I’m not even going to try to show some gravitas today. Instead, we’ll finish the day (it snowed, too) with the Joe Black joke, which for some reason I find hilarious. I can’t remember who first told it to me, but stop me if you’ve heard it before.
Two guys were sitting in a bar talking. One guy was Joe Black, and the other guy was named Fred. As they were talking, people kept coming in and going out of the bar. Everyone who walked past said “Hi” to Joe Black.
Fred finally said. “Wow, Joe—you really know a lot of people”. To this Joe replied, “I do indeed. In fact, I know everyone in the world“. At this Fred laughed. “No, really!” said Joe, “I really do know everyone in the whole world.” They argued quite a while about this until Fred said, “I’ll bet $1,000 that you don’t know the Mayor.”
Joe warned Fred that he did know the Mayor and that Fred was sure to lose his money. Fred took the bet anyway. So on to the Mayor’s office they went. Upon entering, they were greeted by the secretary with, “Hi, Joe, how ya doing today?” Joe said, “Great; I need to see the Mayor”. To make a long long story a little shorter, the Mayor knew Joe very well.
Fred was a little upset about this and asked Joe if he could go double or nothing on whether Joe knew the President of the United States. Joe warned Fred again that he was going to lose his money, but if Fred were willing to pay for their travel to Washington, D.C., he’d gladly take the bet. As it turned out, the President knew Joe very well, even inviting the two for dinner in the White House.
After this Fred was really pissed. He said, “Joe, I’ll bet you $100,000 that you don’t know the Pope.” (Fred was a rich guy.) Joe tried to talk Fred out of the bet, again telling him he would lose his money, but Fred insisted. So off to Rome they went.
When they got to the Vatican, Joe told Fred that not just anybody could get inside to see the Pope. He gave Fred a pair of binoculars and told him to climb a hill behind the Vatican and watch for him and the Pope to come out in the yard and wave to him. Fred was a little wary at first but finally agreed.
Fred waited on the deserted hill in the hot sun for over an hour. Just when he was about to leave, he saw two people coming out the Vatican door. The two walked to the middle of the courtyard and started waving up at the hill.
Fred wasn’t sure what the Pope really looked like, and, since he had a lot of money riding on this, he wanted to make sure that it really was the Pope, “But how?”, he thought. Just then a dusty-looking old peasant walked by. Fred figured that a local should know what the Pope looked like, and called him over. Fred gave him the binoculars and asked him who those people were waving below.
To this the peasant replied, “I’m not sure who the guy in the robe is, but that other guy is Joe Black!”
I’ll be here all week, folks. Don’t forget to tip the waitress. And leave your favorite joke in the comments.
Ba dump bump.
My personal favorite…
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who do not.
A _Sixth Sense_ themed … well, it’s a puzzle rather than a joke.
I can see dead people.
How many?
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Is it 57005? (DEAD in hexadecimal = 57005 in decimal)
👍
Or as my Dad used to say…
There are two kinds of people: Those who think there are two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, those who do not…and those who were not expecting a joke in ternary!
Sea Mammal
A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.
“Wait a minute,” said one of the researchers, “wouldn’t it be a kindness if our ship’s doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?”
“Not on your life,” exclaimed the doctor. “That would be defeeting the porpoise.”
A hydrogen atom walks into a bar and says, “I seem to have lost my electron.”
The bar tender says, “Are you positive?”
Hmmm, I think we have a piece of new particle physics here.
You see, this joke doesn’t work if particles are swapped for anti-particles. Which isn’t right as I understand things : swapping particles for anti-particles should preserve interactions. So, does humour act as a detector of CP-violation?
I feel a deepakitty coming on.
The anti-joke works too, you forgot to change charge in the joke as well (“Are you negative?”).
But I am sure you knew that.
Three strings go into a bar. Two sit down at a table and the first string goes up to the bar to get them all drinks
The first string says, “Bartender give me three beers.”
Bartender takes one look and says’ “we don’t serve your kind in here.”
First string tells his buddies and the second string goes up to get the drinks.
Second string says, Hey! We want three beers!”
Bartender says, I told your friend, we don’t serve strings in here!”
Second string returns to the table in a huff.
Third string says he has an idea. They loop him around and tie him into a ball with one end hanging off. They take that end separate the strands so that it looks like hair on a head. Third string goes up to the bar and asks for three beers which the bartender gladly provides.
Then he has a thought, “Hey, aren’t you one of those three strings I saw come in here?
Third string replies, “No, I’m a frayed Knot…
I have a worse one than that, with a “why not” punch line. Which has, indeed, had me punched on occasions.
But it’s a visual joke.
Reminds me of the dreadful joke in “The Moon is a Harsh Mistress” by Robert Heinlein, concerning a woman named Wyoming Knott.
I came up with mine out of whole cloth in the back corner of the Blue Lamp, in 1986. And got punched for it.
I didn’t really get into Heinlein until the mid-90s.
But yes, Wyoh was a good one.
I’m smiling and groaning at the same time.
Then my work here is truly finished…
Sub
How old is this joke? I’m now wondering which came first … this joke or the movie called “Meet Joe Black”, the harbinger of death. One of my favourite scenes of this movie is where Joe Black talks in Jamaican patois. Brad Pitt did a good job in this fanciful movie.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meet_Joe_Black
I heard this joke at least 40 years ago, except it was “Joe Macintosh”.
Thanks. I bet the Joe Black remake is recent then.
I heard it about 20 years ago, but then it was “Barney Suggs from Parramatta.”
Australian chauvinism, I think.
Someone should write a PhD thesis about the recyling of jokes.
I’ll make a comment about that a few hours ago, once I’ve finished re-sublimiating some thiotimolene.
(I hope I’m remembering my non-Robot Asimov correctly.)
The Endochronic Properties of Resublimated Thiotimoline
That’s one half of the joke, but there’s another Asimovism in there too. He did do a short story – I think involving a stationary “positronic brain” rather than a robot – and the death of jokes.
I just can’t remember the name.
Hmmm, all I can find in my dog-eared copy of I Robot is Escape!, about a positronic brain in a spaceship playing a joke on the occupants.
QT-10? Which got Hollywooded a while back IIRC.
-ine, I think.
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The other story was “Jokester“
Ah, yes, couldn’t have told you want it was called but I recognised OT from your description in the comment below(?).
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Ah, missed this comment. Yes, I remember it now.
Heinlein suggested a computer that had had so much peripheral memory added over time that it eventually became self aware. This was realised by the computer repair man who discovered it was playing “jokes” by issuing pay cheques with lots of zeros added to the amount.
“Mike” – short for Mycroft – in “The Moon is A Harsh Mistress”.
A motorway and a dual carriageway were sitting in a pub talking about who was toughest.
“I’m so hard, I have millions of cars parked on me for hours every day” boasts the M25.
“Yeah well I’M so hard that even the North Circular runs away when he says me” boasts the A1(M).
Just then a long, thin, red strip of tarmac talks in and the M25 hides under the table. “What’s the matter” asks the A1(M). “I thought you were hard!”
“I am”, said the M25, “but you don’t understand. That guy’s a fucking cyclepath!”
Everyone likes a good penis joke –
Why do some guys give their penis’s a name?
Because they don’t like strangers making 95% of their decisions.
Guy walks into the doctor’s office and says, My name is Fred Freed, it’s my penis. Sir! You can’t talk like that in front of all these women and children. He replies – my name is Fred Freed and it’s my nose, I can’t pee through it.
I asked my eight year old the penis joke and he said…uh, because it likes to stand up every once in a while.
Guy walks into the doctor’s office and says ‘Doctor I’ve got a penis with holes along it and when I pee it goes everywhere’. ‘OK’ says the doctor writing a prescription.
The man looks at the prescription and asks ‘Why are you sending me to a music tutor’?
To which the doctor replies ‘To improve your fingering’
Not sure about favorite or especially funny, but the latest joke I heard was that Sarah Palin endorsed The Donald….
b&
Ben, you missed it about two posts earlier.
But you are correct…nothing funny there.
From your side of the Atlantic, maybe …
A guy goes to his doctor and says, “Doc, I want to live to a hundred!”
So the doctor asks him, “Do you smoke?” No.
“Do you drink?” No.
“Do you sleep around with loose women?” No.
So the doc asks, “Then why do you want to live to a hundred?”
Alternative version:
A guy is told by his doctor that he is terminally ill and has only a short while left to live. Man: “That’s terrible news – is there anything at all that can be done?”
Doc: “Well you could give up smoking fine cigars”
Man: “That’s really tough as I love my cigars but if you recommend it I’ll give it a try. Is there anything else?”
Doc: “Well, I’d suggest you should also give up drinking fine wines.”
Man: “Oh no! I love wine so much! But if you think I should, I’ll try and give it up. Is there anything else?”
Doc: “You could also try giving up sex”.
Man (aghast): “Really, that’s terrible. I get so much pleasure from sex but if you think so I’ll try and give it up. It’s going to be tough but if I do all these things, Doctor, will I live any longer?”
Doc: “Well, no but it will certainly seem like it!”.
Doctor: “I have bad news. You have a terminal disease and you have only a short time to live.”
Patient: “Oh, no! How long do I have?”
Doctor: “10.”
Patient: “What, months?”
Doctor: “9.”
Patient: “Do you mean weeks, or months, or?”
Doctor: “8..7..6…”
There’s a slow echo in here …
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Old guy goes to the Dr. and the Dr. says,
“I’ve got bad news and worse news.”
Guy says, “What’s the bad news?”
Dr. says, “You have cancer.”
Guy says, “What’s the worse news?”
Dr. says, “You have Alzheimer’s.”
Guys thinks a minute and then says, “…. Well at least I don’t have cancer!”
Speaking of Alzheimers (not a joke, but amusing in its own sad way) I recall reading a report of two rest home patients who were in court on assault charges after having a set-to in the grounds of the rest home. The magistrate discharged them both without conviction when it became apparent that neither could remember the incident.
cr
Always thought Rodney Dangerfield was the king of the one liners and he once went to the doctor for a check up and the doc said he had the body of a 20 years old. A very sick 20 year old.
Rodney Dangerfield:
“Love your neighbor as yourself?!” What, I have to jerk him off too?”
After George Bush is elected President, but before taking office, he visits the White House for tea with the Clintons. After a while he asks to use the bathroom. Bill Clinton says “Please = use my private bathroom. It’s along the corridoor, on the left”.
Bush goes to the bathroom and is astonished to see that Clinton has a solid gold urinal. On the journey home, he tells Laura about it. “I wish you could have seen it” he tells her. “It was just amazing. I need to get something like that”.
Later that week, Hilary Clinton and Laura Bush are having lunch. Laura says “I must tell you how impressed George was with Bill’s gold urinal. It is all he has talked about this week”.
Later that night, as they are going to bed, Hilary says “Oh Bill – I forgot to tell you. I’ve found out who peed in your saxophone”.
ROTFL!! 8)
cr
A man walks into a bar and asked for a double entendre – so the barman gave him one.
The General is doing an inspection of the military hospital. In the first bed a soldier is sitting to attention.
The General says, “What are you doing in here, soldier?”
The soldier replies, “I’ve got gonorrhea, Sir”.
“I see…And how are they treating you?”
“Caustic soda and a wire brush, Sir”.
“And what’s your ambition?”
“To get back to the regiment, Sir!”
“Jolly good, carry on”. And he walks on to the next bed, where a soldier is lying to attention, face down.
“And what’s your problem, soldier?”
“Piles, Sir”.
“Ah, very painful. And how are they treating you?”
“Caustic soda and a wire brush, Sir”.
“And what’s your ambition?”
“To get back to the regiment, Sir”.
“Excellent, at ease”. And off he goes to the next bed. Another soldier lying to attention, on his back.
“And why are you in here, soldier?”
“Laryngitis, Sir” (in a hoarse whisper).
“And how are they treating you?”
“Caustic soda and a wire brush, Sir”.
“And what’s your ambition?”
“To get the wire brush before the other two buggers, Sir”.
You work for the BBC? The version I know – which goes back in my memory to Spike Milligan, but was probably old before he defeated Rommell – is for “wire brush and Dettol”.
No, I’ve never worked for the BBC; but I heard that joke at least 40 years ago, and I wouldn’t be surprised to find Milligan having told it before then. People were probably telling similar jokes around the time of the Crimea.
Tool light-hearted for the Crimea. Medical treatment then was basically amputation without anaesthetic. Bit too un-funny for wire brush and Dettol (™)
That is the longest version of that one I have ever heard, and better than all of them! Thanks!
Choose any school you dislike the most:
“What’s the difference between a Liberty University graduate and a pepperoni pizza.”
“A pepperoni pizza can feed a family of four.”
“American Non Sequitur Society–we don’t make sense, but we do like pizza!”
What’s the difference between a juggler and a park bench?
A park bench can support a family of four
Same joke also works for musicians.
How do you get a luthier off your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
“I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead.” ― Laura Kightlinger
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“I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, “I helped skin Bob.” — Jack Handey
I don’t get it😖
Yeah, well I guess in a way that might make them all “guilty.” If you’re looking to do that and going to be super picky and honest about it, that is.
“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home’.”
He said, “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”
“Is it common?” I asked.
“It’s not unusual,” he replied.
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Galileo Galilei is sitting at home despondent that his arguments for a heliocentric universe have not just been ignored but have aroused the ire of the ominipotent ecclesiastic authorities.
The agents of the Inquisition burst through his door, drag him to the Vatican and down the sweat slicked stairs to the torture chamber. They ‘show him the instruments’ He recoils in terror and begs forgiveness for his error.
Historians are unsure exactly what this means but the consensus leans to bagpipes and accordions.
I am nopotent I misspelled the word.
“The agents of the Inquisition burst through his door…”
I bet he wasn’t expecting that.
In Italy they do expect it…
Their chief weapon is surprise… fear and surprise
Their two chief weapons, fear, surprise… and ruthless efficiency!
Er, among their chief weapons are fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and near fanatical devotion to the Pope!
I’ll come in again…
OK, here’s the cleanest RCC joke I know.
A gentlemen is visiting a GP for the first time.
The past medical history is pretty uneventful, other than the fact that the patient smokes and drinks scotch.
GP comes to some delicate questions:
GP: “About how often do you have sexual intercourse?”
Patient replies: “About 2 to 3 times a month, on average.”
GP asks, “Is 2 to 3 times a month satisfying to you?”
Patient, “Well more would be better but I think it’s pretty good for a priest in a small town.”
A rabbi, a minister, a priest, farmer and his daughter , a black guy with an Irishman and an Italian, a traveling salesman and a blonde all walked into a bar and sat down.
The bartender said “What is this? Some sort of a joke?
Ah, metahumour!
Famous Hungarian physicist Leo Szilard gave his first seminar in English. After the talk, physicist Jackson came over and asked:
“Look, Szilard, what language were you talking in?”
Szilard was flustered but found a response:
“In Hungarian, of course, didn’t you understand?”
Jackson parried:
“Of course, I understood. But why did you cram so many English words in it?”
A man walks into a bar to watch a Jets/(insert American football team you don’t like) game, and brings his dog in with him.
The bartender says, “Hey, we can’t have dogs in here, he’ll have to go.”
The man says, “I’m sorry, we’re just both really big fans of the team. I promise he’ll behave himself. Can we please stay?”
The bartender says, “Well, okay, but if he does anything wrong you’re both gone.” The man agrees and takes a seat at the bar.
A few minutes of the game go by, and the Jets score a field goal. At this, the dog jumps on the bar and walks down it giving everyone at the bar a high-five. The bartender turns to the man and says, “Woah, that’s amazing! He really is a big fan. What does he do when they score a touchdown?”
The man says, “I don’t know, I’ve only had him five years.”
I live in Cleveland, and unfortunately that describes the Browns…
old Jewish joke:
Sarah and Abe go to bed. Abe is tossing around, can’t fall asleep.
Sarah: “Why are you not asleep?”
Abe: “I borrowed $100 from Moshe, so now I’m worried how I’m going to pay him back”.
Sarah gets up, opens a window and shouts:
“Moshe! Moshe!”
In a window across Moshe appears and asks: “What do you want, Sarah?”
Sarah: “Does Abe owe you $100?”
Moshe: “Yes”
Sarah: “Well, he’s not paying you back!”.
She shuts the window and turns to Abe:
“Sleep, Abe, now let him worry!”
It was a day as usual at the Colosseum, and the lions and Christians were having at it in the arena. But suddenly one of the lions managed to escape and was roaming the streets of Rome. An unsuspecting Christian was walking down the street when he was confronted by a lion that was obviously hungry. There was nowhere to run so the man fell to his knees and said, “Lord, please make this lion a Christian!” The lion fell reverently to a crouch, bowed his head., and said, ”Lord, for this bountiful meal I am about to receive, let me be truly thankful.”
Many times when Bill is troubled or confused, he finds comfort in sitting in his back yard and having a vodka and cranberry along with
a quiet conversation with Jesus. This happened to him again after a particularly difficult day.
Bill said ‘Jesus, why do I work so hard?’
He heard the reply: ‘Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather.’
Bill said: ‘I thought that money was the root of all evil.’
The reply was: ‘No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad’.
Bill was starting to feel better, but he still had that one burning question, so he asked it. ‘Jesus,’ he said, ‘What is the meaning of life? Why am I here?’
Jesus replied: ‘That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone… I would love to chat with you some more, Senor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn.’
A virus walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve viruses in this bar.” The virus says, “Now we do.” (Brian Malow)
A guy goes to confession and says “Father, I’m 75 years old and I’ve been married for 50 years, and I’ve always been faithful to my wife, until yesterday, when I made mad passionate love with a pair of 20 year old twins”
Priest: “I see. How long since your last confession?”
Guy: “Never, I’m Jewish.”
Priest: “Well, what are you doing here?”
Guy: “I’m telling everybody.”
Another Jewish joke
Moshe is hit by a car whilst crossing the road.
On the stretcher whilst being wheeled into the emergency room the doctor asks “are you comfortable?
Moshe replies “I make a living”
And another…
Moshe is buttering his toast one morning, drops it and is amazed to see it land butter side up.
He goes to the rabbi and relates this thing to him and the rabbi says he will consider it and get back to Moshe.
A week later the Rabbi talks to Moshe and says, “We discussed this among the elders and we have the answer to this riddle.”
“What is it?”
“You put the butter on the wrong side of the bread.”
What’s the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?
The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
I hadn’t heard that one in ages, and it was with a Corvette or a Porsche;-)
Haha! It’s a bit like this one:
Q: what’s the difference between the London Symphony Orchestra under the baton of [insert conductor of your choice], and a pedigree bull?
A: the bull has the horns at the front, and the a*sehole at the back…
Or from about 30 years ago:
“How are Transams and haemorrhoids the same?”
—- “Sooner or later every asshole gets one.”
The doctor said to the man, “you’re in great shape for a 70 year-old; how old was your father when he died?”
“Who said he died? We just celebrated his 90th birthday.”
“That’s great,” replied the doctor, “how old was his father when he died?”
“Who said he died? He’s 110 and going strong. In fact, he’s getting married next week.”
“Why would a 110-year old man want to get married?”
“Who said he wants to get married?”
Heh, have heard exactly the same joke, but with Dai Jones instead. Must have been the Welsh version.
My dad told it, too, but I don’t remember tha name he used (and I didn’t recognize it until the punchline).
Schrodinger and Heisenberg and Ohm are on holidays together, speeding down the highway. Cop pulls them over and says ‘Do you know what speed you were doing?’. Heisenberg says ‘No. But I know exactly where we are.’ Cop says ‘You were doing 80 in a 60 zone.’ H starts yelling ‘Aaarrrgh – now we’re completely lost!’ Cop gets suspicious and asks them to open the boot (OK OK trunk). He says ‘Do you know you have a dead cat in there?’ S yells ‘Well, we do NOW, asshole!’ Cop goes to arrest them and Ohm resists.
Had never heard the Ohm part;-)
Skeleton walks into a bar. Says, “Give me a beer and a mop.”
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich.” The panda yells back at the bartender, “Hey man, I’m a PANDA. Look it up!” The bartender opens his dictionary to “panda” and reads: “A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
Oops…not a marsupial. Need to leave that out of the joke.
I always confuse pandas and coalas.
In the version of that joke that I know, the book says “Eats, shoots and leaves” – it’s the superfluous comma that causes the panda’s behaviour!
Now the joke that I heard with that very same punchline was definitely NSFW.
8)
Acknowledgement to Lynne Truss. Why is the apostrophe so abused? Not that is is in your joke.
A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind in here”.
“Why not”?
“You can’t hold your liquor”.
A guy walks into a bar in Queensland, Australia, leading a crocodile on a string and asks “Do you serve Poms (Englishmen) in here?”
“Yeah, mate”
“Right, I’ll have a Fosters for me and a Pommie for me mate here”
cr
As a Queenslander, I’m obliged to love it! However, nobody, absolutely nobody in Australia drinks Fosters.
… there is a reason that you export it? Like Scots and blended whisky.
The Fosters in the US is made in Texas (last time I looked anyway).
And Carlsberg in Britain is made next to the Grand Union (or Grand Junction, I forget) Canal in Northampton.
Just shows my ignorance of Aussie drinking habits, I guess. Castlemaine 4X better?
OK, here’s another:
A pommie walks into a bar with a toad sitting on his head.
The barman says “Where’d you get that?”
And the toad says “It started as a wart on my arse”.
cr
Why do we eat sweets when stressed? B/c stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
In honor of next week’s holiday:
An Englishman is being shown around a Scottish hospital.
At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:
Fair fa’ yer honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain e’ the puddin’ race!
Aboon them a’ ye tak your place,
painch tripe or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o’ a grace
as lang’s my arm.
The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into:
Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit.
This continues with the next patient:
Wee sleekit cow’rin tim’rous beastie,
O what a panic’s in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
wi’ bickering brattle.
I wad be laith to run and chase thee,
wi’ murdering prattle!”
“Well,” the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, “I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last.”
“Nay, nay,” the Scottish doctor corrected him, “this is the Serious Burns unit.”
Good on. Took just a second …
Excellent!
What does a Scotsman wear under his kilt?
Lipstick, on a good day.
Excellent!
Two jokes I learned from The Pinkah
A Jewish farmer was once visited by his friend from Texas, who bragged that he could drive with his car into the sunset and still not reach the end of his farm. To this, the Jewish farmer replied: “I once also had a car like that.”
Two carpetenters are building a wooden house. One of them is always throwing away some nails. The other one asks: “What are you doing?” — “these had the pointy end at the wrong side!” — “You idiot! [leave a pause] We need them when fix the other side of the house!”
From an old Punch cartoon:
A TV newscaster:
In our next item today, astrology as a science took a great step towards credibility when, as predicted, everyone born under the sign of Scorpio was run over by a milk truck.
Blonde joke:
A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o’clock news, and saw footage of a man about to jump off a bridge.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, “$50 says the man is going to jump.” The blonde replies, “Okay you’re on.”
The man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.
The brunette says, “I can’t take it. I have to confess I saw this on the 5 o’clock news.”
The blonde says “No, fair’s fair, I saw the 5 o’clock news too, but I was betting he wouldn’t do it again.”
cr
Via Arthur Smith on Radio 4 some years back:
A man goes to the doctor for a routine check up. The doctor listens to his heart beat, takes his blood pressure, tests his reflexes, and then sits back and says, “I’m very sorry, sir, but I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”
The patient reacts with open horror. “What? Oh no! But … why?”
To which the doctor replies: “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
**
And since nobody’s mentioned it yet, what about the dyslexic Devil worshiper who sold his soul to Santa…
Or the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who lay awake all night contemplating the existence of Dog.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. They have a few drinks and then leave.
Not a joke, just something that used to happen before my Irish colleague moved away.
Did I misunderstand the point of this thread?
Here’s one from Richard Wiseman’s “Quirkology”:
A dog goes into a telegraph office, takes a blank form and writes:
“Woof woof woof. Woof, woof. Woof. Woof woof, woof.”
The clerk looks at the paper and politely tells the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another “Woof” for the same price.
The dog looks at him quizzically and replies: “But that wouldn’t make any sense!”
My god! That is my favourite joke! I was debating whether to pick that one or my brother’s; I went with his because I thought I was the only one in the world who found the dog joke funny.
(P.S. The punchline I use has the dog saying: “But… that would be silly.”)
Excellent book, which I’m currently re-reading.
On a farm a cow & a horse are complaining about who has the toughest life. The cow says, “It’s bad. They take away my calf as soon as it’s born, they clamp cold metal suction devices to my teats twice a day and the doc is always stickin’ his arm up my rumpus!” The horse says, “Well my lot is worse cause I have to pull that damn plow through the field all day, pull the wagon to town afterward and then give the farmer’s kids rides on my back.”
A dog sitting nearby pipes up: “Naw, I got it worse! I can’t go inside when it’s cold, I only get fed leftover scraps the farmer throws me & he kicks me when he’s mad.”
The cow looks at the horse and says, “Holy mackeral! A talking dog!!”
This is my brother’s personal favourite…
An old man walks into his grandson’s house and sees his grandson in the same spot he always sees him – on the couch, playing some computer game.
The grandfather is disgusted. He tells his grandson: “What are you doing, frittering your life away on the couch like that? You know what I did at your age? I went to the Moulin Rouge; I waltzed in as though I owned the place. I leapt over the bar, poured myself a drink, tossed it down, leapt back again, led the whole room in a chorus, made love to one of the dancers right out in the open. That’s what I did.”
The grandfather walks off, still muttering to himself.
He comes back a few weeks later. His grandson is still on the couch, but not playing a game: he has a leg and an arm in a cast, a neck brace, and a black eye. The grandfather asks: “What happened to you?”
“I took your advice,” the grandson says bitterly. I went to the Moulin Rouge, and tried to do what you suggested – but I got beaten up and thrown out.”
“Who did you go there with?” the grandfather asks.
“Just some friends. Why, who did you go with?”
The grandfather replies, “With the SS.”
It’s the November of 1944, and Hitler has an inkling he might not be as popular anymore as he used to be. He decides to check what the man on the street thinks about him, dons civilian clothes and a false beard, and goes for a walk at Unter den Linden.
There, he asks the first person he is meeting: “What’s your attitude towards the Führer?”
The man looks around, then says in a muted voice: “Ok, I’ll tell you, but not here.” And drags him into a quiet sideway. There, he bows down to Hitler’s ear, and whispers: “I support the Führer!”
I love that! Nicely subtle. Took me a few moments to get it.
cr
The joke below is told in different variants, changing with current events and politicians. It isn’t necessary for the three persons to ask the same question – can be 3 different questions.
God invites Rouhani, Assad and Putin and tells that if they like, each of them can ask him a question.
Rouhani says, “Almighty, you know that wicked and envious leaders of other countries badmouth Iran, mainly because of our admirable peaceful nuclear technology. When will be Iran recognized by the international community to be a normal state?”
God replies, “In 40 years.”
Rouhani exclaims, “But I won’t be alive to see it!” and starts weeping.
Assad says, “Stupid and wicked Westerners say bad things about my country, that it is allegedly ruined and all because of me… When will Syria be recognized as a normal state?”
God replies, “In 60 years.”
“But I won’t be alive!” says Assad and starts weeping.
Then Putin says, “Those same stupid Westerners accuse me of invasions and assassinations and say that Russia is rogue. When will they recognize my homeland as a normal state?”
God just starts weeping.
A man goes to the doctor for his annual physical. The doctor examines him very carefully, shakes his head, and says, “I’m afraid I have some very bad news for you. You don’t have long to live.”
The man is flabbergasted. “Oh no! How long do I have, doc?” he asks.
“Ten,” the doctor replies.
“Ten? Ten what? Days? Weeks? Months?”
The doctor says, “Nine …”
😀
A doctor calls a plumber out in the middle of the night to come and fix a problem. The plumber protests that it’s very late and he has already gone to bed but the doctor insists and tells him that it’s an emergency and says that if the plumber was sick in the night he’d certainly expect the doctor to attend whatever time it was. Reluctantly the plumber agrees to come. When he arrives at the doctor’s house he marches straight to the bathroom, throws a couple of aspirins into the toilet bowl and says “if it’s not better in the morning give me a call”.
A bartender tells a customer, “You’ve had enough. I’m cutting you off.” The drunk goes out and comes right back in. “I told you I’m not serving you!” the bartender says. “You have to leave.” The drunk goes out and comes right back in. The bartender yells “I’m not serving you! Leave!” The drunk peers at him and says “Christ! Do you work at EVERY bar in this town?”
A young man gets a job as a waiter at the Savoy Grill in London. On his first day he is a bit nervous but everything is going quite well until he is serving a table at which a rather buxom lady is sat. To his horror one of her breasts escapes from her low-cut dress but, without hesitation, he takes his serving spoon and pops it back into the dress. A few moments later the maitre d’ who witnessed the whole incident, takes him aside and praises his initiative and prompt response and adds “but at the Savoy we normally warm the spoon first”.
Ah – a restaurant spoon joke! Here is another:
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, “Why the spoon?” Well,” he explained, “the restaurant’s owners hired Kurt Salmon Associates to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.” I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”
“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.”
“After you get it out, how do you put it back?”
Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”
Policeman sees a blonde with one of her breasts hanging out.
“Excuse me miss, but one of your breasts is visible. We have a council bylaw prohibiting that. I’m afraid you’ll have to cover it up.”
The blonde looks horrified, “Oh my God…”
“Don’t be so alarmed, miss, it’s hardly a major crime”
“No, you don’t understand, I left the baby on the bus!”
cr
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.”
The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
A true story, rather than a joke…
About 30 years ago, New Scientist magazine asked readers to write in describing the most unusual uses for condoms they had found.
One man wrote in to say that in his lab they used them as ‘flutter valves’: cut the ends off, slide them over glass tubing and they’d let gases flow out of the tubes but not back in again. Simple, cheap and effective.
But they got through quite a lot of them this way, so each Monday morning on his way to work, someone from the lab would stop off at Boots the Chemist (drugstore, to Americans) to get the week’s supply. One morning there was a new girl on the counter when the man asked for the usual order of twelve dozen packets of three. She was a bit taken aback, but recovered gamely enough, asking if he wanted the kind with little teats on the end or without – and the man said “It doesn’t make any difference, we always cut the ends off them anyway”.
Okay, here is my absolute favorite joke. In my experience people either tend to think it’s hilarious or they don’t get it at all. Usually the last, I’m afraid:
A guy walks into a bar and notices that there’s only one other patron: sitting at the end of the bar is a man with a giant round orange head. They start chatting about this and that – the weather, the game on tv – and finally the first man says “Excuse me, but there’s something I have to ask you about …”
The man at the end of the bar smiles and interrupts him: “I know, I know – you want to ask me about my giant round orange head, don’t you?” A quick nod.
“Well, it happened like this. I used to be a normal, ordinary-looking guy. But one day I was walking along a beach and came across an old lantern in the sand. I picked it up, brushed it off – and suddenly a genii appeared. He told me I had three wishes.
So first, I asked for a million dollars. Poof! Right next to me was a huge pile of money. Then I asked for a beautiful woman to love me. Poof! There she was, hanging on my arm and gazing up at me adoringly. The genii reminded me I had one last wish.
And that’s when I think I made my mistake. I asked for a giant round orange head.”
A guy walks into a bar and notices that there is a tiny man, a foot tall, playing the piano by running up and down the keyboard and stamping on the keys. It’s wonderful music but the only other patron looks very sad.
“Why are you so sad when the music is so wonderful”? he asks.
“Well, it happened like this” said the sad man “I was walking on the beach when I stumbled upon an old lamp. I took it home and when I cleaned it a genie appeared and told me he could grant me one wish. I guess he must have been a little deaf – which is how I ended up with a 12 inch pianist.”
Yes, that’s the great joke which is more familiar. Its popularity helps set up the giant round orange head joke: we’re waiting for a pun. But the joke is ahead of us.
An oldie but goodie … (the Joe Black joke)
My favorite:
What did the hotdog vendor say to the Zen Master?
Let me make you one with everything.
[To which many add:]
The Zen master pays for the loaded dog with a $20 bill and asks for the change.
The hotdog vendor replies: Change only comes from within.
Or, the Dalai Lama and pizza …
/@
Some Canadian explorers are waylaid by a storm and lose their watercraft.
They get a message out: “We need three punts and a canoe.”
The reply comes: “Girls are on the way, but the hell is a panoe?”
A man walks into a pub, with a cat on his shoulder. He orders a pint and a meatball, drinks the pint, feeds the meatball to the cat, and pays in small change.
Then he orders a second round. One pint, one meatball, he gets the pint, feeds the meatball to the cat, and pays in small change.
This happens thirty times in a row. Then the barman says: “All right. A guy drinking thirty pints – I’ve seen that, if not often. A guy carrying so much change in his pockets – I can at least imagine that. But a cat who can eat thirty meatballs, please, explain that to me.”
“Well, easy”, says the man. “I met the fairy godmother. Three wishes. First, always space for a nice pint. Thirty rounds? No problem. Second, always enough loose change. See? No problem. But the third one I think she kind of misunderstood – when I said I always want to have a greedy pussy around.”
One of my favourites is a cartoon (no, not one of those).
We see a man standing in a tailors trying on a new suit. The left side of the suit is black and the right side is white.
The tailor says “It is quite a broad stripe sir.”
Man wakes up in a strange motel room with a skull-splitting hangover and as he stumbles to he bathroom he kicks a bottle on the floor. A puff of blue smoke and a genie appears.
‘You may wish for anything you want’
‘I thought that I got three wishes’
‘You did but you used the first two’
‘I don’t remember any of that!’
The genie laughs and says ‘That was your second wish’
‘OK, then I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world’
The genie laughs again and poof, it’s done.
‘Why are you laughing?’
‘Because that was your first wish.’
Angus wobbling home from the pub stumbles and lights on his arse in the ditch. As he’s picking himself up he spies a bottle and thinks ‘Me luck’s not all bad’ and pulls the cork. Blue smoke and a genie appears.
‘Thank you for freeing me from my prison. You may have three wishes!’
‘OK, I’ll have bottle of whisky.’
‘That’s not much to ask for, most people want a brazzilion pounds or some such’
‘Wait’ says Angus ‘It has to be a magic bottle. No matter how much I sup from it, it’s always full’
‘That’s more like it.’ Poof and the bottle in Angus’ hand takes a new weight. He takes a long pull and is amazed at the quality, easily the best malt he’s ever had. He takes another long pull and look! It’s still full!
He put the cork back in and resumes his homeward trek.
‘Wait, You have two more wishes’
Angus looks at the genie, holds up the bottle and says ‘I’m not daft, I’ll have two more of this.’
Reblogged this on peakmemory and commented:
This is great.
A penguin bought a new car and took it for a drive in the country.
While driving around he noticed thick white smoke started to pour out the exhaust.
He stopped at the nearest garage where the on duty polar bear mechanic said he had time and would gladly take a look at it.
To kill time the penguin walks next door to an ice cream parlor and orders a double scoop cone of vanilla ice cream. While walking around and enjoying his ice cream he gets it all over his face. When he returns to the garage, he opens the door and shouts to the polar bear, “Did you figure out what’s wrong with my car?”
The polar bear shouts back “It looks like you’ve blown a seal!”
And the penguin replies “No, it’s just ice cream!”
Love it!
An old chap walks into a doctor’s surgery. The doctor asks him how he/she can help. Well, he says, I have a bad flatulence problem. Fortunately the farts don’t smell and are silent. But I fart so often. Would you believe that I have farted three or four times since I came in to the surgery. I see, the doctor says. Take this prescription to a pharmacy, take the drugs as shown and come back in two weeks.
This the patient does. On the next visit to the doctor he reports that the frequency of flatulence is just as bad, and they are still fortunately silent but that the smell now is terrible. Ok, says the doctor. We seem to have fixed your sinuses. Now we’ll work on your hearing.
There were three pregnant squaws who were all due around the same time. One had a son who was born on a deer hide. Another had a son born on a bear hide. The third had twin sons who were born on a hippopotamus hide.
And this just goes to prove the old theorem that:
“The sons of the squaw on the hippopotamus hide are equal to the sum of the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.”
I’ve told that joke ( which I love) in my math classes and most of the kids didn’t know what a squaw was!
what did the snail say when it jumped onto the turtle’s back?
Wheeeeeeeeeeee!
An elderly prostitute visited the doctor and said “Doctor I’ve got a problem with my aviaries”.
The doctor replied “I think you mean a problem with your ovaries, madam” but the the woman insisted the problem was definitely with her aviaries.
The doctor agreed to examine her and she got up onto the couch. After a moment or two the doctor said “Yes, I can see what you mean – there’s been a cockatoo in here!”.
The next meeting of the Family Planning Association has been cancelled due to the withdrawal of the guest speaker.
From a notice of events at a church posted in a newspaper:
Thursday 7 PM: Meeting of the low self-esteem support group. Please use back door.
My favorite joke:
Bill gets a job as a bartender in an Old West saloon. The owner tells him there’s only one rule: when Big John comes in, close the saloon and get everyone out.
Months go by, then one afternoon a guy rushes into the saloon, terrified, screaming at the top of his lungs, “Big John’s a-comin’, Big John’s a-comin’!”
Instant pandemonium and panic, everyone in the saloon stampedes trying to get out and Bill is trampled underfoot and knocked out. He comes to a moment or two later – and the town’s deserted. It’s a total ghost town.
Then Bill hears a rumble of thunder in the distance. He looks down the town’s one street and in the distance he sees an amazing sight. Eight Feet Tall. Five Hundred Pounds. Riding a buffalo bareback and whipping it with a life rattlesnake.
The monster comes to a screeching halt outside the saloon, hops off the huge buffalo, stomps into the saloon, ripping the swinging doors off their hinges and flinging the rattlesnake against a wall. He stomps up to the bar, smashes it in two with his huge fist and says in a voice like low doom, “I WANT A DRINK.”
The bartender is crapping his pants but manages to hand the monster a bottle of rotgut whiskey. The huge man takes it by the neck and smashes it open, drains it in one swallow, wipes his hairy face with a huge paw.
The bartender asks, “D-d-do you w-want another d-drink, sir?”
The guy says, “Naah, I gotta get outa here. Big John’s a-comin’.”