New Christian app: “Shut up, Devil”

August 10, 2014 • 9:27 am

What do you get when you combine medieval theology with 21st-century technology? The “Shut up, devil,” app! Whenever Old Nick starts creeping into your soul, just start up the app and you’ll be presented with appropriate scripture to drive the Hornéd One away!

From Kyle Winkler Ministries; you can get more information and download it (apparently for free) here.

Screen Shot 2014-08-10 at 11.25.11 AM

h/t: Matt

67 thoughts on “New Christian app: “Shut up, Devil”

    1. I bet it has a section on “doubt”. I tried to download it to see, but I didn’t have enough space and am not curious enough to free up space for it.

  1. Ha. Was looking forward to seeing the comments on youtube they are disabled. Apparently its Shut Up Commenters too.

  2. Do you have to use your thumbs to control that app or does it come with a magic wand and pixie dust? Do you need to wear magic underwear or head covering for it to work correctly?

  3. Quick, where do you find, “Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones”?

    Ah, Psalm 137.9. Thank you, Shut Up, Devil!

    1. I’ll take Jesus quotes for $500, Alex.

      But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me.

      What is Luke 19:27?

      b&

      1. “What is Luke 19:27?”

        Luke went out for drinks after dinner. His friends will join him at 8 pm. He gets a half hour head start.

  4. I can’t wait for the “Shut Up Christians” app …

    Whenever you feel like pushing your holy book approved agenda of misogyny, homophobia, child abuse and just general denial of how the universe actually works it will present you with an appropriate selection from Sagan, Coyne, Dawkins and many others who actually generate new information about how the universe really works.

  5. Ha, an app directly from the tinfoil-hat brigade!

    Religionists do seem obsessed by magic “voices”. No wonder “STFU” is their and the accommodationists favorite response to just about everything, either directly channeling the Inquisition or indirectly in the form of “goddiddit/youcantdisprovegoddidditbecauseIsayso”.

  6. Why not just make an app that goes “la la la la la” that you can play when Satan starts whispering in your ear, or when you are in biology class.

    1. Is that the one where you can select air raid, police, ambulance and other sounds? That would be fun up until the TSA or state police drag you away.

  7. Well, doesn’t the bible say that the devil can quote scripture? This app quotes scripture. How do we know that this app wasn’t written by Satan?

          1. Well, between the time I asked her to the prom and the prom itself I met my future (and current) wife. Faith was no more. 😊

    1. Maybe we should come up with one that rebuts all their claims. They say: “God created Adam and Eve,” app says: “Were you there?”. They say: “God sent a Great Flood”, app says: “Were you there?”. They say: “Jesus rose from the dead”, app says: “Were you there?”, etc.

  8. the wave of the future: gideons will put a list of apps for your mobile devices in hotel drawers for curious religious types.

  9. What kind of measures do they have to make sure Satan doesn’t get in the phone and make it quote the wrong verses?

    I recommend users douse their phones in holy water first, just to be sure. If any sparks fly from the phone, this indicates possession, the spirit has exited and the threat has been neutralized.

  10. What kind of measures do they have to make sure Satan doesn’t get in the phone and make it quote the wrong verses?

    I recommend users douse their phones in holy water first, just to be sure. If any sparks fly from the phone, this indicates possession, the spirit has exited and the threat has been neutralized.

  11. Downloaded the app, and tried it out on my problems. There is no depth to the scriptures chosen to ward off the devil. No advice is given to address your problem. It is a collection of incantations to be said out loud to make you feel better, because presumably, you are throwing a spiritual punch at the devil. It is fascinating that anyone would benefit from this ritual.

    1. The Devil has NEVER spoken to me. I guess I don’t need this app since whatever I’m doing is obviously working!

  12. Won’t this get repetitive after a while? After all, there can’t be that many verses that tell you not to masturbate.

  13. I have downloaded this app but it doesn’t seem to be very helpful.

    Confusion:
    For God is not a God of confusion but of peace.

    How the fuck does this help exactly? None of these verses seems to me to offer any assistance at all. I suppose that’s not surprising really.

    Doubt isn’t there anywhere so obviously they hadn’t thought of that one.

  14. I installed the app, but it did not make the Devil’s voice in my head go away 😉
    I wrote a review explaining this to potential users.

  15. So, you did NOT memorize the relevant parts of Scriptures, yet you want to fight the devil. That won’t go well.

    Considering people are NOT really following the Bible (no bacon, all the ten commandments, etc.) if you were going to fight fucking Satan, does it looks like THIS would help?

    In fact this seems more like a trick to fool believers into a false sense of security.

  16. Seriously, just look at that shit-eating smirk on that dude on the youtube vid.
    Who the hell would trust their eternal souls to that yuppie a$$hole?

  17. Luke 4v5 says that, ” the devil showed Jesus all the kingdoms of the world.” So why didn’t Jesus tell his disciples about the existence of the continents of America & Australia; this would have enabled the Bible stories to arrive there sooner, 1500 & 1800 years respectively. Jesus could have used his talents of calming the storms on the Sea & walking on water & turning salt water into wine to sail around the world with the disciples in their little fishing boat. He could have got God to blow the wind in a helpful direction. ( John 14v13) If anyone died of yellow fever he could have just resurrected them. If he thought he couldn’t fit it into his diary then he could have at least told his disciples where to go. John 14v12 says the disciples should have been able to do greater things than Jesus.

    Perhaps Jesus wasn’t concentrating too well in Luke 4v5 because he was so hungry. If he had turned some stones into bread like the devil suggested in Luke 4v3 then Jesus might have been able to pay attention in class. Then he might have been able to pass the test instead of having to yell out in Luke 4v12 ” Do not put the Lord your God to the test ( for he will fail.)”

    Interesting that Joseph Smith noticed the massive oversight by Jesus – that he didn’t fly over to the U.S.A after blasting off from Cape Olives in Acts 1v9. So J. Smith fixed this by saying that in fact Jesus had touched down in America and told his stories to the native Americans ( who were really descendants of a lost tribe of Israel ) Somehow the natives had completely forgotten about this and had also totally forgotten that their ancestors had sailed from Arabia in 600 BCE across the pacific to America. Also the horses and cows & wheat & corn that the lost Israelites had brought to America all died out too, with out trace.
    David Fitzgerald explains all about it in his book , ” The complete heretics guide to western religion, The mormons ” ( Fitzgerald read from it at Skepticon 4, see youtube )

  18. That’s rich – if the ruddy christians had had their way there would BE no mobile phones or ‘apps’…

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