pronounced oat (maybe a particular dialect of English?) since they don’t diphthongize.

        So it still works as a verbal joke but not if you just speak both languages interchangeably cause then you don’t associate those sounds with each other.

        2. haute : |ōt|

          oat : |ōt|

          Both pronunciations from the New Oxford American Dictionary.

          Collins English Dictionary has |ot| and |əʊt|. So, more different in standard British English than American… ?

          Close enough to work, even for a (this!) Brit.

          /@

          1. So you’re giving me the American way of pronouncing a French word? As I said, for a native speaker of French it’s not the same.

            Doesn’t make the joke fail, it just makes it work better when your French has an American accent.

          1. It’s a reasonable approximation for non-native French speakers yes. That’s all I meant to say.

            I hate pedantry but I got pedantic without meaning to since this is my subject. Wasn’t trying to spoil the fun, but then again, explaining a joke usually is a clue you’re not sharing the same sense of humor so I should’ve stopped.

          2. I love this blog for how we all obsess over the details. 🙂 I’ve been saying “haute” all weekend and thinking yeah it works…then I said “oat” with a French accent and figured they sounded the same. Ha ha

      3. No, haute as in “hot” (haute pronounced the French way). This horse loves hot food!

        1. You must speak a different French dialect than I’ve heard, which is entirely possible.

        2. That’s what I got too. Which isn’t nearly as funny. [In my defense, still on my first coffee here. Should’ve known I would have problems with lateral thinking.]

  6. Teacher: Why are the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages?

    Student: Because there were so many knights?

  7. Oh dear. I thought it was the Scots who ate the “oat cuisine”… but as a registered Sassenach I’m not authorized to tell that joke.

    1. Me too: my father always made the haute cuisine joke when there was porridge for breakfast

  9. Man: “Ha! I turned the tables on you.”
    Other man: “That’s a switch. I’m usually the one turning the tables on you!”

    This next one isn’t a joke, but I like it:

    Looks can be deceiving, but sometimes they just look deceiving.

    1. “He used to be miserable and depressed, but he’s changed his life around completely. Now he’s depressed and miserable.”

  10. Oh dear…this is what studying duck genitalia leads you to?

    I make up tons of jokes, but they’re all spur of the moment. One of the therapists at my dad’s nursing home calls me “the funny one” to distinguish me from my very not-funny brother.

    I did write a joke about Donald Trump complaining about having a bad year; he could only buy one helicopter for his yacht. You had to be there, it’s all in the telling.

    I think neither of us should give up our day jobs.

  11. My kids and I made up these two:

    Knock Knock
    Who’s there?
    Winnie Thup!
    Winnie Thup who?
    And Tigger too!

    Knock Knock
    Who’s there?
    Owls say.
    Owls say who?
    Right!

    And this is a pretty well-mined vein, so we’re proud to have contributed.

    And I agree, No. 1 above is good. The ‘haute’ one is good too. I used to want to open a fancy porridge restaurant called “Haute Meal”

  12. don’t forget to tip the waitress.

    The waitress deserves the tip if she’s got to listen to this routine all week.

  13. No jokes, but I am reminded of a wedding gig I had this past summer. It was at one of those fancy Scottsdale resorts — only this one was really high-class. More marble than you can imagine in the lobby, and I could swear some of the paintings were originals. And they had a Bösendorfer in the hall where the ceremony was! Never did remember to ask if it belonged to the hall or if they had it shipped in for the ceremony.

    Anyway, as I’m getting ready, I have an urgent need for an haircut, as a couple NPR automotive personalities from Boston might say. I get directions, find my way to the facilities, and I’m again overwhelmed by the splendor. Yes, not only were the sinks gold plated, but the urinals as well. Unbelievable!

    So, after I’m done, I’m washing up, and there’s yet more extravagances, including not just toothbrushes and toothpaste, but even razors — bone-handled straight razors, no less.

    Just as I think I’ve seen it all, I notice an honest-to-Zeus tie rack right next to the towel rack, filled with nothing but the finest silk ties. Man, they think of everything! Spill soup on your tie, come here and get a replacement. Sure must be nice being the 1%!

    Right then, as I’m drying my hands, another man comes up, pulls a tie off the rack, and — instead of putting it on — uses it to wipe his feet and tosses it in a wastebasket.

    I think I managed to cover my astonishment, but I couldn’t help but ask the attendant if perhaps what I just witnessed was a bit peculiar.

    “Not at all, good sir,” he replied. “You see, these are the ties that dry men’s soles.”

    And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some urgent business to attend to….

    Cheers,

    b&

      1. Thanks!

        And, for those who don’t know, I play trumpet, and Bösendorfer makes some of the biggest, most impressive, most notorious, most expensive pianos. They’re big, huge beasts that really only belong in the biggest of concert halls…but wow are they majestic when played well in the right space by somebody who knows what to do with one.

        When I last visited many many moons ago, the University of Texas at El Paso had both a Bösendorfer and a Steinway D (their biggest, baddest piano) in a concert hall that really wasn’t quite big enough…and the huge bay window in the lobby overlooked a shanty town in Juarez…quite a shocking study in contrasts, I must say….

        b&

        1. They’re probably most famous for their models with extra bass keys.

          I haven’t run across a piece of piano literature that requires them.

  14. I was out driving with my wife when I saw a bumper sticker that said “Honk IFF you like formal logic”. So I honked.

    Somewhat irritated my wife asked “Was that necessary?”

    “Yes.” I replied. “Sufficient too.”

    (BTW, you can get that bumper sticker from xkcd.)

    1. Darth Dog. I love it. My online moniker is Nuclear Dog. I would say we should join forces, but I am not a scientist or anyone of above average intelligence, so I doubt I would bring much to the duo.

      1. Sounds like a good idea. I wonder what Jerry will think when he finds out that his website is going to the dogs.

  16. I do like the “haute cuisine” joke, though, and phhht’s joke @#7 brought a round of applause.

  17. True joke from my dad:

    My dad’s proctologist during exam: “So, what do you do?”

    “I’m an accountant.”

    “Gad. I don’t know how you can stand to look at figures all day.”

  18. I am responsible for bringing two jokes into this world. First, as if said by a stand up comic: You know how some guys have a six-pack (gesturing to one’s midsection)? Well, I have a keg.

    And,

    How many absurdist playwrights does it take to change a light bulb?

    Green!

    1. While we are on light bulb jokes, the one joke I sincerely wish I would have written:

      How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

      That’s not funny!

      (Apologies.)

      1. How many women with missed periods does it take to change a light-bulb?

        (*In a flood of tears*) “I DO-HO-HON’T KNO-HO-HOW!”

        2. I don’t get this one, are the women with missed periods sad because:

          1) They are so stressed that they suffered hormone changes that caused this (possible stresses include starvation or disease)

          2) They realized they are in menopause and that saddens them?

          3) They are dealing with a potential unplanned pregnancy (which would totally be sad)?

          4) The took their birth control pills such that they skipped the sugar pills and that turned out badly?

          1. 3) of course. My sister screamed with laughter when I told it her, as she had just had such a scare.

            But of course I forgot, like religion, pregnancy is such a taboo subject in the US that it’s not to be joked over. Which is sad.

  19. Speaking of ducks, I used to joke that my PhD physicist grandfather, whose manner of expression could seem particularly technical and dry in a family of poetic, emotional humanities types, didn’t just keep his ducks in a row. He “maintained collinear waterfowl.”

    1. In order to keep the fecal material from interacting with the air-circulation device …

  20. Here’s one my little brother made up when he was six:

    Two muffins are in the oven.

    One muffin looks at the other and asks “Is it just me, or is it hot in here?”

    The second muffin screams “AHHH!! A TALKING MUFFIN!”

  24. Two penguins were sitting on an ice floe. One says to the other, “You look like you’re wearing a tuxedo.” First penguin replies, “What makes you think I’m not?”

  25. I don’t remember creating any worth repeating.

    My favorite though:

    What did the hotdog vendor say to the Zen master? Let me make you one with everything …

    1. And then the Zen master paid with a 20, but when he asked for his change, the vendor replied, “change comes from within.”

    2. There’s a classic video of an Australian TV presenter telling that joke to the Dalai Lama, only it was a pizza. It’s a must see, but I’m using my tablet and can’t be arsed to find it…

  26. Three I made up. Apologies in advance …

    1) I decided not to go skiing this winter. Well, it’s a slippery slope.

    2) I dropped an electric heater in my wife’s bath. She was incandescent.

    3) Suicide bombers: what makes them tick?

      1. No – have I inadvertently stolen some material? Wouldn’t surprise me.

        Big fan though of Tim Vine, also of Milton Jones. My favourite MJ gag (even though it’s incredibly laboured): “My grandfather was taken to hospital last week. They covered his back with grease. He went downhill very quickly after that.”
        For me, the ideal pun throws up a visual image too, it isn’t just word play.

        1. Not stolen to my knowledge, just very much his style of one-liner. Like the MJ one as well – lovely image!

  27. P.S. My favourite, which I can’t take credit for:

    A goes to see a psychiatrist wearing nothing but a pair of cellophane underpants. As he opens the door, the psychiatrist says “Stop right there, I can clearly see your nuts.”

  29. The haute cuisine one I have to say – genius. I laughed and laughed. The only jokes I’ve made up are smart ass remarks. I once had an anthropology professor that said horses were revolutionary. I then drew the horses as part of the French Revolution and instead of shouting liberté, égalité, fraternité, they were saying things like “hay, oats, sugar cubes!”

  30. Also in keeping with just acquiring knowledge to make jokes, this morning I replied to a German language teaching group on facebook, in response to their question about what we were going to do this weekend: Ich werde die Ungeborenen essen (Eier). I will eat the unborn (eggs)

    Yeah, it probably isn’t that original but I thought it was funny anyway.

  32. If you’re a musician you’ll get this:

    What’s the difference between a bad violinist & a car with bad brakes?

    Eventually, you can get the car to stop

    1. That’s why I prefer violists to violinists. No, really — violists are much more useful. For example, if you want to know if the stage is level, all you have to do is check to see if they’re drooling equally out of both sides of their mouths.

      Cheers,

      b&

      1. I play viola :-p I have a million of them

        One day rehearsal was disrupted by a fight between the 2nd oboist and one of the viola players. In exasperation the conductor asked, “What is it with you two?”

        “He broke one of my reeds!” whined the oboist.

        The violist replied: “Oh yeah? Well he loosened one of my pegs and won’t tell me which one!”

      2. Reminds me of the one attributed to conductor Sir Thomas Beecham, but probably apocryphal, addressing a rather inept lady cellist, “Madam, between your legs you have a something capable of giving man infinite pleasure, and all you can do is sit there and scratch it.”

    2. What’s the difference between a Jazz Musician and a large pepperoni pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.

      What do you call a Jazz Musician who just broke up with his girlfriend? “Homeless”.

      1. Did you hear about the jazz musician who one the lottery? He kept playing gigs until the money was gone.

          1. My high school jazz teacher would introduce his son as “the rarest kind of musician of all: the kind without a day job.”

  33. A book I’m always joking I’m going to write: Evolving Under Cloud Cover: The White Girl’s Guide to Sun Protection.

    I think it’s funny because you think it’s something good at first then it’s just a banal topic about some white girl trying not to get a sunburn.

  34. I used to dabble in competitive swimming. Not heavily though, I was just dipping my toe in, which is probably why I always finished in last.

    My girlfriend drank three cups of coffee this morning, and was full of piss and vinegar all day. She should of never left me alone with that coffee.

    1. The 2nd one only works in cultures where you haven’t a taboo against messing with other people’s food. Otherwise it comes over as non-humorous vulgar.

  35. True story:

    A friend and I were out bird watching from our car. Stopped near a farmyard. Curious farmer sauntered up wanting to know what we were doing. Told him we were looking at birds.

    He says “you must belong to one of them abdomen societies.”

  36. When I was an undergraduate at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, I asked a friend how his E.E. test went. Reply: “I know so little about the subject, I can’t tell you if the exam was difficult.”

  37. – Dan Dennett, upon being introduced to Douglas Hofstadter:
    “There’s more to me than meets the I.”

    – The polite Polynesian, exposed to offensive jokes about Polynesians:
    “Tell me Samoa.”

    – Winston Churchill, explaining nuclear brinkmanship to his cabinet via the example of a silly road game involving two drivers, both headed for a single lane bridge from opposite directions:
    “Some chicken. Some neck.”

    1. Speaking of offensive jokes… doan worry… I’m allowed to, jus’ becoz… and I didnah make it up myself..

      ” A Guyanese and Jamaican walk into a store, the Guyanese thief a chocolate bar, and when they left the store he said “Yuh see dat? Mi thief tree chocolate bar. Nobody cyan thief like me!” And the Jamaican said “Mek wi go back to de store. Mi aguh show yuh a real thief.” They went in and the Jamaican said to the cashier ” yuh want see a magic trick?” The cashier said “sure”. “Hand mi a chocolate bar” he ate it. “Hand mi a next one” he ate it. “Hand mi another one deh” he ate it. ” But sir where’s the magic?” Said the cashier. The Jamaican man said ” check di Guyanese pockets, you aguh find dem “

      2. Talking of which, a small totally bald guy is chatting with his friends in a pub when a smartass comes up, rubs the bald guy’s head and says “That feels just like my wife’s ass!” And the bald guy feels his own head, thinks for a moment and says “Yes, it really does, doesn’t it?”

        1. Which reminds me of the joke, which isn’t mine, but is too salacious for this website, that ends with the punchline, “Oh, hello, Vicar! Going hunting again?”

          /@

  38. My humour has got me into hot water sometimes, and was almost fatal on a couple of occasions. I like dry humour you see. Especially when it’s delivered dead-pan. Once my wife and I were on the sea-front; Charmouth in Dorset. She’d bought some sweets and and I quipped something about ‘Bargain Debasement’. She sort of laughed, snorted and swallowed, and began to choke uncontrollably. I laughed until I cried. Another time was in ‘Mistress Quickly’s Tea Room’ in Stratford. I delivered a funny line and wife spluttered tea up the wall. Wish I could remember the line. Something about addressing to the monarch as ‘Your Queen’. Happy days.

  39. 1. How do you recognize high-class apple eaters? Decorum.
    2. There’s a big difference between having your arm fall asleep and having your arm gnawed off.
    5. There’s very little difference between a dinner party and a Donner Party.

  40. Q. How many Rotarians does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A. Five: one to change the bulb and four to screw up the plaque recording the occasion.

    (Given: Q. What’s the New Zealand idea of foreplay?
    A. Y’awake, love?)

    My contribution:
    Q. What’s the Australian idea of foreplay?
    A. Diddawakeya, love?

      1. – which has reminded me of another (not mine):

        “Rotarians are a group of self-made men who meet each week to worship their maker.”

    3. The Norwegian idea of foreplay:

      “What is foreplay?”

      [I’m a Swede, I’m allowed. They reply in kind, naturally.]

  41. True story:

    Many yeas back, I was in a Kroger looking at the meat section. This vegan confronted me and started yelling at me and calling me all sorts of rude names just because I was looking at the meat.

    I let this go on for a bit before engaging in the following conversation:

    Me: what makes you think you’re any better than me?

    Them: I don’t eat anything living!

    Me: … Um… neither do I…

    Have you ever tried to eat a living New York strip? That shit is dangerous!

    And don’t approach a cow with A1 Steak Sauce… tends to piss them off…

    ————————–

    And yes, that is seriously a true story. That actually happened to me.

    2. Not a joke, but in parallel to your Kroger encounter, many yrs back while in exile in New Jersey, and in the Foodtown in Highland Park mindlessly contemplating which pre-packaged lunchmeat to pick, some guy appears out of nowhere & in my face wanting to know if I’d accepted (H)Jesus Christ as my personal savior. At such times, one is speechless.

      1. Crackers? Have you looked in aisle 5?

        Thanks, for reminding me! I need to get some baby backs for the BBQ.

  43. Oh, and here’s one for the Brits, which a friend came out with just ahead of me, while we were arguing over the correct pronunciation of “a small unsweetened or lightly sweetened biscuit-like cake made from flour, fat, and milk and sometimes having added fruit.”

    “It’s a /skəʊn/, until you’ve eaten it, and then it’s /skɒn/.”

    /@

    2. Ha ha. I am Canadian and pronounce it the British way because my mom is from New Zealand and that’s how I learned it. I am still learning that some of the words I use and pronunciations are different all the time.

        1. Really because no one hear says scone with a short “o”. Everyone says it with a long “o”. It’s safe to say that the long “o” is a north american pronunciation.

        1. …and Wikipedia says this “According to one academic study, two-thirds of the British population pronounce it /ˈskɒn/ with the preference rising to 99% in the Scottish population. This is also the pronunciation of Australians, Canadians and New Zealanders. Other regions, particularly the United States and Ireland, pronounce the word as /ˈskoʊn/. The pronunciation /ˈskʊn/ is also used, particularly in Ireland. British dictionaries usually show the “con” form as the preferred pronunciation, while recognising that the “cone” form also exists”

          So now I’m wondering if it’s regional in Canada then because in Ontario we say it like Americans. There needs to be a linguistic study on scones!

  44. Q: What did one Canadian geneticist say to the other?

    A: We all have our bears to cross.

      1. D’oh! Didn’t they know that is what happens when they go for Yukon during hunting season?

  45. Q. What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
    A. Oi! Ya keen’t wash yer heends in a buffalo, mate!

  47. I found this joke elsewhere

    “A group of elderly JFK conspiracy theorists were comparing notes when one of them suddenly had a heart attack. After going through the whole tunnel light scenario he finds himself facing God. He asks “Oh Lord, who really killed JFK?” And God replied “It was Oswald acting alone.” At that point the EMTs were able to jolt him back to life. Later in the hospital with his co-theorists he said in a low voice “The conspiracy is bigger than we thought.””

  48. Not mine but cute (I find):

    Three old Corsicans* are talking in the shade, sitting on a bench.

    1st One: When I fart, it’s very noisy but it doesn’t smell.
    2nd One: Really? Me, when I fart, it’s smelly but doesn’t make any noise.
    3rd One: For me, it doesn’t smell and doesn’t make any noise
    …
    …
    The two first ones together: Why are you farting then??!!

    * The Corsican thing is a cheap shot at the supposed lazyness of Corsicans… (just ask Napoleon about it)

  49. Why did the evolutionary biologist cross the road?

    To get to the noms on the other side.

    (Okay, thank you, thank you. That’s enough applause.)

      1. You know how geese fly in formation? Do you know why one side of the V is always longer than the other?

        Because it has more geese in it.

  51. Most of my so-called jokes are just silly word play that kids find amusing and adults tolerate because the kids are happy, but the only jokes (and I’m still using that term lightly!) I can remember making for adults are:

    I’m not promiscuous, I’m celibate; which is to say, I wouldn’t give it away, but I might sell-a-bit.

    and

    Life is a cosmic joke, and death is the
    punch line!

    OK, now you can bring out the long hook while I dodge the tomatoes!

  52. Oh, and stealing two “rude jokes from friends:

    Q: Why do mice have such small balls?
    A: Because not many of them like to dance!

    #1: My testicles refuse to speak to each other.
    #2: Why do your testicles refuse to speak to each other?
    #1: Because there’s a vas deferens between them!

  53. Two goats are eating movies from film cans. One looks at the other and says, “The book was better.”

  54. A young guy in a souped-up car is speeding down a rural highway when a cop car peels out from behind a billboard and nails him. The cop walks up to the kid’s window and drawls, “Son–I’ve been waiting here all day for you.”

    The kid replies, “Sorry, Officer. I got here as fast as I could!”

  55. Two sperm are swimming along. One says: “I’m exhausted. Do you think we’ve reached the Fallopian tube yet?” The other replies: “Not yet. I think we’re still in the esophagus.”

  56. I like the Kleenex one quite a bit. And I, Yam, cracks me up.

    It’s not a joke per se, but I did think of this today: Found this on my prescription bottle — “if symptoms persist for more than 10 days, just kill yourself.”

    1. I read this whole thread looking to find someone giving I, Yam two thumbs up, and now, finally at the end, someone has.

      1. I Yam What I Yam: the Shirley Bassey Cookbook
        (US edition: The Gloria Gaynor Cookbook

  57. There are two kinds of people in this world: those who know how to finish a thought.

    1. There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don’t

    2. There are three kinds of people in the world: those who know how to count, and those who don’t.

    3. There are only two types of people in the world, those who remember how their jokes end and those who…um…

  58. Q. How many martial artists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A. Seven. One to change the bulb and the other six to explain how they do it differently in their system.

    1. Similar to: How many Juilliard students does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to tell the others how their teacher would do it better

      1. How many Creationist does it take to change a light bulb?
        Two: one to change it quickly, and one to point out that no transitional forms occurred at all.

        How many modal logicians does it take to change a light bulb?
        In which world?

        How many Kuhnian constructionists does it take to change a light bulb?
        You’re still thinking in terms of ‘incremental change’ — what we really need is a paradigm shift…

        1. Just retrieved my all-time favourite lightbulb joke, courtesy of P. Renteln and A. Dundes (Foolproof: A Sampling of Mathematical Folk Humor. Notices of the AMS, Vol. 52/1, 2005):

          How many lightbulbs does it take to change a lightbulb?
          One, if it knows its own Gödel number.

    2. Philosophy.

      Q: How many Duellists does it take to change a light bulb.
      A: Uniquely only one.

    3. Rather than trying to reproduce it here, I’ll just put in a link to Roy Zimmerman’s “Socialist!” which has one of the longest lightbulb jokes I’ve ever heard. (Starts at about 2:30)

    4. How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?

      200: 1 to change the lightbulb and the other 199 to sit in the audience and say, “I could do that!”

    5. How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb?

      1: She holds the light bulb up to the socket and world revolves around her!

  59. Rebuttal to that philosopher guy who said “I think, therefore I am”: I stink, therefore I am. (That’s what I say to myself after a long hot day of heavy labour on the farm.)

  60. Tolkien joke:

    How many Elves does it take to change a light bulb?

    They don’t change it, they just sit around in the dark singing sad songs about The Glory of the Light That Was.

  61. Anybody ever wonder where Pope Benny got those red shoes he used to wear? On his last world (?) tour, the Good Witch told him: “Should anyone try to arrest you for child molestation, just click your heels together and repeat three times, there’s no place like Rome.”

  65. Q/Why do elephants have 4 feet?

    A/They would look bloody stupid with 6 inches.

  66. When someone’s arguments fail one after the other and they still maintain they are correct, my comment…

    He’s like the man who thinks he’s won because his hair has stopped falling out failing to realise he has gone completely bald.

  69. Okay one more – but it’s just a situational thing not a joke.

    I was at a wedding years ago in a Catholic church at the priest told everyone not to take pictures because this was “a house of God”. However, there was a professional photographer and he was allowed to take pictures. So, I leaned over to my friends and said, “….because God frowns on amateur photography”. It was fun watching my friends trying to keep from bursting out with laughter.

  70. A joke I made up in grade 6 or 7:

    What do you call a race between two corpses?

    A: Stiff competition.

    Vaal

  71. This one came to me as I was sitting in Ecology a couple weeks ago.

    Q: What was the salmon’s response to finding out how human activity had affected his migration?
    A: Dam!

  73. Fresh out of my fetid brain this morning.

    Things you’d rather not see: the Wizard of Oz, in toto.

  75. A friend of mine and I once invented (or so we believe) a brand of wordplay whose archetypal form is: “If a web-footed winged waterfowl were to fly towards you at head height … would you duck a duck?” The form became known in our circle as “double ducks”.

    Entire evenings would be taken up whereby the conversation was heavily dominated the invention of yet more elaborate puns of this nature. This went on for about six months, maybe longer, I didn’t time it.

    Time and memory permit me only to relate a few of the more elaborate ones of these.

    “If you spend too much time eating, drinking and sunbathing in America’s Sunshine State, do you become florider in Florida?”

    “If you inserted a pair of impoverished West European aquatic birds into a liquidiser, can you then pour two poor Portuguese geese?”

    And finally, for today:

    “If you were in a torture chamber, undergoing an inquisition, and to add to your suffering, the torturer played some lugubrious music composed by a Russian romantic composer, would it cause you to cry out: ‘Rack man! Enough Rachmaninov!’?”

  76. What’s the difference between superstitious and religious?

    The superstitious man crosses his fingers.

    The religious man fingers his cross.

  77. Did you hear about the recent documentary, Islam: The Religion of Peace? It bombed, unfortunately.

    My first ever anonymous post here. Sorry, Jerry!

  78. Another verbal one. Needs a good Glaswegian accent at the end.

    My Scottish grandmother likes to make pasta dishes.

    Does she do it al dente?

    Not really. More [phonetic:] al dan te a crisp.

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