Happy Easter!

April 24, 2011 • 3:49 am

Today’s tale of the Resurrection comes from the LOLcat Bible, Mark 16:

OMG WARE TEH Happy Cat GO?!?!11!

1 K so tehn on Sundy Mary Magdaln an Mary hoo wuz Jamses mom taekd sum spisez to rub on teh Happy Cat husk soes it dont stank. 2 An dey getz to teh cavez rly erly in teh mornan, liek sunries. 3 An dey wuz wundrin hoo wuz gunna maekded teh srsly big rokk door opind. 4 An dey lookded an seen teh door alredy opind. 5 And wen dey goed in teh caev dey seen a d00d thar in wite robes, an dey got skeert. 6 Teh d00d sez ‘O HAI THAR, don be skeert. U comed heer lookin fer teh Happy Cat u lef heer, rite? He camed bak frum teh deds an aint heer no moar. 7 Now GTFO an txt Hiz d00dz an Pete an tell em dat dey can haz meetz wit teh Happy Cat in Galalee liek He sed befoer He wuz ded. kthxbi’

8 An teh chikz GTFO rly kwik cuz dey was srsly skeert, an dey dint tawk teh hole way homed. 9 An teh frst persn teh Happy Cat shode up fer wuz Mary Magdaln. He wonse pwnd sevn demans taht wuz livin in her. 10 An she teld Hiz d00dz abowt her meetz an dey maed a cry. :*( 11 Wen dey thunkd abowt teh Happy Cat seein Mary an not dem, dey stard thunkin ‘No wai. He stil dedz’ 12 Den teh Happy Cat apeerd to 2 moar uv His d00dz wile dey out taekn a walk. 13 Dey told teh udder d00dz bowt it but dey sez ‘No wai.’

Jebus pwns His d00dz fer bein n00bs

14 So den Jebus shode up to all his d00dz wile dey was NOM NOM teh cheezbergrs an yelt an pwnd dem fer not baleevin He wuznt ded no moar. 15 An He sez, ‘GTFO an GBTW tellin all teh cats an kittehs on Urfs abowt meh. 16 Tell dem teh cats dat baleev an r dunkd r full of WIN, an teh wons dat dont r on teh FAILBOAT an gonna get pwnd in teh hell.

17 An teh peepz full of WIN getz mah lvl ups an gonna b abl to pwn demans an 5P3@I< l33t w0RdZ, 18 an jugl snayks, an drank poysin witowt gittin hert, an respawnd ppl. k, bai.’ 19 An wen he wuz doen talkin wit dem he taekd a INVISIBLE EVEVATER to teh skai an sat at da rite paw of Ceiling Cat. 20 An dey went an telded all teh catz and kittehz wat happn, and Ceiling Cat halpded dem do amazn stuffz to proev it. Kthxbai.

28 thoughts on “Happy Easter!

  1. Yeah, that’s pretty much the story as I remember it from childhood. I never understood how they got colored eggs and bunnies from that, though.

    1. They stole them from non-christians Daveau. Bunnies are really hares. The usual spring equinox stuff really!

      1. Oh sure. I understand the pagan roots and symbolism of the spring equinox celebration. I just don’t see how that all fits into the biblical easter story. I didn’t get it as a kid, either.

  2. Wow if Catholic Church was like this when I was a kid I wouldn’t have used it for naps or pulled the fire alarm that time!

    1. hey, i’m with you on that. would it have hurt to have a couple of black and white prints? i hate gods that are stingy with the technology.

  3. Blasphemy! Awesome!
    Easter: The day when Christians across America celebrate the, um, “miracle” of their savior’s resurrection by hiding candy from their children.

      1. Yeast teh ting for teh Salmon on the Mound. We can haz cheezbergrs.

        (And salmons and mousies too. Mmmmeow – mousies.)

  4. Damn. How have I never been exposed to LOLcat Bible before??? I can already tell I will be wasting waaaayyy too much time relearning all the verses and stories I still have memorized from childhood…

  5. I love me some LOL cats and read ICHC all the time, but I can’t read this much LOL-ese in one sitting. I also don’t read the comments on ICHC for the same reason. But I got the idea of what it’s about.

  6. Eostre – a pagan goddess! Usurped by atheistic ‘christians’ as they didn’t have any traditions of their own. Ty-pi-cal.

  7. Typical! Everyone knows that Happy Cat is grey, but instead of showing what he really looked like, they have to portray him in pictures as a tabby, just to appeal to the European masses of tabby cats who can’t imagine a Happy Cat who is a solid colour, let alone GREY.

      1. Nope – Happy Cat is a grey cat. All true followers know this, for we saw him in the first days of the LOLgenesis. He did haz cheezburger, and it was gud.

  8. It greatly rejoiceth us, that the Feline of all Grace hath heard our humble petition, and hath endowed thine authorial elbow with all the manifold blessings of fecund wit and invention the which of Its bounty we did beseech. Truly, ’tis most marvelous.

    “14 So den Jebus shode up to all his d00dz wile dey was NOM NOM teh cheezbergrs an yelt an pwnd dem fer not baleevin He wuznt ded no moar. 15 An He sez, ‘GTFO an GBTW tellin all teh cats an kittehs on Urfs abowt meh. 16 Tell dem teh cats dat baleev an r dunkd r full of WIN, an teh wons dat dont r on teh FAILBOAT an gonna get pwnd in teh hell.”

    Indeed, ’tis without price.

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