I didn’t really know what a “Helter Skelter” was until reader Michael called my attention to the fact that one of them was being built in Norwich Cathedral (admission: £2). And it’s apparently one of the Church of England’s desperation tactics to bring British bums into the pews by making church “fun”. That Church is bleeding members faster than my ducks expel poop, and so they’re trying to amalgamate God and games.
I’ve previously written about how the Anglican Church was building a miniature golf course in Rochester Cathedral so that young folks could play golf, learn about engineering from the bridges on the course, and, of course, find God. That move was criticized by some because it lacked gravitas, but Canon Matthew Rushton, from Rochester Cathedral, defended it:
Cathedrals are very confident at the moment to innovate and have events like this and to tell people about our faith in Jesus which is what we’re all about. The Archbishop of Canterbury said to us that if you don’t know how to have fun in cathedrals then you’re not doing your job properly.
What?
Well, so be it. Now Norwich Cathedral has picked up that idea, as described in on the cathedral’s blog as well as a BBC site. Click on the screenshots below to read all about it. (Can a Jesus and Mo strip be far behind?)
A helter skelter is a slide, and this one, which you see above, will be up for ten days. The BBC reports about it (very briefly) here:
But wait—there’s more. Besides the helter skelter, presumably rented from some carny shysters, there will also be a labryinth.
It’s almost embarrassing to read how Canon Bryant justifies putting a fairground ride and a maze in the nave. No, it’s not a gimmick, but a way to commune with God. To wit:
Could the playful presence of a helter skelter help to open up conversations about the building, help open up conversations about God? [JAC: NO!] This unexpected presence in the Cathedral would act as a draw. Climbing to its top, the visitor will literally see the Cathedral differently. They will also come closer to the roof bosses and to the story they tell, the story of Salvation.
Although the star attraction, the helter skelter will be only one of the ways our visitors will be encouraged to think about seeing it differently. Visitors will be encouraged to literally lie down and look up. We know from previous occasions how much visitors love being able to simple lie down and enjoy a different perspective on the building. And as they lie there they will be gazing up at the story of salvation.
In the North Transept there will be the opportunity to walk a labyrinth. This ancient practice of intentional walking has long be recognised as a way of helping the walker see things differently, gain a new perspective in their life. For the more passive in the South Transept will be a Bible Box, offering the opportunity to literally sit inside the Word of God. Surrounded by all the words of Scripture, and the story of Salvation, how would you see life differently?
This is turning necessity into a virtue. I’d be willing to bet money that attendance at the Cathedral doesn’t markedly increase after the helter skelter and labryinth are taken down. Can a grown man really write stuff like the following and mean it?:
The fun comes in the shape of a helter skelter. The serious comes in creating opportunities for reflective, God-shaped conversations. It is playful in its intent but also profoundly missional. It is the Cathedral doing what it has always done – encouraging conversations about God. By its sheer size and grandeur it speaks of the things of God; it points beyond itself. Its sheer presence helps to keep the rumour of God alive and plays its part in passing on the story of Salvation.
Truly, there is some desperation infusing the good men of the Church. How on Earth can a slide encourage conversations about God, much less “pass on the story of salvation”?
Well, I will pass on, except to note that this geegaw has also met with criticism, as the BBC reports:
From the piece:
Dr Ashenden, Missionary Bishop for the Christian Episcopal Church, said the clergy at Norwich Cathedral had been “unprofessional” and were “making a mistake about what a cathedral is good for”.
He said there was no evidence that tourists become Christians and “just to put in entertainment is naff”.
“For such a place, steeped in mystery and marvel to buy in to sensory pleasure and distraction, is to poison the very medicine it offers the human soul,” he said.
Ashenden happens to be the same person who threw shade on Rochester Cathedral’s miniature golf course. As I reported (link above):
Dr Gavin Ashenden, former chaplain to the Queen, above, who deserted the Church of England after the Koran was read in Glasgow Cathedral, told Church Militant:
The Church of England, suffering a reductio ad absurdum, has turned its Catholic cathedrals into entertainment centres. Having lost contact with transcendence, majesty and holiness, the C of E has become a branch of the leisure and entertainment industry. Since they no longer know what a cathedral is, or what it is for, it is indeed time for them to return them to the Church that conceived, built and knows how to honor and use them.
Ashenden, Bishop of the Anglican Episcopal Church, also expressed his fury to the BBC, saying:
I’m afraid I think it’s a really serious mistake, perhaps born of desperation. The idea that people are so trivial that they can be almost tricked into a search for God by entertaining them with a golf course is a serious-category error.
Damn killjoy Episcopalians! Must they really speak truth to superstition?
A reporter has just taken a ride for the 1700 GMT national BBC TV news. It was a thrill but he didn’t have much time to appreciate the architecture. Then the dog collar talked a load of codswallop.
The old Beatles song finally makes sense to me. Thanks!
It is saddening that the about most inoffensive form of Christianity is that desperate. I would have loved to see this in the churches of some more repressive sects, or even better, in a mosque.
Charlie Hanson’s gang members like the idea.I wonder: When you get to the bottom and want to go back to the top for a ride,do they need £2.00 again?
You meant Charlie Manson, no? I wonder if they’ll let him out to cut the ribbon. Or did he just die recently?
86 on Charlie Manson. He crossed the rainbow bridge in 2017.
No he didn’t ,the tw*t just died.
The English cathedrals recently started charging £11 for entry, whereas it was free before. Who knows what other funfair rides the Archbishop of Canterbury has got lined up for us? Mind you, £11 for a helter skelter is a bit steep: I hope the price is coming down fast.
It might be coming down fast but it’s still miles above what I can afford.
(I feel dirty now)
jejeje
I tried to set up a coconut shy and a taffy stand in my local mosque and they were similarly sniffy. I told them all the proceeds would go to charity, but they kept probing me on my definition of ‘charity’, so I just gave up.
The next steps should be obvious. A bowling alley at St. Paul’s would be nice, an ice-skating rink at York Minster, and of course a haunted house amongst the tombstones at Westminster Abbey. I can hardly wait.
I remember helter skelters from my childhood in London. They were always great fun. I’m scared of heights but these are not high enough to trigger my fear, at least not as I recall.
Next stop, Sistine Chapel. I guarantee that a good game of whack-a-mole and some penny-pushers will get the crowds in. Stick some pinball machines in too, maybe an indoor go-kart circuit(and get rid of that rickety old ceiling) and you’d have a genuine tourist attraction.
Does the Rvd Bryant wear a red nose when welcoming visitors at the cathedral? If not, he is missing an oportunity.
The dog collar is enough!
“This ancient practice of intentional walking”
Walking on purpose, rather than accidentally, I guess. It’s true that humans have been doing that for a while. We’re sort of famous for being bipedal.
My oh my, what will they think of next.
It looks to me rather like a Tower of Babel. And speaking the universal language too — money.
Not just you. Knowing only the adverbial meaning of helter skelter (damn you, auto correct, stop writing Helier smelter) I first thought of old illustrations of the Tower of Babel.
A helter smelter would send you straight down to hell!
When I get to the bottom I go back to the top of the slide
Where I stop and I turn and I go for a ride
Till I get to the bottom and I see you again
Do, don’t you want me to love you
I’m coming down fast but I’m miles above you
Tell me, tell me, tell me, come on tell me the answer
Well, you may be a lover but you ain’t no dancer.
“I GOT BLISTERS ON MY FINGERSSS”
God I love that song. So heavy.
Wow, I saw this on the BBC news earlier today; well that’s certainly one way to put a Grade 1 listed building to good use! I can’t help thinking that this latest stunt bears all the hallmarks of a pretty desperate attempt to ‘entice’ people into religion. I’d go along for the ride (on the helter skelter, that is…)
Further, as a planning lawyer in the UK, my first thought was: I wonder if they obtained listed building consent for that?!
Norwich, according to the last Census, is one of the least religious places in England. The bishop’s fighting a losing (lost) battle.
No wonder god(s) favoured Liverpool FC last night.
Pah – the favour went to the big pockets of the cash-rich club…
In the wake of the Rochester nonsense, there have been a number of pieces in the UK press about what cathedrals could really be used for. The former (and late) PM, Sir Alec Douglas-Home, for instance, apparently once said that he could never enter a cathedral nave without wondering if it would take spin.
A letter in The (London) Times today recalls that when the great cricketer Leslie Ames was awarded an honorary degree by the University of Kent, the main speaker identified the columns down the nave of Canterbury Cathedral at which, respectively, Harold Larwood would have begun his run-up, the Australian batsman would have taken his stance, and Ames would have stood as wicket-keeper. The nave was just about long enough.
I am sure that 90% of those here will not have the faintest idea what I am talking about. Still, the idea of professional sport in cathedrals is not to be sneezed at. (Baseball, anyone?) It would be a lot more fun than most of what goes on there.
I’ve never been in a nave to be honest but from the above description, I doubt it would be long enough for Lillee off his long run or where the slips would be standing for Thommo.
Putting a helter-skelter in a church is one thing, but it’s not so fanciful at all to bring sport into the Christian church. Bowling in Germany originated in a Christian rite, a sort of Bowling for Heathens, which consisted of rolling a round stone down a runway to knock down a club or kegel, the kegel representing a pagan. https://www.britannica.com/sports/bowling. I rather like that.
Church membership has been on the slide for a long time in the UK.
A game or two of snooker at some holier of the holies within Vatican City in a few years might induce one to consider that god(s) created the law of conservation of momentum (or at least energy/momentum, though surely the godly frame is singled out as special for observation, given Milton’s “ETHERial”).
“The Reverend Canon Doctor Gavin Ashenden is a good friend of mine, (and sparring partner). I must write and congratulate as well as commiserate with him on this latest atrocity!
Full disclosure – I was a chorister there!
Very funny…
The mini-golf course and the carny rides were in the nave, not in the chancel, and every year, there are art and history exhibits in naves around the world. People today are blissfully unaware that the nave was used as a semi-secular space for centuries, until the Reformation and Counter-Reformation turned Christianity into a misfortune instead of a joy. There are even medieval accounts of monks playing games in the nave. What in the world is wrong with having fun?