Reader’s comment of the day

February 23, 2015 • 12:12 pm

This just came in as a newbie’s comment; of course I binned it but will reproduce it here. It’s from one “Bob Hutton,” the name he/she used; Hutton attempted to add this comment to the thread about “Some good news: Muslims protect a synagogue.”

While I would never condone hatred of Jews or Muslims it has to be said that both Islam and Judaism are wrong; this is because they do not believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God.

Oy gewalt! He doesn’t condone hatred but almost certainly believes that Muslims and Jews face eternal immolation, BECAUSE THEY’RE WRONG. And it has to be said!

How can such people exist in this world? I need some jokes to dispel the Black Dog* created by such comments. Humor below, please.

____

*Not Cyrus

151 thoughts on “Reader’s comment of the day”

  1. Bob, I note that your god died from being nailed to a tree. What is your reaction to greater gods, such as Thor, who carry hammers?

    Cheers,

    b&

        1. And my hilarious joke was marred by autocorrect. It should of course be “nailed it”.

      2. The same thing happened to Martin Luther when he said to his servant “I want you to take this piece of paper and mail it to the church.”

    2. Thunderous applause!
      What? a full week and no-one picked that low-hanging fruit?

        1. IIT just came to me. Hit me like Mjollnir between the eyes.
          Just lay my bones on the cart and drive the goats off to Valhalla towing my body.
          Meanwhile, I have some shield-biting norwegians to see in the bar.

  2. Would other religions be OK if they believed he was the nephew of god? Or his great grandson? Or his third cousin twice removed?

  3. I’ve gotten mixed messages about what happens to an unsaved soul after death. Sometimes it’s eternal torture, others it’s just a little bit (a thousand years maybe) of torture before the soul is destroyed forever, and yet still others the lake of fire instantly destroys a soul and there is no torture at all.

    So, give Bob a break. Maybe he’s one of the compassionate ones who believes in the instant-death lake of fire. 😉

    1. I bet they would enjoy the lake of fire in New England right about now. They could finally clear the streets and roofs.

    2. I hear it depends on how much fire resistance gear you have equipped. A full smelter’s set + flame quartz +3 + flash sweat should give you a full minute of fiery torture before fiery death. Of course you can always chug some estus to prolong the suffering.

  5. I note that you didn’t specify the quality of humor you’re after.

    “Do you like Kipling?”

    “I don’t know, I’ve never kippled.”

  6. OK. Here’s some humor. Below is today’s post from Anu Garg’s excellent A.Word.A.Day email service, which sends out, ah, one word each day. Anu assigns a theme to each week and on Monday, there’s an introduction to the theme. Here’s today’s. (The actual word is “modus operandi.):

    A.Word.A.Day
    with Anu Garg

    Angela Kubicke, a 15-year-old from Vermont, wrote to her state senator to suggest a Latin motto for the state, “Stella quarta decima fulgeat” (“May the fourteenth star shine bright”), as Vermont was the 14th state to join the United States.
    Pretty harmless? Yet some citizens took Latin to mean Latin America and brought out their inner xenophobe (http://www.ifyouonlynews.com/politics/daily-derp-vermonts-new-state-motto-is-in-latin-conservatives-bash-latinos-screenshots/). So much for “E pluribus unum” (“Out of many, one”).

    Languages are a reflection of our interconnected history—they all borrow from each other. If you speak English, you speak parts of more than a hundred languages.

    This week we focus on Latin. We’ll see five terms from Latin that are part of the English language.

    1. I loved the comment on there about drafting a law to make all science, engineering and mathematics use ‘Arabic’ numerals…

      Sssh don’t tell them…

  7. Question: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
    Answer: 1 in 50 million have a chance of becoming a human being.

  10. My joke (yep, written by me):

    Q: Why was the squid so willing to apologize?

    A: Because it was a Humboldt squid.

      1. Perhaps I should add that only the son of the FSM would be so piratey that he could claim having braved stormy waters on a sea no more than 8.1 miles wide, 13 miles long and 141 feet deep (sometimes referred to as “a lake”). Not to mention, he was so sea-worthy he would have slept right through it had he not been disturbed by his less-than-pastafarian underlings.

        http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sea_of_Galilee
        http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Storm_on_the_Sea_of_Galileehttp://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Calming_the_storm

  13. My favorite Chriatmas joke (better told than written, ideally in Archie Bunker’s voice):
    Joseph is looking at the gifts and says, “Gold, that will be useful; frankincense, I guess that smells pretty; myrrh- MYRRH? [angrily] Who gives a baby myrrh? JESUS CHRIST!”

    1. Here’s the version I heard. The three Wise Men go to the manger in Bethlehem. Then one of them stubs his toe painfully, and cries out “Jesus Christ!” Mary responds, “Hey! That would be a great name for the baby!”

      I’ll be here all year, folks. . .

  14. How many Coloradans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Two. One to roll the joint and the other to forget what they were supposed to do.

  15. A rabbi, a priest and an imam walk into a bar. What a remarkable example of inter-faith harmony. © Stewart Lee. x

    1. Yes, but here it has to be said in a funny way. My meager attempt:

      “Larsson’s third law:
      Any sufficiently advanced theology is indistinguishable from magic.”

      [What is the 1st and 2nd laws? … I’ll get back to you.]

  17. A person with the tag, “Franz” posted a comment on a Yahoo! article the other day (as usual, his comment didn’t even pertain to the article):

    “The Internet is the ‘Beast’ the bible talks about. It was created by evil people and people do evil things on it. Instead of helping, technology is dooming us all.”

    I replied, “Yeah, Franz- you’d better get off of it, as soon as possible!”

  20. Jesus & Moses decide to do some fishing, and for old times sake, decide to flex some of their powers in doing so. They head out in a boat on the Sea of Galilee: “OK Moses, just part the water next to the boat, and I’ll step out, walk up to the edge and snag a fish or two. It’ll be a blast.

    Moses parts the water, Jesus steps out and sinks like a stone. Moses obligingly parts the water around Jesus all the way back to the shore, Jesus cursing and sputtering all the way.

    “I don’t know what the hell went wrong, Moses. It used to work so well before.”

    “Well, you know, that was before you had them holes in your feet.”

    2. “…Sit down, Sit dow, Sit down, Sit down,
      Sit down you’re rockin the boat!”

      (from Guys and Dolls)

  22. I was with him up until the semicolon. They are wrong because they believe in a magic sky god*

    *except secular Jews.

  23. The Seahawks coach is reportedly being recruited by the Vatican as a special consultant. They want to know how one can get one hundred million people to stand up and shout “Jesus Christ!” at the same time.

    😀

  24. Why does Jesus hate M&M’s?

    Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands …

    Jesus walks into a hotel, puts 3 nails on the desk and says “can you put me up for the night”?

    1. Hhahahhahhaa. That hotel one made me laugh out loud at work. I’m going to tell this one to my kids when I pick them up from school this afternoon and see if they need any help understanding it.

      1. Another one to tell them – a visual joke:

        Ask them “do you know what this is?” — and proceed to frantically chomp the palms of each hand, alternating one after the other. It helps to make anguished faces in the process. Really get into it. When they give up:

        A: “Jesus biting his nails”.

    2. A duck walks into a bar and asks, “Got any grapes?”

      The barman replies, “No, we don’t have any grapes.”

      The next day, the duck walks into the bar again and asks, “Got any grapes?”

      The barman replies, “/No/, we don’t have any grapes.”

      And the following day, the duck walks into the bar yet again and asks, “Got any grapes?”

      The barman replies, “*No*, we *don’t* have any grapes.”

      So, this goes on for a few days, with the barman getting increasingly frustrated, until he finally snaps: “No, we don’t have any f***ing grapes. We’ve never had any f***ing grapes. If you come back and ask for grapes again, so help me, I’ll get a hammer any nail your f***ing bill to the bar.”

      So the next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks, “Got any nails?”

      The barman replies, “No, we don’t have any nails.”

      “Got any grapes?”

      /@

      1. A bartender says to a drunk, “You’ve had enough. I’m cutting you off.” The drunk gets up, leaves, then comes right back in. The bartender says, “You’ve had enough. Leave!” The drunk goes out and comes right back in again. The bartender, really exasperated, says, “I’m not serving you! Get out!” The drunk stares at him and says, “Christ! Do you work at EVERY bar in this town!?”

  25. But what if you, Bob Hutton, are right? What if unbelievers of Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior are wrong? What can you do, Bob, to enlighten us all?

    I have an idea and I wholeheartedly hope that you will implement it:

    Get yourself a couple of white undershirts and write on them the following:

    Jesus said: “I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me.”

    I say a couple of t-shirts, cause you’ll have to wear one of them every day from now on, so you might wash them every other day…

    Then, when you have died, in case you were right, remove your top and reveal the inscription on your chest, pointing at it, and shouting at all those who happen to enter the world beyond together with you, on the top of your voice please:

    “See???? TOLD YOU SO!!!”

    It should be a proud moment for you indeed!

    Until then, you can do us nonbelievers another big favour: get off our lawn.

    1. Jesus said: “[…] [N]o one comes to the Father but through Me.”

      You know, that’s an awfully kinky scene Jesus is setting up, there — the sort of thing you’d expect to see in the more adventurous parts of the Castro District rather than broadcast on the 700 Club.

      b&

      1. Had to look up 700 Club on wiki…

        “… Airing each weekday, the news magazine program features live guests, daily news, contemporary music,…”

        Oh Jesus! What the hell?.. Have they not run out of librettos yet? Christ on a bike!…

        1. “On the air continuously since 1966, it is one of the longest-running programs in broadcast history.”

          It has a lot of humor – every time Pat Robertson speaks and makes an ass of himself.

      2. Come . . . onnn. Two wet suits, multiple elongated appurtenances?

        Oh, no, on second reading you’re right. It sure wouldn’t be broadcast on the 700 Club, because what happens behind closed doors stays behind closed doors.

        1. I seem to remember as a kid my uber religious grandmother would put her hands on the screen when Robertson would hold his up to pray. I thought it was really awkward despite being inculcated as baptist. Little 7ish year old mind thinking “I wonder if she knows he can’t feel her hands?” Followed by a 10ish year old mind “I wonder how many other people are doing that?” When I was in middle school I was playing cards with a classmate while she was visiting and she snatched the cards up, tore as many as she could up as they feel from her hands and shouted “there’s only one king!” which was followed by my inquiring as to how he could be the “king of kings” if he was the only one… she told me to clean up the mess.

          1. A fellow smartass! I too had a reputation as a smartass young boy. I didn’t think so myself of course, I just thought most adults weren’t really any smarter than I was, and were often flat out stupid. Couple that with a stubborn streak a mile wide and an unwillingness to take shit from anyone, even shit that only existed in my own mind, and you end up with a distinct lack of any sort of diplomacy. I’ve mostly grown out of all that by now. Mostly.

  26. A priest and two nuns are golfing. The priest misses a six foot putt, and exclaims “God damn it, I missed!. The nuns warn him about taking the Lord’s name in vain. He tries again, from two feet, misses again; “God damn it, I missed!”. The nuns fret as black clouds gather above. A bolt from heaven comes… and vaporizes the nuns. A booming voice calls out “God damn it, I missed!”

  28. Who paid for the last supper?
    Jesus got nailed for it.

    Jesus walks into a motel, and slams some nails on the counter. “Can you put me up for the night?”

  29. An Irishman and a Scotsman are arguing about whose whisky is the strongest. Finally, an American who has been listening can’t take it anymore and tells them, “As a neutral outsider I can settle this for you once and for all… Irish whisky is the strongest.”

    The Scotsman is furious and says “How do you know that?”

    The American says, “Well I once drank a bottle of Isiah whisky, woke up the next morning and went to mass.”

    The Scotsman says, “So what? What’s that got to do with anything?”

    The American says, “I’m Jewish.”

  30. “And the spirit of curiosity is not a good spirit. It is the spirit of dispersion, of distancing oneself from God, the spirit of talking too much. And Jesus also tells us something interesting: this spirit of curiosity, which is worldly, leads us to confusion.”
    — Pope Francis

    “Let us consider that we are all partially insane. It will explain us to each other; it will unriddle many riddles; it will make clear and simple many things…”
    — Mark Twain

  31. You want funny? My kids went to church with some friends the other Sunday and brought back this tale that they thought was hilariously stupid.

    The lady in charge of the kids, they said, explained to them that “scientists have found human footprints on the bottom of the Red Sea,” thus proving the Exodus really happened as the bible says!

    Even my ten year old kids tore that one to pieces.

  32. I like lightbulb jokes.

    How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb (I am a guitarist)?

    A: 200; One to change the bulb and 199 to sit in the audience and say, “I could do that!”

    How many pilots does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A: Just one, she holds up the bulb and the world revolves around her.

    1. How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

      Only one, but the light bulb, has to want to change.

  33. Here are some wry observations I had picked up on the internet:

    Your right hand has never touched your right elbow.

    If your shirt is not tucked into your pants, then your pants are really tucked into your shirt.

    Technically, we are all half centaur.

  34. I work at a place where we, among other things, print very large architectural plans and fold them to a convenient, handy size. On the folding-machine a colleague pasted the following joke:

    If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your “plans”.

    Take that as you will. I don’t believe in God, and neither does the colleague in question, but every time I see that joke it elicits a tiny inward laugh in me.

    1. What automobiles are mentioned in the bible?

      A Honda – The disciples were all in one Accord.

      And

      The sound of David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land.

  36. I still love that tweet PCC posted a while back, but I will repeat it for those who missed out.

    Why did God create Man?
    He wanted to return the favor…

  37. For non Texans, there’s a “minor” rivalry between the Univ of Texas and Texas A&M, resulting in things such as the following:

    Two students from A&M wanted to see the big city. The got on the road and headed south until they came to a sign that said “Houston Left”. So they turned around and went home.

    1. Oh, yeah, Aggie jokes. Here’s one:

      A brand new graduate of A & M decides to raise turkeys. He carefully plows & discs his fields, orders a hundred turkey poults, and plants them all head up. Even though he irrigates and fertilizes them carefully, they all die.

      So he starts over again, prepare the fields, orders new poults, and plants them all upside down. This time, despite all his care, they die sooner than they had the first time.

      Discouraged, he writes up a report of all he’s tried so far and sends it off to A & M for advise.

      After several anxious days he finds a letter in his mailbox from A & M, rips it open, and reads: “Please send soil sample.”

        1. Yep, heard that one. 😀

          Hear about the aggie coyote? Chewed off 3 of his legs and he was still caught in the trap.

  38. “I once asked the Lord why so many people are confused, and He said to me, ‘Tell them to stop trying to figure everything out and they will stop being confused.’ I have found it to be absolutely true, reasoning and confusion go together.” ~ Joyce Meyer

  40. And the Oscar for Best Joke Ever goes to:

    What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

    I don’t know, and I don’t care.

  41. Is it time for a bad poem:

    One bright day in the middle of the night
    Two dead boys got up to fight
    Back to back they faced each other
    Drew their swords and shot each other
    A deaf policeman heard the noise
    And came and shot those two dead boys

  42. How do you make an elephant float?

    Put two scoops of vanilla ice cream in a tall glass. Add the elephant.

  43. Late one night, a burglar broke into a house when he thought no one was home. He tiptoed through the living room, but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, “Jesus is watching you!”

    Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you!” the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage, and in the cage was a parrot. As he approached the cage, the parrot said loudly, “Jesus is watching you!”

    The burglar let out a sigh of disgusted relief and said, “You stupid bird!” To which the parrot replied, “I may be a stupid bird, but Jesus is a Rottweiler.”

  44. Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He lay awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

  45. The Light Turned Yellow

    The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

    The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

    As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

    He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
    After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally….I assumed you had stolen the car.”

    Priceless

    1. I don’t get it. What’s funny or surprising about posturing religiots acting like arseholes even when they’re not being overtly religious?
      I don’t want to be uncivil, but I’m thinking you might have got that from Readers Digest.

  46. Okay. Engineer joke.

    An engineer dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. The angel says “No, sorry, can’t find your name in my Big Book, you’re off down there I’m afraid”

    Some time later, God runs across the Devil and asks “How’s things?” The Devil says “Oh, not too bad. Definitely looking up, that engineer you sent us is good value. He’s already installed electric light and telephones, he’s working on air con…” “Engineer?” yells God. “You’re not supposed to have an engineer. Send him back at once!”
    The Devil says “No, you sent him and we’re keeping him. That’s the rules, we get all the ones you don’t want.”
    And God says “I’ll sue!”
    And the Devil bursts out laughing – “Yeah right. And just where are you going to find a lawyer?”

      1. Ditto. And, for him to outspokenly and seriously acknowledge being an atheist during the Cold War, with fearmongering against “godless Commies”, followed by leading laughter against God, Jesus, and the Catholic Church, is very impressive!

          2. Having been a fundamentalist evangelical Christian in my youth, I think I understand the American situation better than many other Brits. Here in the UK, it was common for churchmen to support left-wing causes like Pacifism and Nuclear Disarmament, and Donald Soper, who was widely respected, used to hold forth on such subjects regularly and very eloquently at Speakers’ Corner (Hyde Park). The right-wing press here (ie most of the press!) still like to “out” prominent figures of that era as “communists” (ie “traitors”), even though we were not actually at war with Russia, and people were quite free to espouse left wing causes if they so desired (passing on state secrets or fomenting industrial unrest being an entirely different matter).

            http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Donald_Soper,_Baron_Soper

          3. I suspect that since most British were pretty wishy-washy on the religion front, ‘godless’ was far from the most relevant or objectionable thing people could impute to Communism. A non sequitur.

    2. Dave Allen was a legend, and incredibly popular in his day. We never missed a programme of his!

      “May your God go with you.”

  48. Two Jewish guys in a tavern 2000 years ago in Judea. One says to the other:

    “Well, that’s a very nice story Joseph, but you still gonna have to marry the sl*t…”

  49. Leprechaun joke: this is for telling in front of a circle of listeners and one victim, and can be really stretched out. Let’s say the victim’s name is Jerry Babbington.

    … so I was in this Irish pub in Dublin the other evening, and believe it or not there were three leprechauns sitting in one corner (audience realises it’s a joke). Anyway, one of them looks at another and says ‘Seamas, you have tiny ears’.

    ‘Of course, I’ve got tiny ears’, says Seamas, ‘I’m a leprechaun.’

    ‘No, even for a leprechaun, you have tiny ears. In fact, I think you should be in the Guinness Book of Records for your tiny ears.’

    The tiny-eared leprechaun considers this, makes up his mind, and says:

    ‘By George, I’ll do it! I shall get my name in the Guinness Book of Records because of my tiny ears!’ And he gets up, whizzes out of the room, across the mountains, over the Irish Sea, all the way to London and the offices of the Guinness Book of Records. A mere half an hour later he hurtles back into the pub and sits down, sweaty and tired but elated, and declares

    ‘I’m in it! I was accepted into the Guinness Book of records because of my tiny ears!’

    He sips his Guinness, pauses, and remarks to the first leprechaun:

    ‘You know Michael, you have tiny hands.’

    ‘Of course I have tiny hands’, comments Michael, ‘I’m a leprechaun. We are tiny.’

    ‘No, but even taking into account that you are a leprechaun, you do have tiny hands’

    The same process happens, which again can be dragged out as long as you fancy. He gets into the Guinness Book of Records and arrives back in the pub. At this point all three leprechauns saunter into the toilet, where, as they pee, one of them remarks

    ‘Harry, it has to be said that you have a tiny penis.’

    ‘Well, of course I have a tiny penis, I’m a leprechaun, We are tiny.’

    ‘No, even given that you’re a leprechaun, you really do have a tiny penis. Why don’t you go off to London like me for my tiny hands and Seamas with his tiny ears and get yourself into the Guinness Book of records?’

    The leprechaun struggles for a minute, then bravely declares,

    ‘I’ll do it! I shall get myself into the Guinness Book of Records because of my tiny penis!’

    He zooms out of the pub, over the mountains, across the beach etc etc… and half an hour later stamps back into the pub, his little face furious, sits down at the table, and mutters into his beer:

    ‘Just who the feck is this Jerry Babbington anyway?’

  50. Two atoms are walking down the street when one of them said to the other:

    “Hey, wait a second. I lost an electron”

    The second atom said “It can’t be. Are you sure?”

    “Yes, I’m positive!”

  51. Okay, if people are seeking participle jokes, what are some of the toughest tasks in the US? Wheeling West Virginia, Licking Ohio, Flushing Queens (or NY), and so on.

  52. Two eggs are cooking in a pan. First one says:

    “Pheeew, it’s bloody hot in here, isn’t it?”

    To which the other responds:

    “AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! A TALKING EGG!!!”

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