Proof that Jesus was male

March 7, 2012 • 8:14 am

His floury image just appeared on a tortilla in New Mexico, clearly showing a beard and moustache.

David Sandoval said he discovered an image of Jesus on a tortilla his mother baked for Ash Wednesday.
He couldn’t bring himself to eat the tortilla, so he posted a picture of it on Facebook.
“Everybody has been able to see it. They’re calling it a miracle,” Sandoval told local station KOAT-TV.
“New Mexico has always been known to have interesting things happen during Lent time.”

Given that every image of Jesus that has ever appeared, from chairs to tortillas to tree trunks, shows him as unambiguously male, I think we can take that as dispositive that he was male, and therefore not a hermaphrodite.

88 thoughts on “Proof that Jesus was male

    1. I would have guessed PZ Myers. Is there any rule that says you have to be dead before you start showing up on tortillas?

      1. Yep. I kept trying to tell folks that above.
        “Le Zouave” (see above comment). But would anybody listen? No. Too busy giving their pesky wrong opinions to listen to their betters.

      1. You’re right, if Mary had a beard, it was a wonderful Baron Davis/James Harden beard. The beard on the tortilla is unworthy.

  1. Finally the evidence that I was waiting for: served on a plate!

    Is this the childish belief that the Rabbi was talking about in your post yesterday.


    1. That’s the Holy Ghost, silly. Clearly, you’re interpreting Pacman too literally. It’s a metaphor! For…something or other…

    1. There are many examples of the in-bread cat meme. Ceiling Cat is a bone fide deity.

      Now we have an image of an in-bread Jesus, who is a considered a deity by billions.

      Ergo, inbreeding is next to godliness, and gods differ from humans simply by having higher levels of homozygosity!

  2. Wait a second, what about all those images of the Virgin Mary that appear on various assorted foodstuff/walls/dogs-rear-ends etc.
    They are rarely labelled as “Mary”.
    Perhaps these are really showing Jesus and we are just mistaking them for his Mom!

  3. My mother, who was brought up in the depths of Louisiana and died recently at age 93, always asked about the whole god is a man thing. She wondered what he did with the male part, why he had it, did he go to the bathroom with it, was there a Mrs God so he needed it.

    She would have fed the taco to her dog.

      1. I wouldn’t exactly use the term “tasty” when describing the “host”. Of course, I was a protestant who was only eating a chaste (and very bland) representation of Jesus’s body. My next door neighbor who was catholic actually got to eat flesh. I thought her religion was way cooler than mine.

  4. What with the ridiculous amount of money offered for these holy food sightings, I’ve just got to start looking more closely at what I’m eating!

  5. You know what would get my attention? If one of these images appeared that looked like a guy from the part of the world where Jesus was allegedly from, that’s what.

      1. Excellent! Rightside up, a Jewish rabbi; upside down, a German shepherd. If this toast had come up in the 1930’s, probably Hitler wouldn’t have had a leg to stand on.

        1. Careful! I thought the only Holy Wars allowed on this website were ones involving God. (And in this context, God != Linus Torvalds or RMS… )

  6. If somebody showed me that tortilla before I knew that people went around claiming it be a face of Jesus, I would never derive Jesus out of those abstract burn marks.

  7. It looks like a melanoma to me.
    Which raises the question
    “if my melanoma looks like jesus is it sacreligious to have it removed?

  8. I think that Freewheeling Franklin Freakowtski had the best experimental protocol for determining someone’s maleness. Unfortunately, since the comics are still in copyright … the panels are not online. But for those who know the strip, it’s the “one-liner I wish I’d thought of at the time” in response to a redneck comment that “with that long hair, I can’t tell if it’s a boy or a girl”.

  9. Who tf bakes a tortilla! The masa or dough is placed on a hot, dry, comal. There is no oven involved. Pinche guey!

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