“I’m cuddly, too!”: Purity Bear saves you from secks

March 4, 2012 • 9:13 am

Via Religion Poisons we have this amazing video.  At first I thought this was a joke, but it’s real! To see the organization that promotes this execrable video, go to the Day of Purity website.

The Christian influence here is palpable (viz., the cross in the last scene).  A friend who watched this made the following observation:

The girl is portrayed as the temptress, just like Eve.  Adam just couldn’t resist her cunning enticements. Then we had all that incest, and a bunch of geriatrics procreating and a massive flood that killed everyone except a chosen few, blah blah, and now we are doomed to go to hell.  All this because of that slut Eve!  If only Adam had Purity Bear by his side to warn him.  Our species could have been saved long ago and wouldn’t need jebus after all.

And, as far as I remember, teenagers who take purity vows are more likely to engage in sex and (for women) to become pregnant than teenagers who don’t.

Among the other things that religion poisons is the joy of sex, which, when practiced between consenting adults using proper protection, is one of the greatest (and safest) joys of life. It’s up there with food and wine—but even better since it’s also a bonding mechanism.

Dude shoulda gone in for coffee.

h/t: Diane G.

66 thoughts on ““I’m cuddly, too!”: Purity Bear saves you from secks”

  3. Why did the front door to her house say “Please Use Front Entrance”. Gotta love those production values…

    1. Cannot find the stats now, but I am pretty sure that girls who take purity vows are more likely to ask their male partners to take the back entrance.

      2. Yep. Girls who wear “purity” rings and otherwise make an overt display of chastity are more likely to engage in anal sex.

        ‘cuz they don’t think it’s “sex”. Except, of course when guys do it to guys. Then, it’s totally sex.

    2. Wasn’t that “Little Ted” from Play School. All grow’d up now. He should have stayed with Jemima (well, that’s who I always thought he had the hots for).
      “Do something funny … or the bear gets it.”
      “Blackmail” is such an ugly word. I much prefer “extortion” myself.

  6. “And, as far as I remember, teenagers who take purity vows are more likely to engage in sex and (for women) to become pregnant than teenagers who don’t.”

    Specifically, I believe research shows these teenagers are more likely to engage in anal sex.

  7. Nice. And they can also retain their ‘virgin’ purity in the process. Win-win, baby!

  9. Holy creep, Batman! How beaten into intellectual submission do you have to be as a teen to not look at this and think the makers total wackos?

    Oh, and:

    Dude shoulda gone in for coffee.

    I am SO subscribing… 😀

    1. In the mosaic of vids that were presented to me by YouBoob at the end there were two that had pedobear in them

    2. Do you think that the people who could script and produce something this bad are likely to have a sufficiently close contact with reality to understand either “Pedo-bear”, or “irony”?

  13. Was Purity Bear’s voice-over a Catholic priest or was this just implied beastiality?

    1. I think you have to. Unfortunately, man/teddy bear marriage is illegal in most states. Let’s get this law changed.

      1. It is legal (if not compulsory) in certain states of extreme intoxication due to eating either the right mushrooms, or the wrong mushrooms (depending on what your reason for eating the mushrooms was).

        1. It’s clearly a slippery slope leading to all manner of depraved stuffed animal marriage, thus contributing to the breakdown of society, and hastening the eventual extinction of our species. And all because this kid can’t take a hint.

  16. I went to the site and signed up for a couple of purity cards, in the name of Brother Pedo Bear and SH Panda.

    I’ll let y’all know if they arrive…

  17. Always remember that if you think it YOU ARE JUST AS GUILTY!

    Besides adults have more fun in adultery than infants do in infancy

  19. Apparently comments on the vid need to be approved first. Not sure if my “Maybe purity bear was just jealous” comment will be accepted.

  20. Is there any greater irony than the fact that the Christian Right actually got their precious little adolescent daughters to say to their freshly scrubbed boyfriends: “Please, I want to remain pure for my wedding night, so only in the ass. Then I’ll blow you.” Well, at least these kids are really thinking outside the box.

    – Bill Maher

    1. How did Frank Zappa put it?
      http://www.lyricsfreak.com/f/frank+zappa/catholic+girls_20056731.html
      Pretty much all of the lyrics are relevant.
      (I’m almost tempted to take the site up on the offer to send a “Catholic Girls” ringtone to my phone ; if I recall, the track is about 10 minutes long.
      Ah, long nights on the minibus to the caves, wreathed in thick brown clouds of smoke. The joys of youth.
      I feel … almost moved to try to buy a copy. For nostalgia, because for certain the wife won’t let me play it on long drives.

      1. Purchased, a 2-CD set of Joe’s Garage. By the power of ebaY, my wife is going to hate Purity Bear, though she knows him not.

  21. That was Mohamed the Teddy Bear, trying to keep the Trinity worshipers’ numbers under control.

  22. Interesting. Even in a Puritan-created clip she gives him “what an ass…” look.

    1. Was anybody else disturbed by the high-school wedding? Remember kids, Purity Bear says “Wait until your married. But do it sooner rather than later. And don’t worry about those silly little things like college or a career. God will provide.” I’m probably reading too much into this, but it still kind of creeped me out.

    3. “…healthy family relationships…”

      Whatever tendencies and predilections Randy has lurking in the deep, dark recesses of his id, I’m certain “healthy” would not be an appropriate adjective for them.

    4. OMG. Did he produce all that lot unaided? (Well, except by his wife, one presumes she also assisted). Wasn’t called Randy for nothing, obviously.

      Check out their ‘Purity Ball’ – “The fathers place their hands on their daughters, and together we pray for purity of mind, body, and soul for generations to come.” I’m sorry, I just cannot read that with a straight face.

    5. On their “what about the boys?” page, I took the liberty of making a few edits.

      Modeling Manhood for Our Boys
      What we have done over the years is commit to proactively mentor bugger our sons through starting pedo groups that train boys to become cleave unto men based on biblical models. And now we see more and more of these things taking place, where sons and dads Scoutmasters take time to plan a camping trip together, or put together a sporting event where men can be men. This is important for young men to have, and it is in this kind of environment we have seen that they thrive in, not in a ballroom bathroom setting, but a more secluded place where men can lead sodomize boys.

  26. Nothing quite so pure as getting married at 18 for the sole purpose of having sex and divorced at 20 after finding out that you like totally different things in bed (or on the table, shower, where ever).

    1. …or as is frequently the case with such people, finding out one really prefers having the same things in bed — namely the same gender.

      Luckily, they also have workshops for curing that condition.

  27. This is crying out for Blind Date style thought bubbles. Here’s my attempt:

    [She] I had a really good time tonight.
    {But that snuff film was like really sick-making. What was it called? Oh yeah, “The Passion of the Christ”. All it seemed passionate about was S&M. Oh well.}

    [He] Yeah, me too.
    {Oh how I wish I wish I could say something cool, just once.}

    [She] I really like you a lot.
    {Despite your taste in movies}
    You know, you’re not like other guys.
    {He hasn’t tried to feel me up once. I wonder if he’s a virgin. Oooo, I would so like to do a virgin.}

    [He] I really like you a lot too.
    {Great comeback, not. Gosh, I feel all funny….}
    You look so pretty tonight.
    {But I wish your neckline were lower.}

    [She] You know, my parents aren’t home right now, if you want to come inside for a little bit.
    {I wonder if he’s a screamer.}

    [Bear] Hey, don’t do it. This decision could define the rest of your life. I know she’s cuddly; look at me, I’m cuddly.

    [He]
    {Damn, that put me right off. I really really should stop forgetting to take my meds. Damn damn damn.}
    Nah, you’re worth the wait. This doesn’t feel right.
    {I’d better get home quick, before the demon hallucinations kick in and the urge to kill kill kill. Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name….}

      1. Thanks. That encouraged me to finish the job. Here are the bubbles for the last scene:

        (Later that night)

        [He] “Now this feels right.
        {Oh yeah, for sure. Now that I’ve imagined marrying her, I can without sinning imagine taking her on our wedding night while I whack off. Umph. Ermph. …}

  28. This is a down right vile concept in both theory and practice. I recall about two years ago hearing about the real world effects of this abuse. There was a story about this movement on a 60 Minutes type show. It showed girls that had attempted suicide because they had become pregnant. The main point that I took away from the show was the father trying to impose religious beliefs on a child. When the kids are not able to control their hormones and behavior tragedy was usually the result. Locally, there is or was a large active group that was sanctioning this abuse. I do not remember if it Haggard’s church or Focus on the Family. Either way the concept is barbaric.

    1. From a cursory google search, it looks like it was Focus on the Wallet (as they’re affectionately known here) that was the big driver behind the local barbarism here. These people seem to think an evening of daddy-daughter bonding will take the place of education and open, honest discussion.

      1. Daddy-daughter bondage? I thought that was illegal?

        Oh. (Thwack!) BondING. Sorry, everybody. I must read more carefully.

  30. Are you sure is marriage? I just see a guy with a sex-in-public-worship-places fetish and a girl who doesn’t mind doing it nasty.

  32. “teenagers who take purity vows are more likely to engage in sex and (for women) to become pregnant than teenagers who don’t.”

    If only I had known that when I was a teenager!

  33. Hello Jerry. Do you have the source about what you said, that teens who take vows of purity are more likely to have sex and get pregnant?

    1. Jorge, here’s one study from 2009 that shows that virginity pledgers did not differ from non-pledgers in the number of partners they had and the age of first sex. It did show that pledgers were less likely to have safe sex, though.

      I was a pledger, not through a formal ceremony but as a result of abstinence-only education and a fundamentalist Christian upbringing. I started having sex at age 16 and definitely did not do it “safely” for quite a long time. This was from a combination of lack of knowledge about consequences, lack of access to contraceptives, and, most importantly, a refusal to admit that I was going to repeat my sexual transgressions in the future (even though I was in a LTR with a guy who definitely was not a pledger and with whom I didn’t feel comfortable talking about my own pledge). I thought that having birth control on hand would make me more likely to have sex, so I just refused to buy it. I’m incredibly lucky that the only negative consequences of my bad decisions were long nights of crying and praying for forgiveness; I somehow avoided getting pregnant.

  34. That bear just cracked me up, rising suddenly into view. And it looks weird, its eyes are too close together. Are we sure the clip was for real?

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