What do you get when you combine medieval theology with 21st-century technology? The “Shut up, devil,” app! Whenever Old Nick starts creeping into your soul, just start up the app and you’ll be presented with appropriate scripture to drive the Hornéd One away!
From Kyle Winkler Ministries; you can get more information and download it (apparently for free) here.
h/t: Matt
Does it have a response for “naturalistic evolution”?
I bet it has a section on “doubt”. I tried to download it to see, but I didn’t have enough space and am not curious enough to free up space for it.
Ha. Was looking forward to seeing the comments on youtube they are disabled. Apparently its Shut Up Commenters too.
Commenters are Satan!
Youtube commenters are, anyway. 😉
Do you have to use your thumbs to control that app or does it come with a magic wand and pixie dust? Do you need to wear magic underwear or head covering for it to work correctly?
Wait — you mean this isn’t a production of America’s Finest News Source? Or at least America’s Favorite Church?
b&
I was indeed thinking of precisely those two. Poe’s law applies.
Hah! I see I’m not the only one who imagined “Shut up, Devil!” in Betty Bowers’ voice.
Or “Shout at the Devil” by Mötley Crüe!
Quick, where do you find, “Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones”?
Ah, Psalm 137.9. Thank you, Shut Up, Devil!
I’ll take Jesus quotes for $500, Alex.
What is Luke 19:27?
b&
“What is Luke 19:27?”
Luke went out for drinks after dinner. His friends will join him at 8 pm. He gets a half hour head start.
But dashing the little ones against the rocks has never been so inspiring. http://scarfolk.blogspot.com/2014/07/1970s-inspirational-posters.html
Those are funny!
“The Hornéd One”!! That kills me every time 😀
I can’t wait for the “Shut Up Christians” app …
Whenever you feel like pushing your holy book approved agenda of misogyny, homophobia, child abuse and just general denial of how the universe actually works it will present you with an appropriate selection from Sagan, Coyne, Dawkins and many others who actually generate new information about how the universe really works.
I certainly hope this comes with a 5% divine discount code to cover the data plan.
Oh, it’s free. Thank you Jebus! I suppose those with flip phones will continue to suffer.
Ha, an app directly from the tinfoil-hat brigade!
Religionists do seem obsessed by magic “voices”. No wonder “STFU” is their and the accommodationists favorite response to just about everything, either directly channeling the Inquisition or indirectly in the form of “goddiddit/youcantdisprovegoddidditbecauseIsayso”.
Why not just make an app that goes “la la la la la” that you can play when Satan starts whispering in your ear, or when you are in biology class.
“Full armor of God”. I like the sound of that, would be really useful for squishy priests in World of Warcraft.
I’d rather have a death knight just take the hits for me.
Can a person who only spouts Bible quotes for any occasion pass a Turing test?
And a complimentary question would be: can a person who spouts Bible quotes for any occasion positively fail a Tourette test?
And how would they do on a Russian Roulette test?
Their faith would bring them through. Or not.
Daniel only had faith against the lions. Doesn’t seem to have worked more recently though.
If I’m at a tourist attraction or in an airport and someone starts spouting scripture out of their cell phone, I’m using my 911 app.
Is that the one where you can select air raid, police, ambulance and other sounds? That would be fun up until the TSA or state police drag you away.
I meant the actual phone number for the police. People shouting holy words at invisible demons in public places… makes me uneasy.
It might be wise to have the phone number of the nearest psychiatric hospital handy.
Well, doesn’t the bible say that the devil can quote scripture? This app quotes scripture. How do we know that this app wasn’t written by Satan?
Faith!
I took Faith to the junior prom on 1968.
How did you lose Faith?
Well, between the time I asked her to the prom and the prom itself I met my future (and current) wife. Faith was no more. 😊
FINALLY! The app we’ve all been waiting for. I think I’d prefer a LOTR version however…
Best entertainment of the day! And I love the idea for the Shut up the Christians app.
Maybe we should come up with one that rebuts all their claims. They say: “God created Adam and Eve,” app says: “Were you there?”. They say: “God sent a Great Flood”, app says: “Were you there?”. They say: “Jesus rose from the dead”, app says: “Were you there?”, etc.
or No photo, it didn’t happen
I’m not impressed. Here’s an app that creates universes on demand using quantum physics, not scripture.
Science wins again.
the wave of the future: gideons will put a list of apps for your mobile devices in hotel drawers for curious religious types.
Apparently “god uses this app in your life” Is god an apple guy or an droid.
What kind of measures do they have to make sure Satan doesn’t get in the phone and make it quote the wrong verses?
I recommend users douse their phones in holy water first, just to be sure. If any sparks fly from the phone, this indicates possession, the spirit has exited and the threat has been neutralized.
Great suggestion! 🙂
What kind of measures do they have to make sure Satan doesn’t get in the phone and make it quote the wrong verses?
I recommend users douse their phones in holy water first, just to be sure. If any sparks fly from the phone, this indicates possession, the spirit has exited and the threat has been neutralized.
Downloaded the app, and tried it out on my problems. There is no depth to the scriptures chosen to ward off the devil. No advice is given to address your problem. It is a collection of incantations to be said out loud to make you feel better, because presumably, you are throwing a spiritual punch at the devil. It is fascinating that anyone would benefit from this ritual.
The Devil has NEVER spoken to me. I guess I don’t need this app since whatever I’m doing is obviously working!
How do we know you’re not the devil?
Because I actually exist!
Because I’m the Devil!
b&
“I think we have the kind of friendship where if I were the devil, you’d be the only one I would tell.”
Won’t this get repetitive after a while? After all, there can’t be that many verses that tell you not to masturbate.
sub
I have downloaded this app but it doesn’t seem to be very helpful.
Confusion:
For God is not a God of confusion but of peace.
How the fuck does this help exactly? None of these verses seems to me to offer any assistance at all. I suppose that’s not surprising really.
Doubt isn’t there anywhere so obviously they hadn’t thought of that one.
My life would be terribly impoverished with the constant entertainment provided by Christians.
Carolyn Hyppolite
I installed the app, but it did not make the Devil’s voice in my head go away 😉
I wrote a review explaining this to potential users.
Does he sound like Vincent Price?
I had to check who Vincent Price was HEH
Yes
So, you did NOT memorize the relevant parts of Scriptures, yet you want to fight the devil. That won’t go well.
Considering people are NOT really following the Bible (no bacon, all the ten commandments, etc.) if you were going to fight fucking Satan, does it looks like THIS would help?
In fact this seems more like a trick to fool believers into a false sense of security.
Seriously, just look at that shit-eating smirk on that dude on the youtube vid.
Who the hell would trust their eternal souls to that yuppie a$$hole?
Luke 4v5 says that, ” the devil showed Jesus all the kingdoms of the world.” So why didn’t Jesus tell his disciples about the existence of the continents of America & Australia; this would have enabled the Bible stories to arrive there sooner, 1500 & 1800 years respectively. Jesus could have used his talents of calming the storms on the Sea & walking on water & turning salt water into wine to sail around the world with the disciples in their little fishing boat. He could have got God to blow the wind in a helpful direction. ( John 14v13) If anyone died of yellow fever he could have just resurrected them. If he thought he couldn’t fit it into his diary then he could have at least told his disciples where to go. John 14v12 says the disciples should have been able to do greater things than Jesus.
Perhaps Jesus wasn’t concentrating too well in Luke 4v5 because he was so hungry. If he had turned some stones into bread like the devil suggested in Luke 4v3 then Jesus might have been able to pay attention in class. Then he might have been able to pass the test instead of having to yell out in Luke 4v12 ” Do not put the Lord your God to the test ( for he will fail.)”
Interesting that Joseph Smith noticed the massive oversight by Jesus – that he didn’t fly over to the U.S.A after blasting off from Cape Olives in Acts 1v9. So J. Smith fixed this by saying that in fact Jesus had touched down in America and told his stories to the native Americans ( who were really descendants of a lost tribe of Israel ) Somehow the natives had completely forgotten about this and had also totally forgotten that their ancestors had sailed from Arabia in 600 BCE across the pacific to America. Also the horses and cows & wheat & corn that the lost Israelites had brought to America all died out too, with out trace.
David Fitzgerald explains all about it in his book , ” The complete heretics guide to western religion, The mormons ” ( Fitzgerald read from it at Skepticon 4, see youtube )
Or mount Everest… surely the ark should have landed there!?
Were there yetis on the ark?
The only “Armour of God” that I’m aware of is a very silly movie starring Jackie Chan.
That’s rich – if the ruddy christians had had their way there would BE no mobile phones or ‘apps’…
if the ruddy christians had had their way there would BE no mobile phones or ‘apps’…