Reader John Danley, a guitarist, informed me that a company called “Strings and Beyond,” which specializes in selling guitar strings, will give you a 5% discount on your order if you use a coupon labeled “Jesus Christ.” It’s just another case of promulgating Christianity, though, to be sure, the company says that the discount (offered through a company called “Retail Me Not” will work for nonbelievers:
Here’s the coupon itself:
Now I suppose you could pin this on the “Retail Me Not” site, but surely the code was specified by Strings and Beyond. But I’m informed by those who know that this is not a First Amendment violation, because it’s not discriminatory, and thus doesn’t violate the Civil Rights Act. It’s also unclear whether this firm is a “place of public accommodation” (places to get food, a rest, or amusement), which are the only places covered by the Act. But the lack of discrimination rules this out as being any kind of legal violation. It’s simply the annoying promulgation of Christianity.
One more thing: guess which part of the U.S. harbors this company? If you know the country, you have a 100% chance of being right.
I am saddened to say that John (he was fine with me giving his name) actually USED this discount, selling his soul to save $2.13. When I mock-yelled at him because of this, his response was “I used a version of the Woody Allen defense to avoid cognitive dissonance: ‘But I needed the strings.'” (You’ll recognize the joke if you’re a Woody Allen fan.)
After further communication, John added this: “Believe me, it’s the most Jesus ever did for me. I’m waiting for the ISIS group discount on sheet music: ‘Abu Bakr.'”
Does it work if you say “Jesus Christ!” in swearing?
Jesus and guitars just don’t seem to go together. I imagine Satan can play like Eddie Van Halen on speed, but I bet Jesus played like a drunken Elvis.
Fiddles, surely?
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I’m compelled to point out that Jesus predates the advent of the guitar by a bit more than a millennium.
Agreed. Surely the advent of all great musicians can be traced to the other guy, not Jesus. Where are the Lucifer coupons?
Oh you guys and your sympathy for the devil.
Oh you guys and your sympathy for the devil.
Perhaps they’re just Woody Guthrie fans?
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U2 did a great cover of that song.
Did you really expect that they, of all companies, would sell you something with no strings attached?
Har. Har.
Get thee to a punnery!
Why? As you can clearly see, all I’ve written was left aligned… So the pun was not even indented!
I was just calling attention to your quip, that’s all.
What about a “Jesus F***ing Christ” coupon?
or Jesus H Christ, never sure if the H is for holy or holey (the OED accepts that spelling as meaning full of holes, but this website gives me the red squiggle)
The “H” stands for “Howard” – which is Jesus’s father’s name. This is clearly indicated in the Lord’s Prayer: “Our Father who art in heaven, Howard be thy name…”
😉
The H always stood for Haploid…
I’m pretty sure the H stands for Haploid. At least if the myth’s correct.
I thought so, too. It would at least be true to catholic doctrine…
Or Hypothetical. Actually, it should be H Jesus H Christ. Hypothetical Jesus Haploid Christ.
As far as I know the Bibble is mute on the subject of whether Big J ever… err, got his end away. I’ve always wondered about that. Considering the Bibble’s usual obsession with sex it seems a curious omission. I can only assume he was Jesus never-had-it, poor sod, he-must-have-been-awfully-frustrated Christ.
So the “H” in “Jesus H. Christ” is for … 😯
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For “never-had-it-he-must-have-been-awfully-frustrated” of course.
You just have to say it really really fast 🙂
What if one crosses out/redacts “Jesus Christ”? And writes in “Mithras” or “Wotan”?
Economists, self-fancying avatars of rationality, constantly yammer about “rational” behavior. Seems that they would say that one ought to take the discount, regardless of ones religious or philosophical principles, eh? 😉
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Damn it! Their website has really great deals on strings. They have my Martin Extra Light 10’s for less than half of what I pay at the local music store, but I shall not give them my business.
An “All Hail Satan” coupon would work better with most of the guitarists I know anyway. It’s like bill Hicks said, “I don’t wanna have Christian parents, I wanna live with the Satanic family down the street, ya know, the one with the good albums.”
Plenty of other websites to try, but I like stringsbymail.com I’ve been using them for a while. And they’re free of this kind of silliness.
Thanks for the recco.
Ah, that’s what they mean by “Jesus saves”.
🙂
The coupon code is all lower case, therefore it’s not a proper noun, so it must be the swear word.
If you reward people for meaningless displays of religion, all you’re doing is training them to lie to your face and take advantage of you. See: politics.
Well, I guess if typing “Jesus Christ” actually gets you a discount it isn’t taking the Lord’s name in vane…
Close one, though. Whew.
I now know what the “and beyond” refers to: The assurance of an eternity in picker’s paradise with celestial chord charts.
I’m glad I’ve always ordered my strings from Just Strings.
http://www.juststrings.com
And Strings and Beyond are unjust …
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I guess Cat Stevens doesn’t shop there.
How ’bout if I amend that to read Jesus F****** Christ?
My High School gym teacher used to tell us, “Don’t say Jesus’s name when you get mad. He doesn’t say your name when he gets mad.”
All lower case? Huh. I’m routinely told that I’m strident and a fundamentalist atheist when I don’t capitalize those words.
I don’t even know what to think about this…all I can say is Jesus Christ…
Guitar players sell their soul to the devil down at the crossroads to enhance their playing according to modern mythology.
Well, it may have worked for Robert Johnson. In the days when I tried to play guitar, I’d have sold my soul to anyone who could make me play like that.
Thin end of the wedge!!
First you ‘go along with’ religion to get cheap guitar strings, then you go along with it so that they won’t thumbscrew you for apostasy.
We’re all doomed
P.S. Jesus strings never go out of tune, but you can only use them to play Gregorian Chant, none of that modern rock’n’roll stuff, and definitely no tritones: the Devil’s interval.
I’m not a musician but here’s one of my brushes with the Christian drive for empire:
A few years ago I ordered a (purportedly) humanely-raised homemade feather pillow online.
The expensive pillow arrived – and the makers had written a Christian religious message in ballpoint pen next to the pillow seam. In case I needed saving, y’know.
What arrogance.
I hope you were able to return it for a refund as damaged goods.
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Well, this is a bummer, because I consume a lot of guitar strings and Strings and Beyond has been my supplier for years. They are an excellent store. Bummer. And very friendly and polite. They always have a hand-written thank-you note on my receipts (never any religious overtones).